Teen Niece - possibly BPD - Question

[tveyes]

I'm assisting my sister by staying in her home with my 2 nieces, 15 and 17, as a safety precaution. There have been many police visits due to the 17 yr. old's rages, CPS involvement with her claiming abuse and we've recently been to a juvenile court counselor to determine whether or not proceeding to court with the complaint of assault against her mother (2nd of 2, initiated by police after they became all too familiar with the household) is the right thing vs. other interventions. The seasoned court counselor is at a loss - he was able to get her to listen in the first meeting but she became emboldened by the 2nd visit when she realized he wouldn't be sending her to a detention center. Therefore, he decided that none of the intervention programs are likely to work for her. He and CPS will be conferring today as we met with CPS 3 days ago.
My questions are: 1) The anger and gaslighting are disturbing - after having been close to her mother until age 12-13 (at the time of divorce), she now claims to have been abused for YEARS and has been trying to have her mother either arrested or IVC'd. It seems that she truly believes this. If we IVC my niece (endorsed by the police officer here 2 days ago), do counselors/psychiatrists have techniques to facilitate turning this around?  She is taking an antidepressant, but refuses to take an anti-psychotic (and has been 'fired' by psychiatrists). Our hopes were that the anti-psychotic might calm things down at least a bit.
2) After recently completing intake for a DBT clinic and refusing to participate further, we were advised to pursue sending her to wilderness therapy. The clinician recommended it as my sister's safety is at risk. After reading about these programs, I'm afraid that it might not be the thing to do for a person with a true mental illness. Any experiences or advice regarding this idea? We have other in-patient options and decent insurance.
3) Does anyone know of experiences that have 'awakened' a pwBPD, or made the bottom out?
BTW, she will be 18 in February.

Thank you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Your sister is lucky to have you walk with her through this, tveyes.

This 12-month journal of a mother's experience investigating and then sending her teen BPD daughter to a residential program may have helpful insights for you to share with your sister:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120563.0

Where is your niece currently staying?

[Leaf56]

tveyes, since I think you said you don't have a BPD diagnosis, I'm curious if anyone has floated conduct disorder.

[tveyes]

I think ODD was considered early-on, but she's had no behavioral problems in school and has been well behaved during her 3- 4 short-term hospitalizations. She seems to be very selective in directing her anger - it started with her father at around age 12 with acting out so as to be able to stay with her mother instead. It was said then that she would likely do the same to her mother at some point. It took some time, but that's what happened.

[Leaf56]

Ah, yes, sounds like BPD—the ol’ “I can behave perfectly anytime I want, just not around you” giveaway. I really wish you and your sister well.

[tveyes]

livednlearned - Thank you for the link - I can't wait to check it out.  The girls and I are staying in my sister's house while she's in a short-term rental nearby. We have a lot of family support, though my sister is a 9 hr. drive from the rest of us. I'm lucky to be able to telecommute from anywhere and my workload has been light lately. My sister is self-employed and is in and out of the house throughout the day. I'm taking over school drop-offs and pickups and other errands. Things have deteriorated in the 2 weeks I've been here. Both girls are now angry - for a number of reasons - and the younger one has sided with her sister and was just suspended from school for pot possession. Both are excellent students and my intention was to help get the 17 yr. old through the semester in December after which she'll only need 1 class to graduate from high school. BUT she's now attending classes sporadically. The absences are recorded, but there are no consequences from the school because 17 yr.-olds can legally choose to drop out - makes no sense to any of us. Today I changed the wi-fi password as a consequence of her not going to school (there was also a middle-of-the-night boyfriend and alcohol incident last night). Her acting out is HORRIBLE. Late today she took my laptop charger and mouse and actually took advantage to post on my FB account with my computer when I left to de-escalate after shutting off the power to her room to get the music turned down (simple requests are met with venom and tirades). This teenager is holding us hostage. We all have recordings - voice and video - of these arguments. I have to watch tv with headphones on to drown-out loud music and her berating from upstairs.

[leopard]

Hi tveyes,
I read your posts and your pwBPD sounds all to similar to my DD25 when she was in her late teens. I can see you are fiercely fighting for your sister & nieces. You asked some great questions. I’m in the uk so can’t respond to No*2 but the rest had me reaching to respond.

1) do counsellors/psychiatrists have techniques to facilitate turning this around? …Generally no. Each pwBPD is different due to history, genetics and current state of mind. There is no fix that is one size fits all, the human beings head and heart are far to complicated. They can advise, assist, learn about the nature of the pwBPD (if pwBPD is willing/able to be open & honest-mine is not). They can listen to and suggest remedies and even prescribe medications to help (mine will not take them). They can help and empower the pwBPD to make better choices, but they can also cause upset and enflame the pwBPD giving them more justification & even new weapons. There are good councillors and bad, when your nice gets into therapy I’m sure you will witness all of the above at some stage over the coming years…but ultimately the only person with the power to control/unlearn/adjust the behaviour is the pwBPD with the tools they have been given. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

2) wilderness therapy-Any experiences or advice regarding this idea? I have no experience sorry.

3) Does anyone know of experiences that have 'awakened' a pwBPD, or made them bottom out?… I have thought over the years with my daughter that I have seen awakenings, from councellors help or from changes in our behaviour and reactions to her, as well as outside influences from colleagues & friends. I have also witness her bottoming out, from therapy sessions not going well, from our behaviour towards her and from outside influences in the world at large. I have learned that nothing I do by being accommodating/available 24hrs/financially supporting can fix any issue she may have. I have also learned that anything I do, or don’t do for that matter, can also lead to her bottoming out. With a pwBPD the goal post move constantly.

What I can tell you is that as depressing as it is the only person you can control is yourself and you have choices. Choices for yourself. The only person you can protect from their behaviours is yourself. My experience is they feel it-therefore it is fact-therefore they are justified. We all know this is not the case. Boundaries are your new best friend-whilst this may put you in a state of fear for/from the pwBPD, you can not always help them or even protect them from themselves. But neither must you tolerate it at risk to your own health. Thats the tricky part, as parents and family members we get riddled with guilt and responsibility, that we must help and support them, it is not wrong to feel this. But you wouldn’t tolerate it from a renter/roommate, you wouldn’t accept it from a neighbour/friend or any other person you weren’t blood related to, so at some point you have to draw a line in the sand. Each person on here will have a different position for that line depending on their own situation. Over the years my line has moved, recently due to grandbabies coming along and now I am in more trouble than before (but thats another story).

I have found a wealth of knowledge on here that I can take from and try to incorporate into my journey or not (struggling a lot with the F.O.G.).  Super heroes living this BPD life have given me masses of comfort… although I was disappoint to not find a big red button that will when pressed send a Thor type to come and kick butt and set my world back on its correct axis so that we can live happy ever after..but hey, we can dream . I hope your family find the help you need for this ride that you are on. Keep fighting the good fight and stay in touch.

[tveyes]

@Leopard - thank you very much for your thoughtful reply. We've been thinking that we need to do whatever possible before she turns 18 and we lose legal guardian options. She will still need to reside with a family member for some months to obtain her driver's license and complete high school. The ideal would be long term in-patient with a top program before she enters college. But those are pricey and don't accept insurance.
Again, thank you. One exciting day at a time.