Depositions Child Custody

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

We are having depositions on Friday for the Custody Case.
My ex and 11yo son’s father is a Malignant Narc. In the case i have requested supervised visitation only and a custodial physiological evaluation (and a few other things).. There is a long history of domestic abuse, lots of physiological, emotional, mental and financial abuse.

I’ve been struggling A LOT lately with trauma triggers and just over all increased anxiety with the upcoming depositions. I compiled so much evidence for years.. its just aLWAYS something and seemingly never ending so there was lots of documentation to compile…. That at this point i feel kind of stuck..

My attorney has asked for 25-50 questions or incidents that i want brought up during depositions.. and i don’t know where to start.. and because I document everything related to dealing with this man… every claim i make or mention has documented proof (via 11 years worth of text messages and other stuff)..

My attorney made a few suggestions..
think about bad decisions, or poor judgments hes made.. i may have looked at him sideways when he said this thinking to myself, did you miss something here, when has he made a good judgement about anything? There aren’t enough hours to depose all his bad judgments when its related to my child or parenting in general.

Like how many incidences should i include for things related to his oldest son (19now), like if he’ll watch Porn on the big screen TV in the living room (of a small 3 bedroom trailer) when his then 17 yo was there.. then what makes me believe he isn’t watching porn wide out in the open when my 11 yo is there.. like should this be one of the more relevant ones?

I would love to ask my attorney but there are literal thousands of instances.. and i couldn’t possibly run each one by him as i remember it (since he has my 5, 3inch binders of documentation, I’m pretty much running on memory here trying to compile this list for him)

I’m so overwhelmed trying to think of occurrences and then narrow them down to whats more important to mention than the other… HELP Please.. before my head explodes or I’m just going to continue with these half made lists until my next panic attack

How do i mention really crappy behavior without sounding petty.. for instance.. on more than one occasion.. my son has asked his father for a B-day or Christmas present (neither of which he has gotten in 9 out of the 11 years he's been alive).. only to find out shortly after asking that dads ex wife (current g/f) bought it for herself… Last year it was a Nintendo Switch.. this year it was a Oculus VR headset and then she’ll text my son and be like… HEY! Guess what we just got! You can play it next time your here.. Its not about possessions.. its about the principle.. like who does that to a child like oh! you really really really want something? Let me buy it for myself and you can play with it.

Of course these aren’t the REALLY damaging  behaviors.. but here in lies my confusion and overwhelming internal battle.. i don’t know where to start and what would count..

How much of the abuse i suffered should be included? Like bringing up that he threatened to dig up my dead cat several times in order to control me, and when i finally took control back.. he did actually dig him up and made me come get his casket from his house.. This incident played a powerful role in getting the order of protection for myself.. as it shows he’s clearly not in his right mind..  but how much of this should be included in this custody stuff?

I feel the steam coming from my ears because my head is about to explode- and we won’t even mention how remembering all of these incidences has refueled my anger that.. oh yes lets get you an order of protection immediately from this man because hes a danger to you. but oh yes i do see the physiological abuse for the child, but you’ll have to take the LOONG road on getting protection for him through Juv. Court… because while I agree hes a dangerous man,.. we can’t simply just keep a father from his child unless hes physically harming him.. because you know we’ll just pay the price later when the child is a grown adult and in years of therapy to heal from the damage we refuse to save him from NOW.. - rant over

- Save me from myself here please haha My therapists recommended this forum to me several times as i have a no real support system.. so here is am..

[ConstantStateFFF]

We are having depositions on Friday for the Custody Case.
My ex and 11yo son’s father is a Malignant Narc. In the case i have requested supervised visitation only and a custodial physiological evaluation (and a few other things).. There is a long history of domestic abuse, lots of physiological, emotional, mental and financial abuse.

I’ve been struggling A LOT lately with trauma triggers and just over all increased anxiety with the upcoming depositions. I compiled so much evidence for years.. its just aLWAYS something and seemingly never ending so there was lots of documentation to compile…. That at this point i feel kind of stuck..

My attorney has asked for 25-50 questions or incidents that i want brought up during depositions.. and i don’t know where to start.. and because I document everything related to dealing with this man… every claim i make or mention has documented proof (via 11 years worth of text messages and other stuff)..

My attorney made a few suggestions..
think about bad decisions, or poor judgments hes made.. i may have looked at him sideways when he said this thinking to myself, did you miss something here, when has he made a good judgement about anything? There aren’t enough hours to depose all his bad judgments when its related to my child or parenting in general.

Like how many incidences should i include for things related to his oldest son (19now), like if he’ll watch Porn on the big screen TV in the living room (of a small 3 bedroom trailer) when his then 17 yo was there.. then what makes me believe he isn’t watching porn wide out in the open when my 11 yo is there.. like should this be one of the more relevant ones?

I would love to ask my attorney but there are literal thousands of instances.. and i couldn’t possibly run each one by him as i remember it (since he has my 5, 3inch binders of documentation, I’m pretty much running on memory here trying to compile this list for him)

I’m so overwhelmed trying to think of occurrences and then narrow them down to whats more important to mention than the other… HELP Please.. before my head explodes or I’m just going to continue with these half made lists until my next panic attack

How do i mention really crappy behavior without sounding petty.. for instance.. on more than one occasion.. my son has asked his father for a B-day or Christmas present (neither of which he has gotten in 9 out of the 11 years he's been alive).. only to find out shortly after asking that dads ex wife (current g/f) bought it for herself… Last year it was a Nintendo Switch.. this year it was a Oculus VR headset and then she’ll text my son and be like… HEY! Guess what we just got! You can play it next time your here.. Its not about possessions.. its about the principle.. like who does that to a child like oh! you really really really want something? Let me buy it for myself and you can play with it.

Of course these aren’t the REALLY damaging  behaviors.. but here in lies my confusion and overwhelming internal battle.. i don’t know where to start and what would count..

How much of the abuse i suffered should be included? Like bringing up that he threatened to dig up my dead cat several times in order to control me, and when i finally took control back.. he did actually dig him up and made me come get his casket from his house.. This incident played a powerful role in getting the order of protection for myself.. as it shows he’s clearly not in his right mind..  but how much of this should be included in this custody stuff?

I feel the steam coming from my ears because my head is about to explode- and we won’t even mention how remembering all of these incidences has refueled my anger that.. oh yes lets get you an order of protection immediately from this man because hes a danger to you. but oh yes i do see the physiological abuse for the child, but you’ll have to take the LOONG road on getting protection for him through Juv. Court… because while I agree hes a dangerous man,.. we can’t simply just keep a father from his child unless hes physically harming him.. because you know we’ll just pay the price later when the child is a grown adult and in years of therapy to heal from the damage we refuse to save him from NOW.. - rant over

- Save me from myself here please haha My therapists recommended this forum to me several times as i have a no real support system.. so here is am..

[EyesUp]

This is difficult stuff, and a lot will depend on your atty, opposing counsel, and the judge.

Your attorney's advice is good - to outline areas of poor judgment.

Some suggestions:
- Go to your atty's office and review your binders. 
Highlight the most concerning behaviors.  You are correct that judges generally won't pay any attention to how a gift was given or not given - they are concerned with physical and emotional abuse.
- If there are documented examples of drug or alcohol abuse, include them. Especially if in the presence of your child's other parent, or under the other parent's care
- Any illegal activity?  911 calls?  Document.
- Any witnesses of bad behavior who are not in your immediate family or social circle?  e.g., doctors, teachers, other care providers.  Document.
- Does the other parent socialize with anyone with a criminal record or other documented, concerning behaviors?  Make a note of this.
- Has the other parent participated in parent-teacher conferences, doctor appointments?  Document.
- You mentioned financial infidelity.  Is there any documentation of times when the other parent spent marital funds in way that compromised care for your child?  e.g., funds were spent on Oculus, but the child did not have clothes.  Unfortunately, family law often requires extreme examples. Is there an unusual amount of debt or other spending?  Document.

Depositions are part of the discovery process, often in a high conflict divorce.  Presumably, you are seeking full custody or majority custody and the other parent opposes this.  Why?  What are the counter arguments the other parent will make? 

Be prepared to spend a lot of time sorting through years of notes to select only the strongest, clearest examples of poor judgement.

One of the primary purposes of this process is to establish declarations - under oath - which the other parent will not be able to contradict or retract later.

Hope this helps.

[ConstantStateFFF]

Back story.. I left him when i was pregnant and raised my son on my own. This will be in total our third court appearance. The first time my son was 1yo, he received every other weekend after some transitional visitation since he was  previously not present. 2nd time was in 2017 as per the guidance of my then S7’s therapist visitation was withheld- after a year of shining improved behavior on his part and another court date he was granted his every other weekend, holidays and 2 weeks in the summer.. and i was sucked back into a relationship with him by the start of 2018. Insert Worst decision i could have ever made here.

After 2 years my son and i were both completely and utterly destroyed and broken.
-Never Married
-Documentation and Evidence is good, its there.. its just a lot of volume to sort though, documentation has been broken down, sorted and input into a parenting app i found which allowed me to create reports from the input documentation, it all been provided. So my attorney has the volume and the reports which consolidate it down to a manageable amount- as a single mother saving money by doing most of the work myself is vital, it took me almost a full year just to do that. 

But that is where it am now, My attorney just asked for this 25-50 this past Friday.. as i turned in to him all of my work (this process has been staled due to COVID and mediation cancellations) so this Deposition date and the January Trial date were pushed forward and came fairly quickly after yet another incident where my S11 sustained a broken wrist while be supervised by his older brother, 1 week after the older brother admitted to causing injury to his g/fs 7mo baby (child protective services is involved, charges will be brought against him)… Yet another example to add to the documentation of NPDs judgement.

I do feel your comment is helpful, Thank you! I think seeing suggestions of possibilities help to focus on the more impactful things… and i think that’s where i get overwhelmed because its just so much! Picking and choosing what the Court or Judge will see as impactful is where I’m struggling. AND not having all of my “work” in front of me because I just turned it all in was like Ugh, why didn’t you ask for this earlier. I do still have the app and its all input in there, again its just so much, trying to narrow it down or choose the post impactful.. The system is so jacked..

Depositions are part of the discovery process, often in high conflict divorce. Presumably, you are seeking full custody or majority custody and the other parent opposes this. Why?  What are the counter arguments the other parent will make?

Why is he opposing? Because isn’t a NPD’s main goal is to be superior or at least appear that way. He has 4 children, The oldest son was raised by NPD’s parents his bio mother signed over her rights and I’m pretty certain is NPD himself, the 2 child’s mother left the state with her and just refused to bring her back- the NPD went along with it. Next is my son, who’s mother believed she was a fixer and was determined not to let her child grow up not knowing his father or paternal family as she did (boy am I a sucker) and the last child’s mother was successfully able to get NPD to sign over his rights (the baby had cancer and she had plenty of medical needs the father disagreed with and lots of medical expenses he didn’t want to pay for)

He could not possibly let go of the only child hes had a part (regardless of how small the part was) in raising .. on top of that I’ve been a pretty decent narcissistic supply for him for the past 16years (unknowingly).. Hes having a REALY HARD time letting that go.. and losing control of our child would mean I’m no longer REQUIRED by law to keep in any sort of contact with him (while the Oder of protection has stopped everything except text related to our child).. So, hes going to fight as hard as he possibly can and use whatever means necessary to not let that happen. - This is of course If I’m being honest about what this is really all about for him, because it’s certainly not whats in the best interest of our son- that’s never been on his radar.

I WISH I knew what counter arguments he will make.. Obviously I’m not perfect, by any means but My Parenting, Decisions, Judgements related to my S11 are sound. He’s never mentioned even in the smear champagnes anything about my Parenting.
Of course he does the usual lying of
 - she keeps him from me, but that’s easily proven untrue via the mounds of text of him canceling visits and failing to reschedule them, or agreeing to swap a weekend and then try to go back on it and claim i was keeping the child from him, but again all documented and can easily proven untrue
- she with holds communication- again easily proven untrue as my son’s text are monitored so i can show their communication, and the call logs are printed to show his calls to S11 are answered (mostly)
-she posts negatively about me on her social media, all of those account have been turned over to my attorney as well- again un true
-she speaks badly about me in front of our child- please provide a witness other than you g/f, brother, brothers g/f or anyone in your NPD family to support that- untrue— my tongue has permanent teeth marks for proof
-shes a home wrecking whore- meh.. i did knowingly sleep with you while you were married to wife #2 and #5 (i never claimed to be smart) but so did half of the county soo

[ConstantStateFFF]

But i also believe that’s the exact definition of an open relationship.. you can sleep with other ppl while your married..so am i really a homewrecker? As for Whore that’s extremely laughable considering hes the only man I’ve slept with in the past 9 years..

[ForeverDad]

Court is generally not concerned with the blaming between adults.  You're allowed to live your adult life as you wish.  So is he.  So don't fret over adult lifestyles or name calling.  What the court will or should focus on is each parent's parenting and whatever parenting downsides.

Whether court will delve much into his whatever parenting of his other children, or lack thereof, hard to say.  It may have weight as his parenting pattern elsewhere.  If he's been hospitalized for mental health or suicidal issues, that should mean something even if not directly a parenting matter.  (Do you have documentation or specifics in case he denies?)

Courts love documentation, especially any from neutral professionals such as police, 911, doctors, hospitals, school, daycare, etc.  Be aware that "he always..." or "she always..." is usually ignored as vague hearsay, that why you need specific details such as date, time, location, witnesses, etc.

It seems many courts don't care much about incidents older than 6 months before the case was filed.  One exception allows older incidents if you're demonstrating a pattern of poor behaviors.  Your lawyer should be able to guide you on your local court's framework and which incidents to choose.

Also, in the deposition process probably your lawyer questions your ex and, similarly, it is the other side questioning you.  So for every question you're asked, two suggestions... (1) Answer simply, never volunteer additional information.  My lawyer once told me his primary job was to sit on his clients and stop them from blabbing and making his job more complicated.  (2) When you are asked a question, pause and glance at your lawyer before answering.  He may decide to object and you need to see if he has any reaction, instruction or objection.

[ConstantStateFFF]

Court is generally not concerned with the blaming between adults.  You're allowed to live your adult life as you wish.  So is he.  So don't fret over adult lifestyles or name calling.  What the court will or should focus on is each parent's parenting and whatever parenting downsides.

Whether court will delve much into his whatever parenting of his other children, or lack thereof, hard to say.  It may have weight as his parenting pattern elsewhere.  If he's been hospitalized for mental health or suicidal issues, that should mean something even if not directly a parenting matter.  (Do you have documentation or specifics in case he denies?)

Courts love documentation, especially any from neutral professionals such as police, 911, doctors, hospitals, school, daycare, etc.  Be aware that "he always..." or "she always..." is usually ignored as vague hearsay, that why you need specific details such as date, time, location, witnesses, etc.

It seems many courts don't care much about incidents older than 6 months before the case was filed.  One exception allows older incidents if you're demonstrating a pattern of poor behaviors.  Your lawyer should be able to guide you on your local court's framework and which incidents to choose.

Also, in the deposition process probably your lawyer questions your ex and, similarly, it is the other side questioning you.  So for every question you're asked, two suggestions... (1) Answer simply, never volunteer additional information.  My lawyer once told me his primary job was to sit on his clients and stop them from blabbing and making his job more complicated.  (2) When you are asked a question, pause and glance at your lawyer before answering.  He may decide to object and you need to see if he has any reaction, instruction or objection.

Right, i didn’t think the name calling and such would be affective by itself, its really only relevant as this is one of the bigger issues in his attempts in parental alienation- explaining to my then S10 about the affair and sexual relationship in an attempt to paint in a negative light “your mothers not as perfect as she claims to be” and manipulate the situation with his current g/f (ex wife #5) and I.. My child was confused on why she had so much hatred for me but i didn’t speak ill of her,  I’m educated in child communication and have worked closely with my child’s therapists.. so my answers to him as to why she didn’t like me were vague and age appropriate without painting her in a bad light. But they wanted to make it clear to our son that I’m the reason and they are justified in their feelings. In all honestly i really can’t stand her.. shes just as toxic as he is and them together is a nightmare for everyone. But there again, this is the reason my teeth fit so perfecting in the permanent indication in my tongue.

He has been hospitalized unfortunately they have all been to the VA Hospital.. he's been officially diagnosed with PTSD (military active duty combat related) and that is his primary crutch. And i believe the last hospitalization was in 2012, so some time ago. During his VA Counseling though the NPD was briefly discussed but the second it was, he refused further sessions and refused to acknowledge that it was ever mentioned - this is when i left the relationship. My attorney and I discussed the possibility of attempting to obtain but decided it would cost more in legal fees to attempt to get the medical records and there was no guarantee we could get them. And the age of the hospitalization wouldn’t be wildly beneficial.

I agree with the parenting thing, it will most likely be mentioned as a lack there of and there are some things to include regarding the oldest child, what contact and participation he did have wasn’t positive, there was physical abuse related to the oldest child. I’ve been a part of his life since he was around 6, I was close with NPD’s parents who raised the oldest and the rest of his family until i left NPD in 2020, i had to disconnect from the whole family, (which of course makes me public enemy #1, if ur not with them, ur against them and must be destroyed) they have ALWAYS been his worst critics and biggest supporters.. The manipulation skills run STRONG and DEEP in that whole family.. reeeallll Strong..

Dealing with the lies and gas lighting for so many years, my documentation game is strong I’ve become this person that rarely speaks on anything unless i have concrete evidence to back up what I’m saying, i can’t play the he said she said game.. i refuse.  He said.. right here black and white, dated, time stamped, screenshot so they couldn’t be altered, printed 2 copies, one for you and one for me.

That was certainly one of my goals, is to show the pattern. While yes he is capable of putting on a good show when attorneys are actively watching,  but soon after court is over and no one is watching anymore..  the spot light is off, its right back down hill, its worse the older my child gets, the more he thinks for himself the worse his treatment is, the trauma responses are there for sure. - My son’s therapist is willing to do whatever she can and has supported me in pursuing the supervised visitations and trying to push the case along to get it to trial quicker. The police reports are gathered. I have an issue involving his teachers but will reach out for a possible statement if my attorney thinks its worth it. His father isn’t involved in school related anything, so I’m not sure what the teachers could provide, they only know what I’ve told them.. i may have to look more into this option. - but this is also the hard part, there are few “witnesses” He's very personable in short bursts of interactions, and in public and around anyone who would matter hes on his P’s and Q’s.. and anyone else could really only agree hes a total A hole but not really speak on the abuse or trauma- only what I’ve told them and I’m selective with whom i share my life with since i have serious trust issues.. We were isolated from friends and family for the most part- aside from his family- I’ve considered subpoena for his parents and brother.. because they will be honest and truthful i feel under Oath.. but feel they would severely down play things and then i have to think about the ramifications and consequences to my son If i do that, he still has be around these people and none of them are shy about expressing their disdain for me.

Depositions.. yes his attorney will question “depose” me and mine will him. My attorney is dare i say a bit excited to depose him.. My attorney already knows from the Order of Protection case, how easily he can rile NPD up, simply read his own words aloud back to him and in front of a court room full of people and a judge (he didn’t have an attorney at that time).. But this time it will be in front of his attorney and a court reporter.. and his attorney is someone he wants to keep on his side, she so most likely has fed into his manipulation of situations and may believe the lies he tells.. i have to admit, i am looking forward to watching it -  My attorney’s advise to me as he said its the hardest thing for clients to do, its almost impossible for them to follow this one simple rule.. and i quote “Answer the question and shut the #$% up” “Do not volunteer information, do not do her job for her, make her work and do her job by asking follow up questions”

The 6months prior to the filing date is a good rule of thumb, i can focus my energy there and throw in the bigger stuff that happened prior to that date..
As he said, he has all the basic stuff and the normal things, but specific things/incidents ..is what hes seeking from me (since there is so much volume)..

Thank You!