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Author Topic: Hypochondria-Is this part of BPD too?  (Read 840 times)
leopard

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
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« on: November 09, 2021, 03:57:40 AM »

Is being hypochondriac an add on to the multitude of other traits our BPD sufferers get?

Every single week my DD25 seems to be ill/pained with something. Sore back, cricked neck, feeling sick, can’t eat, headache, flu, tummy ache, bad period, etc, etc, etc. You know it’s the kind of thing that gets better with some paracetamol & ibuprofen or aspirin, a hot water bottle or ice pack, drinking more, going to the toilet or even sometimes just riding it out. She will call me up and say she needs help because she feels x/y/z…so I give my suggestions. But she is desperate to not do these things…thats weird right? She will challenge me & blame me for her continued suffering, and by extension the babies, unless I go there and help. She has a 2yr old and a 10mnth old so I can’t always just leave her to get on with it or they suffer. Enter the guilt and responsibility fog…

Like today, she called me up to ask what organs were on her right side as she had really bad pain. I asked all the questions about other symptoms and was not entirely convinced there was much more wrong than a bit of gastro issues/trapped wind. I suggested taking some pain killers (which she always refuses because “they don’t work” and would rather remain in pain-go figure) & maybe a hot water bottle so see if this would help. She said she had called to GP and couldn’t get in until tomorrow. My suggestions fell on deaf ears and made her cross because she “feels weird so stop saying its wind, you’re not listening to me”.

Honestly I could scream sometimes, I was in the middle of a big garden clear out covered in mud so had to down tools to deal with this again. I had to go there and sit with her & entertain the kids because she felt weird curled up on the couch in agony “apparently”. With further lengthy discussion we ended up calling Nhs to determine her symptoms, which were foggy at best, to which she was advised to take aspirin (which she did on advise from the telephone nurse) to alleviate coronary issues and an ambulance was called.

By the time they came she was feeling better and wanting to cancel said ambulance as it wasn’t “life or death”.  They turned up as she was about to call. They were there for nearly 2 hours, she had an ECG, blood pressure, physical exam and long chat. But they couldn’t really determine the cause of the pain or decipher the symptoms she was explaining. I was so embarrassed, they knew I was mum, they knew she had mental health issues and here I am just sitting playing with the babies, supporting her like this is a real problem.
They finally suggested a trip to hospital for more in-depth investigation. She refused as she was feeling better, all the while questioning them what she could be suffering from. They said their only other option if she didnt want hospital was to fast track her to the GP, which she consented to & they left without giving further treatment. The GP, after talking to the crew, wanted a pregnancy test first and would take it further if necessary. So without hesitation she got up and dressed, jumped in her car and drove to the shop to grab the test, while I had to stay and feed the kids tea. Fuming I was. A F**kin’ aspirin sorted her out. An aspirin…like I had previously suggested. I went home as this point as I was not needed anymore and wanted to get back to the garden to put away my tools and make safe for the dog. I was doing this in the dark as this latest episode had taken 6 hours! For nothing!

She’s fine today and busy with friends and her boyfriend. The toddler is in nursery and baby is fine and she’s not pregnant. It seems since she’s had the second baby there is alway something wrong, there is always a reason for me to go there and take over the kids or for her to drop them off as she has an appointment. I don’t know why she’s like this now but its like “hey lets feel everything real or imagined and ask mum to come fix it”. I’m exhausted and so frustrated it. She has alway been dramatic since  childhood for stuff like sickness bugs or falls etc, and strings things out for attention or to get out of something like chores. But after she left home at 18 she was capable of living everyday life without hounding me constantly for what seems almost as simple as an arse wipe. She’s been diagnosed since 2016 and has suffered mental health since very early teens and this only used to show during any relational issue like fall outs with friends/boyfriends/family etc where she would go into melt down. Now the melt downs are more scary because of the babies and the guilt to them.

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How do you manage this if its a thing? How do I say no I’m not dropping my life as all you need is a paracetamol. I always point her to the professionals as I’m not a doc & she never believes me anyway, but is that helpful? or should I add to the guilt pile due to recourses being taken up?
 
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Leaf56
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« Reply #1 on: November 09, 2021, 07:24:16 AM »

In answer to your question—"Is being hypochondriac an add on to the multitude of other traits our BPD sufferers get?"—my answer is that I think it is considered one of the more common co-morbidities but is not always present. But it is definitely present and growing in my S25, who has started using this angle to get my attention since all else is failing. I will sometimes speak to him by phone about whatever it is for a minute or two if I have time, then I tell him to call the doctor and I end the call.

You said: "I was in the middle of a big garden clear out covered in mud so had to down tools to deal with this again. I had to go there and sit with her & entertain the kids because she felt weird curled up on the couch in agony."

No you didn't have to. You chose to. You don't ever have to have anything to do with this.

You said: "How do you manage this if its a thing? How do I say no I’m not dropping my life as all you need is a paracetamol."

I think you know the answer. You say "no I'm not dropping my life" etc. consistently and then you think no further about it, even if it turns out she has appendicitis or whatever. You're not a doctor. Your input doesn't really matter. She can call the doctor and do all that herself. But you know this, you just need permission to do it.

My father was a doctor and his father before him—general practitioners. They kept a list at the office of the hypochondriacal patients so that new staff would know how to deal with them. Back in another time when medicine was more human, a doctor in private practice was on call at all times except when he was specifically not, and he subscribed to a phone service from the local Academy of Medicine, a professional association of physicians. The Academy would constantly call our house with messages from this list of people. All day, all night, and my dad would get the message and call back, speak briefly with his patient, and get off the phone as fast as possible. We heard his side of the calls our entire lives. My takeaway from that is 1) there did seem to be a difference between patients with hypochondria and those with hypochondria/borderline. Hypochondriacs are genuinely worried there's something wrong with them, phobic of dying, etc., whereas borderlines are just looking for attention, drama, and a way to engage. 2) you simply can't engage with these folks because they will go on forever if you do and the borderlines get quite good at saying the things that will trigger a response. 3) general/family practitioners should get double certified in psychiatry because they're often much better at dealing with these folks as whole people.
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leopard

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« Reply #2 on: November 09, 2021, 11:04:04 AM »

Leaf you are not wrong. Thanks for telling me how it is!  I know I have a choice. I used to be better at recognising it. I know I chose to go-NOT because of her, but because of the babies.

I stopped some while ago with the jumping to her demands based on a suicidal threat as I knew I couldn’t stop her if she was to really try. I accepted that she was an adult I couldn’t control or fix. She is responsible for her own behaviour & I cannot/will not live in fear or guilt of that happening. I made my peace with that and told her so. I still had hope that she would turn life around. Those threats mostly stopped or became passing statements of her intent that I would ignore or acknowledge depending on the situation….until she had the babies.

I know it’s another hook. I know she uses them against me. But they are teeny and helpless and didn’t deserve to be born into this dysfunctional environment. She’s so hard on them when she’s in her moods, yet impulsive enough to do something stupid, as history has proven. I believe my involvement/pandering to it is the only thing stopping her go full meltdown, the neighbours calling the police & them being taken away by social services or put in my full time care (which I don’t want as much as I love them). I hope that their time with me is a safe haven but I don’t want it permanently as I’m struggling myself. If I say no and she does something stupid or fatal I’ll get stuck with the kids full time as the part time dad is about as useful/helpful/responsible as a chocolate teapot. Or I might loose them in the system.

I’m aware I’m talking my self round in circles but it’s helpful to just get it out there. I’m gutted it will never end unless she gets the help/meds she needs. I’m accepting (in process) that I don’t have the daughter I had hoped to raise/wanted and am now dealing with a lot of hostile and negative feelings towards her which is hard to say out loud….but those babies just melt my heart and I am struggling to walk away from them-it seems different somehow…?
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Leaf56
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« Reply #3 on: November 09, 2021, 03:47:35 PM »

Leopard, gosh I feel for you, woman! And this made me laugh out loud for real: "I’m aware I’m talking my self round in circles." I think we're probably all destined to do this until we finally settle on some sort of approach that works for us. And I hope you know I'm only "calling you out" because I can tell you already know better. That said, if you've read my posts you know I'm a hard ass when it comes to adult children, but that I don't recommend my approach of "not helping" to anyone with a child under 18 (though of course I'm sure very strong limits from a very early age and not falling over every time they say boo about suicide would probably be helpful), but geez it would be soo hard to deal with the reality of grandkids. I don't know, do you have to end up treating it the same way you eventually learned to deal with her suicide threats? In other words, see if it happens? After all, you let it ride with her over suicide and she never did it. If you do the same and let her take care of her kids is it possible nothing will ever happen there either? In the end, all I can say for you and to you is that it is so unfair! It's a ridiculouslessly hard hand to be dealt. Darn.


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