Dealing with a mother BPD traits and being the only child

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am the only child with a single parent mother who has BPD traits she has openly said to me she has BPD but she lies a lot so I do not know what is true and what isn’t. Recently I’ve been to therapy due to dealing with my own emotional and anger issues which stem from frustration from childhood trauma. My mum is an addict and my dad is also an addict who I have no involvement with. My mum is a function addict still works etc. her behaviour is completely irratic she goes from being happy to sad to angry it’s hard to know what personality disorder she has due to the addiction also but she emotionally abused me through my childhood had me around drug users and out all night as a child looking for her drug addict partners. I was never aloud to cry or be upset I constantly had to look after her and her needs. She would control everything I do where I go and who my friends where and had me doing chores constantly which were never good enough, she relied heavily on my for emotional support through being a child which caused me to be very mature at a young age, I looked after myself and her. She constantly told me no one cares about me and wishes she never had me but then would apologise and cry and say she loves me. Physical abuse would happen sometimes in the sense of smacking me as a child for playing with toys or messing up the house like any child does, I was very shy and timid up until I was a teenager when I started to rebel and understand her behaviour wasn’t normal when I would see my friends parents. I left college and got a job at 16 too help her out with money etc, she had different boyfriends which where abusive and constantly chose them over me. I had two grandparents who took care off me most my life and showed me what is normal and I love them dearly. She would often emotionally use them against me. As I’ve gotten older the less I have patients for her I know she loves me but I just can’t deal with her behaviour any more and the mental abuse. Everything is about her and she has lied to me about everything possible including my father and how he wanted no contact with me and didn’t care. She uses anything she can against me when she’s angry including trying to turn my boyfriend against me who I’ve been with for several years. He’s s great support for me and we are trying for a baby so I wanted advice on how to handle a parent with possible BPD or if i should cut contact I do not want my children around any negative behaviour what so ever

[TLAG1234]

I am the only child with a single parent mother who has BPD traits she has openly said to me she has BPD but she lies a lot so I do not know what is true and what isn’t. Recently I’ve been to therapy due to dealing with my own emotional and anger issues which stem from frustration from childhood trauma. My mum is an addict and my dad is also an addict who I have no involvement with. My mum is a function addict still works etc. her behaviour is completely irratic she goes from being happy to sad to angry it’s hard to know what personality disorder she has due to the addiction also but she emotionally abused me through my childhood had me around drug users and out all night as a child looking for her drug addict partners. I was never aloud to cry or be upset I constantly had to look after her and her needs. She would control everything I do where I go and who my friends where and had me doing chores constantly which were never good enough, she relied heavily on my for emotional support through being a child which caused me to be very mature at a young age, I looked after myself and her. She constantly told me no one cares about me and wishes she never had me but then would apologise and cry and say she loves me. Physical abuse would happen sometimes in the sense of smacking me as a child for playing with toys or messing up the house like any child does, I was very shy and timid up until I was a teenager when I started to rebel and understand her behaviour wasn’t normal when I would see my friends parents. I left college and got a job at 16 too help her out with money etc, she had different boyfriends which where abusive and constantly chose them over me. I had two grandparents who took care off me most my life and showed me what is normal and I love them dearly. She would often emotionally use them against me. As I’ve gotten older the less I have patients for her I know she loves me but I just can’t deal with her behaviour any more and the mental abuse. Everything is about her and she has lied to me about everything possible including my father and how he wanted no contact with me and didn’t care. She uses anything she can against me when she’s angry including trying to turn my boyfriend against me who I’ve been with for several years. He’s s great support for me and we are trying for a baby so I wanted advice on how to handle a parent with possible BPD or if i should cut contact I do not want my children around any negative behaviour what so ever

[Turkish]

Greetings  TLAG1234,



I'm an only child of a single mother as well.

Though my mother wasn't a substance addict, I can relate to your story of Parentification (a child cast into the role-reversal of caregiver), and likely emotional or covert incest

We here can relate  

It's sad that she's interfering with your adult relationship. How is she trying to turn your boyfriend against you? How does he handle that? You?

[Methuen]

TLAG those sound like some terrible beginnings to grow up in as a child.  I am also an only, but while my uBPD mom was often unavailable emotionally, and also unpredictable, I was fortunate to have a caring father.  

I am sorry for all you had to witness and experience.  No child should have to suffer those things.  It is fortunate you had grandparents you could trust and rely on. And it is good to hear you have a T.  Do you like your T?  Are you finding it helpful?  Many of us here also have a T to help us process and work through issues.

It sounds like you could use a break from your mom, but it would not be helpful to tell her that directly .  When I arrived on this site, one of the things I learned early on was that I needed to change, because she wasn’t going to.  So what did I need to do differently to stop the drama?  This site is huge and provides a wealth of information and resources to help with that.  Have you had a chance to look at any, or are there any that you have questions about?

I hope that your bf is kind and helpful and supportive.  

Welcome  

[yamada]

People with BPD believe they own you..And they don't. Therapy is a great start..One day you will see it very clearly for how she is.. She is the problem and no matter how hard and genuinely you try to manage it...she will change goal posts..You have a duty of care to yourself..

[TLAG1234]

Thank you for your responses they are very helpful I haven’t been back in this site for a few years since my post but I am back here due to still on going issues with my mum I’ve also had two little girls since my last post so I am back on here to get good advice and hear other peoples stories as it’s harder to have NC Now due to my little girls however if I suspect any kind of negativity around them I’ll put an end to it immediately as I don’t want my children to be effected by her behaviour as me and my partner have a happy loving positive home life and I don’t want them to go through anything I did or my mum to be honest I come from a long line of narcissistic women/mothers in my family and narcissistic men my mums side are all completely disfunctional my grandparents have past away now so I have nothing to do with them and only see me mum.

The difficult thing is my mum isn’t all bad I have openly spoken to her about her BPD and trauma and she has been accepting of her being at fault and feeling terrible about how she treated me and I do belive her that’s why I stay and don’t cut her off. It is constantly still about her though such as made up life threatening illnesses, talking of ending her life, performance at my grandmas funeral and controlling who can and can’t attend  for example I’ve recently been in contact with my aunty my mums sister who is completely normal and has no personality disorders or narcsssistic traits but does suffer with issues caused by her childhood trauma as my grandma seems to have also had BPD ( I never suffered with this from her I was only shown love and support from my grandma) however how I saw her treat her kids especially my mum who did everything for her made me come to the realisation just before she passed away that she was the cause of why my mum is the way she is so this is also why I suppose I excuse my mums behaviour.

My partner is very supportive and I’ve been with him 10 years since I was 19 years old so he has seen a lot and is supportive and helps me feel better and not question my sanity after episodes of her emotional meltdowns I’m just struggling at the moment because she still leans on me for emotional support and puts all her problems on me no matter what I’m going through hearing her say certain things about what my grandma did to her and how could she do that when she did way worser things to me I just find a major smack in the face having to listen to her pity party constantly.

She has made me very emotionally unavailable I find it hard now to have any empathy for her or her depression and I do have a cold response to her problems which she always points out but this is because she doesn’t help herself she just dwelles on the negatives constantly to excuse her own bad behaviour but doesn’t want to make things better for herself. She did start comparing my daughter before my 2nd daughter was even born in regards to loving my first more which I nipped in the but immediately and told if her I ever heard her say anything like that again or saw her putting my kids down or making them compete against each other she would never see us again which she knows I really would do as I have now made is very clear to her that my family now comes first which is my kids and partner before any of her needs which she has finally seemed to have accepted even though for the past year she had had multiple emergency trips to hospital and suicide attempts to try and make me look after her whilst being pregnant and having a 1 year old but I put my foot down and didn’t immediately drop everything for her like I usually would which was really down to my partner having enough of her behaviour and negative impact it had on me especially whilst being pregnant so this did cause a few meltdowns but we are thought that now in regards to her expecting everything from me.

Her drug use is still as bad but that’s another story in a nutshell I feel we have started to get a better relationship as I have Spoken to her about issues and her behaviour which she does aknowledge and except fault for once she has calmed down from her meltdown so that’s good but I am still feeling very emotionally drained from her negativey and lies and faking illnesses and putting emotional stress on me whilst I’m trying to take care of 2 kids under the age of 2 and dealing with my own problems (I’ve always felt I probably have depression my whole life as I’ve always had an empty feeling and don’t experience happiness often I’m also not much of a smiler and I can come across harsh with my natural expression but this is just because I’ve never been able to have emotion now that I really think about it and I e accepted I probably won’t ever feel like a normal person does and will always live with this empty feeling and sadness and anger but my partner and 2 girls make my life a whole lot better and I’m verygreatful for them and don’t have anything to complain about

I suppose I just resent my mum for making me how I am emotionally as that’s the only negativity I have in my life is my anger and feeling unfulfilled and kind of empty I’m also not very good at speaking or showing anyone how I really feel and absolutely hate hate to speak about feeling upset or down I would rather just say nothing at all and pretend to be ok that’s why I stopped therapy as I really struggle to open up to anyone or trust anyone I also have habit of reading people immediately and knowing what kind of person they are which makes me suspicious of people from first meeting and not usually giving them a chance however I am good at reading people and have always been able to spot someone with not so good intentions and I’m happy with the people I have in my life who I have opened up to and do trust (very few people I have 3 good friends and my partner) I have defiantly broken the cycle regarding mother/daughter relationships in my family as I have always been different from them and not had the same views as them I would never treat my girls how I was treated or how my mum was treated and I certainly won’t be putting any of my trauma or emotional baggage on them it’s something they don’t even need to know about and I do really enjoy being a mum it’s the happiest I’ve ever felt and I do feel complete now having my own family and the good outcome from my childhood trauma is that it made me very strong and very independent which I am proud of as I don’t rely on anyone for anything and I also don’t expect anything from anyone and I do also recognise that what I’ve been through is not ok and is not normal or how your parent should treat you which made me want to be the complete opposite way which I am so I am lucky in the sense of I’m not actually damaged mentally as much as maybe I should be but I do belive meeting my partner and being around his family and parents has normalised me a lot and has helped me to understand what a loving family is and how relaxing it is to not be around conflict or drama

I feel completely at peace when I’m around them but as soon as I’m around my own family I’m immediately stressed out and my anxiety goes through the roof and fight or flight response is on constantly (usually mine is fight response which is 100 per cent the wrong response to have when dealing with the narcissist family member in my family but I just can not seem to help my self from giving them a piece of my mind of how disgusting they are and how disfunctional and selfish they all are and in my opinion how week they are by reflecting there own negative feeling on people around them by putting them down or sabotaging characters and lying about everything all because they can’t get over there own trauma so we all have to suffer as my mums brother is also like her but say more narcissistic he will use anyone and take what he can and is so vicious with his mental cruelty as he has treated my cousin absolutely disgusting and emotionally abused him his whole life and my cousins as suffered badly from this as he is in trouble a lot and has been to prison for assaults and drugs etc but he’s a good person deep down but very emotionally messed up me and him are very close and have confided in each other since childhood as we both suffered from a lot of the Same kind of abuse but have taken different roads in life with me even though I do have tendencies to feel extreme anger and I am confrontational and aggressive when I’m presented which anything I deem threatening behaviour I am able to control myself and have never got my self in to any trouble I find it hard to manage this side of me but always have done so far and I understand the consequences of this kin of behaviour and understand what is right and wrong so I focussed I. Working and getting out of my mums house and control as soon as I could which I did where my cousin took the path of self destructive behaviours and couldn’t control his inner anger which resulted to him being I trouble many times which are now on his record forever causing him further problems for the rest of his life.

I find it so important for people to identify there trauma and get through it best you can and try to have a positive mind set to get your self away and it’s important to get over it aswell and not always dwell on what you went through I’ve always felt like “that happened to me it was PLEASE READ but it’s Upto me to make my life better now so I don’t end up the same way as them” also I always think a lot of people have suffered in way worse ways and now I’m happy with my life and who I surround myself with and I am also happy with the person I am but just struggle with the empty feeling but it isn’t a major struggle sorry for the long long long post it feels good to actually get all of this out!!! It’s great to be on here and feel your around people who completely understand what you deal with and reading posts and replies back to mine really helps a lot and you all give really good advice I hope your all doing well and coping well with the BPD persons in your life  

[Notwendy]

I think what you are seeing is that- at different stages, we have different priorities and need to manage them in relation to our family members. One large change is becoming parents ourselves. Congratulations on having two little girls!

Families are dynamic- they change as people mature, have partners, children.

Like several of us here- your relationship to your BPD mother has been for you to meet her needs in some way. Now, you are a parent to young children and much of your time is spent meeting their needs. This is the way things should be. Young children depend on a parent to meet their needs. Parents with PD's tend to perceive the child's purpose as meeting their needs.

You have experienced a big change which comes with emotional growth and a change in priorities. Your main priority now is the needs of your children. In relation to your mother- she still sees you as meeting her needs. So this presents a conflict- your focus is on your children.

For me also, balancing contact between my BPD mother and my children changed as they got older. I didn't leave her alone with them, and since my parents visited together and we visited as a family- she wasn't really ever alone with them. When they became adolescents, she began to look to them to meet her emotional needs. This isn't good for children and I had to take steps to protect them but this was in conflict with what my mother wanted and the usual family dynamics.

What we wish for would be a way to both- have a balanced relationship with our parents and meet our childrens' needs. Somewhere in the middle of this is ourselves- we are human and also have our own need for well being too. We have to have boundaries.

For me, I don't think there's a comfortable resolution. My (now elderly) BPD mother's emotional needs are large- they always have been, and with her BPD- there's no real resolution for them. The only acceptable choice to me is to prioritize my children.

I hope you have had counseling - if not, I think it is very helpful. If you had counseling but aren't now- this could be a good time to reach out. This may feel "backwards" to you- your mother has BPD, you don't - but  not having "normal" dynamics in the family, counseling can help you to navigate situations and be a support to you. Becoming a parent can have us reexamine memories about our own experiences.

My BPD mother also lies, fakes illnesses, and has used various substances. Because she's elderly, it's hard to know what is real and what is faking when it comes to physical issues- because she also has some real ones at her age. When I speak to her, I don't know what to believe- she has lied that much to me. I can relate to not feeling empathetic as much- because when I have been empathetic, it feels exploited. It's also a result of having tried to help her, tried to reason with her.

This is her disorder. I can't fix it for her. If I could do that, I would. I don't think we get to a comfortable resolution between our wishes for something different with our mothers and our hopes to do better for our children. But our main priority has to be the children. 

[Methuen]

Hi again.  I understand the internal conflict you are going through. 

I too am an only child, and as such was used as both her golden child and scape goat.  So I have seen the good and bad of her.  Mostly I have been used as the thing whose duty it is to take care of her.  She is 88 and elderly.  My experience is that with her aging, it only got worse. Beware.

I am glad you have a supportive husband and you have your children.  You are very thoughtful and reflective about your parenting experience now and how you were parented.  This is going to help both you and your children.

You sound like you are doing a terrific job of protecting your children, but you are torn by your mother’s entreaties.  I can relate. 

I think the key is to continue to be thoughtful and give yourself the grace to take time to think when your mother puts some want or need in front of you, rather than reacting or responding in the moment.  Buy yourself time to think rationally.

You are right to put your children’s and your needs first.  That is your priority.

Unless your mom has therapy and works diligently on herself for many years, she is unlikely to change her behaviors.  It is interesting that she recognizes her mistakes with you sometimes.  My mom has never done that. I think personality disorders are complex and don’t magically fix themselves so be aware of the push - pull dynamic with bpd.. This makes us feel highly conflicted inside.

My mother had a golden grandchild.  She also compares them even now as adults. When they were kids I talked to her about it.  She didn’t care when I told her that her 8 year old granddaughter was feeling the attention and “love” she showered on her grandson was very different than what she was receiving. So while you can warn her not to compare them and set your boundaries,  she’s gonna do what she’s gonna do, if she hasn’t done the work with a therapist to work on her own disorders.  They can’t help themselves.

You have it right when you say their (bpd’s) needs always come first. 

Enjoy your husband and children.