Is the truth ever told?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Since my breakup with my bpd gf I have seen and learned many things about her that I never saw or heard about in our 1.5 year relationship. The biggest of those revelations being her sexual orientation. How prevalent is lying in the case of a bpd individual ? I’m beginning to wonder if I was ever told the truth in my relationship……

[EYFGT]

Since my breakup with my bpd gf I have seen and learned many things about her that I never saw or heard about in our 1.5 year relationship. The biggest of those revelations being her sexual orientation. How prevalent is lying in the case of a bpd individual ? I’m beginning to wonder if I was ever told the truth in my relationship……

[Ad Meliora]

Generally speaking my BPDex was only lying when her lips were moving, otherwise  her actions were pretty truthful...

[EYFGT]

That’s a great way to put it, what a sad trap to fall into. More than anything I’m just upset about the time and words I wasted.

[grumpydonut]

Generally speaking my BPDex was only lying when her lips were moving, otherwise  her actions were pretty truthful...

Hahahaha. This is post of the year!

[GuyIncognito]

It took me until the end of our relationship for me to realize how often mine lied. I'd caught her in some from time to time, but for some reason let it go. In hindsight, it makes a lot of sense that I never really got it because she didn't have friends or other people in her life that I ever got any impression of her from. It wasn't until after we broke up that I ended up having a conversation with her sister where she and I compared some notes and I realized how many things she'd lied about, and her sister confirmed all kinds of elements of her behavior I'd experienced as "oh yeah, she does that when she's mad".

Even in the final bit of communication I got dragged into a few weeks back, she recruited a "friend" (I'm guessing a coworker) to be the go-between, and had clearly told this friend I was any number of things (but I'm sure a 'narc' was in there) so that she would be unwilling to interact with me in person to pick up some things for my ex. No question my ex knows damn well that anyone who has an actual conversation with me about all of this quickly recognizes that they aren't getting even remotely the truth from her.

I mean, just now as I'm writing this, I'm remembering that she had her age listed as one year older than she actually was on her OKC profile. I know she gave me some nonsense excuse when I noticed, but like...she was well above 18 and there was no discernable reason for her to lie.

[EYFGT]

It took me until the end of our relationship for me to realize how often mine lied. I'd caught her in some from time to time, but for some reason let it go. In hindsight, it makes a lot of sense that I never really got it because she didn't have friends or other people in her life that I ever got any impression of her from. It wasn't until after we broke up that I ended up having a conversation with her sister where she and I compared some notes and I realized how many things she'd lied about, and her sister confirmed all kinds of elements of her behavior I'd experienced as "oh yeah, she does that when she's mad".

I feel the exact same! I caught my ex in a few situations but they were easy to me to pass as a one of instance for  various reasons (just wanting it to not be true, totally believing everyone was “out to get her”, etc…). But now having been out of the relationship for a while the amount of lying I put up with and was subjected to is just insane. And just like you she had no other friends or supportive family who knew that I could use to balance it out. I took her 100% for her word and now feel 100% like the biggest idiot in the world

[poppy2]

With my BPDex1 she lied to me all the time.. it was incredibly degrading..at some point I realized it wasn't even lies. No object constancy means no persistence in time.. therefore, saying or doing contradictory things at different moments is 'right' for them as feelings = facts. That is the even scarier point... I don't think they realize they are lying. That is also why the smear campaign is so damaging, they don't even remember the promises they made or broke. It's insidious.

[SinisterComplex]

I will bring up a point of contention here. For disordered people lying is just instinct. They have never been checked so therefore they continue with it. Their S behavior is enabled and thus they are never forced to face the facts essentially. However, those of us as partners are guilty in a sense as well. Why? How often have said its ok or its not that big of deal, etc? How often have you put aside how you really feel to not rock the boat? Just food for thought here.

BTW...the only things disordered people are consistent at are being inconsistent and lying. They do live in an alternate reality sometimes.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Ad Meliora]

With my BPDex1 she lied to me all the time.. it was incredibly degrading..at some point I realized it wasn't even lies. No object constancy means no persistence in time.. therefore, saying or doing contradictory things at different moments is 'right' for them as feelings = facts. That is the even scarier point... I don't think they realize they are lying. That is also why the smear campaign is so damaging, they don't even remember the promises they made or broke. It's insidious.

Poppy has the right answer here, of course, and puts it very well.  But for some reason I really really like Grumpy's response, yeah, his is definitely "righter". 

Hahahaha. This is post of the year!--GrumpyD

[ILMBPDC]

I had to think on this for awhile before answering and, you know, I don't think my ex ever outright lied.
He did often say things - make plans, talk about doing stuff - that never came true but that was more about actions not matching words than lying. (Example: "Lets go up north one weekend, I'll book a cabin"  I agreed, told him to let me know what weekend he booked...and it never happened)
What I have learned is that his wants and desires were absolutely true in the moment he said them (like a toddler) - at that exact moment he was sincere, he wanted that. Then, he didn't want it and so therefore didn't follow through (like a toddler) . Of course, he never bothered to communicate the change of desire, or why he changed his mind, just...dropped it, like the offer never existed (like a toddler) . And this happened repeatedly. Its one of the big reasons that I now know we would never have lasted - I value responsibility and follow through highly - I believe my words are my bond and he obviously didn't feel that way.

[Ad Meliora]

What I have learned is that his wants and desires were absolutely true in the moment he said them (like a toddler) - at that exact moment he was sincere, he wanted that. Then, he didn't want it and so therefore didn't follow through (like a toddler) . Of course, he never bothered to communicate the change of desire, or why he changed his mind, just...dropped it, like the offer never existed (like a toddler) . And this happened repeatedly. Its one of the big reasons that I now know we would never have lasted - I value responsibility and follow through highly - I believe my words are my bond and he obviously didn't feel that way.

It took me a fairly long time to figure out that my ex was a "Big Talker", that's what I categorize it as Big Talk.  Yeah, one day I'll be super rich, yeah one day I'll write you a letter, yeah, one day we'll go on a vacation to  such and such.  So did these things come true?  No.  So the opposite of true is...false, right?  While not quite an exact lie in the technical definition, it is also not true, so it leaves us partners nothing but confused.

Towards the end I said to my ex when she started going down this road, "You're a Big Talker aren't you?"  I wouldn't recommend doing that.   

[EYFGT]

I pulled the “your a big talker aren’t you” once, didn’t go good but I’m glad I said it.