Long distance boyfriend won’t talk to me

[cryalittleforme]

I met an incredible guy back in July. I wasn’t really looking, but he made the first move. I’ve never really dated before, and I made him aware of that. He’s older than me (8 years) and explained he had dated a good bit. We became very close fast. He explained to me that he loved talking to me because I was easy to talk to about everything, and I didn’t just like him for his looks. Within a month, he gave me his number and we started texting instead. Sadly we live quite a distance apart, but have discussed meeting.

Everything was going pretty well, until a few weeks later. I hadn’t heard from him for a few days and was upset. I thought he may have lost interest. I sent a text asking if he had, and he got upset. He told me his friend had tried to commit suicide over the weekend. He was going to let her stay with him for a while. He said he may not be around as much for a while, but he wasn’t ghosting me and still felt the same way. Within a few days, everything was seemingly back to normal. The friend wasn’t mentioned anymore for a while..

He had to have a minor back surgery, and I asked him to let me know how he was afterwards. Days went by, and I heard nothing. He texted me about a week later, and explained he had almost died from an infection while in the hospital. During this recovery period, he was very clingy to me and seemed to enjoy the attention when I would check on him.

Maybe 2 weeks later, he was taking a day or two to reply to a simple text. I sent him a text asking if we could talk. He thought I was going to say I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. He said his mental and physical health had been on a steady decline and he had had a hard time speaking to anyone. I told him no, that I care deeply about him and would still like him in my life. He told me that I was the person he’d like to wake up next to each day. He told me to text him whenever I needed to, and he would work on responding. He was having a hard time staying on his phone due to being stressed.  

Things got better for a few weeks. He wanted to FaceTime me for the very first time, and I was unfortunately shopping and told him I would have to wait until I got out of the store. He didn’t reply for an hour or so and said sorry, his friend called and now he had to go to work. I didn’t hear anything for a few days. I finally heard something, and he said he had been having a lot of trouble at work and been leaving his phone at home. He wanted to FaceTime me again. We were both very nervous, but had a fun conversation. We hung up and then I didn’t hear anything for a couple of days. We FaceTimed again a few days later and he explained to me his uncle died that morning. I said I’m so sorry. He said he was glad he was dead. He molested him for ten years. I said I can’t imagine, I know it doesn’t mean much, but I am truly sorry. He told me had been through lots of therapy and was doing ok with it. Over the next few days, I noticed he seemed a little distant and I was worried he may not be doing well with what had happened. He sent me a pic of him and a friend (a woman.) they had taken the day off from work. He said “I exist today” when I asked how he was.

Things seemed to pick back up again, and then I didn’t hear anything for days again. I texted him and he said he was in the hospital again, and he would contact me when he got out. I replied, and a week went by with no contact. I decided to send a text that I was just checking in. He said “I’m still in the hospital. I’m sorry I just don’t have the emotional or physical capacity to handle much right now. I’ll reconnect with you when I’m in a better state.” I got him a gift thinking it would cheer him up and sent him a pic. No reply. A few days later, I was upset at this point and sent a text asking if he could please let me know how he was. He replied, “I’m alive, but not doing well. My body is still trying to fight off infections. I will reach out to you when I am capable.” I replied, again no answer. A week later, I sent a text asking for clarity on what was really going on, that I was having a hard time with everything. No answer.

He still hasn’t blocked me, so I’m not sure if he’s found someone else or what’s going on. We discussed it and wanted to be exclusive so I’m really lost. I had no clue that he had BPD. He told me early on that he had depression. I told him I do as well, so I understand. I found out he had BPD based on a comment he had left a while back on a social media site (where we met) I really want to message him and tell him how badly he’s hurt me, but from what I gather I’ve been discarded and he wouldn’t care. I don’t recall doing anything to set him off. I believe the uncle dying caused something. I’m really confused and need some advice on what I should do. I miss him, but I also hate him for shutting me out. I’ve heard nothing since October 21

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Have you ever met him in person or only online?

[cryalittleforme]

Have you ever met him in person or only online?

Never had a chance to meet in person with everything that was going on with him. We live roughly 13 hours apart.

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like he has a lot of crises in his life: suicide attempts, deaths, hospitalizations, health issues. Do you think these stories are all based upon real events?

[cryalittleforme]

It sounds like he has a lot of crises in his life: suicide attempts, deaths, hospitalizations, health issues. Do you think these stories are all based upon real events?

I believe some of it is true. I’m not sure I believe all of it. I want to, but I’m not 100% sure. I feel so badly that I can’t be there for him, but I’m not sure if that would be good either based on everything I’m reading. I’m at a loss at how to proceed. I can’t help but think I may never hear from him again, and I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing at this point.

[Cat Familiar]

What are the pluses that he’s brought to your life? What are the minuses?

[cryalittleforme]

What are the pluses that he’s brought to your life? What are the minuses?

He makes me really happy.  I’ve never met anyone I connected with quite this way before. I really enjoy his company and would really like to meet him someday.

The minuses are how I felt during the silent treatment, and how I’ve felt learning that he had BPD and didn’t tell me. I’m a very understanding person and have obviously waited to find the right person to open up to. I believe he understands this, because we discussed it.

I really would just love to talk to him again, to see how he is or just something. We were very close for most of that timeframe, and I miss him. But I’m also really confused if the feelings he had for me were real, or he just felt comfortable with me. He assured me they were very real on multiple occasions.

[Cat Familiar]

We often say here “Actions speak louder than words.”

You’re probably familiar with the terms “idealization phase” or “honeymoon phase” where the person with BPD presents their best self for a brief moment in time. As the relationship moves on, they no longer want to work so hard to do that, and what they present is often an un welcome surprise to their unsuspecting loved one.

It seems that even without interacting in person, you’ve gone through this stage already. How does that square with your experience?

[cryalittleforme]

We often say here “Actions speak louder than words.”

You’re probably familiar with the terms “idealization phase” or “honeymoon phase” where the person with BPD presents their best self for a brief moment in time. As the relationship moves on, they no longer want to work so hard to do that, and what they present is often an un welcome surprise to their unsuspecting loved one.

It seems that even without interacting in person, you’ve gone through this stage already. How does that square with your experience?

I understand those things. I’ve been reading about them. I’m still conflicted and don’t want to turn my back on him. I guess it may be begging for more torment in doing so. Should I just wait to see what happens?

[cryalittleforme]

We often say here “Actions speak louder than words.”

You’re probably familiar with the terms “idealization phase” or “honeymoon phase” where the person with BPD presents their best self for a brief moment in time. As the relationship moves on, they no longer want to work so hard to do that, and what they present is often an un welcome surprise to their unsuspecting loved one.

It seems that even without interacting in person, you’ve gone through this stage already. How does that square with your experience?

I texted him last night for the first time in 2 weeks asking how he was and that I missed him. No response. I guess I need to just accept that this is his real persona, not the one he showed me for so long. Thank you for your help, it means a lot. This situation has been so draining of me. I can’t even begin to convey the amount of deceit I have endured.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s good to look at these relationships with clear eyes and see what is real, rather than what *could be* 

[cryalittleforme]

It’s good to look at these relationships with clear eyes and see what is real, rather than what *could be* 

Well I heard from him again. He was all over me the first few days this week starting Monday. He even looked at plane tickets and explained he’d love to fly me up soon. I was taken back by this. By Thursday, contact was starting to die down again. He told me once again to text him whenever I wanted. So I hadn’t heard anything since Friday, and he got very defensive when I asked how he was. He said he was enjoying one of his last days off from work and that’s why he didn’t reply. I think I’m going to just walk away at this point, I’ve tried everything and I won’t be talked down to. It’s not fair.

[Cat Familiar]

You got a preview of what you’d be dealing with if you had more opportunities for a closer connection. You’re wise to realize that your needs were not being met.

[cryalittleforme]

You got a preview of what you’d be dealing with if you had more opportunities for a closer connection. You’re wise to realize that your needs were not being met.

Do you think it’s a good thing for me to block him? I really want no contact going further, but I’m tempted to text him every time I see his name in my messages. He has had this psychological hold on me that I’m in the wrong when he’s moody. He’s never treated me quite so disrespectfully though, until last night. I just can’t go on like this, and don’t want him popping up in the future.

[Cat Familiar]

Sounds like you’ve answered your own question 

[cryalittleforme]

Sounds like you’ve answered your own question 

I did it! I finally feel free. This site has helped me tremendously. Thank you for being there to talk to.

[Cat Familiar]