Thank you and Healing Suggestions

[zachira]

It has been a long legal battle and I have won the most important round. I am now the owner of a modest family cottage. Getting the family cottage means I will not be kicked out of the family and I will have more control over the family narrative about me. The family cottage is the place I love the most in the world. I am now on to the next round of ending all financial and legal ties to my sister with NPD and my brother with BPD, which is hopefully just a matter of getting some small properties evaluated and having my lawyer be proactive about getting them sold.
Thank you for listening and being here for me.
I have learned many valuable lessons. One is that there are so many wonderful people in this world who treat me as a person of value and not as the scapegoat like many of my immediate and extended family members do. (I do have rewarding relationships with the younger generations and not mine, as I am the scapegoat of my first cousins.) It pays to stand up for what I value, and the cycle of revenge can accelerate to unbelievable levels yet it is important to send the abusers packing.
I now have lots of healing to do. Any suggestions on how to heal from all the trauma would be most welcome. I want to be giving back as I am truly grateful to all the people who have been kind and generous to me in my life. So many people on PSI have  been so generous with their time and compassion. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[GaGrl]

That is a wonderful development! I know how you love that cottage, and to have it free and clear of family interference must feel so liberating!

Now...change all the locks.

As to the healing -- I believe we must grieve our loss (whatever that is) and then begin the healing. And I think you've already done most of your grieving.

Continued therapy, being kind to yourself, continuing to create your family of choice, indulging in creative pursuits of meaning.

[Methuen]

Oh my Zachira.  I am joyful for you!

Good things do happen!

I would second changing the locks, and maybe consider putting up a secret security camera somewhere (which relays to your home), or setting up home monitoring security if that is available at the cottage.  I am assuming you have insurance for the cottage.

Don't try to solve other people's problems, continue with T, surround yourself with only kind people (quality over quantity), focus on chosen family, pursue the things which bring you meaning and satisfaction in life.  Make a bucket list, and go after the things on that list, slowly but surely.    It sounds like you have already achieved an important item on that bucket list!

[madeline7]

Yay!
So happy to hear this. As for healing, I think it will be a natural process that ebbs and flows like many things in life. Getting to this pint and having the cottage is in itself healing. Add lots of self care and surround yourself with those who value you. You did it!

[Woolspinner2000]

Oh, zachira, what joyful news! 

 I am so glad for you! Sometimes it is worth fighting for those things closest to your heart. You counted the cost and went forward, ending up with a positive outcome. 

As to the healing, since I have been dealing with that a lot especially this year after the finalization of my divorce in mid 2020, the selling of our family house, searching for a house to buy and then moving (I just celebrated 1 year in my house last week!), I think the most helpful thing for me was to work at resting and quieting. Sometimes I couldn’t handle that because I was only used to the drama and constant driving of myself both mentally and physically. When the calendar turned to 2021, I focused on one thing only: me and physical healing. I got lots of rest, stopped reading heavy subject books, and avoided heavy conversation about my ex because it would retrigger me. I stayed in T, and I spent a lot of time outdoors.

The year is nearly over, and I am finding joy on a regular basis. The hard work this year has returned many dividends for me. I hope this next year will bring healing to you as well.

 
Wools

[Turkish]

That is great news zachira!

I don't have any sageness to offer than to take a break, a breather, to process where you are now and what you've won.

[Notwendy]

This is great news and I am happy for your success.

I am glad you stood up for yourself.

I don't have a lot of advice on healing beyond what we are all doing here- counseling, mutual support. I don't think there's a time line on that. However, being able to stand up for yourself and have boundaries - which is what you have done is a great first step!

[zachira]

Thank you all for your replies and support. I will reread this thread from time to time, as I work on healing. I have been trying to digest what you have said and am still figuring out how to heal. The past 24 hours have been extremely upsetting. My sister is running up all kinds of bills in my name and some of them my lawyer says I will have no choice but to pay them. My sister is a malignant narcissist, and will be doing everything she can to make my life miserable until the day she dies. Unfortunately, she has a large team of flying monkeys, both family members and others, who enable her abuse of me. I realize my challenge in healing is similar to many other members on PSI. I need to face my problems with her while limiting how much time I let her latest cruel behaviors rent space in my head. I am doing my best to deal with the debts and new legal matters that are coming up while trying to stay positive most of the time. The happier and more satisfied I am with my own life, the more of a victor I am and an example to others. I am meditating, grieving the losses as they come up, exercising, reaching out to friends, eating well, staying involved with PSI. Some things are a life long heartbreak. I often compare having cruel dysfunctional family members to parents who have a lost a child. You find ways to go on, to feel better and better with time and distancing while taking time to grieve and limit the emotional overwhelm when the next round of grief/abuse occurs. Thank you Notwendy, Turkish, Wools, Madeline, Methuen, and GaGrl for responding. I am a work in progress.

[Methuen]

Some things are a life long heartbreak. I often compare having cruel dysfunctional family members to parents who have a lost a child. You find ways to go on, to feel better and better with time and distancing while taking time to grieve and limit the emotional overwhelm

Thankfully I have not lost a child to be able to compare that to the grief that comes with a mom with bpd, but I sure get your point that they are both lifelong. We can work to recover and hope the pain lessens over time, but it still leaves us changed, with a trail of bad memories, feelings, and stories.

On a positive note, I sense that despite your sister’s latest tactics and the frustration and anxiety that comes with it, you are finding your way through the quagmire and managing as best as possible.   

[zachira]

Methuen,
Thank you for another one of your insightful kind replies. You are right, I am indeed doing better. Standing up to my sister and her flying monkeys has been at the same time one of the most rewarding and painful things I have ever done. I actually told family members that I like that I was considering going no contact with all of them when they said they were not going to take sides. I insisted on telling them that I recognize they have a different experience with my sister than I do, and I insisted they listen to the type of abuse I and other scapegoats have endured from certain family members. I sense that the family members who I want to stay in touch with have a new found respect for me, as I have continued to treat them well while maintaining my boundary that I will not be at family functions that my perpetrators are at. I was not invited to the family Thanksgiving and I recognize that the relatives could not have me there because my brother would be there. This same family continues to reach out to me and be kind. I feel like my self esteem is the best it has ever been as my sister continues to cause problems that are costing me a fortune in legal bills. I am really making progress in learning to not let my sister's latest revenge tactic rent too much space in my head, and I am doing what I have to do to get the issue settled and to move on.