Who's had luck finding a 'right fit' therapist for processing the BPD experience

[Tessarae]

I'm proud of the progress I've made over this past year since my 20-year-marriage to likely BPD spouse finally imploded beyond any repair.

I've been in bare-knuckle survival mode for most of this journey. It's time now to really process this relationship, learn my part in it, and begin to put the pieces back together to have hope and confidence to ever be whole and healthy enough to love again.

Of course- I need an individual therapist to help me through the next phase of the journey.

Problem is I have had a difficult time finding one. To the 'average' therapist, I likely strike the tone of shifting blame to my ex, being obsessed with their past behavior versus focusing on my own, etc. YET- for those of us who have experienced the gaslighting, the negative projection, the splitting of being partnered to a BPD- it seems so necessary to gain more insight into what I've experienced in this specific type of relationship that goes so beyond 'difficult relationship dynamics'. Couples therapists never identified nor validated the private hell that I was living- I was the one who came across as crazy and 'lawyer-like' as I once tried to bring in a recording of what my husband sounded like when dysregulated.

So my question to the group- how important do you feel it is that a therapist have expertise in relationship dynamics specific to a BPD romantic partner? Did/does yours? How did you find him/her? If not, how did you process your experience without getting stuck on the behavior of your ex?

[rob66]

Especially in these times, finding the right therapist is very challenging. However, for me, therapy is just a warm-up that I do prior to the actual heavy lifting and hard work that I must complete on my own in order to find out how I work, and, as in your case, how to heal. The longer you stay with a therapist, the more about you they know, and the better they can steer you. I don't think therapists are there to repair us; that's our job. A therapist is there to listen, question you so that you arrive to the conclusions yourself. I'd find a therapist, and stick with them for several sessions. Question them. Challenge them to help you feel like you can trust them. In my opinion, they are not the expert on you. You are the expert on you.

[zachira]

In my experience, finding a therapist who is a good fit for you, is more about the therapist having the empathy to understand your experiences more than any specific credentials. A student who is working on credentials to be a licensed therapist can sometimes be a better fit than a therapist who has been licensed for a long time. I would stay away from any therapist who is determined to practice some kind of techniques they have learned versus one who is truly interested in learning about you and how you feel. A therapist who is truly empathetic will have the capacity to recognize that what you have experienced with your BPD spouse was truly traumatizing and that the pain you have suffered over such a long period of time is difficult to put into words.

[Turkish]

In my experience, finding a therapist who is a good fit for you, is more about the therapist having the empathy to understand your experiences more than any specific credentials

This.

The family therapist that my ex abandoned me to didn't like labels such as BPD. Yet we connected and he listened with empathy and gave me great advice how to deal. I went back to him when I had to deal with my elderly BPD mother. Find the connection.