Trying to recover (bpd breakup help)

[Underdog333]

Hello.

My LDR relationship with my diagnosed bpd ex-gf was great for the first 2 months. We had so much in common and i really thought she was my soulmate. Fast forward a couples months into the relationship, things started to change, she'd get angry at things that are extremely minor and I was constantly gaslit.

My confidence started to erode and i would find myself withdrawing from conversations in order to not trigger her. So a year into the relationship (with many pseudo breakups throughout) I had planned to finally see her for the first time, but she didn't seem like she wanted me so we had an huge argument about me needing to take on more responsibiltiy and saying im immature which lead to the breakup. I was devastated. I told her I still wanted to be friends with her and wanted to keep in touch so we did. 1 week after our breakup she mentioned that she started talking to another guy. I was devastated...

How can she do this to me, i thought I was her one and she already moved on? They proceeded to see each other everyday and she slept at his place and that broke me. They also went to a skii trip where they were always together and slept in the same bed. She tells me how intelligent and wise this person is and how much he understands her. She messages once every morning to let me know whats going on between them and i feel like my heart's ripping out of my chest everytime. After this skii trip she decided to move in with him this weekend and i don't know whats going to happen to them from here on out. But i told her i needed time for myself to heal. She just said "do what you need to do, good luck". I'm so heartbroken that she's been extremely cold and i feel like this isn't the same person that I fell in love with and it hurts.

This morning she messaged me saying that she feels lonely because the guy is working and she at his place alone. I didn't reply because I feel like I'm only there for her when she needs it and when that guys in her presence I'm immediately dropped. I just wanted to put my feelings out there and sorry for the rambling. I need some guidance as to what i should do? Thanks.

[Couscous]

Dear Underdog,

I can see how much pain you are in. Although this is going to be very hard for you to hear, the most loving and empowering thing you can do right now for yourself, is to go no contact. This will be excruciating for you at first and you will experience “withdrawal” symptoms, but it is vital for your own emotional well-being and is the first step to recovery. Best wishes to you.

[Erfanovich]

Hi underdog.
Painfull to read your story and I can feel your pain. It's hard to read and so recognizable.

But I agree with couscous to go no contact because, hard to imaginain bc you feel love, she is only interested bc she is feeling lonely. You may think she misses you, and maybe she is, but not missing in the same meaning you do. As soon the other guy is present, or giving attention you will be shifted to second place.
Plse go no contact, it's so much better for you. A lot of people here experienced the same situations or sort of this and many of us did ignore our red flags, bad feelings and our guts telling us to go. Do you really want a girl who sleeps with someone else this fast, who is so rude with your feelings? No! You deserve better and somewhere in your surrounding there is someone better. Maybe you do not want to hear this, but unfortunally there is no other truth than this. I experienced the same, still recovering  from it...

[Underdog333]

Thank you for the replies. I just want to give an update. I don't know what came of me but today when we voice chatted i started breaking down and begging her stay with me. I know its not the right decision but in the spur of the moment my emotions took over me. She acted coldly as I sobbed and cried and said it was a toxic 11 month cycle and it needed to end. I'm in so much pain and i keep thinking about what i could of done better to salvage this relationship. I loved her and still do with all my heart. I should feel happy that i got my closure but i feel hollow and it seems like everything was a lie. All that love and compassion everything...

[Dad50]

All I can say is that myself, and many folks on here have been through the carbon copy exact same thing. The hardest part is probably you know the situation is no good, but you yearn for what might have been. There is honestly nothing you could have done differently. Your ex is so in desperate need for attention that even when she is with this new "Mr. Perfect" even he cannot satisfy her. It is crushing that they move on within in seconds, and let's be honest, she probably had new guy set up ahead of time so she didn't have to spend any time alone. One thing I have learned is that they don't know the difference between being alone and being by yourself. Being by yourself sometimes is normal and healthy, but for them they cannot stomach even a moment alone. When I first broke up my ex would go on romantic wonderful vacations with new guy, but as soon as he dropped her off after the trip she would call me to come over and I would go. She couldn't stand to be by herself. That is all this is, and you cannot fix that. My ex loved to tell me how perfect new guy was as well. It is just spiteful and painful.  No contact and time. Time and no contact.

[ILMBPDC]

All I can say is that myself, and many folks on here have been through the carbon copy exact same thing. The hardest part is probably you know the situation is no good, but you yearn for what might have been. There is honestly nothing you could have done differently. Your ex is so in desperate need for attention that even when she is with this new "Mr. Perfect" even he cannot satisfy her. It is crushing that they move on within in seconds, and let's be honest, she probably had new guy set up ahead of time so she didn't have to spend any time alone. One thing I have learned is that they don't know the difference between being alone and being by yourself. Being by yourself sometimes is normal and healthy, but for them they cannot stomach even a moment alone. When I first broke up my ex would go on romantic wonderful vacations with new guy, but as soon as he dropped her off after the trip she would call me to come over and I would go. She couldn't stand to be by herself. That is all this is, and you cannot fix that. My ex loved to tell me how perfect new guy was as well. It is just spiteful and painful.  No contact and time. Time and no contact.

@Dad50, glad to see you back, I was wondering how you were doing. Sounds like you are working through things and I'm glad to see that

@Underdog333 - Dad50 is absolutely correct - you can read pretty much anyone's first posts and see the same sentiments. And he is 100% correct that time and no contact are what is needed. Being away from the situation gives you a whole different perspective. And keep posting on the forum - we are here to help and we know what you are going through and sometimes just having that support is healing.