Explicitly going Low Contact...I'm at the top of the roller coaster

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello friends,

About a year ago I learned about the Karpman triangle and decided not to play into it anymore, going low contact with my sister with BPD. My doing that has understandably disrupted her. She has tried everything to get me to come back, with the latest being an apology via text. So this seems like an opportunity to be clear with her on where I stand, which I have not done since going LC.

I'm thinking something along the lines of "thank you for your text. I've come to realize that I need some space. Other than that, I'm 100% ready and willing to coordinate on mom & dad's care."

It seems that this is maybe too vague? I kind of want to be clear that I don't want to hear from her unless it's about our parents' care. But it's tricky to be more specific without it sounding like an attack. And of course she isn't going to like this text and will demand further clarification from me...I guess when that happens I just repeat myself without engaging, until I just block her?

As I'm writing this out (and shaking) I'm realizing that this is a bigger deal than I originally thought. She's going to pull my "rescuer" mom into this to save her from my "persecution." My mom has been disrupted by me walking out of the Karpman triangle also, but seems to have come to accept my position somewhat (it helps my case that over the past year my sister has destroyed her relationships with just about everyone else in our family as well, so it's no longer just me). But my mom's reactionary tendencies will make her come at me full strength, at least at first. The threat of my parents' disapproval is a big weakness for me.

Anyways, thanks for reading. I'm grateful for any input!

[Ouch9999]

Hello friends,

About a year ago I learned about the Karpman triangle and decided not to play into it anymore, going low contact with my sister with BPD. My doing that has understandably disrupted her. She has tried everything to get me to come back, with the latest being an apology via text. So this seems like an opportunity to be clear with her on where I stand, which I have not done since going LC.

I'm thinking something along the lines of "thank you for your text. I've come to realize that I need some space. Other than that, I'm 100% ready and willing to coordinate on mom & dad's care."

It seems that this is maybe too vague? I kind of want to be clear that I don't want to hear from her unless it's about our parents' care. But it's tricky to be more specific without it sounding like an attack. And of course she isn't going to like this text and will demand further clarification from me...I guess when that happens I just repeat myself without engaging, until I just block her?

As I'm writing this out (and shaking) I'm realizing that this is a bigger deal than I originally thought. She's going to pull my "rescuer" mom into this to save her from my "persecution." My mom has been disrupted by me walking out of the Karpman triangle also, but seems to have come to accept my position somewhat (it helps my case that over the past year my sister has destroyed her relationships with just about everyone else in our family as well, so it's no longer just me). But my mom's reactionary tendencies will make her come at me full strength, at least at first. The threat of my parents' disapproval is a big weakness for me.

Anyways, thanks for reading. I'm grateful for any input!

[Couscous]

IMHO after learning this the hard way, it seems to me that your making things explicit with your sister is you actually taking the bait of her apology and stepping back onto the drama triangle. I’ve learned that getting off of the drama triangle usually entails doing a whole lot of nothing. Not reading or reacting to texts or emails, muting people if need be, (blocking can be viewed as provocation and usually highly triggering) and using non-defensive communication if a response is unavoidable.

[zachira]

Some good advice from Couscous about doing a whole lot of nothing to not be part of the Karpman Triangle. It is so painful and frustrating when you want your point of view to be heard and understood. Your sister's BPD does not allow her to have empathy for you, and if you try to explain, she will use it to make things worse for you.

[Ouch9999]

Wow, I am so relieved to read these responses!  As you could probably tell, I was panicking about the fall-out that would come from my reply to her, but figured that some closure or something was necessary. I have found a lot of success so far with the 'do not respond' strategy, so I can definitely continue to do that.

Identifying this "apology" as bait (which I am certain it is) and Zachira's point that

your sister's BPD does not allow her to have empathy for you, and if you try to explain, she will use it to make things worse for you

are extremely helpful and have brought me back from panic to the place of calm and centeredness that I have worked so hard to get to.

Thank you a ton! 

[HappyChappy]

I'd also agree with Couscous , even though it's hard not to get drawn back, well done ouch9999 for resisting. When you've healed, you can maybe take on more exposure ? But focus on your own mental health first.