Still on the drama triangle

[Couscous]

Hi all,

After spending the past year diligently working to get off of multiple drama triangles with various family members , I appear to still be on it. Only now, instead of Rescuer (Hero child role)it's in the role of Victim (scapegoat). Sigh...

I am really struggling with not feeling victimized by my family's treatment of me. The final blow was when my father, after putting on a pretty good show of being "neutral" for about two years, has finally officially broken ranks with me. All very predictable, I know... In addition to this, I am also reeling from feeling like I no longer have a purpose in my life, as I think my entire identity was tied to my role as Hero/Rescuer. I also have to deal with the sudden collapse of my fantasy that my family is one day going to change and finally be able to meet my needs.

My thinking is that I have to address the fact that my child self really was a victim, while not falling into the Victim trap a whole, but I am not really sure how to go about doing that. Any thoughts from those you who have been through this will be much appreciated.

 

[Notwendy]

Take care of yourself. The drama triangle takes sometime to learn. It's a pattern we have practiced.

Grieving isn't being on the triangle though. It's a normal reaction to a loss, and what your father did is a loss.

Taking victim perspective is different from feeling sad. I know I went through similar feelings. "How could he do this to me, his own daughter?" - that is victim perspective- being the victim of his decision.

To move from that, I learned that he didn't do this to me. He did this out of fear of my mother's response if he didn't. He wasn't perfect- he had codependent and enabling tendencies. He didn't have another way to deal with the situation.

Then there was the anger at him for the decision too. Moving out of victim perspective- anger is my own feeling. I can feel my feelings ( you can too). Acting on them could make me persecutor in the triangle. But I am not a victim because- I can feel my feelings and also choose how to respond. I know that when I am angry- this is not a time to react- better to cool down when thinking is more clear.

So feel your hurt, your anger- but know you are in charge of your actions. For now, my advice is to do nothing, say nothing- these feelings are times for self care. Self care is not in victim perspective.

Victims are helpless. Most adults are not. Children, elderly, people who are dependent on others for their care- they are potential victims because they are helpless. You, as an adult, are not a victim- however, the child you were was. It's Ok to feel what you feel. It was shocking to me to think my father turned the other way when it came to how my mother treated her children. I also know he felt responsible for supporting us and also probably didn't want to see us removed from our care. I also know he was concerned for my mother and knew she depended on him.

I don't excuse abuse- ever.  I didn't allow my mother to be unsupervised with my children, but my perspective has more clarity than perhaps he had. I have learned about BPD as an adult. In our parents' days, the internet was not available, nor was information about BPD. My father was a young man when he married my mother, and he was in love with her. The patterns between them were well practiced by the time we kids were school age. I think our fathers probably were shocked by the up and down behaviors of their wives and probably thought keeping them happy was the best way to deal with this.

This may not be the last time your father interacts with you. I found these dynamics to change. BPD mom would be angry at me, change her mind, and then act as if nothing happened. Then, I'd be OK in the family again. What makes my situation different is that my father is deceased.

I do wish I'd been more savvy about BPD dynamics at the time- as then, I'd be more prepared to deal with this triangle dynamics. Instead, I took on either role of rescuer or persecutor in them. The way to not do this is to stay neutral and non reactive with them, keep your boundaries and lots of self care. They may or may not come around- but the triangle is their way of interacting, it doesn't have to be yours. You stay steady with your behavior, sort of medium chill.

I also struggle with wondering if the relationship I had in the family was even real or not. I know for my mother, my role to her is to meet her needs. The single focus of our relationship is her. As long as I was in that role, and also as long as there was drama between us, it appeared to me as if this was a relationship. I understand what you are feeling. Since I reduced the drama in our interactions, and since I have boundaries with her- our relationship feels like there's little there. There's no affection, or warmth from her. For me, it's mainly doing what I am willing to do for her. I realized that it is the drama between us that is the emotional aspect of the relationship, and without it, it seems empty. I do feel sadness at this, a sense of loss, and a realization that this is how it's always been with her, I just didn't see it before.

I also wonder if this is how it was with my father too, but I am not willing to let go of the belief that there was more. He did most of the parenting and I was more attached to him. I want to believe he loved me more than that. It's hard to believe this when he also was willing to discard the relationship. But a couple of points here:

My father ( and yours probably) did not discard his relationship or his parental responsibilities to his children - we were cared for, our basic needs were met. You are still his child but also an adult.

My father was more concerned with the family members who are less able to take care of themselves. I am able to do that. Although he was less concerned about me, that doesn't mean he didn't care. Sometimes this meant he had higher expectations- he might say no to me and not my mother- because he knew I would not respond like she does. This isn't fair or even the right thing to do. But keep in mind our father's relationships are a high stress situation. If they believe the relationship can only stay afloat with one of us in it, they will toss the one they know can swim.

It gets better. Yes, I still grieve from time to time. My feelings range from sadness, to anger, to empathy for him as a young man, likely struggling to understand why my mother behaves like she does. And gratitude for what he did for me under tough circumstances. Empathy because I know the relationship with my mother was hard and that he too experienced emotional and verbal abuse from her.

Feel your grief. There's sadness for the child who was a victim, but know the adult you are now is not. Practice self care.

[HappyChappy]

 

My thinking is that I have to address the fact that my child self really was a victim, while not falling into the Victim trap a whole, but I am not really sure how to go about doing that. Any thoughts ...

You sound remarkably aware of what the issues are, which is step one. The next step is to work on techniques that help you heal. E.g. avoiding drama triangles and F.O.G., building self esteem, etc...  It takes a long time to heal if exposed fto BPD behaviour for a long period , so is two steps forward and one back. A step back is doubt, so just pop back on here to get motivated again. But well done on your progress so far.    

... feeling like I no longer have a purpose in my life, as I think my entire identity was tied to my role as Hero/Rescuer. I also have to deal with the sudden collapse of my fantasy that my family is one day going to change and finally be able to meet my needs.

It is hard to accept your BPD will never change or be the parent all children deserve - but it’s important to accept that will never change or you can't move on. A rescuer is part of a trauma triangle dynamic, so it’s only natural to feel your personality is part of that – but it isn’t. The more you heal, the more you will do things for yourself (rather than the person you're rescuing) and discover who the real you is. Rescue yourself. From reading your other posts, you seem remarkably enlightened and give sound advice – which will always be part of your personality. Sounds like you’re moving in the right direction, you should reward yourself for that.   

[Couscous]

Thank you both for your comments.

I am beginning to realize just what a struggle it is to consistently engage in anything more than essential self-care, mainly because I am I too busy with distracting activities. Activities such as engaging in the constant family drama which conveniently allowed me to avoid feeling any of my unpleasant emotions.

[HappyChappy]

Often you have to remove yourself from the drama, before you can begin to heal.