How do you deal with Dysregulation and trauma ?

[HappyChappy]

Children with traumatic childhoods often get  Dysregulation, its part of CPTSD (and ADHD) and other trauma related ailments.
 
I found learning how to identify it, then manage it, was an essential part of my recovery. Here’s a video explaining what  Dysregulation is:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LNxy035NsU

Here’s a video with some ideas on how to manage it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDQ3pDjOOk4

Big tip for me was “talking about trauma can sometimes make dysregulation worse”  so let’s just swap tips on how to identify it and cope with it.

I’ll go first:
Identifying: I become quiet or get confused. Become inappropriately fearful or feel a huge injustice had occurred. I tend to shrink back, which is odd as I’m normally seen as assertive.

How to deal with it: Because my BPD & NPD were both incredibly aggressive, my techniques have all been about avoiding conflict. I use humour a none confrontational way of defending or just “remove myself from danger” by getting some fresh air. I’ve noticed online I have occasionally fought my corner in debates , only to regret it as I come over as irrational. When I calm down I'm a more rational and effective debater, so it pays to control dysregulation. Sometimes I write a letter but never send it, until I'm rational enough to read it back.

What about you ?

[beatricex]

Hi HappyChappy,
I'm not sure what all the books say about it, what one should do, but I go into "left brain mode."

That's where I do something super analytical (like dive into my work), or I start a project where I have to do calulations or math.  Sometimes just manual labor, like shoveling rocks or landscaping my yard helps me.  I am an avid gardener.  I like researching plants that will thrive where I live.  I live in a desert, so it's sort of a science.  Or, lately, I just go fishing with my husband.

When I was younger, I distracted myself with college.  I would just try to learn very difficult science topics, and I would immerse myself for hours on end, like I would literally spend all day in the library.  I was a crammer, so I would cram for an exam for an entire day.  Kind of made it hard to be emotional, using so much of my left brain.  Later at work, I would read lots of scientific papers, which made me good at my job.

A close friend told me several years ago that I needed to get more in touch with my spiritual side, and I thought "No...cause that involves emotions," which were scary to me.

I did end up spending years in therapy, so eventually I dealt with my own emotional dysregulation in that structured way.  I also used to read all the books on narcissism, like my amazon account lists at least 10 I have purchased and read!  Not much of a book reader lately though.

Very rarely will I type out a long letter and not send it... but, it has happened.

What else about you?

b

[HappyChappy]

"left brain mode" ...where I do something super analytical (like dive into my work), or I start a project where I have to do calulations or math.  Sometimes just manual labor, like shoveling rocks or landscaping my yard helps me.  I am an avid gardener.  

...When I was younger, I distracted myself with college...so eventually I dealt with my own emotional dysregulation in that structured way.  

Thanks for your response beatricex, I can relate to everything you said ! I wish we'd spoken when I was at collage/work cramming and distracting myself.    Distraction just delays the issue until we're in a safe place.

Gardening and exercises are know to be calming, so great tips.  

I had 18 years with a BPD mother and an 20 year marriage dealing with a partner who lacked empathy and used NPD like behaviour, so apparently I was "retraumatised" and my CPTSD got steadily worse over that 38 years period of  "death by a thousand cuts". Funny how history can repeat itself.    

Anyway now I'm in a safe place and with a very loving partner - it's bizzar to have a partner that actually thinks of others, and says kind things.    But the love and support on here has also been very healing. What do you think lead to your dysregulation ?

[Couscous]

My go-to strategy up until now has been to reach out to my "supportive" family... in other words, a family member who will be instantly triggered and will then to proceed to invalidate, dismiss or attack me.  

Clearly I need a new go-to strategy...  

[Couscous]

Thanks HappyChappy for starting this thread. This is off topic, but it has helped me to figure out what has been driving almost all of the drama in my family. Essentially we are attempting to regulate our emotions by seeking support from each other, but since the cause of our dysregulated state is frequently another family member, triangulation ensues, coalitions form, and life is basically a never ending soap opera.

[HappyChappy]

Essentially we are attempting to regulate our emotions by seeking support from each other, but since the cause of our dysregulated state is frequently another family member, triangulation ensues...

Good point - been there myself. Main thing is we've spotted it, so can swap to better sources of support and guidance (e.g. on here).  

[beatricex]

hi again HappyChappy,

What led to it?  hmmm, I am not really sure.

I actually had a dream last night, it was right before I woke up so I remember it.  I was back in my childhood home.  I was super pissed at one of my sisters, because her friend showed up and I was feeling super jealous about it (emotionally dysregulated - sure). 

In the dream I started blaming my sister for me being late to a dentist appointment because her friend showed up.  I liked her friend, but I didn't like that the friend came to our house, because it reminded me that She was the popular one (not me), my mom always catered to Her (not me)...

I guess that dream is a lot closer to reality than I really care to admit - I was a lot of the time emotionally dysregulated because my BPD mom pitted us kids against one another.  I was raised in a sort of large family (8 people).   My mom was a comparer.  She liked to compare the "bad" one to the others.  She liked to display the "bad" kid (at first it was my two older brothers but eventually it became me) to the younger ones, and state Loudly "Do Not Turn Out Like your sibling!"  to the younger ones.

This may have had a big impact on my CPTSD, because for years later, I always felt like "I'm in trouble" at work...in relationships...with female friends.  When, no one is in fact mad at me. 

super confusing, but ya, the BPD mother tears at your self esteem.  In my family, we either turned out to be narcissists, or like me, just real anxious for no good reason.  And, a lot of times I know my emotional response is not quite right...but I also am not too hard on myself either, since I kind of know where it comes from

interesting topic
b

[HappyChappy]

My mom was a comparer.  

super confusing, but ya, the BPD mother tears at your self esteem...but I also am not too hard on myself either, since I kind of know where it comes from

My mum was big into comparing, she compares my son to a Belgium child she observed once in a restaurant -  boy did that child demonstrate so many capabilities in that brief encounter, that my son doesn't have   Triangulation also compares. But it's great you've figured that out and aren't so hard on yourself, (especially with you not being from Belgium)  

[Couscous]

Interestingly, my mother likes making positive comparisons, which really are criticisms of others, for example, “You have much better taste than your SIL”, or insinuations that she prefers my kids to my brother’s, or telling my niece that her height is a “good” height compared to her shorter sister.

[Goldcrest]

beatricex I can SO relate to the comparing thing and the intense jealousy I can feel around women my mum is trying to compare me to. The latest being her neighbour who is my age and I once heard her say she was the daughter she never had. Throughout my life every female relationship I have had has triggered me to compete and to become very hurt if I feel I am being excluded in the smallest of ways. I can also think I am in trouble or people are turning against me. All this I can mostly observe now and see where it comes from. If I feel myself escalating in thoughts around someone I have to stop it then tell myself to let it go and start grounding myself in the her and now. I still get caught out though. I did have a dream about the neighbour last night (my mum gave her a large sum of money after my fathers death but my brother and I get nothing). I dreamt she was carving up her garden to join my mothers house to hers and I went to tell her I knew about the money then I hugged her.