More bpd confusion

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey family, I'm back again after a few months away.

So I let it happen again. We started talking and I got pulled in a little. Of course there was the love bombing but over all this time I have became more leary of it. We spent time together but in the back of my mind I figured it would all go south. It did.

The devaluation started maybe a month ago. What is confusing (what isn't with a BPD?) is how it got so bad again. She injured her knee recently and needs surgery. She's been struggling with that, being off work, and a lot of stuff. She then watches tictok videos and gets worked up about events going on in the world. Then she watches videos about relationship problems and is sure that's what is going on with us. There has been a time or two she stonewalls and I'm not sure what to do so I go home because I have other things going on. I know she then is angry feeling like I'm not there for her.

One day she text me and said we need to make changes by December 31st or walk away. I told her I was concerned I would mess things up. She was upset because she wanted me to say I would try my hardest. After that she said we just need to get over each other. I stayed away for several days. I then text her and explained I wasn't saying I wouldn't try, I was just voicing my concern about messing up (I'm not perfect). She thanked me and said she loves me deeply and wants to be with me but doesn't think we can make it on love alone. I agreed and the texting went good. Awhile later she text what she thinks would help me. I agree (and already know). I sent a text a few days later. Ignored. I send one the next day about the first one. Ignored. I back off and dont text anymore or see her. Even on Thanksgiving. I stop by day before yesterday to check on her and she is stonewalling and a little hostile. At the end she said she doesn't want to live like this anymore (our relationship). I told her there is no reason she should. She gets mad and says she's done talking. I tell her ok I'll go back to work and all the best. On the way back to work she texts me and tells me not to stop by and visit anymore and to have a good life. I responded that hurt and I was done being hurt, going no contact. The next day I felt bad for reacting out of hurt and sent an apology but she has blocked me on text.

The thing I don't get is we've had worse arguments between us and she didn't block. She blocked me one other time on text and twice on Facebook (she hasn't this time but I think she doesn't use it much anymore). The other time on text was because she broke up with me and I went to Thanksgiving dinner with another girl.

I read yesterday that a BPD said his therapist told him deep down he blocks for attention. I also read some do it wanting the other person to come after them to prove they love that person. I'm not going to and think it best to take what she said at face value and stay away. What are thoughts on the blocking though? I thought it was an interesting view.

[Carguy]

Hey family, I'm back again after a few months away.

So I let it happen again. We started talking and I got pulled in a little. Of course there was the love bombing but over all this time I have became more leary of it. We spent time together but in the back of my mind I figured it would all go south. It did.

The devaluation started maybe a month ago. What is confusing (what isn't with a BPD?) is how it got so bad again. She injured her knee recently and needs surgery. She's been struggling with that, being off work, and a lot of stuff. She then watches tictok videos and gets worked up about events going on in the world. Then she watches videos about relationship problems and is sure that's what is going on with us. There has been a time or two she stonewalls and I'm not sure what to do so I go home because I have other things going on. I know she then is angry feeling like I'm not there for her.

One day she text me and said we need to make changes by December 31st or walk away. I told her I was concerned I would mess things up. She was upset because she wanted me to say I would try my hardest. After that she said we just need to get over each other. I stayed away for several days. I then text her and explained I wasn't saying I wouldn't try, I was just voicing my concern about messing up (I'm not perfect). She thanked me and said she loves me deeply and wants to be with me but doesn't think we can make it on love alone. I agreed and the texting went good. Awhile later she text what she thinks would help me. I agree (and already know). I sent a text a few days later. Ignored. I send one the next day about the first one. Ignored. I back off and dont text anymore or see her. Even on Thanksgiving. I stop by day before yesterday to check on her and she is stonewalling and a little hostile. At the end she said she doesn't want to live like this anymore (our relationship). I told her there is no reason she should. She gets mad and says she's done talking. I tell her ok I'll go back to work and all the best. On the way back to work she texts me and tells me not to stop by and visit anymore and to have a good life. I responded that hurt and I was done being hurt, going no contact. The next day I felt bad for reacting out of hurt and sent an apology but she has blocked me on text.

The thing I don't get is we've had worse arguments between us and she didn't block. She blocked me one other time on text and twice on Facebook (she hasn't this time but I think she doesn't use it much anymore). The other time on text was because she broke up with me and I went to Thanksgiving dinner with another girl.

I read yesterday that a BPD said his therapist told him deep down he blocks for attention. I also read some do it wanting the other person to come after them to prove they love that person. I'm not going to and think it best to take what she said at face value and stay away. What are thoughts on the blocking though? I thought it was an interesting view.

[grumpydonut]

Hi Carguy,

Sorry to read you're back.

I emphasise with your desire to understand her. But there's simply not a black and white answer to "why" she does this. It could be a number of things, but you're not going to get any assurance, because no one on this forum can provide you certainty.

If she's a sufferer of BPD, then she is a disordered thinker. Her blocking could be for reasons you can't even comprehend.

[ILMBPDC]

Hi Carguy,

Sorry to read you're back.

I emphasise with your desire to understand her. But there's simply not a black and white answer to "why" she does this. It could be a number of things, but you're not going to get any assurance, because no one on this forum can provide you certainty.

If she's a sufferer of BPD, then she is a disordered thinker. Her blocking could be for reasons you can't even comprehend.

Agreed.

I have found the characterization of BPD emotions (the lizard brain) being stuck in toddlerhood to be immensely helpful. That when their emotions flare up they act much like a toddler - "I'm bored with that toy, I need a new one", "They hurt me so I hate them and don't want to see them", " "You left me alone so therefore you hate me". The hard thing with a BPD is they have these lizard brain emotion but otherwise seem to be an adult and its difficult for us to reconcile. Especially when, much like a toddler, they suddenly come back and try to sweep it all under the rug like nothing ever happened and they take no responsibility for what they did. Its maddening and us nons just can't understand it.

That was one of the hardest things for me, to let go of the fact that I will never understand. But I had to do it for my own sanity (tbh I still read a lot on BPD trying to understand the condition a bit more - I may never understand his thought process but I can understand that there is dysregulated emotions driving them and that has helped me)

[SinisterComplex]

CG, going down that rabbit hole is just a cyclical loop where you will just end up asking more questions and find no definitive answers. Best just to follow what we taught in school many moons ago...Just Say No!

Stay away and move on.

Cheers and best wishes!

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[rob66]

CarGuy, I can not even emphasize enough how your situation is so incredibly similar to mine. I mean, I want to ask, were we seeing that same person? But that's why this site is so important, because it provides a consistent and similar narration about people with BPD, diagnosed or not. Mine also had knee problems only she had two surgeries to repair them, and this was her crisis in which she really started acting out. In the back of my mind, I thought her behavior was unusual, but the way nons do, we don't pay attention to that because we are so convinced of the relationship. Many of them send mixed messages, like, "I love you so much, but love is not enough." It makes me laugh now, actually, because with a REAL deep love, both individuals in the couple will grow together. I tried to grow, but with every thing I granted more, she asked for more. I read one of your earliest posts where you described where she wanted you to guess what she was thinking, and got mad when you didn't. Same. The blocking, same. All of it, the same.

I contacted her a twice after she dumped me, once by phone and once by email - she read my email dozens of times, but did not respond. My advice to you, forget her, and move on with your life. You will never get what you need or want. People like our exes are so emotionally disturbed that until they decide to work on themselves, there is no point in being around them. The Body Keeps the Score is a valuable read if you want to learn about how trauma gets trapped in the body, the mind.

I did the same thing when I apologized for lashing out in anger when she lost it one day and started accusing me of things, and then broke up with me. For anyone who has a normal thinking process, this anger is understandable. Not with them. You become the enemy, the worst version of you that they always carry in their mind once the devaluation process begins.

I'm a little more than three months out with NC. I feel so much better for sticking to my guns and not reaching out to her since that time. I wanted to. Believe me. But I was strong. My therapist told me that if I decided to get back with her,  I'd be lucky if she showed even 20% of the goodness she did in the beginning. GO NO CONTACT. Go heal.

This site has helped me so much because, again, there is such a consistent narrative about the way these people think. Get on with your life. There are other fish in the sea.

[rob66]

That when their emotions flare up they act much like a toddler

ILM - my ex actually would turn into a toddler at times. It happened like three or four times and it was the oddest thing. Her voice changed to that of a small child, the tone, sound,  how she spoke, her body language in the way her shoulders drooped. She would catch herself quickly though, and snap into one of her other personalities. She had three distinct personalities that she displayed. Again, I did not heed that flag because I was so in love with her (I still love her, even the damaged part; such is love). The crazy thing is that if she could have just brought herself to admit these things, I would have gone to the ends of the earth to help her - people with these traits get better with a stable, supportive, strong relationship. Isn't the prospect of this what keeps us around?

I detached with so much compassion for her, and that made it harder. Her trauma was so extensive. It's really not her fault. She was born into a world where the cards were stacked against her from the beginning. Poor thing. I really do wish her the best, the peace she needs. In an ideal world, I'd stand in her light again, and she'd be better, I'd be better. But the work I'm doing on myself now is paying off so much.

[rob66]

And CarGuy, who cares why they block? Don't focus on the why, but on the what. They blocked and that's that. A person who loved you would be able to understand how their action of devaluing you after all the good you showed them could certainly lead to you getting angry. You were invested. You cared. You tried. No matter what, it was not enough for them, and it never will be.

[Carguy]

Thanks guys!

Grumpy donut,

You're right on fully understanding. Only thing I can see is when I text about missing her she ignored probably because engulfing then when I didn't text even on Thanksgiving it caused abandonment for her. Probably why she was stonewalling and acting short with me that day. When I said it hurt and I was going N.C. reacting out of hurt it maybe caused shame and abandonment again.

ILMBPDC,

I have found this helpful too and realizing this i can see the childlike behavior when it happens and see the disorder. It's still hard at times for me to not feel hurt or upset with some things but it helps for sure!

Sinister,

Thanks! So far I've stayed away and resisted urges to stop by to talk with her or anything like that.

Rob66,

Thanks! Its incredible how similar or stories are. I've read other stories or heard from others how similar the stories are. Like I've heard it said, it's like they all use the same play book! I can only guess the reasons and knowing her as long as I have I have some ideas why she's doing this but I can't control how she deals with things. I can only do me.

[brighter future]

Hello Carguy. It's good to hear from you again, but I wish it was under different circumstances. I honestly believe you know in your heart that this is a losing battle with her and that it will always be a never ending  cycle. I'm confident that one day when the time is right for you, you'll bite the bullet and finally say enough is enough and leave things with her in the past.

It took me almost a full year to get to the point of letting my exPWBPD go. Seeing her with that guy when she visited her folks next door would literally destroy me. Now, I flat out don't give AF.  About 6 weeks ago, she walked over with her son and started up a 10 minute conversation with me like we were long lost friends. The odd thing was during the entire conversation, she could never look me in the eye. Matter of fact, she told me that she'd visited her sister and B-I-L recently out of state and would love to move over there. However, she stated that she couldn't due to the shared custody of her son with her ex-husband. She bragged to friends at the start of 2021 that she and the rebound guy were going to get engaged soon, but no one has seen a ring yet. Also at that time, she swore that she was going to move out of the crappy rental house she lives. Nearly a year later, she's still there. She and her ex-husband have been divorced for nearly 3 years. She still gets on social media according to mutual friends and complains about him and the "abuse" she suffered because of him while she was married to him. Nothing has changed with her and nothing ever will until she has had enough and decides to make changes in her life. I ran into her ex-husband about 4 months ago, and we had a chat. There were so many toxic similarities in both of our relationships with her, including her talking to and possibly cheating with other men. We had a good talk, and he thanked me for being so good to his children. He said "They really loved you." which really meant a lot to me.

I think I've mentioned this to you before, but have you considered giving online dating a try? I feel like if you gave this a shot, it would at least get you out there so you could meet some people. I did this and ended up with a very nice woman after seeing/talking to 3-4 other women.  We've been seeing each other for five months now, and our relationship is very consistent and healthy so far. She and I have a great time together as do our kids. All of my family likes her a lot as well. I can't say the same for my ex-wife or ex-g/f.  The relationship with my ex started going all over the place at the 4-5 week mark, so this is a breath of fresh air.

Hang in there and keep us posted on yourself. As I said, I know that one day you can get past this relationship and move on. I hope you have a happy holiday season. Take care!

[khibomsis]

What a tough situation, Carguy! I feel for you, you had been working so hard and doing so well. Take care of yourself now. How is it going in therapy? What keeps you going back?

[Carguy]

Thanks Brighter Future and Happy Holidays to you too!

In my head I know this would continue the same as it has these past few years with her. I doubt it would change. At least not anytime soon. We would get back together. She would love bomb me. Tell me I'm the love of her life. Then devalue and discard and she would find someone else right away. Sadly my heart struggles with this. I do believe she loves me deeply. Even a week before she blocked me when she was pushing me away and upset with me, she seen through that to tell me that she loves me deeply and she does want to be with me but doesn't think that's enough. Sadly, even though she does love me, it would be the same I'm afraid.

It's interesting how similar they are. A few years back she wanted to move out of state to where her sister lives. She was making plans but it never happened. She eventually changed her mind. Then she was going to move to another city in our state a few hours away (the guy she was interested in at the time lived there) but that never happened. Recently she was going to move to a different apartment complex but is still living in the same low income apartments she's been in for three years now. She also always complained to me about the 'abuse' from her second ex-husband but in the last few months she started complaining about her first ex-husband.

Funny thing with engagements. When she broke up with me last November she started hanging out with a 'friend'. A month or two later they're together. She admitted to me later that during sex with him she yelled out in passion to marry her. She later regretted it and didn't want to marry him. He however told his family. She was mad at him for that cause then she felt like she had to do damage control with them.

I'm sure her kids love me and I love them. I feel bad that they get bounced around like that.

I actually have tried several dating sites over the years with little to no luck. Our area is rural and there is very little selection here. Especially for a middle aged man.

Funny thing. Not sure if the universe is messing with me but I've been n/c for almost three weeks now. The other day I rented out my rental house to a nice lady. While I was working on the place her daughter stopped by. I was shocked when I seen her daughter. Her daughter became my ex's best friend two years ago when we were broke up for months. I guess they went their separate ways? Then a day or two later my ex's second ex-husband (who I've only met one time before) stopped by my work needing his vehicle fixed so I'm working on that now. Lol.

Thank you Khibomsis!

Therapy is going ok. I almost get the feeling my therapist is annoyed that I've gone back in the past. He's told me to stay away. This time he told me to take any remaining stuff of hers to a local thrift store and not to her. Not sure how I feel about that. Part of me wants to be decent and just leave it on her porch and leave without seeing her so she at least gets her stuff back. She's been good to make sure I get mine.

I think there's a lot that draws me back. Loneliness, addiction to her, positive intermittent rewards that fuels the addiction to her, trauma bonding, and feelings for her. The good times are great but they always seem to end like this. It's hard living in a rural area with the dating scene being next to none existent. Lately she kept telling me the only reason I was with her was trauma bonding. When I stop by after not talking for over a week to see how she was, how her knee was doing, and if she found out anything about surgery on it and if she needed any help, she told me I only did it because I was trauma bonded to her. Inside it was a little irritating. I have read on trauma bonding and understand it but telling me it was all because of that felt like my feelings for her were dismissed. I agree there is a level of trauma bonding but that doesn't mean it was the reason for everything.

Anyhow it's been and still is a bit of a struggle but I haven't seen or heard from her in almost three weeks and that's ok. I'm busy with other things and planning future things so I have things to look forward to.

[SinisterComplex]

Anyhow it's been and still is a bit of a struggle but I haven't seen or heard from her in almost three weeks and that's ok. I'm busy with other things and planning future things so I have things to look forward to.

CG, what other things are you busy with? What future things are you planning? Let's focus on these things. This is the most important take away here. Share that with us if you don't mind.

I am glad to hear you have a lot to look forward to. This is vital to your mental/emotional health. So I am focusing on that. I want to see you do better, be better, and overall be happy and healthy. Have to break the cycle and begin anew.

Cheers and best wishes!

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[Carguy]

Some of the things I look forward to is working on my cars as soon as I get caught up financially, get back to working out so I can be ready for my games to start in April, and I'm really considering a home equity loan maybe this summer to build a building in my backyard to put my hot tub inside.

I'll tell you that the holidays were a little hard this year. My ex-wife, her b/f, her youngest son, my oldest and his family, and my youngest boy stopped by for maybe a half hour Christmas morning. Other than that I was alone and a little depressed.

In other news, tomorrow marks 4 weeks since I went n/c. It's still up and down for me.

[SinisterComplex]

Some of the things I look forward to is working on my cars as soon as I get caught up financially, get back to working out so I can be ready for my games to start in April, and I'm really considering a home equity loan maybe this summer to build a building in my backyard to put my hot tub inside.

I'll tell you that the holidays were a little hard this year. My ex-wife, her b/f, her youngest son, my oldest and his family, and my youngest boy stopped by for maybe a half hour Christmas morning. Other than that I was alone and a little depressed.

In other news, tomorrow marks 4 weeks since I went n/c. It's still up and down for me.

There you go. Keep working on filling up your schedule with things you love to do and are passionate about. Make yourself happy. In time the loneliness and depression will dissipate. You just have to learn how to be comfortable with yourself first. It is not easy, but it can and will be done. You are going to be just fine amigo. Keep your eyes on the prize and keep pushing towards the ideal of pleasing yourself first and let everything else fall into place. Also don't look at your situation as why is this happening to me, but instead take the perspective of why is this happening for me?

Hang in there CG...keep us posted on your progress. 

Cheers and best wishes!

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