New here and looking for support

[IsThisRealLife?]

Just got off the phone with my mother in what resulted in an angry, shouting match. Well, not to much a match because I just listened. My mom has not officially been diagnosed with BPD because she does not seek any kind of help. But after reading Walking on Eggshells, I think that she might have BPD. The biggest thing my mom makes me feel guilty about is all the things that she “has done for me” and that I do nothing in return. The thing is though that the “things she has done” always equate to monetary things and things that she has paid for. I don’t want to come across as ungrateful. I am very grateful for what my parents have done for me. I would not have been able to buy my house without the money they gave me for a down payment. But the thing is that I have NEVER asked my mom for money. She literally will thrust a check into my hand or Zelle me money without my asking. And now she is using it against me. She told me today that she has spent thousands of dollars on me throughout my life and therefore I should do anything she asks me too. Does anyone else have this similar issue? Like I owe my mom for raising me?

[Couscous]

  Welcome to board!

Yep, this is classic BPD/NPD behavior. I essentially raised myself and my siblings and I still owe her. It's due to their extraordinary sense of entitlement. The best practice on this is to not accept any money, favors or gifts.

[HappyChappy]

Welcome to the board. 

The behaviour you describe does sound very frustrating , looks like your mother created a situation she could then blame you for, which is very BPD. This projection of blame also means those with BPD tend to deny any wrong doing and hence don't  change their behaviour much. But the good news is folk on here are very familiar with such behaviour and there are lots of tried and tested techniques to help you cope better and protect your own mental health, as constant unfair blame can be very damaging – just ask anyone who’s experience a lifetime of prejudice.

People with BPD often practice conditional love, as opposed to the much healthier unconditional love neurotypical parents offer. Your mother’s gifts are all probably considered acts of conditional love, that she expects some payback on. My mother spent her entire life offering money/inheritance and then coming up with reasons why no one could ever get it,  the only time our parents were generous was when my father had to have a massive argument with his BDP wife. So my mother keeps reminding us of his generosity and pretends she was never arguing against it. So the good news is it sounds like your mother does love you, only in her BPD way. But she may see the money as a hook to stop you abandoning her. Typically this would be used to set up trauma triangles. So if you tell us more, maybe we can suggest techniques – but the key is not to get upset or play along with the trauma triangle as that will encourage more behaviour. But it you just sit an listen, that’s good. But be careful this doesn’t affect your mental health. Can you mother trigger you ? How are you fairing with exposure to her rants ? Feel free to post more, folk on here are very understanding and supportive.   

[IsThisRealLife?]

Thanks for the reply!  It makes a lot of sense when you explained her money as a  a hook to stop me from abandoning her. After reading Walking on Eggshells, so much of my mother's behaviors can explained through her fear of abandonment. She has been estranged from my brother for years, which I originally thought was justified. But now I am starting to see that she is doing the same thing to me. She has told me that both my brother and I would rather be a part of our spouse's family rather than our own. She resents anything that I do with my husband's family and makes me feel like I am picking them over my mom all the time. She doesn't seem to understand that my priorities have shifted since I've been married. She just keeps talking about how much I have changed since I've been married.
Thank you for asking about my mental health. I have been speaking to a therapist since the first big blow up I had with my mom two years ago. He has been very helpful, as well as the book Walking on Eggshells. I would be lying if I said her rants don't effect me at all, but I am getting very good at remaining calm, which oddly seems to make her more angry. It seems as if she wants me to cry and beg for her forgiveness like I used to when she would get upset with me. The calmer I am and the more I demand that we talk and not yell, the madder she gets. She tells me that I am her mother and I can't tell her what to do. I responded that I may be your daughter, but I am also an adult who deserves respect. That's when she told me to F off and hung up. So in a way I feel better because I am starting to set some boundaries, but obviously your mom telling you to F off can't completely roll off your back.
Thanks again for your reply. I am beginning to think that this online forum will be very helpful in making me see that my mom's behaviors are not unique.

[Starsinthesky]

I don't get that I "owe" my mother as such. But she does pay for stuff. Like if we go  for dinner, she'll never let me pay but then she complains about the cost. I was going to visit them for Christmas (not now) which would have meant putting my dog in kennels. "I'll pay the kennel fees," she said. It was about $20 a night so not something I couldn't afford. I also still get birthday and Christmas money despite being far too old and telling her I don't want it.
She does it to infantilize me and to give her power over me. Maybe the same with you?

[eaglestar]

My mother did something very similar. She once called me, made sure my wife was in the room and asked to be placed on speaker, and then said, "Now I've been good to you two.  I gave you a nice wedding.  I've done XYZ (proceeds to list things she offered to pay for).  I need your help."  And then she asked us to make unreasonable demands of my father.  This was the first such call, and I warned my wife that my mother can be unpredictable and can become almost like a different person.  I didn't have the language at the time to name some of these behaviors, but I told her, "just be ready..."  So she was not completely shocked. 
My response in the past to these monetary bargaining conversations has been something like, "Mom, you can't offer to pay for something and then use it as leverage to get someone to do something for you.  That's not acceptable."  Calling her out on her behavior has not worked.  It only leads to the silent treatment, and then when she cools off, she will come back warmer and offer to pay for something new. 

The obvious answer is to not accept anything from her, and if that works for you, then that would likely be best!  But that's hard for me because, in her mind, she views gift-giving as a way of expressing love.  I think that is her primary love language.  Other than the time she spent helping me with schoolwork and watching TV shows together as a kid, I am pretty sure that has been her only expression of love for me.  Since we can't really spend quality time together anymore, living so far apart, gift giving is all that's left.  She won't express love verbally--if she ever does, it is an automatic, meaningless 'love you, bye.'  She *never* expressed physical love, like hugging.  That just didn't happen.  When my father would hug her, she would go stiff and look like she was being hugged by a total stranger. 

So...it will likely take some time before I'm able or willing to extricate myself from that form of love from her.

[Couscous]

eaglestar, people with a Cluster B personality disorder typically don’t have love languages. Relationships are strictly transactional.

[IsThisRealLife?]

Eaglestar, your reply is so very helpful! The behaviors of my mother are very similar to yours, which makes me take my mom's behaviors less personally. I said almost the same thing you said to your mom about how just because she gave me money that I should do whatever she wants. She told me to F--- off and hung up, which seems like a response of someone with BPD. My mom has shown physical and emotional love in the past, but lately it does seem like money is the only way she shows that she cares. I am definitely going to reject any monetary gifts in the future.  Thanks again!

[wmm]

IsThisRealLife I can relate to you so much. My mother can remember every gift she's ever given me, but when it comes to something bad she's done it's like it never happened. I've learned the hard way to stop accepting gifts. Does your mother ever mention things she's given you or done for you before asking for a favour or for something? It hurts when she tells you to F off because no matter what, she's still your mother. Nobody wants their mother to say that to them. Your feelings are completely understandable and valid.

[HappyChappy]

...I am starting to set some boundaries, but obviously your mom telling you to F off can't completely roll off your back.

Excellent - keep calm and carry on.    A BPD will always want unfetter access so will always challenge boundaries. Be firm but fair, her bombarding will start to die down (World war II only lasted 6 years, so it won't be long now )

[IsThisRealLife?]

wmm, yes she always reminds me of all the things she has done for me, and why can't I do xyz for her? I'm not sure how to nicely tell her that moms should do things for this children without expecting anything in return...

[GaGrl]

My stepdaughter recently quit accepting anything from her uNPD/BPD mother (my husband's ex), realizing that the resulting manipulations were not worth it -- everything comes with "strings attached."

It was the only way to start turning the relationship away from being purely transactional in nature, and she still isn't there yet.

[Methuen]

Ive been married 33 years.  In our 3rd year of marriage, we decided to purchase our first house.  One day, she showed up at the house with a $10,000 cheque (“gift”) towards a downpayment.  We thanked her but declined it.  OMG that led to bad stuff.  A monetary “gift” always has strings attached, if not now, at some point in the future.  It’s easier to decline it.