Another day forward yet feeling behind

[Depression = 72% of members]

Today started well. I got good sleep for the first time in over a week (since pwBPD call the police on me) . Around 3pm I start getting sad as this is when I would run home to help get her ready for work: pack lunches, watch the news, snuggle a few minutes: I felt like the most important person on the planet, that we were surfing after the abortion and growing closer. Well it’s hard knowing you can’t go back and please anyone who reads this, if you think there is no going back please tell me. I don’t think there is: trust  her ever again after calling the police? Not to mention I’m blocked though we still live together. I’m staying with a friend still. She says’ it’s your rental too’ but I don’t think I could relax there. Plus I don’t want to face her way bringing someone home to sleep with when I’m there, etc. She said she is moving out but honestly we haven’t spoken much, just ‘it’s your rental too’ when I asked if I can come by and grab some stuff. She has separated our stuff in the house and  no labeled the kitchen for what spaces are hers(I considered this may be for the movers ?) I haven’t seen her since and have been no contact though I won’t lie: I look to see if she emailed me or texted me. So hard to reconcile when this person was talking engagement rings, children, moving with her to be close to family, but also surfing tinder. I miss her and it bugs me because I know I’m better off moving forward, detaching, pulling the plug…no trust, never had much as I look back but always hopeful. My therapist said that the feelings I was feeling when I thought things were better were just actually times when I had disengaged from thinking about it, beginning to let my guard down again and wham: next dramatic mess…but in truth it was always going on : the tinder, the lack of trust, boundaries, the slow and subtle moves of coercion, manipulation. He also reminded me that what she is accusing me of is most likely what she is going through but can’t face her own emotions so projected it onto me. God it’s unbelievable to me to find myself sad and honestly what keeps me from actually writing her is when I remind myself:’but she lied to the police and sent them after me ‘ and I say’sad is better than prison’… but I did really love her and how she could think I would have been with any other woman is beyond absurd to me but I didn’t go there when she ‘split’ I didn’t try to save it and I didn’t engage so she blocked me….I wonder if she’ll ever unblock me? I wonder if she suffers the loss of us at all? Does she miss my cooking? My companionship? My love? Or was I just a servant, a puppet, and space filler for the moment. Did she actually love me? Is there any forgiveness or empathy in her at all? Will there ever be resolve? I doubt it and honestly if it did arrive I don’t know what it’d matter. I learned so much and still am and read all over the boards. I think it’s just too risky to ever be in her orbit again, but maybe I’m just so addicted to ‘hope’ for us that it pulls my thoughts backwards. I’m sure it will get better as things and times move forward but the sadness sucks and the lack of physical affection and even just not seeing her smile kills me every now and again. But all that is still better than legal trouble or a life of unending drama.

[Firsttimefather]

Today started well. I got good sleep for the first time in over a week (since pwBPD call the police on me) . Around 3pm I start getting sad as this is when I would run home to help get her ready for work: pack lunches, watch the news, snuggle a few minutes: I felt like the most important person on the planet, that we were surfing after the abortion and growing closer. Well it’s hard knowing you can’t go back and please anyone who reads this, if you think there is no going back please tell me. I don’t think there is: trust  her ever again after calling the police? Not to mention I’m blocked though we still live together. I’m staying with a friend still. She says’ it’s your rental too’ but I don’t think I could relax there. Plus I don’t want to face her way bringing someone home to sleep with when I’m there, etc. She said she is moving out but honestly we haven’t spoken much, just ‘it’s your rental too’ when I asked if I can come by and grab some stuff. She has separated our stuff in the house and  no labeled the kitchen for what spaces are hers(I considered this may be for the movers ?) I haven’t seen her since and have been no contact though I won’t lie: I look to see if she emailed me or texted me. So hard to reconcile when this person was talking engagement rings, children, moving with her to be close to family, but also surfing tinder. I miss her and it bugs me because I know I’m better off moving forward, detaching, pulling the plug…no trust, never had much as I look back but always hopeful. My therapist said that the feelings I was feeling when I thought things were better were just actually times when I had disengaged from thinking about it, beginning to let my guard down again and wham: next dramatic mess…but in truth it was always going on : the tinder, the lack of trust, boundaries, the slow and subtle moves of coercion, manipulation. He also reminded me that what she is accusing me of is most likely what she is going through but can’t face her own emotions so projected it onto me. God it’s unbelievable to me to find myself sad and honestly what keeps me from actually writing her is when I remind myself:’but she lied to the police and sent them after me ‘ and I say’sad is better than prison’… but I did really love her and how she could think I would have been with any other woman is beyond absurd to me but I didn’t go there when she ‘split’ I didn’t try to save it and I didn’t engage so she blocked me….I wonder if she’ll ever unblock me? I wonder if she suffers the loss of us at all? Does she miss my cooking? My companionship? My love? Or was I just a servant, a puppet, and space filler for the moment. Did she actually love me? Is there any forgiveness or empathy in her at all? Will there ever be resolve? I doubt it and honestly if it did arrive I don’t know what it’d matter. I learned so much and still am and read all over the boards. I think it’s just too risky to ever be in her orbit again, but maybe I’m just so addicted to ‘hope’ for us that it pulls my thoughts backwards. I’m sure it will get better as things and times move forward but the sadness sucks and the lack of physical affection and even just not seeing her smile kills me every now and again. But all that is still better than legal trouble or a life of unending drama.