The Final Discard

[Jeana]

I met who I thought was the man I'd spend the rest of my life with. I was widowed 7 years when I met, I'll call him John. In the beginning everything was so wonderful. He made me feel so good about us. I felt very special to hm. We had a short courtship.
We were married about 8 months into the relationship. I saw some- what I know now as red flags. He'd get angry over small things(way over the top angry) such as me not agreeing with him. At first, I thought it was me. I told myself I would have to be more careful as to how I would phrase things. We had our first break-up 4 months into the marriage. The second break-up a few months later. Neither lasted more than a week. John told me all about his past. How he was hurt in every relationship. How he had to walk away from the pain that was inflicted upon him. Umm, he was always the victim. John told me he had so many women in his life he could not count them. He told me this was his past and he never ever wanted to live like this again. He was a changed man.
Well I found out that his past wasn't over. I began to see a drastic change in him. he began to criticize me all the time. I couldn't do anything right. He has distance himself from me, given me the silent treatment. Little did I know he with was having an affair with one of his exes.  To make a long story short. One day he just vanished. I haven't seen him in months. There has been no closure-NOTHING! With the Help of Almighty GOD, and forums like this-I am getting through this horrible EXPERIENCE! Looking back it was never a marriage. I'm focusing on myself. Getting my life back. reconnecting with family members and old friends. I pray and ask GOD to help me not to hold this against John. He is who he is. I read a quote "Crisis is Opportunity" I hope I can one day help someone who is experiencing what I am getting through.

[rob66]

So absolutely sorry about that. I just wrote this earlier today on another post, but so many who post on this site have such a similar, if not mirrored version of each other's experiences. Your experience might as well have been mine. My ex's anger over not agreeing with her ("WE"RE PARTNERS AND THAT'S WHAT PARTNERS DO!" she yelled at me like any good partner would. ) - but her not agreeing with me; the increasing criticism, hyper vigilance and fault finding; the complete lack of closure after the discard. Like you, I tried to be a sensitive, empathetic, and measured communicator; tried to state things the way she wanted them stated - I was very diligent in trying to do this; after all, why wouldn't I want to do this? I wanted to help her, to save her from the terrible past she had. I was going to treat her differently than all the previously rotten people in her life treated her. Bottom line, eventually it won't matter to them.

Like you, I have also tried, and succeeded, to detach with compassion. What are we supposed to be angry at? Ghosts? In a way, there are ghosts living in them, telling them what to think, how to act, warning them that we are not to be trusted. Really, it's not their fault. My ex was born into a dark life. The cards were stacked against her from birth. She insisted that she had done enough work on herself so that her past trauma's didn't control her, but instead she controlled them. Which she did. To an extent. I really do hope she finds complete peace. She deserves it. We all do.

You are already off to doing the right thing. Reconnecting with friends is so important. Crisis IS opportunity, and that is such a wonderful attitude. I've read other people write that they thank their ex for the "opportunity to grow." I don't. Seeing challenges as opportunities to grow is more about our inner resiliency. You've got some rough days ahead, but you WILL be fine. Let all the feelings flow through you. Don't fight them. Give them life, so that once they have dissolved, any residue left from the experience will be innocuous. Have a glass of wine, if you drink, and listen to Frank Sinatra's, "That's Life," and begin your path back to yourself.