Working through the changes with the occasional struggle

[Firsttimefather]

Wow how helpful the tools are here on the site. Practicing mindfulness and it is really helping. I’m using these forums to vent and hope that’s ok. Any and all feedback is so helpful and appreciative. Today started with a lot of reminiscing but I try to not let it overtake me. More and more I am seeing the little ‘red flags’ I chose to ignore time and time again. The realizations that your partner really wasn’t on the same page with you. I’m looking to find more stories on here for people who dealt with the police being called on them. Though mostly I’m working on detaching. It is hard as we need to connect to talk moving etc and honestly I don’t want to contact her at all, also she blocked my texts though I think email still gets through as that’s the last place we spoke days ago. What is helpful is months ago having had to deal with a split that I thought wouldn’t reverse. Funny how even though I know it’s not a healthy place for me, sometimes I find myself hoping that maybe this time she decides something needs to change as this is clearly a repeating pattern though I also think that’s a long shot. I was her caretaker and that’s the role she wanted me as, not even sure if she loved me actually. Glad it was only a year. Again I would love to see stories where police were called and curiously, stories where police were called but relationship succeeded, improved. I really don’t see myself turning around but see that part of the process of dealing is considering both sides: end or continue. I find it all helpful. In my mind she is already on to the next person most likely but I also feel like I lay myself think that as a means to prepare for it when it happens. If she does go that route it’s just further proof the patterns continue. If I didn’t have to deal with the fact we live together t would be much easier I’m sure. She hasn’t blocked me from coming home necessarily but I don’t want another unwarranted police visit, nor do I want to get sucked back in or be in an uncomfortable and toxic environment. In some respects I’m sure you can say I’m a little on the fence about leaving though I had been that way for a little while now anyway. One last thing for this post: my friend was discussing how we normalize things to deal with the level of toxicity and coercion. At first I spoke as if I didn’t realize I did that to which he responded “well you did start keeping a backpack ready for the event you had to flee and sleep in your van to escape’ ..fair enough.again any and all feedback or fingers pointed in the right direction is requested and appreciated. Also I occasionally get the notion to write her mother to explain how sad it is to move on from her daughter as I truly did love her and did nothing really wrong but as I mentally imagine writing a letter to my recent ex of my mother, the ‘exhaustion’ of having to deal with all the psychoanalysis and tiptoeing around, choosing the right words for sake of negative ramifications or consequences: it makes me see myself not able to just be me but reassume my eroded self…thanks everyone

[Turkish]

You were turned into the police for false charges of domestic violence while also being accused of being a sex offender (rapist) of underage persons. How do you see this turning into a success story given she tried to send you to prison over her delusions and anger?

I wouldn't engage with her mother for sympathy or to encourage her daughter to find more help. You're at risk for more accusations, and she's her daughter. I got a lot of sympathy from my ex's family, but at the end of the day, blood is thicker than water.

[Firsttimefather]

Thank you for your honesty and I agree. She but a little today as I tried to discuss the moving out of the house. It’s too too risky. Your feedback is very helpful to me. Another voice saying it and I so appreciate it. She is troubled and is trouble. Everyday I’m closer to free. I get less trapped in the sadness and memories and more focused on the present. I believe she is dangerous for me snd untrustworthy. Always was ….thanks again and be well

[Turkish]

You would do well to take in some Lessons from  the Bettering Board while you are still living together. I didn't get the cops called on me (she guy she left me for and married did twice, and he was charged with resisting arrest), yet they helped to reduce conflict while we negotiated custody of a 1 and 3 year old while we lived together in a tiny home for a few months until she could comfortably move out.

Edit: in my time here, I've never seen such a success story after law enforcement was called, for just false DV, much less child rape. How would it go if you had children? My ex has given me static over my then 8 year old daughter cuddling on my lap. Proud of then D8, she stood up to her mom, "no one tells me how to love my daddy!"

[Firsttimefather]

Thank you for your response,
  Honestly I don’t know if we could pull it off living together, not now that’s for sure and this can’t go on long as I’m displaced because of it. If I lived with her I feel she would simply go on acting so relentless and just plain cruel. In hindsight when she would go to that place she would often come across very dehumanizing. I literally would say , “ but im a human at least treat me like one’. It would be like asking to be abused if I tried I feel.
 As for children etc. I think both you and the other responder (sorry I didn’t recall their name) both have good points on this matter. Luckily, and it’s sad for me to say that as we were pregnant once me she split and had an abortion cause she thought I was trying to trap her, and on and on… but I also think it would be a long hard and arduous path back and at what cost should I consider going back. Honestly I’m getting so exhausted by it all I look forward (literally) as I look forward to the days to come and she is more of just a memory. We were only together a year and honestly even less than as she copes with overwork/oversleep (or at least did all year), so I channel the my old self being home alone while she was off visiting family. I do think forward is the better choice for my situation. We had a brief email thing earlier today to discuss the house. Her first response was : I’m not moving so get the PLEASE READ out….basically I’m starting to look at places. She may move still too but as it stands. I got silenced in her last email so I didn’t continue. I didn’t get too ‘sucked in’ , didn’t really engage with it so she shut me up…I truly wish I didn’t have to work out the lease thing so I’m looking to try to end it faster. It’s so textbook it’s almost cliche…(not to be insensitive ), what I mean to say is ‘the writing’s on the wall”