oldest child was diagnosed with BPD but refuses treatment

[mamabear33]

I have just joined this group. We have 5 children ranging from 11 years old to 20 years old. Our oldest daughter was diagnosed with BPD at 18 and it was finally an answer for all the difficulty she had experienced and caused since she was a younger teen.

I am struggling with how abusive she was and continues to be to her siblings. She can be super ugly to me but I'm an adult and can not take it so personally. She is especially mean to her 18 year old sister. I do not know how to navigate this. My other children have significant trauma from what they experienced her do when she was younger.

She lives 1200 miles away from us not but came home over Thanksgiving. I was soo happy to have my children all home together. I was hopeful things had changed but it was only good 1 day then the emotional outbursts, rage, blaming assaults, quick mood swings began. She is also a vegan and has celiacs so trying to have the appropriate food choices for her was hard but we managed just find. She decided to only eat 3 small meals the entire time she was here because we "cause her so much anxiety she can't eat."

I try not to engage when she is like that but I got so defensive of my other children and husband and tired of her telling me how "horrible" we were to her growing up that I lost it. It didn't help and I know better. It's just so hard! I love her so much and want to have a normal relationship with her as I do with my other children. I want her to get help. We have always paid for any therapy she wants. We are here waiting in the wings for her to get the help she needs and deserves. I do not want our family to be like this. She is hurting and it pains me to my core.

Has anyone else felt like this? I feel like I'm crazy every time she is home. The distorting of what I have said or done years ago makes me feel like such a failure. Any advice, tips or recommendations appreciated. Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hey, welcome mamabear33, glad you found us.

Whew, 5 kids, and oldest BPD -- that's a LOT.

I am struggling with how abusive she was and continues to be to her siblings.

How old was your BPDd when you first started having "suspicions" that it wasn't just "teen behavior" etc?

Also, does your BPDd accept her diagnosis?

Is she 1200 miles away... at college?

I try not to engage when she is like that but I got so defensive of my other children and husband and tired of her telling me how "horrible" we were to her growing up that I lost it. It didn't help and I know better. It's just so hard!

A common theme when dealing with pwBPD (people with BPD) is that desire to FINALLY just lay it all out, to FINALLY say all those things that you hope will shock them into change, that desire to "get them to see" what they're doing. Relatable, and yes, you're right, it rarely leads to the outcomes we want.

I want her to get help. We have always paid for any therapy she wants. We are here waiting in the wings for her to get the help she needs and deserves. I do not want our family to be like this. She is hurting and it pains me to my core.

20 is still young. It's hard to untangle, how much of the poor choices she's making are because she's 20, and how much of it is the BPD. Difficult mix.

Has anyone else felt like this? I feel like I'm crazy every time she is home. The distorting of what I have said or done years ago makes me feel like such a failure. Any advice, tips or recommendations appreciated. Thanks.

Does she ask to come home?

Big picture, I suspect that the way to keep the "crazy" down, is to limit the time she spends at your home, sadly but truly.

That being said, I think there are still ways to "include her in the family" without having so much personal time together. Everyone goes out to the zoo together, or out to a movie, or out to a restaurant... something where "what the family is doing" happens to be out, and of course she's included. But, it's more limited time, and often, when the time is limited, it can be more positive and less triggering.

Does she have a job? Wondering if a new boundary could be around her needing to stay somewhere else when she comes home to visit -- a cheap AirBnB, for example. It might be framed less as a BPD thing and more of a "well, now that you're an adult" kind of thing.

Interested to hear more from you about how things are going...

kells76