Beginning my no contact journey from my BPD partner

[Depression = 72% of members]

Sigh. Hi guys.

My boyfriend has put me in the devaluation process. I felt like a hamster constantly running on the wheel trying to make this work. In a few days it would be 3 months officially together and 5 months of dating/getting to know each other. I’m super hurt right now.

Yesterday I stopped by his house because he’s practically been ghosting me for weeks claiming he needs space and to catch his second wind. I think typically if you need space from your partner you still check in on them. Nope not him. He also may or may not know I snoop on his Twitter account (we don’t follow each other on it) but he retweets and likes awful and hurtful things and it just stings every time. He tries to act like some heartless player on Twitter. But a saint on Instagram (we follow each other on Instagram). Anyways things got steamy between us and when he was distracted I went through his phone (I know shame on me smh) and I see he went to brunch with some girl and that he also deleted my number. I ended up texting her from his phone while he was distracted and said “I have a gf” and deleted the text so he wouldn’t see it. I feel bad trust me I do. But it’s best she knows before being another victim and most importantly, we have not broken up even though he’s detach he seems to refuse to break up.

Before our intimacy moment and me checking his phone he actually opened up a bit and started crying because he said how wonderful I am and that he doesn’t want to lose me. We cried together and that was the first time I seen him cry or express himself in a way aside from raging at me.

Fast fwd that night I asked him if his heart was elsewhere. Keep in mind he doesn’t know I checked his text and saw he’s been out and about. He eventually and vaguely confessed it might be a possibility that his heart is elsewhere but it’s also with me.. So I essentially told him to explore that option since he’s not happy with me, since he complains about being with me every chance he gets, and since we are hardly communicating. He felt like I was playing a victim? And that he just cried to me and his heart is with me. I guess. He also felt like when he needed space I didn’t grant it to him so I told him if he’s needs space I’ll give it to him to which he felt I was twisting it or being malicious? Idk I’m confused but such is like with a BPD partner.

Honestly I’m hurt. Part of me feels relieve to leave this hell hole of a relationship. He’s drained me so much my body is physically aching from stress. My heart hurts. Another part feels like a huge part has been ripped from me. I wish he was the person I thought he was in the beginning. We haven’t officially broken up but I think it’s best to release myself and allow him to “free himself” the last thing I said to him last night was “you never cared” and I drove off. He didn’t like me saying that but oh well. I’ve been so loyal to him. I’ve tried you guys in fought so hard for this relationship and he gave up yet still wants me? Yet wants to date other people? Yet has trust issues and been hurt throughout his life? But I’m getting all of the projection. I get to feel like crap everytime I’m with him. He tries his best to make me jealous and insecure every chance he gets. On social media he acts like he’s my biggest advocate. Smh. It sucks because I wish he was at his best, but it’s so damaging to continue this.

[Phoenix910]

Sigh. Hi guys.

My boyfriend has put me in the devaluation process. I felt like a hamster constantly running on the wheel trying to make this work. In a few days it would be 3 months officially together and 5 months of dating/getting to know each other. I’m super hurt right now.

Yesterday I stopped by his house because he’s practically been ghosting me for weeks claiming he needs space and to catch his second wind. I think typically if you need space from your partner you still check in on them. Nope not him. He also may or may not know I snoop on his Twitter account (we don’t follow each other on it) but he retweets and likes awful and hurtful things and it just stings every time. He tries to act like some heartless player on Twitter. But a saint on Instagram (we follow each other on Instagram). Anyways things got steamy between us and when he was distracted I went through his phone (I know shame on me smh) and I see he went to brunch with some girl and that he also deleted my number. I ended up texting her from his phone while he was distracted and said “I have a gf” and deleted the text so he wouldn’t see it. I feel bad trust me I do. But it’s best she knows before being another victim and most importantly, we have not broken up even though he’s detach he seems to refuse to break up.

Before our intimacy moment and me checking his phone he actually opened up a bit and started crying because he said how wonderful I am and that he doesn’t want to lose me. We cried together and that was the first time I seen him cry or express himself in a way aside from raging at me.

Fast fwd that night I asked him if his heart was elsewhere. Keep in mind he doesn’t know I checked his text and saw he’s been out and about. He eventually and vaguely confessed it might be a possibility that his heart is elsewhere but it’s also with me.. So I essentially told him to explore that option since he’s not happy with me, since he complains about being with me every chance he gets, and since we are hardly communicating. He felt like I was playing a victim? And that he just cried to me and his heart is with me. I guess. He also felt like when he needed space I didn’t grant it to him so I told him if he’s needs space I’ll give it to him to which he felt I was twisting it or being malicious? Idk I’m confused but such is like with a BPD partner.

Honestly I’m hurt. Part of me feels relieve to leave this hell hole of a relationship. He’s drained me so much my body is physically aching from stress. My heart hurts. Another part feels like a huge part has been ripped from me. I wish he was the person I thought he was in the beginning. We haven’t officially broken up but I think it’s best to release myself and allow him to “free himself” the last thing I said to him last night was “you never cared” and I drove off. He didn’t like me saying that but oh well. I’ve been so loyal to him. I’ve tried you guys in fought so hard for this relationship and he gave up yet still wants me? Yet wants to date other people? Yet has trust issues and been hurt throughout his life? But I’m getting all of the projection. I get to feel like crap everytime I’m with him. He tries his best to make me jealous and insecure every chance he gets. On social media he acts like he’s my biggest advocate. Smh. It sucks because I wish he was at his best, but it’s so damaging to continue this.

[Phoenix910]

Im new to this idk how to delete my reply to myself

[Phoenix910]

Hi guys just an update. I did end up reaching out to my uBPD boyfriend yesterday. I wanted to ghost him so bad. But sounds like he had a bad day yesterday after our argument on Sunday. He said he took the day off and he’s been thinking about me all day. I spoke with his sister yesterday as well to gain more insight about him. It’s obvious the family doesn’t put too much thought that he may have a mental illness. But I listened to her advice on knowing how to communicate with him. She was very helpful, but the difference is: family members and friends have more flexibility in deciding to deal with their loved one with BPD. As a romantic partner, your interactions are closer together which puts you in the line of fire more frequently

[ILMBPDC]

Honestly I’m hurt. Part of me feels relieve to leave this hell hole of a relationship. He’s drained me so much my body is physically aching from stress. My heart hurts.

Keep this in mind. I had to keep reminding myself why he was bad for me, why it would never work out.

Another part feels like a huge part has been ripped from me. I wish he was the person I thought he was in the beginning.

Yeah that is one of the worst things - that early love bombing and mirroring makes you fall for a person that doesn't exist and its so hard to realize that that person never existed. And its so hard to let go of that fantasy

I’ve tried you guys in fought so hard for this relationship and he gave up yet still wants me? Yet wants to date other people? Yet has trust issues and been hurt throughout his life? But I’m getting all of the projection. I get to feel like crap everytime I’m with him. He tries his best to make me jealous and insecure every chance he gets. On social media he acts like he’s my biggest advocate. Smh. It sucks because I wish he was at his best, but it’s so damaging to continue this.

Again, keep this all in mind. You deserve so much more - you deserve a relationship with a man who treats you like you matter, one that won't play with your feelings. He is already making you feel awful - he is not going to have a sudden change of heart and do a 180 on his behavior - it will only get worse.

Hi guys just an update. I did end up reaching out to my uBPD boyfriend yesterday. I wanted to ghost him so bad. But sounds like he had a bad day yesterday after our argument on Sunday. He said he took the day off and he’s been thinking about me all day.

Oh they are really good at reeling you back in, telling you what you want to hear but never backing it up with action. 
You are still in the early stages of a BPD relationship - read some of the people who are now divorcing their BPD ex - it only gets worse. I highly recommend going full no contact. It's honestly the only way to get perspective and to heal from this.

For now I leave you with this:
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" ~Maya Angelou

[Phoenix910]

*Sorry it cut my update short he’s the full version*
Hi guys just an update. I did end up reaching out to my uBPD boyfriend yesterday. I wanted to ghost him so bad. But sounds like he had a bad day yesterday after our argument on Sunday. He said he took the day off and he’s been thinking about me all day. I spoke with his sister yesterday as well to gain more insight about him. It’s obvious the family doesn’t put too much thought that he may have a mental illness. But I listened to her advice on knowing how to communicate with him. She was very helpful, but the difference is: family members and friends have more flexibility in deciding to deal with their loved one with BPD. As a romantic partner, your interactions are closer together which puts you in the line of fire more frequently. Well fast fwd the convo with my boyfriend went well but I told him that I’m not sharing him. He has gone to brunch with the “female friend” (I saw through his text) and I don’t approve. He says he going to get it under control. How do I give him an ultimatum because I don’t know how long it takes to get something like this under control. I know his heart is with me it’s just when he’s having an episode he’s very petty (going on Twitter and liking hurtful things and seeming like he wants attention/validation from other females) it’s very embarrassing. I really want him to go to DBT therapy. But idk how to pitch it yet. We’re still fresh into our relationship. I see some success stories where people say their partner no longer is considered someone with BPD and man is that a beautiful story. Idk if that’ll be my story, but I’d be lying if I said I didn't want it to be.

Oh we also established a boundary! We decided whenever we are both getting angry with one another, we will say “let’s have this conversation when we both cool down” rather than us both being at a 10. Little steps. Honestly I’m also worried he’s going to abuse this right and use it as an opportunity to avoid certain conversations. I hope he doesn’t but I wouldn’t put it past him.

[jaded7]

Oh we also established a boundary! We decided whenever we are both getting angry with one another, we will say “let’s have this conversation when we both cool down” rather than us both being at a 10. Little steps. Honestly I’m also worried he’s going to abuse this right and use it as an opportunity to avoid certain conversations. I hope he doesn’t but I wouldn’t put it past him.

I'd be careful with this. In the early stages of my relationship, after the idealization stage and into the stage of devaluing (criticisms, explosive anger, put-downs, yelling, belittling, etc.) she'd be going on and on with accusations and stories about me (untrue) and I'd be defending myself. I would not let her label me the way she was doing, I wouldn't let her rework the narrative to make me look bad, or I'd point out the things she was saying that were not true.

She'd get increasingly worked up, then accuse me of ' being flooded'. I'd have to then say I'm not flooded (as she would continue to consistently cut me off to the point where I'd say "please let me finish a sentence?").

So SHE came up with a 'plan'- when one person asks to take a break, the other will honor it. Wanting to be a respectful and loving partner, I said of course (but inside I'm wondering why she is saying this, she's the one who gets to yelling and cutting off).

So...in the future, when she'd again accuse me of something or start yelling at me for something I didn't do, I'd defend myself and THEN she'd say "we agreed to honor if someone wanted to take a pause, so I'm calling for a pause." As a person who wants to honor their word, and honor the relationship, I always said of course and honored it.

Within 10 seconds, she'd start in again. I'd point out to her that she just called for a pause and now she's violating it, she'd get more angry. Then she'd just say I have to go or hang up on me. Would not even acknowledge that she had just violated the relationship rule SHE set.

It was the equivalent of the white flag, flag of surrender, ruse in battle.

It was clear to me later that she had no intention of honoring the 'pause', or was simply incapable of it, and it was a tactic of control. I honored every pause.

By the way, every time I ever set a boundary, she violated it. Immediately. Then angrily blamed me.

[Phoenix910]

Thanks for the insight Jaded7. Are you guys still together? If so how long has it been?

I’m just conflicted with my partner because he complains about being discontent with me every chance he gets and when I finally began calling his bluff by encouraging him to go be happy , it seemed he didn’t want that?

I know he feels intense emotions and fears of being hurt and abandoned but isn’t it suffering to live in that state of fear? Wouldn’t it be best to revert back to casually dating where you don’t have to intentionally devote yourself to someone? He has my heart but I’m trying to use my mind here, idk how it’s going to get better. I seriously wish he was in therapy and aware of his condition.

I feel like I have to reach out to him a lot now, he did tell me good morning baby. (We haven’t been talking like we used to for the past 2 weeks). We spoke on the phone for about it an hour or two as well. He admitted he was scared to lose me over the weekend but I’m just like Fix it Lord! Idk how I wound up in this situation. As if I needed additional stress in my life.

[jaded7]

Thanks for the insight Jaded7. Are you guys still together? If so how long has it been?

I’m just conflicted with my partner because he complains about being discontent with me every chance he gets and when I finally began calling his bluff by encouraging him to go be happy , it seemed he didn’t want that?

I know he feels intense emotions and fears of being hurt and abandoned but isn’t it suffering to live in that state of fear? Wouldn’t it be best to revert back to casually dating where you don’t have to intentionally devote yourself to someone? He has my heart but I’m trying to use my mind here, idk how it’s going to get better. I seriously wish he was in therapy and aware of his condition.

I feel like I have to reach out to him a lot now, he did tell me good morning baby. (We haven’t been talking like we used to for the past 2 weeks). We spoke on the phone for about it an hour or two as well. He admitted he was scared to lose me over the weekend but I’m just like Fix it Lord! Idk how I wound up in this situation. As if I needed additional stress in my life.

We were together two years, and it got worse and worse. I was, and still am, stuck in the thinking you are showing here. It's been almost two years since I last spoke to her, and I still wake up every morning thinking of her and walk around trying to explain to her (in my head) that's not what I said, but you never told me about that appointment, but you yelled at me for cancelling plans (never did, btw) but you cancelled our plans or forgot about them...etc., etc. Total crazy-making, always at fault, never good enough, everything I do is somehow wrong. Second guessing myself, trying to not make her mad.

You are also showing my thinking regarding "if he loves/wants me, why does he put me down and belittle me?". Maybe he wants to put you down? Maybe he's needing to control you that way?

And, like me, you are feeling sorry for him and see him as a victim. Mine had a very big victim mentality, I felt sorry for her and the struggles she had in her life (that she constantly talked about) and wanted to be there for her. But, somehow, I always screwed it up, always let her down, and of course the constant put-downs and ghosting and shaming.

You are confused. I was confused. Is this love? Why do I feel so belittled and disrespected? How does she misinterpret what I'm doing/saying? Maybe I need to try a little harder.

[Phoenix910]

Jaded7 yes you understand completely. Smh it’s such a lose lose situation. I haven’t even had a good night’s rest in days if not weeks. This feeling is pure misery. Last night I think I came to the conclusion to break it off but perhaps offering to be there for support and be his friend. Maybe that won’t make him feel abandoned?

I fear he might go into a deep dark hole if I try to release myself from this relationship so I’m feeling stuck. My mom and his sister essentially are encouraging to express my feelings to him and have patience. They really don’t understand what I’m up against! I feel so misunderstood. I expressed to my mom that I believe he has BPD and she just thinks he’s acting spoiled? Smh it’s so freaking annoying how people are oblivious to this matter.

I feel he is suffering trying to maintain this relationship whilst having this fear of abandonment and paranoia that I’m going to hurt him in some way. I’ve recently got a therapist myself just to be able to vent to someone. I wish this wasn’t reality. I wish he was the person I thought I initially met. But I don’t know if he’ll ever be that person. He’s unpredictable. I’m sad about this but deep down inside there’s an ounce of relief to feel my normal sense again. I feel like I’ve dimmed my light. He’s a great guy and I’m sad that he suffers in this way. I’m thinking about bringing the symptoms to him to ask if he resonates with them. And if he does I’ll try to have an open non-judgmental conversation with him.

Did your ex know she had BPD?

[jaded7]

Jaded7 yes you understand completely. Smh it’s such a lose lose situation. I haven’t even had a good night’s rest in days if not weeks. This feeling is pure misery. Last night I think I came to the conclusion to break it off but perhaps offering to be there for support and be his friend. Maybe that won’t make him feel abandoned?

I fear he might go into a deep dark hole if I try to release myself from this relationship so I’m feeling stuck. My mom and his sister essentially are encouraging to express my feelings to him and have patience. They really don’t understand what I’m up against! I feel so misunderstood. I expressed to my mom that I believe he has BPD and she just thinks he’s acting spoiled? Smh it’s so freaking annoying how people are oblivious to this matter.

I feel he is suffering trying to maintain this relationship whilst having this fear of abandonment and paranoia that I’m going to hurt him in some way. I’ve recently got a therapist myself just to be able to vent to someone. I wish this wasn’t reality. I wish he was the person I thought I initially met. But I don’t know if he’ll ever be that person. He’s unpredictable. I’m sad about this but deep down inside there’s an ounce of relief to feel my normal sense again. I feel like I’ve dimmed my light. He’s a great guy and I’m sad that he suffers in this way. I’m thinking about bringing the symptoms to him to ask if he resonates with them. And if he does I’ll try to have an open non-judgmental conversation with him.

Did your ex know she had BPD?

I hope others jump in on your idea about pointing out to him that he might have BPD. I've read a lot on here, and I've never heard anyone say that this is a good idea. Not giving advice, but look into that more.

I can see you are very empathic, so am I. I tried and tried to understand what was happening, tried and tried to not feel hurt by the putdowns and name calling, even tried to point out to her that I wasn't critical of her, did she notice that? She told me "you must be a better person than me". Not what I was aiming for.

I was there for her when she needed me, I listened to her and helped her feel understood and heard. If I had a thing that was tough in my life, "I thought I told you to...", "I don't have time for your emotions."

You are now a bit of an emotional hostage due to his behavior and your empathy. I'd talk to your therapist about this.

The unpredictability is a thing, I experienced it too. I even told her that "ignoring my calls and messages for days, even a week, is hurtful and confusing dehumanizing, especially when you say you love me. It's intermittent reinforcement." She responded with "I can acknowledge that. I've been spending time with my friends, they understand my life. You are ..." and then a whole litany of put downs and storming out of the deli we were in.

She acknowledged ghosting me. She acknowledged ignoring me. And then two days later was mad at me when I didn't respond in 24 hours to a text because I was shredded and thought she had broken up with me. She literally eviscerated me in an email and phone call.

In answer to your question, she told me she has cPTSD, she acknowledged (to other people, not to me directly) that "it causes problems in her interpersonal relationships and she has a hard time being vulnerable." We never discussed any of this.

You may come to learn that cPTSD and BPD are very hard to distinguish, even for professional therapists. The explosive anger, the unpredictability, the projected shame, are similar.

I don't know what the truth is about her. I'm working to establish, again, in my mind that I'm a good person. Remember that I never yelled at her, called her names, put her down. Coming home to myself again.

It's completely, totally crazy-making

[Couscous]

Jaded7 I fear he might go into a deep dark hole if I try to release myself from this relationship so I’m feeling stuck. My mom and his sister essentially are encouraging to express my feelings to him and have patience. They really don’t understand what I’m up against! I feel so misunderstood.

Your mom and his sister are acting as his codependent agents and as such, their advice is completely biased. He may very well go into a deep dark hole by leaving him. This does not mean that you still must leave him. Breaking a trauma bond is hard. And going no contact is the only way to do it.   

[ILMBPDC]

I hope others jump in on your idea about pointing out to him that he might have BPD. I've read a lot on here, and I've never heard anyone say that this is a good idea. Not giving advice, but look into that more.

I'll give advice: don't do it.
No one likes to be told they have a mental illness and with BPD its completely uncertain how they will act. Some of them are very volatile. Most - if not all - would get very resentful and that wouldn't bode well for the relationship. He needs to figure out he has an issue and work to rectify it on his own - no one can do it for him.

I am going to suggest you do what you can do - take care of yourself. Ask yourself if you like feeling the way he makes you feel. See a therapist to try and figure out why you want to stay in a relationship like this:

I felt like a hamster constantly running on the wheel trying to make this work.

I’m super hurt right now.

he retweets and likes awful and hurtful things and it just stings every time.

first time I seen him cry or express himself in a way aside from raging at me.

Honestly I’m hurt.

Part of me feels relieve to leave this hell hole of a relationship.

He’s drained me so much my body is physically aching from stress.

My heart hurts.

But I’m getting all of the projection.

I get to feel like crap everytime I’m with him.

He tries his best to make me jealous and insecure every chance he gets.

You are in early stages - it will not get better.
To paraphrase Taylor Swift: is the high worth the pain?

[jaded7]

Well said ILMBPDC.

Sometimes we need someone to distill this out for us, as I know you know. That's why I have a therapist who helps me cut through the confusion, time and time again.

The part of our hearts- nearly all of us on on here- that wants to hold on, to see the good in them, to make excuses for their treatment of us, that felt sorry or pity for them, that liked taking care of them, that tried to let the harsh words and putdowns bounce off and not take them personally (but they sink in, slowly but surely, anyway), that thought 'surely, they can't mean what they're saying? She/he said they love me. Must be having a tough day, I can love them better'...all of this.

I think it comes from our empathic natures and a type of codependency


-that believes that if I were acting this way or saying these things to my partner, I would know I was hurting them, and I wouldn't want to do that, so I would be acting out of character, so they must be too!

-they must know their behavior and words are hurtful and didn't mean it

-or, alternatively, they don't know how hurtful they are being
 
-If I was acting out of character, it would likely be because I'm stressed out and not thinking clearly, so that must be what's going on with him/her.
 
-If I hurt someone I love, I would feel bad and want to make it better for them, apologize to them, so that's probably what she/he is feeling too!

And on and on. Then confusion reigns.

[Phoenix910]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the words of wisdom.

Just an update:

He ended up breaking up with me yesterday and of course I am hurting and healing but I am also relieved to be out of the relationship. He still inadvertently tries to blame me for the demise of the relationship which baffles me, but I know I can't let his words get to me. My body no longer feels as tense as it was and I know it'll get better. I have been crying but those are just the motions. I wouldn't mind us being friends, but idk. He "accidentally" called me twice this morning and when I called back he told me it was an accident and wanted to know how I was doing. I told him fine but as the convo progressed I got emotional smh. We said we missed each other (but of course I do not want to be in a relationship with him again). I feel deep down he's going to do a push and pull thing with me and I may have to really NC him. He told me he'll talk to me later, but I know I'm not dealing with the average joe here. I'm definitely observing all of this and trying my darnest not to reach out to him. I was tempted to reach out, but I texted my friend instead. I'm happy to be free, because hearing people's experience who are both in and out of relationships with pwBPD definitely gave me a reality check.

Not trying to dissuade anyone who is currently in one, but for me I don't think it was in my deck of cards to deal with this long term. Especially someone that's undiagnosed and will probably refuse to seek treatment. Just want to finally be over this. I'm still on edge a bit because I don't know what may be up his sleeve. I know he'll probably smear me since I was his first gf in his adulthood. Learning to be okay with that but it's hard being painted the villain and because people don't know the other side of him they'll most likely believe him and condone that behavior.

[ILMBPDC]

He ended up breaking up with me yesterday and of course I am hurting and healing but I am also relieved to be out of the relationship.

I think this says it all - listen to yourself - you are relieved. Keep that at the top of your head in the next weeks and months, becasue...
[/quote]He "accidentally" called me twice this morning and when I called back he told me it was an accident and wanted to know how I was doing. [/quote]
[/quote] I feel deep down he's going to do a push and pull thing with me and I may have to really NC him. [/quote]
^^^
Yeah, he's already doing it. I read a whole bunch of stuff yesterday on the push/pull fear of engulfment/fear of abandonment  issue that BPDs have and he is already doing it. Does want you but cant let go - he likely wants to make sure you are still on his string and as long as you answer he will feel he still "has" you.

The best thing my ex did was discard me and force no contact - he got all butt hurt because I said I was feeling used and he cut me off (full-grown 30 something man who can't have a conversation about feelings and literally cut. me . off. because I wanted to discuss them...SMH).  At the time it was devastating but in hindsight I would have never healed had I still been speaking to him and allowing him to keep me on his string. In your case, he's not going to do it so you have to.

[/quote] I was tempted to reach out, but I texted my friend instead. [/quote]
I'm proud of you for this. It hard but every step you make away from him is a step in the right direction.

[/quote] Just want to finally be over this. I'm still on edge a bit because I don't know what may be up his sleeve.[/quote]
I personally thing the best thing you can do is familiarize yourself with the mechanisms of BPD and how the push/pull works. How they reel you back in. Be very aware of it...but don't overthink it (I am majorly guilty of that!). I highly recommend blocking him so you don't have to worry about what he may do/say or "accidentally call" you. 

I know he'll probably smear me since I was his first gf in his adulthood. Learning to be okay with that but it's hard being painted the villain and because people don't know the other side of him they'll most likely believe him and condone that behavior.

I remember being worried about that early on - what is he going to say about me? Is he going to paint me as the villain? A crazy woman who can't leave him alone (as he portrayed the last woman he dated before me)?
A kind person on this forum gently pointed out -who cares if he does? I will never meet these people and its not worth beating myself up over it. There are 7.89 billion people in this world - if 20 think you are a crazy person, who cares? There are 7.89 billion(minus 20) more people who don't think that. Heck, if I think about it, there are at least that many people who had a negative opinion of me even before dating him and life still went on.

We are here for you if you need to vent or rant or just contemplate. This forum has been a lifesaver for me in so many ways.

[Phoenix910]

Thanks so much everyone. I’m definitely trying to be strong and know it’s for the best that we go on with our separate lives.

Here’s another update:

He called me the day after he broke up with me wanting to reminisce about all our good times and also to let me know he’s been thinking about me. He was also recounting the last time we were intimate and how in tune we were with each other. At that moment it sort of confirmed he may also have NPD. I wasn’t in a horrible mood because I was under the influence so I entertained the conversation. We spoke for about 45 mins - 1 hour. So it seemed like we were in a decent space with no bad blood towards each other. Of course im still processing everything including the breakup at the point, but it overall I was feeling okay. After we got off the phone that Friday night, he saw a picture I posted on my social media story. The picture I posted was from a few weeks ago when I went out with my home girl. I never posted it because I figured he might’ve felt a way that I was going out and looking dolled up (he’s “jokingly” expressed some sort of jealousy/possessiveness if I were to go out without him). But since I am newly single I figured there’s no need to considered his feelings towards me posting a selfie.

The next day I was in his neighborhood because I was attending a family members birthday party. So I made the sad mistake of texting him thinking we were still on “good” terms even after the breakup. A few hours past by where he texted me that he wanted to talk. Well once he called me a few times I called back to which he said something along the lines of: this situationship that we are in is not good and he’s established that he needs space away from toxic energy and we still keep communicating and blah blah blah. Basically he was drawing the line in the sand between us. How did he just flip like that? Idk. I’m assuming he probably was upset about me posting a pic and thought I went out right after we got off the phone that night.

Sigh. He’s still watching my social media. I don’t know how I feel right now. I’m angry but don’t know how to express it. I might be resentful but again I don’t know how to express that right now. I guess I’m just in the process of accepting it was all an illusion. Feeling confused that this happened to me. A small ounce wants to reach out demanding answers. He claims he isn’t dating anyone just focusing on himself. I keep snooping on his other social medias where we don’t follow each other/have each other as friends but now they are private. I know I need to save myself from myself and stop looking to further damage myself in the process. It’s just I feel…I guess abandoned ironically. But also bamboozled because I really didn’t see this coming especially from someone like him. He seemed so wholesome and introverted and a little nerdy it was cute. But that other side of him is hell to deal with. I know it’s for the best. I just have to get over this and sometimes missing him.

[ILMBPDC]

Well once he called me a few times I called back to which he said something along the lines of: this situationship that we are in is not good and he’s established that he needs space away from toxic energy and we still keep communicating and blah blah blah. Basically he was drawing the line in the sand between us. How did he just flip like that?

Sounds about right - that switching/black and white thinking is classic BPD

Sigh. He’s still watching my social media.

Block him - go full no contact. Especially since you already have said it best you go your separate ways, there is no point in lingering because he will  drag it on (he already is!).

I don’t know how I feel right now. I’m angry but don’t know how to express it. I might be resentful but again I don’t know how to express that right now. I guess I’m just in the process of accepting it was all an illusion. Feeling confused that this happened to me. A small ounce wants to reach out demanding answers.

This is all understandable and an aspect of healing. Its also important to note that it is highly unlikely you will get answers or closure. One of the first things I (and a lot of us) had to do was come to terms with the fact that I would never know what he is thinking or how he could so abruptly dump me. He won't give you answers; more likely you will end up with more questions.

I know I need to save myself from myself and stop looking to further damage myself in the process. It’s just I feel…I guess abandoned ironically. But also bamboozled because I really didn’t see this coming especially from someone like him. He seemed so wholesome and introverted and a little nerdy it was cute. But that other side of him is hell to deal with. I know it’s for the best. I just have to get over this and sometimes missing him.

Sounds like my ex. I never saw it coming and was thrown for a major loop. I kept having to remind myself why it wouldn't have ever worked, that the good parts of him do not outweigh the bad. At this point you just have to take care of yourself and for most of us, No Contact is the ultimate self care

[Couscous]

No Contact is the ultimate self care

^^^This x1000.

[jaded7]

He called me the day after he broke up with me wanting to reminisce about all our good times and also to let me know he’s been thinking about me.
...

The next day I was in his neighborhood because I was attending a family members birthday party. So I made the sad mistake of texting him thinking we were still on “good” terms even after the breakup. A few hours past by where he texted me that he wanted to talk. Well once he called me a few times I called back to which he said something along the lines of: this situationship that we are in is not good and he’s established that he needs space away from toxic energy and we still keep communicating and blah blah blah. Basically he was drawing the line in the sand between us. How did he just flip like that? Idk. I’m assuming he probably was upset about me posting a pic and thought I went out right after we got off the phone that night.

He called YOU, expressed feelings, etc after breaking up with YOU. The very next day, you believing him, still caring for him, contact him and now it's toxic and bad? And "we keep communicating" when he initiated the communication after breaking up with you? And in doing so expressed feelings and "thinking about you"? And now all this is bad, somehow?

This is precisely the confusion that just baffles us. It makes no sense. I'm sure you want to say "but you called me, you expressed feelings, you said you were thinking about me? So I called/texted you. How can that be bad and toxic FOR YOU?"

As I mentioned, I have spent now almost two years having these conversations with her in my head, trying to make sense of it all, trying to explain like above, trying to show that's not what I said, not what happened.

I'll admit I have a particularly bad case of this rumination, but these kinds of ruminations are very common in relationships with BPD people. I also have some OCD so that's not helping matters.

But you are experiencing what many of us have experienced, and we can all acknowledge the absolute bafflement at the behavior and the things that were said.