May be beginning NC with my BPD partner

[Phoenix910]

Sigh. Hi guys. I posted this on another forum, but idk if I have an ounce of hope rekindling with this man so I'm posting it here as well.

My boyfriend has put me in the devaluation process. I felt like a hamster constantly running on the wheel trying to make this work. In a few days it would be 3 months officially together and 5 months of dating/getting to know each other. I’m super hurt right now.

Yesterday I stopped by his house because he’s practically been ghosting me for weeks claiming he needs space and to catch his second wind. I think typically if you need space from your partner you still check in on them. Nope not him. He also may or may not know I snoop on his Twitter account (we don’t follow each other on it) but he retweets and likes awful and hurtful things and it just stings every time. He tries to act like some heartless player on Twitter. But a saint on Instagram (we follow each other on Instagram). Anyways things got steamy between us and when he was distracted I went through his phone (I know shame on me smh) and I see he went to brunch with some girl and that he also deleted my number. I ended up texting her from his phone while he was distracted and said “I have a gf” and deleted the text so he wouldn’t see it. I feel bad trust me I do. But it’s best she knows before being another victim and most importantly, we have not broken up even though he’s detach he seems to refuse to break up.

Before our intimacy moment and me checking his phone he actually opened up a bit and started crying because he said how wonderful I am and that he doesn’t want to lose me. We cried together and that was the first time I seen him cry or express himself in a way aside from raging at me.

Fast fwd that night I asked him if his heart was elsewhere. Keep in mind he doesn’t know I checked his text and saw he’s been out and about. He eventually and vaguely confessed it might be a possibility that his heart is elsewhere but it’s also with me.. So I essentially told him to explore that option since he’s not happy with me, since he complains about being with me every chance he gets, and since we are hardly communicating. He felt like I was playing a victim? And that he just cried to me and his heart is with me. I guess. He also felt like when he needed space I didn’t grant it to him so I told him if he’s needs space I’ll give it to him to which he felt I was twisting it or being malicious? Idk I’m confused but such is life with a BPD partner.

Honestly I’m hurt. Part of me feels relieve to leave this hell hole of a relationship. He’s drained me so much my body is physically aching from stress. My heart hurts. Another part feels like a huge part has been ripped from me. I wish he was the person I thought he was in the beginning. We haven’t officially broken up but I think it’s best to release myself and allow him to “free himself” the last thing I said to him last night was “you never cared” and I drove off. He didn’t like me saying that but oh well. I’ve been so loyal to him. I’ve tried you guys in fought so hard for this relationship and he gave up yet still wants me? Yet wants to date other people? Yet has trust issues and been hurt throughout his life? But I’m getting all of the projection. I get to feel like crap every time I’m with him. He tries his best to make me jealous and insecure every chance he gets. On social media he acts like he’s my biggest advocate. Smh. It sucks because I wish he was at his best, but it’s so damaging to continue this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Phoenix910]

Hi guys just an update. I did end up reaching out to my uBPD boyfriend yesterday. I wanted to ghost him so bad. But sounds like he had a bad day yesterday after our argument on Sunday. He said he took the day off and he’s been thinking about me all day. I spoke with his sister yesterday as well to gain more insight about him. It’s obvious the family doesn’t put too much thought that he may have a mental illness. But I listened to her advice on knowing how to communicate with him. She was very helpful, but the difference is: family members and friends have more flexibility in deciding to deal with their loved one with BPD. As a romantic partner, your interactions are closer together which puts you in the line of fire more frequently

[Phoenix910]

Delete

[Phoenix910]

Delete

[Phoenix910]

Why are my post being cut short?

[Phoenix910]

delete

[Phoenix910]

Delete

[Phoenix910]

Delete

[Phoenix910]

Hi guys just an update. I did end up reaching out to my uBPD boyfriend yesterday. I wanted to ghost him so bad. But sounds like he had a bad day yesterday after our argument on Sunday. He said he took the day off and he’s been thinking about me all day. I spoke with his sister yesterday as well to gain more insight about him. It’s obvious the family doesn’t put too much thought that he may have a mental illness. But I listened to her advice on knowing how to communicate with him. She was very helpful, but the difference is: family members and friends have more flexibility in deciding to deal with their loved one with BPD. As a romantic partner, your interactions are closer together which puts you in the line of fire more frequently. Well fast fwd the convo with my boyfriend went well but I told him that I’m not sharing him. He has gone to brunch with the “female friend” (I saw through his text) and I don’t approve. He says he going to get it under control. How do I give him an ultimatum because I don’t know how long it takes to get something like this under control. I know his heart is with me it’s just when he’s having an episode he’s very petty (going on Twitter and liking hurtful things and seeming like he wants attention/validation from other females) it’s very embarrassing. I really want him to go to DBT therapy. But idk how to pitch it yet. We’re still fresh into our relationship. I see some success stories where people say their partner no longer is considered someone with BPD and man is that a beautiful story. Idk if that’ll be my story, but I’d be lying if I said I didn't want it to be.

Oh we also established a boundary! We decided whenever we are both getting angry with one another, we will say “let’s have this conversation when we both cool down” rather than us both being at a 10. Little steps. Honestly I’m also worried he’s going to abuse this right and use it as an opportunity to avoid certain conversations. I hope he doesn’t but I wouldn’t put it past him.

[once removed]

it sounds like anxiety is driving a lot of your actions in this relationship. driving you to react in less than constructive ways.

being in a relationship with someone with bpd can be challenging on a good day. this strategy is likely to make it a great deal more challenging.

what do you think?

[Phoenix910]

it sounds like anxiety is driving a lot of your actions in this relationship. driving you to react in less than constructive ways.

being in a relationship with someone with bpd can be challenging on a good day. this strategy is likely to make it a great deal more challenging.

what do you think?

Hi once removed thanks for your response. Are you referring to the strategy of resuming the conversation after we both cool down. I'm def new in this BPD relationship and unfortunately I am guilty of taking the bait when he verbally attacks and talks down to me. I'm trying to be constructive and not allow things to "escalate" I know it's impossible to get it 100% correct with pwBPD. But trying to lessen the chances.

[once removed]

Are you referring to the strategy of resuming the conversation after we both cool down.

im referring to being highly reactive, coming from an anxious place.

when you feel like its probably best to give space, you push.

when you feel like its probably best not to snoop, you do it anyway.

youre posting on the detaching board for validation when youre ostensibly trying to improve the relationship.

the relationship, by and large, is tit for tat, and you are both operating from a place of fear and insecurity toward one another.

not judging. i did a lot of things im not proud of, and they were a large part of the undoing of my relationship.

its really vital in these relationships to operate on a few plains:

1. a clear head with clear goals

2. on the same team, on the same page, in terms of the values, the boundaries, and the rules of your relationship

3. in accordance with your own values and boundaries. if youre doing things you arent proud of, its time to reconsider the strategy, if not the relationship itself.

a member here recently said that in a bpd relationship, there is no room for two needy partners. even after all these years (my relationship ended over a decade ago) it hit me like a ton of bricks. youre dealing with a very needy person. if you want this relationship to work (not that you can necessarily do that by yourself) you have to operate from a position of strength, and as the emotional leader. the back and forths over who hurt who more, the push and pull, these thing will end your relationship in very short order.