Do BPD exes feel guilt?

[Depression = 72% of members]

If she sees me being sad and distances herself, is it guilt? What the hell is it?

Additionally, do they feel jealousy over anyone new that tries to pursue me?

[dirtrepublic]

If she sees me being sad and distances herself, is it guilt? What the hell is it?

Additionally, do they feel jealousy over anyone new that tries to pursue me?

[judee]

Hi dirtrepublic,
 
They do feel guilt and shame,  a lot... to my experience.
I have encountered 3 people with borderline ( diagnosed) : one female ( close friend ), two male.
they all had different personalties but same characteristics. I will try to point out what I saw:
- all three of them had the habit of talking down on themselves in a really harsh manner and/or hurting themselves.
no 1 selfharmed
no 2  I quote  : 'I am such a loser, I don't understand what you are doing with me' ( crying, out of the clear blue sky)
no 3  I quote: 'you must think I am disgusting , you must think I am a piece of sh#t. I don't want to live in this world anymore'
- they all had a turbulent love life and the habit of things falling apart as soon as it got ' serious'.
However, one told me he had a 'out of sight out of mind' mentality. While I know from my female BPD friend she could be in love with someone for years and feel the pain about a perceived rejection for a very long time, very intense. so there can be differences.
My current ex, I must say, I don't know. When we broke up he said I broke his heart. I love him with everything I am , still. and not even thinking about someone else, if ever. But I also feel heartbroken, because it is just such a sad situation to 'have' to step away from something that will only go downhill.
- They are all three very much capable of empathy.. BUT only if they are not in a 'funk' as I call it.
- I saw guilt and shame (mostly in an exaggerated self punishing way) mostly in the male BPD, the female landed more in de nostalgic/melacholic state after a love had gone lost, but stil very, very, self aware.

[ILMBPDC]

**Warning: I am not a therapist nor do I play one on TV**

TL;DR - it depends, no two are alike

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They do feel guilt, actually, and often shame surrounding how they act. Google "BPD Guilt" and you will find quite a few articles from therapists regarding this - and also some first-person perspectives from people with BPD. In a relationship with a pwBPD it can be hard to know what they are thinking. On the other hand, my daughter(23) also has BPD (treated, under control but not "gone") and she and I have a very close relationship. She was invaluable in helping me understand a lot of what goes on in the BPD mind when I was going through my breakup. And I have found that the first person accounts from pwBPD found online jive with what she is saying. One I found particularly concise was a post on Avalon Malibu called "8 Thoughts Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder Is Having" (I never know if I can post outside links here or I would).

Of course, not every person suffering from BPD is the same and a lot of them are suffering from co-occurring disorders. Remember there are 9 traits and you only need 5 of them to be considered BPD which gives 126 combinations of traits ( if you want to see the math, google "the value of 9 choose 5") - which means that you will see a very wide variety of how pwBPD act...and then add other conditions?  Yeah, no two are exactly alike.

Lets take my daughter - very well regulated (no meds, just DBT 6 or 7 years ago) but occasionally has emotional spirals. As I said, we are close, she knows she can come to me with anything and she does. Her last big spiral - I don't remember the trigger - but she was freaking out and recognized it. She sat with me and talked through it. I just held her hand and listened. It was really interesting - she told me how she was feeling and acknowledged her lashing out and how it made her feel guilty for hurting her loved ones which made her spiral further because then she felt worse about her self, which made her lash out which made her feel guiltier...

Now my ex, you could read it on his face if he did or said something that hurt someone - it made him feel bad/worthless as a human (he actually used those words when we were talking once). He was undiagnosed but he suspected he is BPD and told me that (I agree, he seems to have at least 7 of the traits). His BPD leans more toward impulsivity, lack of identity, and painting people black way too easily. Had I not had some very deep, emotional discussions with him I would never have known about the guilt and self-loathing he feels underneath his charming exterior. But, I will admit, he seems very, very self aware compared to a lot of people's exes on this forum.

My experiences with both of these people are nothing like some of the stories I read on this forum - I have read about violence and narcissistic manipulation and near-psychopathy/sociopathy here which is nothing like either of my experiences. Co-occurring conditions can definitely affect what the BPD is feeling/thinking IMO. A psychopath/sociopath/narcissist wouldn't care about anyone but themselves so likely wouldn't feel guilt or remorse.

As for jealousy of you dating - it depends. I've seen the gamut from stories on the board. Some are very much "out of sight out of mind". Others want you to keep pining for them even if they don't want you and a new date threatens that. Others want you on their string but don't care if you date (they maybe assume you'll drop your new person and get back with them at a moment's notice? idk). My daughter has told me stories of a pwBPD who was rather violent in the relationship and turned that toward the exes new gf (stalking/slashing tires, etc) - IMO that seems like a co-occurring condition and not BPD specific. It goes back to how no two are alike.

I don't know if this helps at all. Its just my experience and stuff I've gotten from extensive reading. Your experiences may have been completely different.  Either way I wish you luck.