Mother Got My Address

[Depression = 72% of members]

Ugh... Got a letter in the mail today, no return address but obviously my mom's handwriting. It was a card saying something like "Sorry, this reminded me of you. Happy Birthday. Love mom".

I've been NC a year and moved shortly after. I didn't share my address with anyone for six months. I gave it to my siblings eventually, saying please don't share this. I don't know if someone gave it to her, or she found out some other way.

What she wrote pisses me off too, like nothing is wrong. To me it's just "Haha I know where you live and don't give a s* what I said to you."

I have cameras up and am not outside much so I'm safe. If I can I want to get a Protection Order now, but I don't think her just sending a card is enough. My therapist suggested it last year and said it'd be easy with the texts she sent, but I declined. I'm seeing my therapist on Tuesday so we'll talk about this then. I don't know what it could actually do for me, I just want a paper trail if anything does happen.

I want to know if my sibling gave her my address (one I just talked to recently and I don't believe she would, but the other might have). But I also don't want to go around accusing. If she did share that, I'm going to have to seriously limit the information I give her.

I got a dog recently too, now I have to worry about leaving her alone in the house.

I've been so paranoid about keeping my address private, I'm just angry she knows it.

[Onyx22]

Ugh... Got a letter in the mail today, no return address but obviously my mom's handwriting. It was a card saying something like "Sorry, this reminded me of you. Happy Birthday. Love mom".

I've been NC a year and moved shortly after. I didn't share my address with anyone for six months. I gave it to my siblings eventually, saying please don't share this. I don't know if someone gave it to her, or she found out some other way.

What she wrote pisses me off too, like nothing is wrong. To me it's just "Haha I know where you live and don't give a s* what I said to you."

I have cameras up and am not outside much so I'm safe. If I can I want to get a Protection Order now, but I don't think her just sending a card is enough. My therapist suggested it last year and said it'd be easy with the texts she sent, but I declined. I'm seeing my therapist on Tuesday so we'll talk about this then. I don't know what it could actually do for me, I just want a paper trail if anything does happen.

I want to know if my sibling gave her my address (one I just talked to recently and I don't believe she would, but the other might have). But I also don't want to go around accusing. If she did share that, I'm going to have to seriously limit the information I give her.

I got a dog recently too, now I have to worry about leaving her alone in the house.

I've been so paranoid about keeping my address private, I'm just angry she knows it.

[kells76]

Hi again Onyx22;

I've been so paranoid about keeping my address private, I'm just angry she knows it.

Privacy is a big deal when there's someone with BPD around. It's really relatable, that sense of aaaallllmmmmmossttt paranoia, the intense privacy about personal life, the feeling of violation when information very close to you gets out somehow.

I went off of ALL social media when DH  I started dating (10+ years ago); even at that point, his kids' mom was starting to engage with me a LOT on Facebook, and while there was a lot I didn't know (I had no idea about BPD then), I knew it didn't feel safe.

My therapist suggested it last year and said it'd be easy with the texts she sent, but I declined. I'm seeing my therapist on Tuesday so we'll talk about this then.

Keep us posted on the feedback you get today.

I want to know if my sibling gave her my address (one I just talked to recently and I don't believe she would, but the other might have)

Want to do a trial run of any phrases, questions, conversations, etc, here? Remind me what this sibling is like -- would s/he engage with an "apologetic" statement from you? Something like: "I hate to even bring this up, because our relationship means so much, but I trust you, and I think you'll understand why I'm asking -- so Mom got my address somehow, she sent me a card, and I'm just struggling with feeling unsafe that she knows where I live. Do you have any ideas how she would've gotten it?"

I got a dog recently too, now I have to worry about leaving her alone in the house.

Tell us a little more about this -- is your concern that your mom would try to break in, and that would impact the dog? Or, something else?

Write back when you can;

kells76

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Onyx22,

kells76 shared some great thoughts. I didn't have the same issue with my uBPDm as you do, but I have had concerns about my ex since I bought a house a year ago. My D34 mentioned that her dad could go online to the county property tax site and type in my name and find my address. I kinda freaked about about that for a while. I looked into what I'd have to do to block the info, and it was very complex.

The issue for me (and I am sure for you), is that I finally felt safe when I moved and bought my place. That was so important to get away from the coercive control. When that letter arrived in your box, it took away that feeling of safety. I hate that you are going through this. It's good that you have protection in place such as the cameras, and I'm glad you have a T to help you through this.

I chose to not worry about my ex and if he would come by because I didn't want to step back into fear all over again and let him control me even from a distance. That may not be an option for you since I don't know your entire story. It sounds like your mom is much more of a concern.

 
Wools

[Couscous]

There have been times that I have fantasized about moving so that my family won’t know where I live, but then I realized that in this day and age it is extremely easy to find out someone’s address and phone number…so it’s very possible that your sister didn’t tell.

That being said, it sounds like you aren’t sure how trustworthy your siblings are. I know that mine have been unable to erase their programming that their loyalty must lie with my mother first and foremost, and so I have decided to err on the side of extreme caution and assume that any information I share with them will be passed on to my mother. I have learned that trust must be earned, which means they will need to prove that they are trustworthy before I am willing to trust them again.

[Teabunny]

What others have said about the property records search and other online ways to find someone's address are all true to my own experience, too, unfortunately.

It's important and OK to want to feel safe! There are reasons why we fear certain relatives. I wish my mom didn't have my address so I could feel even more safe than I do now in my own house. We're Low Contact; I don't feel the need to go No Contact. Mom hasn't visited me in over a decade, I think/hope I live too far for her to travel here. Yet I, too, am faced with thoughts like:

1) My pet wouldn't be safe around her. I've seen how violently she "punishes" pets and causes injuries. She wouldn't allow me to take a cat I rescued from our neighborhood in high school with me when I moved out. Years later, she said that cat coincidentally died at her house the same week as another cat I adopted in college who'd just died. She sent me a photo of the dead cat! Yet she's always treated pets as children, very emotionally attached, caring, and possessive of them. I wonder if she harmed my first cat because my second cat had died; probably not, but as some mentioned here, it makes us feel paranoid, right? The truth can be hard to know.

2) I recently received a (rare) package from mom full of Christmas presents...of an unusual sort. She went through her house and selected an array of items: broken objects, things from friends she no longer likes that have poems such as "Even though we're not blood relatives, we could be sisters!", pencils that sat in her drawer for over a decade (based on the logo imprinted). She sometimes allows me to have things that people gave me as a child or teen, and will send these items she selects but with strings attached. And some gifts are thoughtful - some cash or nicer things. A package from her makes me feel very confused and mixed up emotionally for these reasons, ESPECIALLY this month when she has been having one of her rare social media blitzes (usually never posts) which alternate between requests for prayers and pity, and photos of her house beautifully decorated for Christmas (absolutely packed with lights, garlands, statues, figurines covering every table etc...) while people comment "what a wonderful home full of love!" - which I am too afraid to visit, despite yearning to be able to do so and share such a festive tree with family. I've got lots of work to do on myself before that happens.

Her not having my address would be very nice for me too! I relate. Glad you have the cameras and are staying safe. I hope nothing bad comes from your mom knowing your address. Maybe it will all be OK. It sounds like you're in a good place with a plan to make sure of that. 

[Onyx22]

My bf (we live together) convinced me not to text my sisters, as it could come off as accusatory and to wait until I saw my therapist.
That time to think helped a lot. I realized that only one of my sisters could have shared it, but no good would come from confronting her. I decided to not talk to them about the card at all. This would prevent my mother from confirming my address (possibly add some doubt she has the correct one) and take away any satisfaction she could get from how I respond. She wants a response? Nope, nothing.
This plan got a bit messy because the sister that I don't think would share texted me on Monday telling me she heard our mom sent a card. She reaffirmed that she didn't share my address, and I believe her. I thanked her for telling me, and said I trust her. I told her I hadn't seen the card and asked her not to confirm my address if my mother had it. I decided to not share that I received it, and plan to not share with my family when I receive mail from our mother. This could change, but for now it takes back some of my power. My mother won't get any feedback when she sends things. I think it'd be too easy for my family to mention something, even to tell her to stop, which may be enough reaction to encourage her.
My therapist agreed after hearing my plan. She suggested asking my sister, but I said if she didn't do it then I'll sound accusing which could hurt our relationship. If she did, then she'll likely bring it up in conversation, where I can ask "Do you know how she might've got my address?" I believe she would admit to giving it to her. At that point I would say something like, "I trusted you with my address and giving it to mom was a breach of that trust. I'm going to have to limit what I share with you until we can rebuild that trust again. I still love you, this is just a boundary I need." I want to show her that I'm disappointed, not angry.
I'm going to bring my guard back up on info I share with my family as a precaution. I'm not sure what the holidays and them being in town soon will affect.

My mother is really bad with tech, but it's very possible she found my address through some resource. This would be the best outcome. I'm thinking of her finding my address as being inevitable.

The reason I worry about my dog is because my mother uses animals as threats. In our last conversation (over a year ago) she threatened to leave her dogs to die and told me I abandoned my late dog (my dog was living with her while I was in college and died around the time I graduated from a fast acting cancer). She loves animals and I don't think she would hurt her. It's just in my head that she might try to steal her.
I plan to not leave my dog alone for the next month, as holidays are more likely for things to happen.

In terms of a restraining order, my therapist said I could go to the courthouse and seek some advice there. The card was sent with no return address and signed as 'mom', so it itself can't do much. If she shows up or sends a toxic letter, I'll pursue that route. I have previous texts and letters to prove my case.

[beatricex]

hi Onyx22,
About the restraining order.  From my own experience with these (not with my BPD mom), you can also contact a lawyer and they can help you.  This is your best best, I think, because trying to get an Order of Protection against someone who hasn't actually physically threatened you, but is "harassing" you, is a bit harder than people think.


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