Once visited this site re my mother, back re my son’s gf

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello, all. Not sure which category this really fits in; my teen-aged son is dating a girl who has been diagnosed with BPD. (My late mother was undiagnosed but imo definitely BPD. My father and ex-husband both are diagnosed NPD.) There has been plenty of personality disorder surrounding me in my past, but fate has brought more.
My 19 year old son is dating a girl who has been diagnosed with BPD. I know this because my daughter told me - my daughter who used to be best friends with this girl. (My daughter is 2 years older than my son, 1 year older than the girl.) It was a friendship I wish had never started. My daughter went from being a good student to dropping out of high school, left behind her other friends because this girl was so “fun” (her parents had no rules or consequences at all for her regardless of what she did whether it was staying out all night, taking drugs or getting drunk, etc).
About a year and a half ago my son and this girl started seeing each other without mentioning it to anyone. When my daughter casually complained to her brother about her friend, he told the girl, who then broke her friendship with my daughter and insisted that my son should not talk to his own sister.. (My daughter and son had been close all their lives.)  This has been so stressful for my daughter and me. My son says he can’t be disloyal to his girlfriend and completely takes her side. His girlfriend has stoked any tiny resentments he had from childhood against his sister. She even has him convinced that when he was a child and I had him sit in a timeout for hitting his sister I was being unfair and vindictive.
He can’t see that a healthy relationship doesn’t require him to go blank on his sister or anyone for “loyalty.” My son is shy and has always had just a few close friends and his sister, but the friends are gone off to college and he isn’t speaking with his sister.. When he does see his friends, the gf is always there. He is very isolated.
My son and his girlfriend decided not to go to college this year  but are applying for next year. (Originally they were hoping to get an apartment together which would have meant my son working minimum wage and the gf being supported by her parents - thank goodness my son saw it wouldn’t be financially possible.) I have overheard her telling him where she thinks he should apply to college, which is normal but she is so directive and he is so accepting it bothers me. His applications will be  more competitive than hers and I worry whether he will choose where to go or just go where she gets into.. They’ve given each other rings, say they are soulmates. He has been saving for college but now says he needs a car to make it easier to see his gf. (The gf has a car that her parents gave her and lives 10 minutes away but apparently she feels a bit imposed on.) He wants to do whatever she tells him regardless of whether it makes any sense.
I would not propose to tell him who to date, but I am worried that he doesn’t understand that in a healthy relationship a SO tries to support, not direct. And I know of other BPD sufferers who may have done  things like purposely getting pregnant to lock down their boyfriends and lots of other things that I don’t want to see happen to my son. How can I help him?

[Corkster]

Hello, all. Not sure which category this really fits in; my teen-aged son is dating a girl who has been diagnosed with BPD. (My late mother was undiagnosed but imo definitely BPD. My father and ex-husband both are diagnosed NPD.) There has been plenty of personality disorder surrounding me in my past, but fate has brought more.
My 19 year old son is dating a girl who has been diagnosed with BPD. I know this because my daughter told me - my daughter who used to be best friends with this girl. (My daughter is 2 years older than my son, 1 year older than the girl.) It was a friendship I wish had never started. My daughter went from being a good student to dropping out of high school, left behind her other friends because this girl was so “fun” (her parents had no rules or consequences at all for her regardless of what she did whether it was staying out all night, taking drugs or getting drunk, etc).
About a year and a half ago my son and this girl started seeing each other without mentioning it to anyone. When my daughter casually complained to her brother about her friend, he told the girl, who then broke her friendship with my daughter and insisted that my son should not talk to his own sister.. (My daughter and son had been close all their lives.)  This has been so stressful for my daughter and me. My son says he can’t be disloyal to his girlfriend and completely takes her side. His girlfriend has stoked any tiny resentments he had from childhood against his sister. She even has him convinced that when he was a child and I had him sit in a timeout for hitting his sister I was being unfair and vindictive.
He can’t see that a healthy relationship doesn’t require him to go blank on his sister or anyone for “loyalty.” My son is shy and has always had just a few close friends and his sister, but the friends are gone off to college and he isn’t speaking with his sister.. When he does see his friends, the gf is always there. He is very isolated.
My son and his girlfriend decided not to go to college this year  but are applying for next year. (Originally they were hoping to get an apartment together which would have meant my son working minimum wage and the gf being supported by her parents - thank goodness my son saw it wouldn’t be financially possible.) I have overheard her telling him where she thinks he should apply to college, which is normal but she is so directive and he is so accepting it bothers me. His applications will be  more competitive than hers and I worry whether he will choose where to go or just go where she gets into.. They’ve given each other rings, say they are soulmates. He has been saving for college but now says he needs a car to make it easier to see his gf. (The gf has a car that her parents gave her and lives 10 minutes away but apparently she feels a bit imposed on.) He wants to do whatever she tells him regardless of whether it makes any sense.
I would not propose to tell him who to date, but I am worried that he doesn’t understand that in a healthy relationship a SO tries to support, not direct. And I know of other BPD sufferers who may have done  things like purposely getting pregnant to lock down their boyfriends and lots of other things that I don’t want to see happen to my son. How can I help him?

[beatricex]

Hi Corkster,

...a healthy relationship doesn’t require him to go blank on his sister or anyone for “loyalty.”

Well said.

Unfortunately, if your son is intent on this relationship, anything you do or say may just fuel his desire to have it.  Does reverse psychology work with your kid?  Our oldest (my step daughter) likes to date "bad boys."  My husband and I finally realized that the less we get involved and the less he says negative things about the boys (can't say men, cause they don't act like men despite one of them being almost my age!) the better off we are, and she seems to move on and come to the right conclusion all on her own - she's better off without the trouble makers.

My husband and I had to make a pact, however: 1) neither of us gives her money (one of the guys she was dating was doing drugs, he took her to strip clubs...etc  We believe the money was just going to drugs, so of course, no more handouts).  2) We don't badmouth but we also don't "seem interested" in these guys, we don't invite them as a couple to our house...we started just picking up our grandkids (she has 2 boys) from her apartment, without inviting her to hang out.  We don't want to give positive reinforcement to the lifestyle she is choosing, in other words.  We are not going to pretend we're OK with the lifestyle (drinking, drugs, she is a mother afterall).  It's nice not having to hear the "crazy stories"...  3)  We don't pretend her decisions are normal when they're not.  Like, she dropped out of college.  I hate this, and she knows it, I'm not mincing words anymore to keep the peace.  She's a smart girl, was getting straight A's and needs to finish in order to make a decent life for herself.  She CAN do it, so what's the problem?  My parents emphasized college for me and my siblings, it's who I am and what I value, we agreed let's do the same.

This was all very difficult for me because I'm not her bio mom and I wanted her to like me.  But, that's not what parenting is, I'm realizing.  That's called friendship.  We can be friends later, when she gets her s**t together and is no longer in crisis mode, where we keep bailing her out (when I say bailing her out, I mean it literally, like we have bailed her out of jail even.  We got her car out of impound.  We co-signed on her apartment.  All of that is in the past now, we are not enabling anymore).

good luck
b 

[beatricex]

hi again Corkster,
You may want to try posting this over on the Child With part of the board, this is the Parent/Sibling With side.  You will likely get more responses over there.  Usually a moderator moves them, but I noticed yours wasn't.

b