Wife left 4 months ago and constantly threatening divorce (3 young kids)

[Aventador]

Hi,

My wife of 12 years is undiagnosed BDP, I was informed by a counsellor that she sounds like she has BDP. She left 4  months ago with my kids to live separately. Our relationship turned ugly and she became indifferent, we started to resent each other - for months she was telling people behind my back (e.g. SILs) that she was going to get a 'F*ck off Fund' together and leave me. I didn't take it as seriously as I should have but perhaps that's because she had threatened divorce HUNDREDS of times in the past (when we would have a big fight). for nearly four months she treated me like a complete stranger. one day she compared me to her ex-boyfriend from 12 years ago and said 'i should have stayed with XXXX, he would have made me happier'. the final straw was when she saw flirty messages with a colleague in my phone. (she knows i didn't have an affair).

typically in a big fight, over the years, i would hear the following: -

'i should never have married you'
'you FORCED me into this marriage'
'give me a divorce!'/'i'm gonna leaving you it's only a matter of time'

She displays a lot of the characteristics of BPD. I ignored a lot of the red flags when we first met at University (she was 19 and I was 23). She was abandoned by her father (who she extremely close to) when she was 10 - he walked out on the family and married another woman behind her mum's back. 1st wife eventually let him back into her life. Her parents always fought. Her dad once got his brother to beat my wife up when she was in her teens 'because she wanted to get a job'. She ran away from home to escape the the drama and ended up in Birmingham where we met. She has a poor history of relationships/friendships. She has a history of self-harm (cutting her arms) and soon after we met she made 2 suicide attempts (more like cries for help/attention seeking). In the early days if we fought she would run away and disappears for hours with her phone switched off which would only serve to worsen my anxiety. At one point i didn't let her leave the apartment out of fear she would harm herself so she quickly ran to the balcony to climb over the edge - i ran over to pull her back over - i still suffer flashbacks to this day.

I have been the giver in this relationship with poor boundaries - i would give, give and give, especially financially and physically - i neglected my health, sleep and social life. i always gave her the nicer phone or car (she drove a 40k audi and i drove a 3k honda), paid off her debts etc thinking i was doing the best thing, not realising i was losing my self respect. i developed diabetes and my sleep apnoea worsened as the marriage progressed. i stupidly gave her full access to the credit cards/main bank account. i worked long hours and i was hands on with the kids as much as i could have been. i just wanted her reciprocate with being attentive and intimate. i perhaps became boring/stale over time. we both put on huge amounts of weight - we were, however, very comfortable with each other.

One thing that would really piss me off about her is that she was especially harsh/nasty when telling off our eldest daughter (she is 7). when she was 4/5 she would force her to swallow her food and if she didn't then she would throw her toys in the trash - whilst tears would be rolling down her cheeks or she would grab her by the arm and march her upstairs to her room and close the door on her in the dark. it seemed she was jealous of my relationship/closeness with her, mockingly telling me that she is my 'golden child'.

i can look back and see where it all went wrong - i can see how the circumstances didn't help e.g. debt, living with my parents, 3 children in quick succession, my health troubles etc. I am engaging in psychotherapy and hypnotherapy. i have asked her to give me time to make solid changes and i have promised to do ANYTHING to keep the family together e.g. move jobs, relocate etc etc but she remains obstinate. i know that i used to nag her and complain a lot.

I give in to her demands/manipulation. She generally displays, at times, a lot of anger and rage, she will kick off over a the smallest complaint/criticism and by the then fight has escalated and it will take time for her to calm down. She could ignore me for days. if we had a fight she could turn over and fall asleep whereas i would try and make up quickly. She has been verbally abusive many times and typically will hang up on me on the phone, avoids face to face confrontation and would rather send me a flurry of long WhatsApp messages even if I'm driving or at work. One fight and 'the whole day is ruined' was SUCH a commonly used phrase. I have to be the one to make up/apologise - she never does apologise. Generally she seems very immature, at least emotionally. The worse thing is her family/friends won't see this side of her - it only emerges in her intimate relationships.

I like to think I have insight (she lacks it along with empathy and appreciation/gratitude). I come with my own issues (neediness, food and sex addiction, anxiety etc). We have clashed big time but we don't always fight. We could both argue that we both walk on eggshells but her rage/anger makes things ten times worse IMO. There are also other issues like financial debt (she is TERRIBLE with money and will spend spend spend and hoard a lot of useless/unused stuff - she once said 'spending is my therapy' - she didn't like me complaining about her over-spending and never wanted to sit and budget with me). I mostly worked whilst she would stay at home with the kids but she had help from my mother and i even paid for a cleaner/ironing. We live with my parents in a shared home which isn't ideal but brought along with it convenience and advantages.

We have three beautiful and young children (7, 4 and 2), one of whom is blind in one eye and autistic. My general complaints with her as follows: -

- she generalises a lot e.g. 'you never do this and you never do that...'
- she denies/withholds sex - she has said before 'you could do it everyday if you wanted to... i am not going to be the one to satisfy you, accept it...'
- she kicks off easily and displays anger/rage e.g. kicking shouting swearing etc
- never apologises
- classic splitting behaviour - i am completely responsible for the breakdown of the marriage 'i am leaving with a clear conscience, i tried my hardest - you didn't!'
- does not and never did want to try marriage counselling
- always avoided deep conversations or serious, calm conversations about marriage
- ultra defensive, rude, challenging, manipulative - threatened to leave town unless i put the kids into private school. threatened this again when i refused to take the kids to school in the mornings on certain days so that i can look after my health and fitness (after the split)
- she has broken off her friendships many times in the past and very abruptly
- she is overly impulsive and always turns up late or makes changes to her plans last minute
- she NEVER accomplished tasks/commits to anything that she has set out
- always did things for me begrudgingly and never with enthusiasm/passion
- always complained about this or that aching, just always so miserable and negative. she was so draining. always hard work. nothing seemed to make her happy

in the months before she left her behaviour became worse when she befriended my tenant - a divorced student 10 years younger than her who likes to get drunk and sleep with married men for money. they became close very quickly - wife would lie to me and say she was spending extra time at work or in town but she was spending it with her (she forgot to remove parking tickets from the car). she started to fight with me over her, defend her, show her my text messages and slag me off to her. i was warned by my wife's other friend that my wife wanted to leave and was likely going to leave with said tenant - they both left on the same day! My wife ran into her and her family's arms in a neighbouring town for a few days after she left. it's like she has ditched my family for this other girl's family. she has turned her back on my family COMPLETELY calling us backward, accusing us of enslaving her and controlling her etc. All lies/exaggerations and very hurtful. I don't recognise the woman looking back at me. She has thrown herself into full-time work and seems like she wants no time with the kids. she say she feels liberated. she looks forward to her weekends without the kids. she says she regretted having more kids with me.

since she left she has said things like...

'you and your family ruined my life'
'you repulse me'
'i never found you physically attractive'
'the thought of lying next to you in bed makes me want to vomit'
'twisted mother*ucker'
'you ruined my life'
'you sexually abused me because i had to force myself to have sex with you'
'you self entitled pri*k' etc

within days of leaving she moved into a rented home - she went to view the properties with her new girlfriend (my ex-tenant). she maintains that there is no lesbian affair - i can assume it's an emotional affair at the least but i don't know for sure. she keeps saying things like 'i never want a man in my life ever again... or a woman for that matter'. i stupidly did all the wrongs things, e.g. took all the blame, apologised, cried, begged, made myself completely available etc.

every time I would bring up our relationship she keeps threatening/asking for a divorce. it's wearing me down. I am suffering the loss of my wife and the family of 5 unit. I'm totally and utterly devastated. she walked away and there was nothing, no obvious heartbreak, no conversation. she's dead behind the eyes and will only get emotional if i bring up the relationship. she says she doesn't love me and that I'm just the father of her kids. she is throwing around phrases like toxic and emotional/sexual abuse yet to this day she will happily walk into my house and sit and have dinner with me and my parents. I am holding onto hope and wish she was calling my bluff but it seems her new life with whatever it is that is pulling her away is where she will remain. I still love her and care for her deeply.

[Turkish]

She left with the kids. There's no custody order. Do you see the kids? Where do you want to go from here? Her accusations sound very hurtful (to say the least).

[grumpydonut]

Everything she says about you is likely insight for you into how she feels about herself.

That said, you've come to the end of her cycle. It only gets worse from here. You've gone from one-time saviour to an imagined persecutor.

Her maladaptive defences and lack of grasp on reality has taken over. You can't fix that.

[RedWings4Lyfe]

As best you can, focus on the relationship you have with the kids. She is complicated, but you can't fix her. Its more important you save your emotional reserves for your kids.
She needs treatment, but it sounds unlikely she'll get it.
 You probably already know this. 
Outside of that, what can you do to deal with some of those issues? I think addressing those will help address the wounds this opened.

[Aventador]

Thanks for the replies. The situation seems hopeless. I pray that God will soften her heart. It's like she has completely forgotten/doesn't care about all the love, good times, support and happiness. She's turning back to her large extended family as if she cared about them in the first place. She's telling everyone that I isolated her from her friends and family. Using words like 'shackled' and 'enslaved'. This is utterly heartbreaking #

Don't know what level to keep contact with her. She is incredibly moody with me these days and is moaning over everything despite my help. I feel like she has punished me enough by leaving me but she is carrying on being cold and distant.