Need help with boundaries

[Nopuppets]

The holidays always brings on lots of FOG from my uBPD mother.  Now she has engaged my father into also trying to fog me.  I’m so tired of being made out to be the bad guy.  The majority of our past holidays have included my parents.  This year due to unforeseen circumstances with my in-laws, we will be staying at home with my husband’s family.  What I want to tell my parents is to grow up and that I’m not responsible for their happiness.  I know that would only further escalate the volcano so to speak.  Has anyone had any luck with emailing versus calling?  I don’t want to do this over the phone.  There is a part of me that is still afraid of my mother and I don’t wish to go through that.  I’m so sick of this.  This forum is a lifesaver, a true lifesaver! Hugs to all!

[Methuen]

Could you email a brief fact based message? Just the facts…no emotions, no apologies or excuses…just the facts, and use BIFF?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Nopuppets, 

You're dealing with something so common, especially this time of the year. Sometimes I still have issues in finding feelings that were part of my life long ago (my parents are both passed away now) cropping up around the holidays. It's no fun in dealing with a pwBPD and the obligations to do what they have always expected.

Have you read anything about the Karpman drama triangle? What you're experiencing is normal, with you being perceived as the persecuter, your mom the victim and dad the rescuer. Can you see the dynamics playing out? You don't have to get on the triangle and interact with them, so what types of responses can you think of that would allow you to not engage and still keep you safe emotionally?

 
Wools

[Nopuppets]

Thank you Metheun and Wools!  I have tried to use BIFF and SET before.  Yes, these techniques work fairly well when I can send something written.  My main issue seems to be my parents insist on talking by telephone.  So, I try to have talking points.  However, it seems harder to stick to these techniques when they either explode or try and drag me into the Karpman drama triangle.  I agree, it is a complete triangle as it definitely requires 3 people to keep it going. They are aging and I feel like using their ailments to their advantage.  I have told my father how my mother makes me feel, I suppose he is just used to enabling her so she will stay off of his back?  Many thanks to both of you.  I feel like I need a few good one liner responses on what to say to her in particular when she starts to explode on the phone or in person.  Any advice there on what has worked well? 

[Couscous]

They insist on talking by phone because they have more power over you when they do.

What has worked for me is blocking people on my phone while also letting them know that email is the best way to reach me. Then I am not tempted to answer their phone calls, or reply to their text messages with the predictable result of getting drawn into drama.

[Methuen]

They insist on talking by phone because they have more power over you when they do.

I second this.  

Do you have call display?  Don’t answer the phone.  They can leave a message (which H can filter for you if need be) and you can just send BIFF emails.  Use the broken record technique on the BIFF emails if necessary.

I feel like I need a few good one liner responses on what to say to her in particular when she starts to explode on the phone or in person.

You: “Mom, if you insist on talking about ____, I will have to leave (or say goodbye).”
Mom: talks about ___
You: “I have to go now”, and then make a hasty exit.

One time a few years ago when my mom still had strong mental capacity and had energy, she was pushing my boundaries.  I stated my boundary.  When she busted my boundary and started raging, I had known it was coming and already positioned myself near the front door.  I picked up my shoes and walked out the door in my socks, closing the door behind me.  As I bent down outside the door to put my shoes on, I could hear her yelling on the other side of it.  I got in my car and went home.  I can’t recall how long I stayed NC after that, but I gave her plenty of time to self soothe.  

Another time she was dysregulating and raging, I was living in a continuous state of terror because she used to show up at the  house at any time.  I was not going to be her doormat, and listen to that.  And I was scared.   So I had an actual escape plan from my own house.  I used it too.  

As for using her health problems to rope you in, I get this too .  My mom is 85 now,  and has enough legit health problems to fill a couple of pages of paper in bullet format.    And she  refuses assisted living.  I can’t deal with all that.  So I’ve picked and chosen what I can do for her, and I let her find her own ways to have her other needs met.  Getting to that has been a process for me, bcause I used to be brainwashed to feel responsible for solving all her problems, and feeling her feelings for her.  I can’t do that.  Nobody can do that.  You don’t have to either.

As for one liners I use ALL the time:

- Have you told  your doctor?
- I’m not a doctor.  Have you told your doctor?
- what does your doctor say?
- what do you think you should do?
- what are you  going to do about that?
- what would the nurse in you say? (She was a nurse, but never practiced much.  Although to hear her talk you would think she had quite  the distinguished career)
- what do your friends say?

[Nopuppets]

These are all very helpful!  Couscous, I would love to be able to block calls.  My problem with that is my father will ask me to call her to make her feel better.  Now, we both know that’s not ok.  I’m close to my father and don’t want to lose my relationship with him.  My mother doesn’t treat him well.  At the same time he allows this to happen and knows how I feel.  I doubt he will ever stand up to her.
Methuen,  your one liners are very helpful.  Mother seems to always be coming up with a new ailment or concern for herself or my father.  I’m an only child so she also has a few flying monkeys with other family members.  Fortunately I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t care what they think of me.  What is most important is that my children, who are still at home, are not victims of this circus.  Thank you all for listening and for your help!  I’m truly grateful

[Nopuppets]

Methuen, I also wanted to add that I’m sorry to hear of your situation with your mother.  It sounds exhausting.  I have also felt brainwashed for most of my life.  Kudos to you for standing up for yourself and practicing boundaries and self care!  I know that isn’t easy.  That’s very inspirational and thank you for putting yourself out there and sharing 

[adoptivemama]

Could you email a brief fact based message? Just the facts…no emotions, no apologies or excuses…just the facts, and use BIFF?

What is BIFF?