Navigating end of life obligations

[kiwigal]

My father in law health is declining. Hubby and I have on okay relationship with him. For the rest of my in laws however, my MIL included, it’s unpleasant and disrespectful. I am NC with one SIL. The rest I’m grey rock. We’ve been very estranged from the family as hubby and I have sought to look after our marriage.
Back to my FIL: I want to have time with him (as does hubby) but we both feel like we are about to get guilted into doing family gatherings for “the last time”. My experience is that these are full of triangulation and I’ve yet to see one event go down without feeling isolated and coming away distressed. I don’t want to do it but there’s also cousins and kids involved and that’s hard.
How have others navigated this stuff?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi kiwigal,

I'm sure you'll get some good thoughts from others here who have dealt with some of these issues. I can say that before my parents passed (my mom was uBPD), I asked myself what I needed to do in order to not have regret after they passed. In other words, was it important that I see them a last time, to talk with them, to be with them? Sometimes that need to spend time with them can be via phone calls, individual visits, or small gatherings.

Base the decision on what you and your DH need for eventual closure, not on the group or cousins or anyone else. That would be my encouragement to you. No obligations, just freedom to choose.

 
Wools

[kiwigal]

Thank you so much, that is hugely helpful.
Ownership and living inside of our values.
I guess too, radical acceptance of the character assassination that we know will come as we forge our own path to freedom.
Thank you.

[zachira]

Yes, I have navigated this stuff. Keep working on the boundaries that will protect you the most. I am finally at the point, where I do not go  to family gathering and see individually the family members I want to be involved with.

[kiwigal]

Yes, I have navigated this stuff. Keep working on the boundaries that will protect you the most. I am finally at the point, where I do not go to family gathering and see individually the family members I want to be involved with.

This feels so validating. In the past, my MIL has done things like "can you give me a couple of dates when we can all get together" etc... situations where it's hard to use the usual minimal excuses etc. I am wondering if you ever have to get to a point where you just had to state clearly "I won't be doing it"?

[zachira]

I would only give information to people you can trust to respond appropriately. This summer I told some of my most trusted family members I was thinking of going permanent no contact with all of the family. This was in response to their insistence on being neutral, while obviously interpreting my sister's attempt to get them on her side as the same thing I was trying to do. I have made it clear to them that I will no longer put up with the family abusing certain members. One of them has finally admitted that his aunt abused her son and he is guilty of putting her on a pedestal like the rest of the family. It really helped to be honest with them, as they have bent over backwards being kind to me while no longer inviting me to family gatherings in which my abusers will be present. I made it clear to them I am fine with not being invited to family gatherings like weddings, because I fully understand that the wedding is about the people getting married and I fear some of my abusers choosing to make things uncomfortable for others because I am there. I was not invited to the family Thanksgiving despite being in the area for the first time in many years, and the two families hosting Thanksgiving each had one of my siblings there, and it would have been a very tense environment if I had showed up because of how my siblings act in my presence. I feel that telling trusted family members I was seriously considering leaving the family, do not expect them to feel they way I do because they have not witnessed some of the behaviors I have while insisting on discussing with them how I and others have been abused has opened the door for some of the more abusive behaviors of the entire family to no longer be as enabled as much by some of the flying monkeys. The trusted family members I have shared my feelings with have bent over backwards to be kind to me and made it clear they would like to continue to have me in their lives.
The key here is to really understand about the different kinds of flying monkeys. There are flying monkeys who enjoy enabling the abuse. There are other flying monkeys who believe that both people are at fault when there is a dispute going on, though some of them can become capable of learning about personality disorders and the behaviors with experience and education.

[Couscous]

This is a tough one for sure. Under these circumstances I think that an argument could be made in favor of possibly attending one event, especially if it really is going to be for the last time, and if there are non-toxic relatives there that you would like to see. But you would need to do a bit of advance preparation, and for that I highly recommend the book, Children of the Self-absorbed. It has some really great strategies on how to protect yourself during interactions with toxic parents that could easily be used with other relatives.