Getting Back on the Horse

[zachira]

My mother had BPD and she did everything to make sure that my siblings and I would never have the chance of being independent of her while she was living and after her death. She never gave any of her children credit for being self supporting and went out of her way to prevent her children from getting married. I have won my first legal battle with my NPD sister though I am now faced with a stack of paper work and accounting to do. I would appreciate any suggestions on how to stop procrastinating and get the paper work done. Maybe I need to report to you guys every day on what I have gotten done or when I have gotten nothing done. Would that be okay? Most days my self esteem is better than it has ever been. I am so exhausted from the never ending abuse from my siblings and their flying monkeys; there are some more legal battles ahead of me so I can be free of any legal and financial obligations to my siblings. My goal is to have all the legal problems settled so that 2022 will be the last year we ever have to file taxes together. My legal bills are astronomical and I have limited financial resources. My siblings are wealthier than I am, and I am terrified that I will never be off their radar. For several weeks, I was getting threatening phone calls from someone my sister apparently hired. The calls have stopped as she no longer has my phone number. I think there is no limit as to what certain family members and their flying monkeys will do to me to get revenge for my standing up for myself. Some days I wish I could disappear without a trace by moving to another country where nobody could find me, which is no longer possible with the technology we have today.
My goal is to be financially and legally free of all my entanglements with my siblings by the end of 2022. Thank you for reading this and responding if you would like to do so. It helps me to just get this off my chest. I am working hard to stay positive with my friends who have been extremely generous in listening to my problems. It is now time to stop overwhelming my friends with my latest problems and to stop turning them into my therapist. I also would like to not be taking up so much space on PSI, and to be contributing more than receiving help. I have a lot of work to do on regulating my emotions. I was left in the crib all day as a baby, and am working on learning the most basic of emotional regulations skills. Everyone has problems, and mature people know how to not let their problems overwhelm them and keep moving forward so that procrastination does not turn into more regrets.

[beatricex]

hi zachira,
Please do post your progress reports here.  Also, you know it's a sign of strength to ask for help.   

What is the first paperwork hurdle to overcome?

b

[zachira]

Beatricex,
Thank you for taking time to reply and for reminding me that asking for help is a sign of strength (and not a weakness). I have owned a property with my sibling for many years which has just been sold; there are many incidences of stolen money (most of which I will not be able to recover), attempted tax fraud, etc., I have been away from home for several weeks and have several years of records to review, paying bills, accounting chores, documenting transgressions of my sibling in case I need them for future legal battles, (hopefully not). My first tasks have to do with accounting for all the money. Thank you for asking what I need to do first. I tend to get overwhelmed with all I have to do and then do absolutely nothing or very little.  I called my best friend today and she agreed to let me call her 5 times a week to report on my progress. I told her I would keep the reports to just a few minutes and she did not have to call me back if I left a voice mail. I realize that there is tremendous sorrow on my part about being so badly treated by my sibling and the flying monkeys, the people who enable the abuse of me. I have emails, letters to read that I need to decide what to do with that accuse me of being the worst person imaginable. It is painful, and I do not want to prolong the pain with more procrastination. Your reply is very helpful and I will try to post here giving myself credit when I am getting the work done, and being transparent when I am just plain stuck in sorrow.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi zachira,

Are the difficult letters you need to read something a friend/co-worker (trustworthy)/someone else can help with or is it something you need to be able to do by yourself? I don't know the legalities or specifics of your situation, but I was thinking about you, and thought if it's an option, it would be nice to have someone screen them.
 
When my D33 was in elementary school and struggled greatly with procrastination, I set up a very short term reward system for her. I set the timer for 5 or 10 minutes, and if she got a math problem done, I put a nickel in the jar in front of her. It worked very well for her, and she saved up and bought something she wanted pretty quickly. Sometimes it needed to be a quarter in the jar and not a nickel, or the time a bit longer; basically I adjusted it according to what prompted her the most.  She also found that a daily/weekly planner worked really well to keep her on task for each day.

The point of this is to ask what motivates you? What type of short term and also more long term reward sounds appealing to you? Is it to get x done and then go get a coffee? Or take a walk? They need to be achieveable goals, not long term otherwise you'll burn out. Also, only do small chunks at a time because you are so tired you need to recoup at the same time that you're expending energy. It's a tightrope to balance on.

 
Wools

[zachira]

Wools,
Some great suggestions. I do need to read the letters myself to see what I should save for present and later documentation. My challenge is to break it all down into reasonable goals while allowing myself some time for rewards and pleasure. I tend to catastrophize. I just so want the legal and financial problems with my siblings to be over and they won't be for awhile or possibly never. I admire how you were so patient in taking the time you needed to get out of your marriage. One of my therapists once told me to think in terms of progress not perfection. I do believe some of the harsh judgments of my family and their flying monkeys are keeping me stuck. I try to keep reminding myself that so many people I know treat me with compassion and see me as a person worthy of respect and kindness. Thank you for taking the time to reply and help me move along in the journey of healing.

[zachira]

"The Narcissistic Conspiracy: Scapegoating, Smear Campaigns And Black Sheep – How Narcissistic Groups Bully Their Chosen Victims"

Great article recommended by Couscous. I realize that I am stuck in a cycle of feeling the blame that has been dumped on me by my sister and her flying monkeys over having the audacity to stand up to the family, refusing to play the role of scapegoat and exposing the abuse of me and other family members to those I know who are capable of hearing what I have to say. At one point, all the relatives were angry with me. I have turned a corner with the innocent flying monkeys, who are now treating me with new found respect. I have this article pinned to the top of my list of favorites. I need to keep reminding myself that I was chosen as a scapegoat because of the strengths I have that the bullies lack. I am the first person in 6 generations that I know of to really let the family know that I will no longer be tolerating their abuse of anybody including me. I think I can now get to work on the painful tasks ahead of me as I continue to end the legal and financial entanglements with my NPD sister and BPD brother by reminding myself of my strengths and continue to work on letting the bullies take ownership of their feelings. My New Years Resolution: I am going to continue to work on owning the feelings that are mine and disowning the feelings that never belonged to me to begin with.

[SinisterComplex]

"The Narcissistic Conspiracy: Scapegoating, Smear Campaigns And Black Sheep – How Narcissistic Groups Bully Their Chosen Victims"

Great article recommended by Couscous. I realize that I am stuck in a cycle of feeling the blame that has been dumped on me by my sister and her flying monkeys over having the audacity to stand up to the family, refusing to play the role of scapegoat and exposing the abuse of me and other family members to those I know who are capable of hearing what I have to say. At one point, all the relatives were angry with me. I have turned a corner with the innocent flying monkeys, who are now treating me with new found respect. I have this article pinned to the top of my list of favorites. I need to keep reminding myself that I was chosen as a scapegoat because of the strengths I have that the bullies lack. I am the first person in 6 generations that I know of to really let the family know that I will no longer be tolerating their abuse of anybody including me. I think I can now get to work on the painful tasks ahead of me as I continue to end the legal and financial entanglements with my NPD sister and BPD brother by reminding myself of my strengths and continue to work on letting the bullies take ownership of their feelings. My New Years Resolution: I am going to continue to work on owning the feelings that are mine and disowning the feelings that never belonged to me to begin with.

"My New Years Resolution: I am going to continue to work on owning the feelings that are mine and disowning the feelings that never belonged to me to begin with." - This is power. This is strength. Keep yourself headed in this direction and you will bring along more positive opportunities for you in your path.

BTW...I would definitely urge you to certainly post here with progress reports. You need an outlet. You need to feel supported and I think this would be very constructive and conducive to your overall growth.

You are only responsible for yourself. Be kind to you and just continue to strive to do better for yourself.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey zachira!

I am the first person in 6 generations that I know of to really let the family know that I will no longer be tolerating their abuse of anybody including me.

You know, this is huge. To confront the chains that have bound you, to do what is right no matter what, that takes such tenacity and inner strength, even though I know you feel weak. You aren't; you're brave.

I admire how you were so patient in taking the time you needed to get out of your marriage. One of my therapists once told me to think in terms of progress not perfection.

Thank you for this and for sharing it with me. Sometimes I felt so trapped, as if I would never get free, but I did, and I am walking in so much more freedom these days. We all need to hear words of encouragement to bring fresh sunshine to our souls. Thank you.

Keep going!
 
Wools

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi !

I just wanted to give you an internet hug and to let you know that there are people on the other side of the "views count" of your post, whose heart goes out to you.  I will check back to see if you are doing your chores !

One BPD mother was intense enough, I can't imagine having to deal with a group of narcissistic siblings. Doing what you are doing, you are incredibly strong and I believe the cycles can be broken.

Personnally, when I feel overwhelm, I like to do alternating breathing through nostrils. It helps me feel more balanced and relieve some of the stress.

Sending you hugs again.

[madeline7]

Zachira
Wishing you a happy new year, and we are here for you no matter if you are giving or receiving. In my experience, even when you are seeking support from us here, you are still a giver. Sometimes it seems counter intuitive that even though we were raised by a Mom with BPD that we somehow turned out caring and empathetic. Maybe a bit hyper vigilant and anxious as is in my case, but a genuinely caring person which I find you to be!

[zachira]

As always, I appreciate all your responses. I haven't been able to reply as I was feeling bad about not getting things done. It seems I needed a period to grieve all the abuse I have endured, particularly the last few months. and the endless deception from so many people, including the flying monkeys. The last few days I have been feeling happier and lighter, indulging in things I enjoy. I am still not getting much done. There is a lot of stuff that needs to get taken care of both financial and legal that I would rather not look at, though I will have to soon. I feel like I really made the right decision to face my abusers and stand up to them. I felt like I could not ever be happy if I didn't take steps to end the abuse. I still have a long ways to go though there is light at the end of the tunnel hopefully as I have an attorney to help me end all legal and financial ties which bind me to my abusive family members and their flying monkeys.

[zachira]

I have been writing thank you notes to the many people who have helped me get through the last few months. I seem to be moving from feeling like a victim to being grateful for what I do have.

[Methuen]

I have been writing thank you notes to the many people who have helped me get through the last few months. I seem to be moving from feeling like a victim to being grateful for what I do have.

This is so beautiful Zachira.  Despite today being a "good" day for me, with a number of positive things going on, your post is the highlight of my day.  I truly believe gratitude is one of the things that makes us different from our BPD relatives. For you to feel like you are moving from feeling like a victim, to being grateful for what you do have, oh my, I am so genuinely happy for you. Thanks for sharing! 

[zachira]

Methuen,
Thank you for all your support and kindness. I really appreciate your empathy and compassion. I have kept asking myself when I am going to start to feel better. I once read that healthy people have gratitude, that they appreciate what they have. It seems that I have crossed a bridge in that I am not so susceptible to getting emotionally overwhelmed by the latest terrible behaviors of some of my family members and this seems to free up more space in my head to feel genuinely quietly content. There is light at the end of the tunnel even though I have several legal matters still to resolve.

[GaGrl]

I found that the act of hand-writing notes of gratitude to those who supported us during my mother's final months -- and especially those who understood true "end of life" challenges -- was the act that most soothed my soul.

[zachira]

GaGrl,
That is so interesting that you found so much solace in writing notes of gratitude to those who supported your mother in her final months. Before my mother died, I tried to thank the people who were so kind and generous to her when I ran into them. After my mother died, I wrote every person that I knew of to thank them for not forgetting mom and being so kind to her over the many many years she was sick. I could never get over how mom had terrible things to say about so many of the people who were so kind to her, and they did not seem to have a clue about how she raged on saying terrible things about them, often right after they left her home after going out of their way to visit her, often bringing her homemade food and things she liked. I think my mother did not believe she was worthy of being cared about, and did not allow anybody to love her, maybe because she did not know how to love others herself.

[Goldcrest]

GaGrl,
That is so interesting that you found so much solace in writing notes of gratitude to those who supported your mother in her final months. Before my mother died, I tried to thank the people who were so kind and generous to her when I ran into them. After my mother died, I wrote every person that I knew of to thank them for not forgetting mom and being so kind to her over the many many years she was sick. I could never get over how mom had terrible things to say about so many of the people who were so kind to her, and they did not seem to have a clue about how she raged on saying terrible things about them, often right after they left her home after going out of their way to visit her, often bringing her homemade food and things she liked. I think my mother did not believe she was worthy of being cared about, and did not allow anybody to love her, maybe because she did not know how to love others herself.

This is interesting to me too zachira, I find it impossible to fathom why people continue to support my mother when she is so vile about them behind their backs and with her two best friends she can be awful to them to their faces too, she will belittle and bully. Mum loves bitching about other people to friends which to me would be a red flag. One lady who I struggle with I will admit has been very loyal to mum. I get angry with this lady as she has been a flying monkey at times and I often imagine getting very angry with her when my mum dies, on the flip side I also recognise how much she has tolerated and feel I should be grateful that she is there to support her.

[zachira]

Goldcrest,
The people who support those who talk badly about others and/or continue a relationship of any kind when being mistreated usually have issues of their own, though not necessarily when the person we are dealing with is a close family member who we did not choose to be a part of our lives. I agree with you that a big red flag is a person who talks badly about others. People are naïve to think that they won't be talked badly about when they have their backs turned. Some of those who supported my mother naively believed that all people are good people or can become so if given enough love and support. Most of the members on PSI who have been here for a long time get it, that people with strong BPD and NPD traits are unlikely to change especially if their behaviors are severely dysfunctional and are ingrained parts of their personality.