Need help to stay away

[MaggieMisty]

Hello, I recently had to flee my home after my partner’s yet another BPD episode (his happened every two-three weeks, out of the blue and last 3-5 days). It started getting bad six months into our relationship but there were a lot of red flags before that, which he, intelligent as he is, explained away as caused by me.. He was never physical but he was physically threatening, mentally and emotionally abusive. It’s been three days and he is now in the phase of guilt and shame over what happened (“how will I survive Christmas” - yet I am the one who had to leave family home and our dogs). I love him very much but I am very scared of relenting and going back. Very few of my friends knew what was going on because I was ashamed to tell them - from outside our life seemed idyllic. I did tell most of my friends now, which told me (all) that they were worried about me because I was becoming increasingly isolated and looked depressed and quiet.. It’s holiday season and I know I need to get to therapy but that’s not possible right away. Any tips on how to stay steadfast and not relent would be appreciated. Thank you.

[ILMBPDC]

Maggie, I'm sorry to hear about your situation.
Personally, I have to keep reminding myself about the bad parts, why we don't work, what I dislike about him. Its way too easy for me to get sucked in my his kind words so I have to counteract that.

If you have a close, sympathetic friend I would encourage telling them the whole story as well. Yes its hard and embarrassing but getting it off your chest is so important and so is having a support system.

I also spend a decent amount of time on this board, reading others' stories, realizing  how much worse it could have been. And posting my own story, even when I do something stupid and am embarrassed, the board has always been sympathetic and helpful. Not a lot of people understand what its like to be with a pwBPD - the people here do. Talking (posting) about it helps solidify in your mind that this is the right thing to do. You deserve so much better.

[SinisterComplex]

Hello, I recently had to flee my home after my partner’s yet another BPD episode (his happened every two-three weeks, out of the blue and last 3-5 days). It started getting bad six months into our relationship but there were a lot of red flags before that, which he, intelligent as he is, explained away as caused by me.. He was never physical but he was physically threatening, mentally and emotionally abusive. It’s been three days and he is now in the phase of guilt and shame over what happened (“how will I survive Christmas” - yet I am the one who had to leave family home and our dogs). I love him very much but I am very scared of relenting and going back. Very few of my friends knew what was going on because I was ashamed to tell them - from outside our life seemed idyllic. I did tell most of my friends now, which told me (all) that they were worried about me because I was becoming increasingly isolated and looked depressed and quiet.. It’s holiday season and I know I need to get to therapy but that’s not possible right away. Any tips on how to stay steadfast and not relent would be appreciated. Thank you.

MM, Welcome  . Sorry you have had to go through what you have, but I am glad you found us.

The most important advice I can provide is that you place your focus elsewhere. Find something that has been de-prioritized in place of this relationship. Make that thing a priority now. That will be a good start. Additionally, you are going to have a lot of emotions to work out and a lot of questions...keep posting and using this resource to your advantage.

When you are feeling weak or questioning yourself come here...post. Share. Also, find a close friend have them essentially be an anchor and discuss with them that you are going to need help in the form of them maybe having to show some tough love and keeping you accountable.

In the mean time please be kind to yourself. Relax, get some rest, and allow yourself to live not just exist. You will get through this one day at a time, step by step, brick by brick.

Keep your head up. #Hulkhug 

Cheers and best wishes! 

-SC-

[MaggieMisty]

Thank you for replies it really helps. My friends have rallied around me and I feel loved and safe. Since I left (Sunday) I received dozen crazy long emails calling me a sociopath, a broken person, accusing me of the things he has done to me - it’s like he could read those emails one day when he’s lucid (does that ever happen) and realize he was writing about himself. With every email and text I realize how disconnected he is from the reality and I know there’s no going back. He’s so far gone. This is a person who himself trained as a therapist - I shudder when I think he ‘helps’ people heal. I have to say when he’s not splitting he is a wonderful person, I did not fall in love with him for no reason. But when the episode comes it’s a complete annihilation of me.

[ACycleWiser]

But when the episode comes it’s a complete annihilation of me.

Annihilation is the right word. And it happens for various reasons and in various degrees.

I think the most extreme walls of text come when they are in the early process of idealizing their next FP.
As they try and sell themselves as the relationship victim in need of rescue to this new party, the old party has to receive a matching flood of blame to justify the story in the BPD splitting logic. That has always been a rather good indicator to predict my exBPDws sidestep(s).

[Firsttimefather]

MM,
 I want to give a large vote of confidence to SC’s advice. SC is a bright light of guidance through a very dark labyrinth (at least that is what I found)
 I am so sorry you are going through this and the holiday doesn’t help make it easier.
 I went through a dysregulation cycle just before Thanksgiving. I like you fled and spent 4 weeks on my friends couch. Though I was on here venting a lot, I did my best to go No Contact. It is far from easy but I do feel is an important step.
 My psycho T suggested: keep the upper hand. When my partner lost her emotional control I wish I was wise enough to just say ‘Ok if that’s what you want, thank you for setting me free this holiday’ and just leave.
 I didn’t do it but I didn’t engage too much.
 Mindfulness…. When the thoughts come set em on a leaf and let ‘em float down stream. Live in the present , don’t worry about the plans, the dreams, the promises that were made when your partner was ‘neurotypical’, all that is on hold now…a shame such control has been enacted by your partner but :c’est la vie you can’t change anyone’s mind but your own.
 The 333 practice helped me to calm anxiety: get comfy name three things you see, three things you hear, and move three parts of your body. Repeat until you relax.
 I am far from an expert. I do know that our mind can be our own worst enemy especially when we want to follow the advice of our heart. Breathe: we all have our own lessons, paths and timing.
 I know it’s often redundant: work on you. I started on day 1 to fast. This happened on thanksgiving mind you; I was by myself, ate rice and went through madness but I received so much help here.
 Know you are loved and not alone. I wish I could bottle the strength I eventually found and provide it for folks on Day 1 when vexed with this challenging experience. Get strong, you are not the broken one! Everything I mentioned really helped and is helping me.
 Merry Christmas you beautiful soul. Hang in there.
 I hope some of this helps.  I also wanna thank SC again. I can’t imagine what I would be like right now if it weren’t for SC and the other advice and support I found here.
 (Honestly if I could I would open halfway homes for non Bpd’s throughout the country. With immediate therapy available and activities to move through it all easier)

[Firsttimefather]

MM,
 This helped me a ton as well:

 https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding#signs

 I found myself so focused on my partners Bpd but wasn’t working on my own issue that needed fixing. Once I was shown this I started working on ‘me’ and began to turn the tide. We can’t fix our partners, but we can fix and work on ourselves.
Peace and love

[MaggieMisty]

Thank you all so so much. Yes, it’s possible there’s another target on the horizon as this last episode occurred just few days before we were to fly long distance on a holiday. A place where he has been before, for long periods.

When I think of him finding someone else - I don’t have a pang in my heart from jealousy but actual fear for that other person. The tips you all gave me are great. Regarding snapping back into normal routine - I am just about back - managed to go for a run yesterday - this was not possible since Sunday because I was like a shock victim, trebling and weak. I am getting my strength back now. Also still receiving loads of emails and messages (now cycle of love bombing alternated with “you are an asshole” and much worse).  I am also starting therapy for trauma I experienced but also I want to resolve why I put myself in this situation, why I have not left earlier. I don’t want that to happen to me ever again.

OK so here is another question - I know I need to go no contact but my stuff is still in the house. I can’t really go no contact until I move it out. Also, due to where I live - lack of rental properties and astronomic prices - it will be difficult to find something right away. So how do I manage contact before I go NC once I moved my stuff out. Thank you

[MaggieMisty]

Yes. Well funny you mention half way houses. I spoke to a friend of mine that works in Women shelters for victims of domestic abuse … and she was like “you are describing exactly the scenario every woman in that shelter describes”. She also said she will kneecap me if I ever think of going back.