Help my family get through Christmas

[mtnwanderer]

Hello everyone,

I’m hoping that some of you who are down the curve with family dynamics can help me. I am pretty sure that my 30 year old sister has BPD, and it is already messing up our Christmas.

I drove home with her yesterday for about 6 hours. It went well for me (because I’ve done a lot of reading about BPD and staying calm) but she was in two conflicts with friends over text and I watched her emotions go high-low and quiet-high over the course of the drive. This is pretty typical for a given day.

When we got home my mom had cookies and a fire going by the Christmas tree and my heart breaks for her because of the conflict that ensued. my brother was there and wanted to clear the air from a conflict that happened and unfortunately he does not know the rules of engagement - he wanted to express his side of things and stand up for himself which, of course, escalated everything. I’ve never heard my brother yell in my entire life but he lost it last night. Now he will pay the price because she will give him the silent treatment until he apologizes, when it should be the other way around.

I could go into a lot here about what the conflict was about, but long story short, she helped him get a job, he happened to make a ton of money when the stock went public unexpectedly, and she is terribly jealous and wants a piece of it. There was a lot of “no one understands what I’m going through” and “after all I’ve done for you” type of language.

Afterwards I retreated to my room downstairs and she came in while I was on the phone, in tears without knocking, expecting me to give her all of her time and not apologizing for interrupting my phone call. She told me that she’s thinking about leaving early and that “every year someone is always picking a fight with me at Christmas and for that reason I never want to come to this house again”. What breaks my heart is that yes, every Christmas she fights with someone…but in her world it’s everyone against her and she cannot see her own role in it.

I’m hiding out downstairs and not really looking forward to facing the day. I know about DBT validation and plan to use it today and shared a DBT article with my mom. I’ll try to get a window in which to talk to my brother about it too but it may not be possible and I can see that he needs a lot of support for how to talk to her and sadly put his own feeling aside. I have a feeling she will try to use my dad to triangulate/get him on her side to gang up on my brother. She did something similar last Christmas.

So, friends, if you have ANY advice about how to save our Christmas and anything that all of us can say to maintain peace, I’m all ears. Specific phrases are greatly appreciated, and also any advice for handling the silent treatment or withdrawn/one word reply moments that I’m sure are on the way today.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. Holidays can be stressful with a disordered family member and also the expectation that the celebration be a special one. One would think it is a time where everyone tries to do their best, but you can see from past Christmas get togethers, it's also a time for drama.

First, I think expectations are an extra stressor and a set up for disappointment. I think you are correct when you say your sister sees things from victim perspective. My elderly BPD mother does. One example is that we didn't see her for a long time due to Covid, but once the vaccines became available and with nice weather, we felt safe enough to get together outside. So I planned a small family get together outdoors for her. One would think she'd be happy to see us after a long time, but it was the same drama behavior from her even if the whole event was just for her.

My disappointment was from expecting things to go differently. No matter how much I tried to make a nice visit for her, it didn't work- because that is up to her, not me.

You can not control your sister. No matter how much DBT training you have, knowing how to speak to her. It might reduce some of the drama with her but it doesn't control her. You can not save Christmas from her.

We think of boundaries as something we expect the other person to do. Boundaries are about us, not them. It's about how we choose to react to their behavior, but we can't control it.

It looks like your sister drove with you, so her wanting to leave would require you to leave. Well you say no. You want to stay and have Christmas with your family. If she wants to leave, she needs to figure out a way to do that.

Your parents are a part of these dynamics. They've likely been dealing with it, even enabling your sister for some time. If she triangulates Dad, keep in mind she can't do that unless he goes along with it, and if he does, this is a behavior pattern with him.

If your brother argues with her, then he does - that is on him. You can certainly share information about BPD and DBT with him and he can choose to use it or not- but he's responsible for his behavior.

The silent treatment is a tough one. I have experienced that too, in addition to BPD mom refusing to even attend a get together for her. When I replied that the guests would be disappointed, she shouted insults. Finally I said "well I am going and you can get in the car or not" and she got in the car.

If your sister does the silent treatment, the best thing to do is ignore it. It's actually a form of verbal abuse. 

In the long run, sticking to boundaries regardless of how she reacts is the best path, however, in the short time you are all together, avoiding confrontation and not reacting to her is a way to reduce your end of the drama by not giving attention to it. The way to not react is to not change your part in this- stay in middle ground. If she chooses to be silent- you continue the dinner conversation as you usually would. Don't confront her, don't completely ignore her. If she doesn't answer you, that's on her. Do not beg her to come out of it.

We all have our own family roles and drama, even in families without BPD. We also tend to revert to your childhood selves at home and in a dysfunctional family- we revert to certain roles. Mine has been scapegoat and rescuer. I can see some rescuing tendencies in your "how to save Christmas". You can only do your part in this. You can't control what your sister does.

Try the best you can to not make your sister the focus of this Christmas. One great line out of a Dr. Phil show where a family was focused on one dysfunctional member ( it wasn't BPD but the patterns were similar ) was "you are all lost in the woods and looking at a disordered person to lead you out".

What does your sister gain from the drama she stirs up with friends and family? She gets attention and control. She becomes the center of attention if she ruins your Christmas. Take your attention off her. Spend some one on one time with your mother. I bet she'd love to have you help her in the kitchen, make her coffee, or just do something nice for her. Let her know how much you appreciate the work she's put into to make Christmas nice for the family. Maybe take a walk with her if you can. If your sister goes off and sulks, that's her choice. If Dad triangulates, then he does. Tell him you love him and don't get involved in the triangle.

I know it means a lot to your parents to have you all home for Christmas, but it may be that you will to have your sister come on her own so she can come and go as she pleases. For now, do the best you can with your other family members, and let your sister deal with her own feelings as best you can.

[mtnwanderer]

Thank you so much for your long and thoughtful response. I really appreciate it. Especially calling to attention the “rescuer” tendency im taking on - I’m trying to protect my mom because of the effort she’s put into this. Thank you also for reminding me that the silent treatment is a form of abuse. My sister has also been verbally abusive in other ways in the past.

Another question on the silent treatment - a few years ago at Christmas dinner, the four of us were having a great time and my sister was totally silent, head down, not talking, until we all stopped our pleasant conversation and had to deal with her crying, miserable, etc. It was definitely an attention thing. But if she does something like this again, does our family just pretend like she’s not upset and keep up pleasant conversation?

The more tools I have for this the better, because I can help my family. I know that the response to this needs to be a coordinated family effort and it’s been taking time for my parents to accept that this could be a personality disorder. I’m sure it’s devastating for both of them; my aunt had it too. If I get a chance to talk to my dad today I’m going to encourage him to not triangulate and also use validation - but ultimately, we need to discuss this as a family. I tried emailing everyone about this after Christmas last year but I basically got the “you’re on your own and it’s not in your business to diagnose people” response. So the more knowledge I can gain, the more I can share.

[Notwendy]

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle



 “you’re on your own and it’s not in your business to diagnose people”

I would take this as a message that they don't want to hear it. I am guessing you are probably over functioning in this- when you step in to "fix" this and take too much responsibility for fixing things- you are actually enabling them to not do their part in this. In addition, the rescuer role in the Karpman triangle is dysfunctional. You may feel you are helping but it's still drama.

Your parents may or may not accept your sister has a PD. I also thought I was helping my father with my mother. Honestly, he was a grown adult, intelligent, and had access to the internet too. He didn't need my input or insight. He either knew all he needed to know about my mother or didn't want to know, and my "advice" was not welcome.

My BPD mom has done similar attention getting antics, acting hurt, or the silent treatment. Personally, I'd ignore her at the table if she did that at the table at Christmas. However, your parents may not want to.

[mtnwanderer]

Thank you thank you thank you. I don’t want to create drama at all. I’ll focus on taking a step back and staying calm.

[Notwendy]

Exactly- we feel driven to "fix" the situation because it makes us feel uncomfortable. The more we can manage our own discomfort, the less we feel we need to fix it.

I understand as I also take on the role of smoothing things over. However, your parents are adults and they know your sister. They've been dealing with her behaviors for a long time.

If Christmas doesn't go well, you can make a visit to your parents later, take your mom out to lunch, have a girl's day together, without any drama.

[zachira]

Every Christmas, my BPD mother (who is now deceased) would have terrible meltdowns. It was not until my brother was dying of cancer, that we made his last Christmas about enjoying him. Mom carried on about wanting everyone to rush thru Christmas Day dinner and the Christmas Eve celebration so we could all start cleaning up. Mom washed most of the dishes on both days, and there was criticism about this from one of my cousins which we all ignored. Enjoy the people who mean the most to you, and ignore your sister's drama, as the more she is rewarded for her bad behavior, the more distressing it is for you, while keeping in mind your sister will always be looking for ways to make everything about her internal distress. Your challenge is to not take on your sister's internal distress which is very difficult because of our mirror neurons. When we are empathetic, we easily feel what others are feeling. It is not healthy to take on out of control angry feelings of others, and this is when we have to remove ourselves from the presence of this person, and look inside to sort out what feelings belong to us and what feelings are not ours to take on.

[Couscous]

The thing about family gatherings is that they overwhelm a BPD’s nervous system, and trigger all their childhood wounds, so they start acting out, not at all unlike how young children do. In a perfect world, families with BPDs would not even attempt to have normal celebrations and would instead come up with creative alternatives. But your family is likely deeply in denial, so don’t make the mistake I did and actually suggest this idea to your family, nor should you suggest that everyone ignore the BPD’s behavior either, because you will suddenly find that you are being seen as a persecutor, and then you might find yourself being excluded from future family gatherings in very short order.

My advice is to ignore the behavior as best you can, and then also be ready to ignore any guilt tripping that you will likely be subjected to afterwards for not playing your usual role on the drama triangle. Good luck!

[mtnwanderer]

Thank you.

How did it feel when you decided to appreciate your brother’s presence and not bend to what your mom wanted? Was there an explosion? Did it matter? Have you and your siblings ever talked about being aware of what you’re dealing with?

One good thing that happened today was that my mom wants to talk to a psychiatrist about all of this. Since I brought it up a year ago it seems like she is way more open to seeking out help and recognizes that these dynamics aren’t normal, so that’s good.

It’s hard for me to deal with the micro aggression moments — for example, I’m not feeling well today, and she jumped on me when I was walking down the street (she tends to act like a small child often and will frequently say things like “you don’t love me” in a baby voice). I said, “please don’t do that right now, I’m not feeling well” and boom, silent treatment. Ugh.