I need a perspective

[Earl99]

I hope someone can help

My fiancé and I split , a bit of background : I’m widowed and our separate kids are grown.   She breaks up about every year of less and we move on w other people but eventually get back—6 times now.   Her upbringing was chaos, she accused her father and uncle of abusing her when she was two, she started drinking and shoplifting at 12-13, never graduated from high school .  Arrested for stealing as a teenage.  In her 30s she thought she remembered being raped by her dad and confronted him and all 10 of her siblings.  Now she wonders why they don’t like her.  She’s early 60s now

She wanted to leave me because of a litany and accusations that I could not understand.  But since she’s been with me I’ve taken her all over the world and her therapist kept telling me she’d cycle out on me— which she did by leaving again

She was splitting me from friends
She used my credit card before she left and charged $1000
And asked for a $700 loan before she told me she’s gone
The last night she went into a rage accusing me of taking her medications ( which I never did and she found in her purse) and in the rage she threatened to kill me as I slept

Of course she apologized

I was delightfully happy to have her gone and as usual she started to write me abusive email and the ghosted me.

As usual after a month I missed her and reached out— nothing
I reached out over and over

I finally call our couples therapist and she set me back on my heels saying as a bpd and unfunctioning her life has been to find a wealthy guy to take care of her— something she admitted to me

My therapist said it was codependent and I see it and have been at coda meetings.   I see my issue

But the therapist pointed out she’s stone broke and has never ad a job over 4-6 mos,   She’s pretty when she wanted to be.

Was married to a successful attorney and left him and he was so pissed her left her nothing when he died 2 years later.  She blew thru $700k in 4 years

Her symptoms of bd are clear and the “I can fix her” and “I don’t want to be alone” kicks in and I chase her

In clear moments I realize her raging, paranoid thinking and accusations of stealing have ended up w workers not wanting to work around the house.  She’s demanded to go on my deed and my attorney said, “ she’ll leave you and force you to sell your house”.

I need support to remind me this behavior is nuts, I’m better off now and to move on

[ILMBPDC]

I need support to remind me this behavior is nuts, I’m better off now and to move on

Mods: I'm thinking this should be moved to the Detaching board?

Earl - a lot of us have been through this... we want to fix our exes, we think they can be better if we just love them enough. The thing we all have to get through our heads is that it is not up to anyone to "fix" another person. And we need to assess relationships how they are "now" not how we hope they will be in the future.

As yourself if you enjoy being in the relationship with a person like this:

She breaks up about every year of less and we move on w other people but eventually get back—6 times now.  

She wanted to leave me because of a litany and accusations that I could not understand.

She was splitting me from friends

She used my credit card before she left and charged $1000

And asked for a $700 loan before she told me she’s gone

she went into a rage accusing me of taking her medications ( which I never did and she found in her purse) and in the rage she threatened to kill me as I slept

she started to write me abusive email and the ghosted me.

 She blew thru $700k in 4 years

I realize her raging, paranoid thinking and accusations of stealing have ended up w workers not wanting to work around the house.

 

Is that worth your sanity and security?  Just to not be alone?