Having your needs met

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Today i am pondering about needs.

Because i realize that i have a hard time identifying them, let alone express or protect them. You can not value what you do not know, and don't even realize it when they aren't met. But i do discover that now looking in the mirror of my past BPD r/s.

During the first 2-3 years my needs were totally met, and i met hers as far as i could. The thing is however i didn't have to express my needs or arrange for them being met. She really could read me like a book.

But as things got tougher, it came to a point where i was only hearing what she needed, what was missing or what i did wrong according to her. So i tried the best i could, but eventually with this need blindness of me, i did not express my needs in return so i ran on empty. I see a pattern of withdrawing and avoiding the relationship - and others before that - because i was deprived, which i think my BPD then saw as abandonment.

The lesson i take away is know and manage your needs. If you think it is selfish it is really not if it is in a mutual exchange.
If you do not have your needs met, it will put an invisible strain on the relationship, and you end up not being able to give back.

of course in BPD land your needs don't end up mattering much as the person gets more and more deregulated.
But with the eye on the future this to me is a working point.

[ACycleWiser]

Today i am pondering about needs.

Because i realize that i have a hard time identifying them, let alone express or protect them. You can not value what you do not know, and don't even realize it when they aren't met. But i do discover that now looking in the mirror of my past BPD r/s.

During the first 2-3 years my needs were totally met, and i met hers as far as i could. The thing is however i didn't have to express my needs or arrange for them being met. She really could read me like a book.

But as things got tougher, it came to a point where i was only hearing what she needed, what was missing or what i did wrong according to her. So i tried the best i could, but eventually with this need blindness of me, i did not express my needs in return so i ran on empty. I see a pattern of withdrawing and avoiding the relationship - and others before that - because i was deprived, which i think my BPD then saw as abandonment.

The lesson i take away is know and manage your needs. If you think it is selfish it is really not if it is in a mutual exchange.
If you do not have your needs met, it will put an invisible strain on the relationship, and you end up not being able to give back.

of course in BPD land your needs don't end up mattering much as the person gets more and more deregulated.
But with the eye on the future this to me is a working point.

[once removed]

The lesson i take away is know and manage your needs.

i think this is the takeaway.

i saw a member here recently say that in a romantic relationship, there really isnt room for two highly needy people. it hit me like a ton of bricks. my ex and i were both highly needy people, and frankly, we were both bad at communicating our needs. when i look back, i could boil down most of our fighting to that: two needy people fighting with each other to get their needs met.

but additionally, and there were so many times i tried to get this across to my ex, one person, one relationship, cant meet your needs, cant fulfill you completely, cant make you whole.

we are responsible for our needs, but we get our needs met in a variety of ways. most of them come through connection with human others. some of them come through passions and hobbies, and other outlets.

[ACycleWiser]

Hey that's an interesting way to look at it.

two needy people fighting with each other to get their needs met.

Thanks for that!
But what i also think, is people fighting because they actually sacrifice so much or deny their needs too. Its a structural need conflict.

I would say i would not have considered myself needy before, as i was so good in supressing my needs, and would feel weak expressing them.
And while my exBPDw would be considered needy, she also was fighting with her own inner child and it's need for attachment vs becoming whole.

That means you have two people who are in conflict with their own needs, and that just gets reflected in the relationship dynamic.