I need help leaving an abusive marriage

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have been in an abusive marriage for years. I have spent the last 3 years in therapy dealing with my side of the abuse, and I'm still living in fear of how my wife will react to the slightest perception of insult or lack of understanding. I often have to check the facts because she gaslights me daily. I'm currently saddled with an $11,000 credit card debt that she cannot afford to pay -- but she is accusing me of financial abuse. I paid her a salary out of my paycheck for the last 3 years so she would have financial independence, and she started working again recently and spent all of her earnings on merchandise and Christmas presents, and still doesn't have enough left over to pay her credit card debt or contribute to family savings. I am at my whit's end, and to top it all off she has told me she wants to pursue a divorce if I'm unwilling to give her all of my passwords (bank accounts, emails, phone, etc) in an effort to be "fully transparent." So I told her I was unwilling to do so, and she asked to talk about separation and divorce with our therapist. Our therapist emailed us a bunch of things to think about prior to our meeting, and when I laid out the hard financial realities of divorce, she changed her tune a bit and is asking me to consider healing from past wounds and giving our marriage another shot. I told her I'm willing to do so, but would need some financial reassurances that she just won't commit to. Every conversation becomes high conflict. I often find myself questioning my decision making because of how often she gaslights me. I am exhausted. I want to figure out our relationship for our daughters, but I'm worried that if I don't separate from her now that I'm putting them at risk for developing BPD or just bearing witness to a toxic relationship for their young lives. Our 7 year old seems worn out by our fighting, and I find it difficult to avoid conflict with her mother.

Our couples therapist has told me she suspects my wife has BPD (we had a few one-on-one sessions), and she has privileges with my wife's psychologist who has shared with her that she thinks my wife has BPD and is unwilling to accept the diagnosis. My wife has also recently shared that they spoke about BPD for a few years. I also suspect her mother (my mother in law) has BPD.

I just don't think we have any longevity, and she keeps reaffirming she's unwilling to have a marriage with someone who won't give up all of their passwords LOL. And won't commit to paying her debts in any timely manner, and I have given her chance after chance over the years. Any advice? Does this sound "normal"?

[ATLTwin]

I have been in an abusive marriage for years. I have spent the last 3 years in therapy dealing with my side of the abuse, and I'm still living in fear of how my wife will react to the slightest perception of insult or lack of understanding. I often have to check the facts because she gaslights me daily. I'm currently saddled with an $11,000 credit card debt that she cannot afford to pay -- but she is accusing me of financial abuse. I paid her a salary out of my paycheck for the last 3 years so she would have financial independence, and she started working again recently and spent all of her earnings on merchandise and Christmas presents, and still doesn't have enough left over to pay her credit card debt or contribute to family savings. I am at my whit's end, and to top it all off she has told me she wants to pursue a divorce if I'm unwilling to give her all of my passwords (bank accounts, emails, phone, etc) in an effort to be "fully transparent." So I told her I was unwilling to do so, and she asked to talk about separation and divorce with our therapist. Our therapist emailed us a bunch of things to think about prior to our meeting, and when I laid out the hard financial realities of divorce, she changed her tune a bit and is asking me to consider healing from past wounds and giving our marriage another shot. I told her I'm willing to do so, but would need some financial reassurances that she just won't commit to. Every conversation becomes high conflict. I often find myself questioning my decision making because of how often she gaslights me. I am exhausted. I want to figure out our relationship for our daughters, but I'm worried that if I don't separate from her now that I'm putting them at risk for developing BPD or just bearing witness to a toxic relationship for their young lives. Our 7 year old seems worn out by our fighting, and I find it difficult to avoid conflict with her mother.

Our couples therapist has told me she suspects my wife has BPD (we had a few one-on-one sessions), and she has privileges with my wife's psychologist who has shared with her that she thinks my wife has BPD and is unwilling to accept the diagnosis. My wife has also recently shared that they spoke about BPD for a few years. I also suspect her mother (my mother in law) has BPD.

I just don't think we have any longevity, and she keeps reaffirming she's unwilling to have a marriage with someone who won't give up all of their passwords LOL. And won't commit to paying her debts in any timely manner, and I have given her chance after chance over the years. Any advice? Does this sound "normal"?

[once removed]

if you want to work on reconciling the marriage, please lay things out on the Bettering board. this is a board for folks that are, whether by choice or not, out of a terminated relationship for 1-3 months, and generally not looking back.

financial conflict is probably the number one marriage killer. when you love someone with bpd traits, its really no exception, and can be worse. there are solutions, some of them conventional, some of them unconventional, but what matters, ultimately, is whether you and your wife are committed to making things work.

what do you think?