No contact after discard.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Alright it's actually been one year since I got discarded in a brutal fashion and I had been doing very well over the last 6ish months. I had no idea what she was doing and everything was going alright.

I made a stupid mistake of looking at her Instagram today and saw a picture of her with the new supply at her family's and now I'm back in that cycle again. I feel like throwing up. I actually feel physically sick when I saw her bs smile, having drinks with other guys.

I'm so stupid, I had stayed away from every forum related to BPD for a long time and thought I was moving on and the holiday season told me: NOPE!

She hasn't unblocked me in a year, there has been absolutely no contact from her over the last year. Obviously like many of you here I had no closure and the discard was abrupt like we were talking about getting married a few days before and then blocked everywhere.

Is she really doing that well? I know I shouldn't care but I still feel like I am not ready to date anyone but how could she not check up on someone she wanted to marry in over a year?

Sorry for the rant but holiday season I am just all alone and I just can't stop ruminating now.

But I wish everyone on here a Merry Christmas and best wishes for 2022. Hopefully next year would be slightly better, I just hope.

[redhaired1818]

Alright it's actually been one year since I got discarded in a brutal fashion and I had been doing very well over the last 6ish months. I had no idea what she was doing and everything was going alright.

I made a stupid mistake of looking at her Instagram today and saw a picture of her with the new supply at her family's and now I'm back in that cycle again. I feel like throwing up. I actually feel physically sick when I saw her bs smile, having drinks with other guys.

I'm so stupid, I had stayed away from every forum related to BPD for a long time and thought I was moving on and the holiday season told me: NOPE!

She hasn't unblocked me in a year, there has been absolutely no contact from her over the last year. Obviously like many of you here I had no closure and the discard was abrupt like we were talking about getting married a few days before and then blocked everywhere.

Is she really doing that well? I know I shouldn't care but I still feel like I am not ready to date anyone but how could she not check up on someone she wanted to marry in over a year?

Sorry for the rant but holiday season I am just all alone and I just can't stop ruminating now.

But I wish everyone on here a Merry Christmas and best wishes for 2022. Hopefully next year would be slightly better, I just hope.

[Firsttimefather]

That is an awful feeling and so sorry you are going through this. Merry Christmas my friend.
 I’m definitely no expert in these matters though I do ask a lot of questions. I think it is important to let go of the ‘wish we could’ times. The marriage plans etc. Live in the now.
 Have you considered blocking her instagram or maybe getting off Instagram? Since it has proven to be such a trigger for you.
 That feeling of discard, no closure, Grey walled and blocked is unnerving and unsettling to say the least. I’m still working through my ‘dilemma’ if you will however when I needed some sense of ‘closure’ I found it through therapy.
 Be strong, focus on you and remember you have made it a year so far! Don’t be fooled by the photo either. People can put on a good show for the camera.
  It is so hard to let go, this I know. Be in the presence of friends and family this holiday if you can and do your best to let the thoughts pass. Mindfulness helps a lot….maybe Re read through some of the tools on here since you mentioned having not been here for awhile.
 Again Merry Christmas and be well…

[redhaired1818]

Thanks for the reply Firsttimefather, I know I made a stupid mistake. I'm also blocked on Instagram but since hers is public, I just checked through the normal browser. My heart was racing and my brain asked me not to do it but I couldn't hold myself. Like I said, I'm a student in a foreign country and all my friends are scattered around the entire country, family is back home and there are lockdown restrictions.

I know people put on a show for social media but I hope I get a hold of myself. That's why I believe no contact is so important. I had pretty much moved on with my life, checking out other girls, got a really cool job and now I'm depressed again . I hate that she's doing so well after how she treated me. I want her to feel half the pain she put me through last year. I know I come across as someone who is full of hate but I just can't help it.

I hope you're doing alright too pal. It's hard so I understand the situation you must be in if you're on this forum.

[ILMBPDC]

Is she really doing that well? I know I shouldn't care but I still feel like I am not ready to date anyone but how could she not check up on someone she wanted to marry in over a year?

No, she's not. She may be in the honeymoon phase. She may be putting on a show for IG. Who knows?  But the absolute mark of BPD is a pattern of unstable relationships. Even if she is "happy" right now it won't last forever. And its likely the guy is already getting the brunt of her wrath.
pwBPD have this ability to just write people off - that devalue/split/discard thing that they do. It doesn't make sense to anyone else and it deeply hurts those of us that once loved them. The only advice I can offer is to come to terms with the fact that her mind doesn't work the same and you will never know how she can act that way. Its hard to come to terms with but trying to understand the BPD mind is a one way ticket to crazy-ville.

I agree with FTF - unfollow and block all her social media accounts. Stop the temptation before it starts. At least next time you'd have to think about why you are doing it if you have to go through the whole unblocking piece and that may help you realize its a bad idea.

[WhatToDo47]

How awful! I think social media can be especially painful because it includes pictures that are often out of context and artificially happy. If she has BPD, she needs YEARS of intense therapy to really be doing better. She’s not doing better, or if she is then it’s just for the moment. Hang in there, I feel for you. I don’t have any social media and I think that has helped me a lot. Long story what I’m going through, but my BPD (ex?)wife posts a lot on social media, and it always makes her look put together and happy when the truth is she is often literally suicidal at the time of the post. She can always text or call if she needs me, no need to have my mind messed up more.

[ACycleWiser]

Is she really doing that well? I know I shouldn't care but I still feel like I am not ready to date anyone but how could she not check up on someone she wanted to marry in over a year?

Is someone who is a ticking attachment time bomb doing that well?
I am pretty sure she makes every effort to make it look like everything is perfect.
But can you really tell with someone who says "i love you" one night and then flips the relationship switch the morning after, suddenly having a perfectly "rationalized" story why the r/s is over, detailing any previous slight properly enhanced and remodeled in her favor to make you look like the villain?

I guess she is mostly afraid deep down.

[Firsttimefather]

Years ago I went to a T appointment . This was a previous relationship which afterwards learned probably was an undiagnosed Bpd. The person stayed kinda in my life: I had friends who lived with her after I left and the stories? Well seemed like an extreme case. Anyway I find my way to T.
 One of the reasons I went was I was smeared on Facebook. Not exactly by her but by a close friend of hers who believed the ‘distortion campaign’ .
  When I sat with the therapist the first thing he said: ‘Well get off Facebook, I’m not on Facebook and I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything…”
  At the time, it sounded like such a revolutionary notion. Everybody seemed to be on Facebook. Nonetheless I took his advice. I shut down my page. That was about 8 years ago maybe? Well last year I deactivated my page. Mainly for sake photos I had on there.  Now I only post Happy Birthdays or when they offer that ‘memory of 10 years ago with your friend’. But it doesn’t grab my attention as it once did.
  I remember Bill Maher the comedian/talk show host say: ‘Facebook is where stupid goes to die.’ That cracked me up but the moral of the story for me is: I felt like I took the power back. Social media can be such a manipulative platform. People can fake anything. Photoshop you in front of the French Alps and say your from France and just moved to town and you can be the most popular person on the block.
  I don’t know if this anecdote is helpful to you or not. I know you are suffering and I know what that’s like. I’m actually doing pretty well myself and will post an update soon but your welcome to peruse my tales of woe. I had been pretty active up here.
 Okay, so in closing: Take the power back. Log off, deactivate, live here in the present and in the now. That phot took seconds to take, posting it took seconds to accomplish, changing the lack of self management, learning to cope with the cycles of dysregulation, actually trying to get a handle on the disorder and making an active step towards ending abusive cycles? That takes a lifetime! They could have gone to T or been more considerate of your feelings but no they chose to continue the trail of tears and pain while smiling for the camera.
  ‘I saw a picture and I had to laugh, dignity ain’t never been photographed’- Bob Dylan.
  With the push of a button you can make the image of that person disappear as they once did to you.
  Be strong…. Unfollow, block and take the upper hand. It won’t be long and her newbie will be sitting there going: what the hell happened? Maybe I should reach out to their ex? (I almost did this, I’m glad I didn’t but it definitely crossed my mind) instead I did what you are doing, I came here and took a proactive step towards a better me, a better person. If nothing else I came through it thus far with a whole boatload of new knowledge. I’m using all of it now. Three/four weeks ago I celebrated the worst Thanksgiving ever dreaming of the pies I meant to make the day I fled. I am back home now. I am having a great Christmas. I did not expect that a week ago, I was dreading it. The reason is: I came here, I vented, I shared, I went NC/LC, I listened, I talked, I went to T, I practiced mindfulness. Instead of talking to my partner or giving in and texting I came here instead. I suffered greatly but they didn’t know. As it turns THEY SUFFERED WORSE. Don’t let a smile fool you. You are not the broken one, you just took a kick to the back of the knee or a jab to to the gut. You will heal….(I hope something here helps)
 Hey the other thing I realized: take the ‘caretaker’ energy here to people who really can use it. The forum lit up today for the holiday. I saw your post and jumped on. Why waste the energy on a facade? Let’s share it with real people who take stock and responsibility in their lives. I’m glad your here, I’m sorry you had to come but I’m so glad you are here. Peace n love….
 ‘I’m sorry, please forgive me, I thank you, I love you’ - say that to yourself for you. (It is from the book on Hoʻoponopono is a Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. )
 If you want say it towards people you live as well, telepathically. It can get through.
 Live for today, live for you!

[WhatToDo47]

All of that is so helpful. Thank you truly.

[hands down]

Thank you Firstimefather - all so true and sage advice.

I think my perspective was around empathy.  Empathy is an interesting ingredient with a BPD relationship, the relationship starts our using your empathy (which is likely why most co-dependents and empathic folks tend to land with Borderlines) to accelerate a relationship.  IMO they feel so unsafe, that the support and supply they receive by an empathic relationship, authentically opens up holes they have poured concrete on and paved over.  The challenge is that when those holes open up and the supply of empathy is no longer enough, the “untreated” scars act as nerve endings and cause the BPD to freak that they are now going to get “the monster” again…

Here’s where I think the irony comes into play.  They use and exploit (possibly subconsciously) your empathy just as they embraced it on the way in — how? Well the BOD “knows” just the moves to (again I’m not sure conscious or subconscious) the moves hurt your heart in ways that make you feel like you made a mistake with your love, care and empathy. Of which, they also usually make sure to leave a few breadcrumbs to keep those stings attached.  Energetically still getting that supply of empathy and energy. Remember the black and white thinking. If they can be all “right” you must be all wrong…. But maybe it’s not about you. Maybe it’s natural and loving to give empathy, even if you get burned, just because someone robs you does not mean it’s your fault for having $500 in your wallet for the thief to take.  Sometimes you just have to realize it happens. And tomorrow, put another $500 back in the wallet - you didn’t PLEASE READ up, you got robbed. 

Here’s where the challenge comes.  The only common answer is to completely remove them from your energy field.   Which, in all fairness is the only thing that has proven to work. The byproduct is that we are the person that feel like we have to create an emergency change to our life due to the disaster in theirs.  And here is my challenge. By isolating yourself and your empathy, you’re only letting them change you even more. Harden you, bring you shame. It’s not your fault that you got robbed..  sure maybe there are some things you can adjust, but to make wholesale changes in yourself because of a perpetrator - is downright not healthy (IMO)

(I should make a disclaimer that for some, they may have been irresponsible with their $500, flashing it around to be stolen… but I also believe there is a significant portion of the BOD society that genuinely gets “robbed” with very little culpability - and likely doing what love SHOULD do in a healthy relationship)

Like I said in my original post, I could have 6 PHD’s in cluster B research, the lymbic system, the CNS, flight or fight and PTSD. And every ounce of research suggests that the brain functions more fluidly as we integrate the feelings as opposed to cutting them off.  The challenge is the binary thinking.  If we honor those feelings we also dig ourself into a hole because the results are so unfathomable.  But…. Maybe there is an alternative.  Just as people that are raised with childhood abuse can bond over trauma, survivors of shootings do the same together.  Shared experiences and shared healing go a long way psychologically.  And unfortunately, your friends that have never encountered a BPD —- have NO WAY OF PROVIDING YOU THIS SUPPORT

I’d go so far to say, the power and healing on these forums is not the “advice” it’s the empathy.  Being in connection with someone that has walked in your shoes…. Is powerful.  And it’s what the disease doesn’t want.  The disease wants shame and fear. When we realize that this is common, we don’t feel so alone, when we don’t feel so alone we feel okay, when we feel okay, the pain looses its sting. 

The genesis of my post was more looking for verbal and zoom style support that this forum so eloquently delivers via text.  Sometimes your brain knows all of the things, and further having someone that has been charred by the same fire saying… PLEASE READ I’ve been there, can be all the difference in moving the experience from the head to the heart.

Just a little $0.02 rant. 

Much love everyone - thank you for your support and care on here.

[ACycleWiser]

Obviously like many of you here I had no closure and the discard was abrupt like we were talking about getting married a few days before and then blocked everywhere.

Is she really doing that well? I know I shouldn't care but I still feel like I am not ready to date anyone but how could she not check up on someone she wanted to marry in over a year?

The real creepy part here is that while you are aware of your attachment and still feel the hurt, a BPD person can literally "dissociate" from an attachment, not just by splitting but also key memories and deep feelings will simply be out of reach to them, or severely distorted. Also object inconsistency means they forget easily what is out of sight. With all this, their attachment to you quickly "dies" inside of them and that also explains why it seems you are just dead to them out there in the real world.

I know, it is hard to phantom how someone you love can just be gone like that, but in fact they were "dissociating" throughout the whole rs. That magnificent feeling they gave you in the beginning was based on a "dissociative state" too, an obsession to merge together into the perfect unified love object. That is why they mirror, they "dissociate" into your unconsciously held image of the perfect love object. Don't ask me how they do it, but that is why they are so extremely seductive.

The reason there is no closure possible is simply because closure requires acceptance of abandonment, and the personality disorder will have them "dissociate" away from any possible threat of abandonment or closeness, a long time before the need for closure even comes to our minds.

[NotAHero]

 If she is BPD then in truth she is not doing well. It’s a cycle of attaching herself to a new host then the drama starts again. In the meantime many healthy individuals will leave her feeling her feeling even more ashamed and empty. Malicious ones will use her too.

 If anything I feel bad for BPDs they live a life of misery. Don’t let the honey moon phase with new hosts fool you. It’s a sad existence.