A ‘surprise’ visit

[Our abuse recovery guide]

A couple of weeks ago I emailed my enabler sister, who has been basically shunning me for almost two years, and who I haven’t seen in person for as long, to tell her that I think we should officially ‘pause’ our relationship for the next six months, which was, in effect, me turning the tables on her.

Well, (unsurprising) she made a countermove, and showed up on my doorstep bearing gifts for my kids, hit and run style. Fortunately, I was in the shower so didn’t have to see her, but when I heard about what had just transpired I pretty much burst out laughing. It’s all just so pathetic really, and in all honesty it struck me as an act of pure desperation. She needs me to stay on the triangle with her and my brother, and also with her and her fiance, because I stabilize those relationships, at least that’s how the theory goes.

[Couscous]

A couple of weeks ago I emailed my enabler sister, who has been basically shunning me for almost two years, and who I haven’t seen in person for as long, to tell her that I think we should officially ‘pause’ our relationship for the next six months, which was, in effect, me turning the tables on her.

Well, (unsurprising) she made a countermove, and showed up on my doorstep bearing gifts for my kids, hit and run style. Fortunately, I was in the shower so didn’t have to see her, but when I heard about what had just transpired I pretty much burst out laughing. It’s all just so pathetic really, and in all honesty it struck me as an act of pure desperation. She needs me to stay on the triangle with her and my brother, and also with her and her fiance, because I stabilize those relationships, at least that’s how the theory goes.

[Notwendy]

Thankfully you were in the shower and were able to avoid seeing her. Gifts - for my mother - have strings attached- they come with obligation. Now the choice is do you thank her or ignore this? What do you do with the gifts? Give them to the kids or give them away?

Yes, the triangle dynamics needs all participants. I have felt the best response is the one that is the least of the drama for you.

[Couscous]

I am happy to report that I was not triggered at all by her visit, which makes me feel hopeful that I may have really turned a corner and have for the first time, managed to not get hooked.  I don't feel remotely indebted by her gifts, and it turns out she had some for my H and me too. I quite happily made myself a cup of the Christmas tea she sent and played the board game she gave to my kids with them. If anything, I felt sympathetic towards her knowing that all she really wants is to belong to a healthy, happy family, and even though she has decided that it is due to my "selfishness" that her fantasy will not come true, I know that my absence for the first time from the family holiday celebrations has no doubt caused her some very real pain.

[Woolspinner2000]

Good job, Couscous!  You stayed detached from getting drawn in, and in my book that's s a huge step showing how much you've grown. Kudos!

Wools