Confused

[LonelyConfused]

This is my first post.  I feel helpless and scared.  I think my wife has undiagnosed BPD.  We have been together 4 years, married 2.  We have tried couples therapy several times, but when I am honest about my feelings (in therapy or at home) she says that they are "bull$---".  When therapy gets difficult or the therapist presses her, she quits going.  This September, I scheduled a psychiatrist appointment for her after suicidal ideations. She agreed because she was once diagnosed as ADHD, felt that meds helped her and maybe a psychiatrist would prescribe them.   A few days before this appointment (a Wednesday night) she threatened suicide (involving a gun) that ended with her spending a night at the hospital for observation. She blames me for being her suicidal and for "putting her in the insane asylum" (because I called 911).  They released her to me the next day (Thursday) only because the scheduled psychiatrist appointment was on Friday and I promised to stay with her.  (Note: the guns are no longer in the house)

We are on couples counselor number 4 in about 2 years.  We go to a few sessions, she says that is because I am not changing and quits.  Months later after a particularly bad week/month she might be receptive to going back.  Late November things had still not gotten better (meds don't really seem to me to be helping), she still snaps at me for nothing and still thinks that I want to abandon her, she still says that she does not trust me, that I am "gaslighting" her and am an a-hole.  After Thanksgiving I went to stay with family for a few days to get some space, she wanted me to come home, seemed very insightful and suggested going back to therapy.  I asked her to find and schedule this therapist (I had scheduled the first 3 and see my own therapist).  

Our current counselor (that she scheduled) says that we seem to have different realities, we we describe disagreements that we have had.  She has really taken that to heart, but in that I am the problem, that my reality is the one that is wrong, that I am untrustworthy, don't support her, that I am a condescending a-hole, that I am "playing the victim" and that I need to change.  That I only tell her that I love her or that she is pretty or sexy to get her to have sex with me or to get her to make dinner. Truth is I am ridiculously attracted to her and can make my own dinner.  When ask her why she doesn't believe me when I say that she is pretty she says that she thinks that I am just "being polite."  When we do things together that she likes, things are usually pretty good but I cannot have a different viewpoint or suggest a different way of doing something without implying that she is incapable or stupid.  I am not sure if I can even gain her trust and she seems so sure that my reality is wrong.

I don't know what to do.  

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[SinisterComplex]

This is my first post.  I feel helpless and scared.  I think my wife has undiagnosed BPD.  We have been together 4 years, married 2.  We have tried couples therapy several times, but when I am honest about my feelings (in therapy or at home) she says that they are "bull$---".  When therapy gets difficult or the therapist presses her, she quits going.  This September, I scheduled a psychiatrist appointment for her after suicidal ideations. She agreed because she was once diagnosed as ADHD, felt that meds helped her and maybe a psychiatrist would prescribe them.   A few days before this appointment (a Wednesday night) she threatened suicide (involving a gun) that ended with her spending a night at the hospital for observation. She blames me for being her suicidal and for "putting her in the insane asylum" (because I called 911).  They released her to me the next day (Thursday) only because the scheduled psychiatrist appointment was on Friday and I promised to stay with her.  (Note: the guns are no longer in the house)

We are on couples counselor number 4 in about 2 years.  We go to a few sessions, she says that is because I am not changing and quits.  Months later after a particularly bad week/month she might be receptive to going back.  Late November things had still not gotten better (meds don't really seem to me to be helping), she still snaps at me for nothing and still thinks that I want to abandon her, she still says that she does not trust me, that I am "gaslighting" her and am an a-hole.  After Thanksgiving I went to stay with family for a few days to get some space, she wanted me to come home, seemed very insightful and suggested going back to therapy.  I asked her to find and schedule this therapist (I had scheduled the first 3 and see my own therapist).  

Our current counselor (that she scheduled) says that we seem to have different realities, we we describe disagreements that we have had.  She has really taken that to heart, but in that I am the problem, that my reality is the one that is wrong, that I am untrustworthy, don't support her, that I am a condescending a-hole, that I am "playing the victim" and that I need to change.  That I only tell her that I love her or that she is pretty or sexy to get her to have sex with me or to get her to make dinner. Truth is I am ridiculously attracted to her and can make my own dinner.  When ask her why she doesn't believe me when I say that she is pretty she says that she thinks that I am just "being polite."  When we do things together that she likes, things are usually pretty good but I cannot have a different viewpoint or suggest a different way of doing something without implying that she is incapable or stupid.  I am not sure if I can even gain her trust and she seems so sure that my reality is wrong.

I don't know what to do.  

Hey LC...first welcome to the board.  . I am happy that you found us, but I am sorry you had to seek us out. This is a great resource and we are a family here and will do our best to support you and help you to the best of our abilities.

With having said that I just wanted to make sure that you know we are listening, we are here and present and that you matter.

There is a lot to delve through here and say you have been through the ringer. I am not going to throw out a label or make any guesses here because there could be a lot of factors and variables at play...please keep that in mind.

Additionally, I want you focus on keeping your center...what I mean is that you do not lose sight of your reality. Do not cave in and believe you are wrong here. Keep your head up.

I am personally strapped for time at the moment, but I will check back in on this thread later tonight. Just wanted to respond to you before I got too busy. I am pretty sure others will chime in, but I will be back later.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi LonelyConfused, 

I'd like to join SinisterComplex in welcoming you. I'm glad you found us and reached out via your first post.

Living with a pwBPD is a big challenge. It's not easy, and I am glad to hear that you are in T. I found T to be so helpful-very challenging but definitely helpful. I'm not surprised at the track record you've had in couples T. I was the one who was always blamed as being the problem in my relationship, and I finally had to set a boundary and not go to couples T, but I did continue in my own T. When one partner is not willing to work on themselves, then it won't work well.

I thought of a link that is often helpful and a good tool that we recommend to help increase our ability to be able to communicate with someone who is difficult to interact with:

Communicate- S.E.T.

I have used the SET tool myself and it's helpful.

Again, very glad you are here!
Wools

[SinisterComplex]

Well LC, I have to be honest with you...some of this is ringing a bell here and hitting home in a sense. My ex wife had her own distorted reality so I can say I do indeed understand. Regardless, this isn't about my story this about you and helping you along with your situation and relationship.

It's ok to feel scared, confused, lost, hopeless, and helpless. Feel your feelings...they matter. This is all overwhelming and not for the faint-hearted.

Therapy is definitely something that I believe needs to be continued and it needs to be regularly scheduled. Perhaps look into therapists who specialize in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). With her erratic behavior I do not think medication is going to do Jack S  . To be honest from what you have shared I think all medication could and would do at best is pacify her for a short term but not offer any real improvement.

I am going to echo Woolsy here...I propose that you go to therapy for yourself (I see you mentioned you are doing that or have done that, but I urge you to keep it up).

The unfortunate reality is that she is dealing with problems that cannot be fixed if you just let them go and let time heal her and I am pretty sure you know that for sure at this point. From what I can gather is that she certainly has many repressed emotions that have never been processed and dealt with and that in of itself leads to a host of issues. Hence why I am so against the medication part. Medication suppresses. Well an equation of suppress and repress does not equal success.

You need to work on laying out strong boundaries and you also need to learn how to enforce them. You are going to have to really lead her and not put up with her crap (she knows you love her and you know you love her and you obviously care a great deal so let past actions be enough). That doesn't mean be an a-hole as she accuses you of. No, what you need to practice is to not react. Be firm and indifferent. She will always want to arouse your emotions. You need to focus on keeping your frame and go about your business. If you feed the beast (not her, but what she is dealing with) than you will keep running in a circle and essentially be a hamster on the wheel. The hardest part in learning how to be firm and indifferent and applying it are letting go of the ego, but you have to...the ego is what will work against you in dealing with anyone who has mental health issues.

That is all I have for the time being. I will check back in on you when you have had a chance to respond. Please be kind to yourself and definitely focus on self care...this is vital for you. Don't forget about your health and your life.

Cheers and best wishes! 

-SC-

[bugwaterguy]

Have you read Stop Walking On Eggshells?  It is one of the best resources if you think you might be in a relationship with someone with BPD.

[LonelyConfused]

Thank you all for your responses.

Wools - I will research the S.E.T. tool and see how I can put it to use.

SC - I try to not get spun up into her reality.  It is hard to not try to defend myself.  When she says things that attack my character, I try to tell her that I am sorry that she feels that way, but she responds with "no you don't care." (Maybe S.E.T. can help?) I will make an appointment with my therapist too.  It's been a few weeks and it is always good for me.

BWG - I have listened to Stop Walking on Eggshells.  Strangely enough, my therapist said "I am not diagnosing your wife because I have not met her, but I think that you should read I hate You, Don't Leave Me.  When I looked for that, I ended up finding Stop Walking on Eggshells.  My therapist says to take care of myself first and listening to that book (3 times now) has helped me realize that my reality is fine.

My wife is supposed to start doing therapy with her psychiatrist (at least she will go to get the Rx refilled).  I am not sure when because if I mention it, I am told that it is none of my business. We will see how that goes.  I am going to keep looking for improvements, but I am going to start thinking about how long that I want to wait for improvement to happen.  She seems to want to try sometimes, but seems to quickly forget.  It is truly like being on a rollercoaster.