Engage or Ignore?

[mitten]

My uBPDw has been moping around in a bad mood the last few days.  She isn't really doing anything bad, she's just acting grumpy and like she is mad at me.  I have enough experience to show she was triggered because my family is in town for the holidays (even though they aren't staying with us).  She hasn't said anything about her mood and hasn't complained about anything... but it's just tense around here.  I've been acting like everything is normal and ignoring it, but wondering if I should engage in some way?  Or is it better to ignore the episode until she snaps out of it?   It always ends eventually... 

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bugwaterguy]

When this has happened in the past, how has engaging worked?

(not that BPD folks are predictable - just because it worked before might not mean it will work now)

[mitten]

Well in the past I would try really hard to create peace by doing more chores around the house, trying to reason with her... then 2 years ago (to this day) I discovered BPD and it was eye opening that I didn't create the problem and I probably can't fix it.  I'm afraid that if I engage I might invite a non-productive complaint session- with a bunch or irrational reasons she feels the way she does...  So I don't want to invite that but I'm wondering if I should acknowledge that she isn't being her "normal" self?

[SinisterComplex]

I would suggest to just focus on yourself and be indifferent. Let her come to you. When she does come to you, keep the peace and still be indifferent. The take home is to not let there be an opportunity for high emotion. I do not recommend that you go about things with the idea of telling her that she isn't acting like her normal self...that presents the opportunity for her to take offense and blow things out of proportion. You have to let her work through her own stuff. Go about your business and don't show that it is affecting you. You are there for her and you show support by maintaining your frame and center.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[thankful person]

When my wife is like this, it is best to act normal. For years I struggled with trying to help, trying to find out what was wrong, worrying what I was doing wrong and what I could be doing differently. I now realise that I should have just let her work through her own emotions (something she has told me on many occasions). I knew about bpd when I first got together with my wife seven years ago, but I’m gaining new understanding from being here on the forum the past few months. I’m finally able to just let her be, and it’s creating a much more peaceful (if not always pleasant) environment.

[Husband2014]

I agree with all posters here we well. I learned that the harder I try the worse I make things and the more I back off and just let her process whatever issues she is working through it blows by without fireworks.

[once removed]

the holidays can be stressful. they are for me.

and people with BPD, generally speaking, handle/react to stress worse.

if things are merely tense, i wouldnt read too much into it.

having said that, i would echo bugwaterguy. how does communication around this sort of thing usually work? would she tell you if something were going on that involved you, or if she needed to talk?