The Light Bulb Came On

[mitten]

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of me learning of BPD.  1am on Sunday, January 29th, 2019 I learned about BPD.  My uBPDw had just complained to me in bed that my brother is her least favorite sibling of mine and she doesn’t think he likes her because he never hugs her. This was such a bizarre complaint that it triggered me to Google something about “mood swings and couples coaching” and somehow I landed on a page about BPD.  Hallelujah.  It took me 7 years from the time we started dating to figure it out (and 4.5 years of marriage and a child later).  All the mood swings, impulsive behavior and fears of being alone finally made sense.  Sort of… What a sense of adrenaline and euphoria, a true eureka moment!  The light bulb came on. 

I remember being exhausted the next day from lack of sleep from all the anxiety the late night conversation caused, but I jumped right in and started learning everything I could about BPD.  Dr. Fox on YouTube were some of the first things I listened to on my ear buds while at the gym (the only place I could absorb information without my wife knowing).  A week later I bought the audio book version of Stop Walking on Eggshells and listened to that while doing the dishes or while my wife was breastfeeding, at work, etc.  I would go to a fast food restaurant on my lunch breaks and sit in the car listening to it.  It was amazing that EVERYTHING resonated with me in that book.  Regardless of how much the book resonated with me I was still desperate to figure out how to get my wife diagnosed so I could confirm the cause of all this chaos over the years. 

A few weeks later I built up the courage to talk to a therapist I have through work about BPD.  I remember being so nervous to bring it up but the relief I experienced afterwards was so worth it.  For the next few months months I bought audio book after audio book and absorbed as much information as I could…. Then the COVID-19 pandemic hit like a freight train and I was forced to quarantine for months with my uBPDw…. Somehow I survived…

Fast forward to now, 2 years later.   It feels like it was just yesterday that I discovered BPD, but on the other hand it’s been a long journey.  The biggest change that the discovery of BPD brought for me was simply- understanding.  Now I understand that I’m not the cause of the behavior, I’m not to blame for all of it and I no longer have to wonder what’s going on.  I think this is why I spent the first few months desperate to confirm she had BPD.  I now know why she acts the way she does.  It’s given me permission to not care or engage as much when she is in a bad mood.   I don’t JADE as much and I think it’s paying off. 

I definitely noticed stages of my BPD journey.  I thought they were worth sharing:

First Month - Holy cow I’m not the cause of the behavior I’ve experienced over the past 7 years.  Reading and learning as much as I can.

Second Month - Holy cow I am so angry at my wife for making me think I was the cause of this.  Still obsessed with reading and learning as much as I can.

Third Month -  Can I survive this relationship or is there no hope?  I want to apologize to close friends and family for my behavior when I needed to avoid them to avoid upsetting my uBPDw. (But I haven’t told anyone except my therapist to this day).

Fourth Month - Yes, I can survive this relationship.  I’m in it for the long haul.  I want to get my uBPD in treatment.  I want her diagnosed.  At this point I remember telling my therapist I haven’t made much progress in the last 4 months since I found out about BPD…. If only I realized then that this would be a lifelong learning journey like I now understand.

Fifth Month - Got my wife pregnant with our 2nd child.  We were in quarantine ;)

Six Month - Still absorbing as many books as I can about BPD.  Having a difficult time applying all the concepts because BPD is so counterintuitive.  My mind is spinning for all the BPD information I’ve absorbed and I burn out.  Covid Quarantine and a pregnant uBPDw adds to the stress.  I take a break from reading. 

Past 18 Months - Seeing progress.  I started working on being more assertive.  Thinking about what I want to do for activities, to see friends, to buy things I want to buy, etc.  I still get super nervous about telling her I’m going to see a friend or I want to see a family member, but I’m making progress.  I also try not to JADE.  It’s amazing how changing the subject or not discussing things prevents a lot of the conflict.  I still have a long way to go but I’m seeing an improvement. 

My most recent discovery is that I’m a codependent. I didn’t really realize that until reading the codependency resources on BPD Family in the past month.  So my goal over the next year is to take steps to break free from codependency.

Anyway, thanks for letting me share my journey over the past 2 years and thanks for being a part of my recovery!   I would not have made the progress I’ve made without your help!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hope4Joy]

From your detailed description I wonder - do you journal? If so, can you describe how you got started and what that looks like for you?

I have kind of a cyclical journey with this. I can’t focus on it all the time because it still depresses me and makes me resentful, so you might notice I am in and out of this site.

How do you relate with co-dependency? I started a book on it once that really did not resonate with me, but it sure does seem like it should.

Thanks for sharing your journey.

[mitten]

From your detailed description I wonder - do you journal? If so, can you describe how you got started and what that looks like for you?

I have kind of a cyclical journey with this. I can’t focus on it all the time because it still depresses me and makes me resentful, so you might notice I am in and out of this site.

How do you relate with co-dependency?

Thanks for your comment Hope4Joy.  I don't regularly journal, but at the end of every year I try to take down some notes of what happened in that year.  2020 was huge for me because in early January I learned about BPD so I wrote down some of the emotional stages I went through.  I also meet with a counselor at work on a monthly basis so for that I'll write down a few bullet points of major things I want to talk about and I keep it all in a running list on Google Drive.   

As far as co-dependency goes... I literally JUST learned about what it was through reading this forum...  and it resonated a lot.  One of my goals this year is to work on this.  Any advice? 

*Also, I can relate to BPD info being overwhelming... from time to time I need a break too... In fact, sometimes I come to the forum thinking I want to read a bunch of posts and contribute, but I have to leave because it takes too much emotional energy.

[bugwaterguy]

The best book on codependency I have found is Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad

[Hope4Joy]

Well I definitely related to the Stop Caretaking book, but totally missed the codependency aspect of it. I need to do some more work there.

Has anyone been to the support groups for codependents? I believe there is one local to me but I have no idea how active it is and pretty much would never be brave enough to show face even if I could miraculously explain to uBPDh why I needed to go. I know they are anonymous groups but you can’t go anywhere in my town without someone knowing.

[mitten]

I was just going to say the same thing!  I love the Stop Caretaking book but I didn't even notice the co-dependency element.  I'm guessing it's just intertwined throughout.

I would imagine most in person support groups would be for co-dependent relationships with an alcoholic or someone addicted to drugs?  But I could be wrong.