Lost & confused

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

Long story short..things with my bpd ex / bf has gotten really really bad and has made my life worse, but I can't seem to let him go. He struggles with substance abuse and said he was getting DBT treatment for his bpd, but at the same time he lies a lot about his circumstances.

He has drug court because he stole from his old job (to pay for drugs) and got arrested for it. I also got him arrested twice for stealing from me. After he stole from me, I said I wouldn't go back - but I did.

Last month, when I called the cops on him (2nd time) for not returning my money, he told them I assaulted him, which is not true. That night, we both got arrested. After that terrible experience, I told myself I wouldn't go back - but I did.

He is currently homeless and has been using again, although he lies about both those things. Sh*t the fan (again) when he showed up at my workplace asking for cash - my employers were disturbed and I may have lost my job from it.

He has shown up at my apt demanding to be let in to stay - to which my roommate has threatened to kick me out.

Due to all this craziness, my ability to focus on school as a college student has deteriorated. My mental health has also taken a dive.

Because he was always so jealous and always demanding my attention, I pulled away from friends / family and spending any time with guys that were potential threats to him, isolating myself and feeling worse for it.

Last night, I got fed up again because it seemed like he wasn't trying to improve his circumstances with the free support system he has through insurance (psychiatrist, therapist, social worker, drug counselor, programs, etc.). I told him he was taking me for granted and it seemed like having me wasn't motivating him to do better, but had him comfortable. He told me that he would be worse off without me.

I felt he was used to me helping him and accepting him through everything, so I told him not to call me back until he got a job or stable housing and that I would move forward on my own for now.

He responded with his usual breakup / last text where he said he loved me & to take care, before turning off his phone. Even though I am trying to stick to my boundary on top of the many others I had tried to set, I find myself panicking at the inability to contact him. In the past, he has tried to or has threatened to hurt himself (cutting, OD'ing). I was hoping my ultimatum would motivate him to improve, but instead, he has decided to just end it. I am also not sure if he turned off his phone to emotionally manipulate me or it is his way of cutting off ties completely..

My friends and family are all against this relationship and say that he is dragging me down with him - they warn me that it can get worse such as:
- I start to use substances
- getting an STD
- becoming homeless
- being physically harmed by him

Although I am understanding all the bad from this, I still struggle with not "rescuing" him. I feel that it was good I put my foot down because I wanted him to improve himself before coming back, but it seems he has given up and will not change now because the relationship is over. I can understand that he may have felt overwhelmed because his problems have stacked on so much that he can barely take care of himself in the basic ways - and instead of fighting for us, he has just accepted defeat.

I am trying to distract myself today by reading up on why I struggle so much on letting him go and what to do to ease the panic in me about this "end". We have broken up so many times before and I don't know if this is really the end, but I need some advice and someone to talk to about this. I feel like I am going crazy trying to repress my feelings. It is so easy to be told to move on, but extremely difficult when I am so emotionally attached to him.

I had met him when he was at the peak of his life & I have been holding onto the hope that he would get back there..unfortunately, he seems to regress more & more. The idea of moving on is painful even though it would be "healthier". I would greatly appreciate any words of wisdom but most importantly some support on this - my friends & family are tired of hearing about him and just say to cut him off. I would very much like to hear from people who have experienced similar situations because I am feeling very alone through all this.

Thanks for reading..hope to hear back from someone soon.

[Delilah1231]

Hi,

Long story short..things with my bpd ex / bf has gotten really really bad and has made my life worse, but I can't seem to let him go. He struggles with substance abuse and said he was getting DBT treatment for his bpd, but at the same time he lies a lot about his circumstances.

He has drug court because he stole from his old job (to pay for drugs) and got arrested for it. I also got him arrested twice for stealing from me. After he stole from me, I said I wouldn't go back - but I did.

Last month, when I called the cops on him (2nd time) for not returning my money, he told them I assaulted him, which is not true. That night, we both got arrested. After that terrible experience, I told myself I wouldn't go back - but I did.

He is currently homeless and has been using again, although he lies about both those things. Sh*t the fan (again) when he showed up at my workplace asking for cash - my employers were disturbed and I may have lost my job from it.

He has shown up at my apt demanding to be let in to stay - to which my roommate has threatened to kick me out.

Due to all this craziness, my ability to focus on school as a college student has deteriorated. My mental health has also taken a dive.

Because he was always so jealous and always demanding my attention, I pulled away from friends / family and spending any time with guys that were potential threats to him, isolating myself and feeling worse for it.

Last night, I got fed up again because it seemed like he wasn't trying to improve his circumstances with the free support system he has through insurance (psychiatrist, therapist, social worker, drug counselor, programs, etc.). I told him he was taking me for granted and it seemed like having me wasn't motivating him to do better, but had him comfortable. He told me that he would be worse off without me.

I felt he was used to me helping him and accepting him through everything, so I told him not to call me back until he got a job or stable housing and that I would move forward on my own for now.

He responded with his usual breakup / last text where he said he loved me & to take care, before turning off his phone. Even though I am trying to stick to my boundary on top of the many others I had tried to set, I find myself panicking at the inability to contact him. In the past, he has tried to or has threatened to hurt himself (cutting, OD'ing). I was hoping my ultimatum would motivate him to improve, but instead, he has decided to just end it. I am also not sure if he turned off his phone to emotionally manipulate me or it is his way of cutting off ties completely..

My friends and family are all against this relationship and say that he is dragging me down with him - they warn me that it can get worse such as:
- I start to use substances
- getting an STD
- becoming homeless
- being physically harmed by him

Although I am understanding all the bad from this, I still struggle with not "rescuing" him. I feel that it was good I put my foot down because I wanted him to improve himself before coming back, but it seems he has given up and will not change now because the relationship is over. I can understand that he may have felt overwhelmed because his problems have stacked on so much that he can barely take care of himself in the basic ways - and instead of fighting for us, he has just accepted defeat.

I am trying to distract myself today by reading up on why I struggle so much on letting him go and what to do to ease the panic in me about this "end". We have broken up so many times before and I don't know if this is really the end, but I need some advice and someone to talk to about this. I feel like I am going crazy trying to repress my feelings. It is so easy to be told to move on, but extremely difficult when I am so emotionally attached to him.

I had met him when he was at the peak of his life & I have been holding onto the hope that he would get back there..unfortunately, he seems to regress more & more. The idea of moving on is painful even though it would be "healthier". I would greatly appreciate any words of wisdom but most importantly some support on this - my friends & family are tired of hearing about him and just say to cut him off. I would very much like to hear from people who have experienced similar situations because I am feeling very alone through all this.

Thanks for reading..hope to hear back from someone soon.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Delilah1231]

-

[bugwaterguy]

Things sound pretty rough.  It sounds like you know things are bad - but you have an innate desire to help people.  I do too.  And I realized that many of the things I thought I was doing to help, were actually making things worse.

Are you in therapy?

Have you read any of the BPD books?  They really help decide what decisions you need to make to help both your ex, and yourself.

From what you have said, you might want to start with Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad

[Cat Familiar]

Have your previous attempts to rescue him resulted in any improvements? What would be different now?

What about rescuing him makes you feel better about yourself?

[Delilah1231]

Things sound pretty rough.  It sounds like you know things are bad - but you have an innate desire to help people.  I do too.  And I realized that many of the things I thought I was doing to help, were actually making things worse.

Are you in therapy?

Have you read any of the BPD books?  They really help decide what decisions you need to make to help both your ex, and yourself.

From what you have said, you might want to start with Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad

Yeah I am in therapy..We have discussed codependency & my need to be a caretaker. I do see now that I had been enabling him by helping him avoid the consequences of his actions..

Thanks, I will look for that book.

A new update:
- I called him last night to tell him he cannot show up at my workplace or apartment anymore. He said he understood & wouldn't show up (or else I could lose both).
- I also told him I could not see him or call him until he made improvements to being stable (i.e. getting a job, stable housing, inpatient program, etc.) he said he understood but that he felt like we would drift apart more (fear of abandonment). I told him I was still here, but that I was taking a step back for him to do the work on his own (with his professional support system) but that I would be waiting for him. He said he would call back when he had good news.
- I tried calling him today to check in on him but he has blocked me. I am not completely sure why & it's hurtful. Can anyone share why they think he blocked me when he was the one who did not want to reduce contact but now has further diminished communication?

[Delilah1231]

Have your previous attempts to rescue him resulted in any improvements? What would be different now?

What about rescuing him makes you feel better about yourself?

I have a subconscious need to be a caretaker since I had been in that role since I was a child - it is now something I am unlearning so that I can be loved for who I am & not what I do for others.

In this case, I felt special because he needed me so much & I could provide that relief for him - I was the one who always understood him when everyone scorned him. Honestly, I still feel that way now, but I also know I cannot enable him or ruin my own future to "save" him.

I have decided to set a firm boundary where I am taking a step back from rescuing him. I told him he cannot come to me for $ or a place to stay, but that I would be waiting for him when he showed improvement & stability..he said he understood but now he has blocked my number...I don't know if he is telling me to move on

[Couscous]

The blocking is a countermove and also a power play. It’s a way for him to feel like he has some control and an attempt to regain the upper hand, as well as way to punish you for setting boundaries.

Have you considered attending a 12 Step meeting like Al-Anon or ACA to help you with your codependency?

Since you learned how to be a rescuer in childhood this article may resonate with you: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=351385.0

[Delilah1231]

The blocking is a countermove and also a power play. It’s a way for him to feel like he has some control and an attempt to regain the upper hand, as well as way to punish you for setting boundaries.

Have you considered attending a 12 Step meeting like Al-Anon or ACA to help you with your codependency?

Since you learned how to be a rescuer in childhood this article may resonate with you: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=351385.0

What is the intention of this countermove /power play? To get me to give in? I am not sure how to respond to it appropriately. A part of me wants to call his bluff & tell him i will just cut him off completely, or keep reaching out until he responds, or ignore it & wait for him to reach out

I tried some AL-Anon groups & I did not feel like i belonged

Thank you for sharing that article..I completely related to it, especially because I am still unlearning my rescuer role & turning the attention on me. I do feel powerless & great anxiety if someone I care about is in distress & my immediate impulse is to "save" them instead of focusing on me.

[Couscous]

I also told him I could not see him or call him until he made improvements to being stable (i.e. getting a job, stable housing, inpatient program, etc.)

He said he would call back when he had good news.
 

I re-read your previous posts and I think you already have your answer. My T suggested that I email her every time I had the urge to contact my pwBPD. Perhaps this could be something to discuss doing with your T?    

I personally didn't love the first ACA meeting I attended, and I'm not sure how many different chapters you have tried, but I know it's recommended to try at least six. There is also SMART recovery and a couple of other secular recovery organizations that could be a better fit.  

[Delilah1231]

I re-read your previous posts and I think you already have your answer. My T suggested that I email her every time I had the urge to contact my pwBPD. Perhaps this could be something to discuss doing with your T?    

I personally didn't love the first ACA meeting I attended, and I'm not sure how many different chapters you have tried, but I know it's recommended to try at least six. There is also SMART recovery and a couple of other secular recovery organizations that could be a better fit.  

Yes, most of all I do need someone to talk to / not be alone when all I want to do is reach out to him..I guess it was selfish of me to try to reach out to him when I was supposed to wait for him to reach out himself, I just wasn't expecting him to block me when he was the one who wanted more contact with me...I guess I have trouble coping with this anxiety that is keeping me on edge & need to learn to get through it

I have trouble participating in a group setting, so forums like this are better for me

[Couscous]

It’s totally natural to want to reach out and it’s normal to be experiencing separation anxiety — even more so if you have developed a trauma bond.

Have you read any books on codependency?

[Delilah1231]

It’s totally natural to want to reach out and it’s normal to be experiencing separation anxiety — even more so if you have developed a trauma bond.

Have you read any books on codependency?

It's frustrating that he decided to block me, but I guess that was the attitude I was giving him, that I wouldn't call him on my own. Still.. It hurts & I keep wanting to reach out. It's a very difficult urge to resist

Do you have any books that you can recommend?

Any suggestions on how to handle this separation anxiety would be much appreciated. This is affecting my ability to function..eat, sleep, think, etc. This worry / anxiety is draining me..

[Cat Familiar]

Codependent No More is a great book on codependency. Check out the link and see if it might be of interest to you.

[Couscous]

Rhonda Freeman is a good resource for recovery from a relationship with a personality disordered person. https://neuroinstincts.com/the-trauma-bond/

I also recommend trying the amino acids DL-phenylalanine, Tryptophan or 5-HTP, and St John’s Wort or Gaba which I learned about in the book The Mood Cure.

And Google the term ‘urge surfing’.

[once removed]

it helps that youre pretty aware of tendencies that dont help.

i have lots of my own. a big one is coming on too strong in the early stages of a relationship.

one of the things i have learned in my life, time and time again, is that doing these things, accepting these things, and working with these things, that make you feel uncomfortable, ultimately yield greater self control, and comfort.

in other words, the more you dont act on your urge to resolve things, to be in contact, to undo his blocking, the more control over these urges you ultimately gain...short term, and long term. it can be a little bit like a leap of faith. taking it builds your faith.

as i read your OP, there is not one particular move you need to make or not make that is key to either getting him back, or resolving your anxiety. there isnt the urgency of "this must be done".

the hard thing is that you love someone who is in a pretty bad way.

if theres a silver lining, its that sometimes substance abuse is intuitively easier to understand than BPD.

the fact is, that no matter how much work you do (and you should), substance abuse is a major road block, and one you have very little power over. it can make liars of honest and decent people. it can upend stable lives.

therapeutically speaking, its why it tends to be the primary focus before anything else.

i can tell you that tough love wont work. threats or ultimatums wont motivate him. increasing or decreasing your attachment wont motivate him.

on some level, its important to treat him as you might, say, a family member. to be loving, but to be firm, and self protective.

and to do that, its really critical to be in that sort of mental space where you can be consistent. that will require a certain balance when it comes to interacting with him.

this was written for family members but is highly relevant: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

[alterK]

It took me a while to acknowledge to myself that my W of many years ago was an alcoholic. I started going to an Al-anon group then. It wasn’t a perfect fit. The 12-step program felt a little inappropriate to me in that situation. Maybe my failing, but whatever…

Two things, though, made it worthwhile. First was the companionship of people struggling with the same issues as I was. Second was those little books of quotes and stories that are published by the national organizations, that you can buy for a few dollars. Some of those stories really clicked.

Getting away from the role of rescuer is very difficult. Often there’s a lot at stake. Someone you’ve cared about could end up in the gutter, or worse. And then you feel guilty. Even after you know for certain you can’t really save an addicted person or get them to give up their addiction, it is still a wrenching thing to see them declining and suffering. So you decide it’s better to rescue them one more time than to let them continue in this awful state.

That’s why you need support. People on this forum really do care and can be helpful, but there’s nothing like face-to-face support from others who are in the same boat as you. In all but the most remote communities there will be more than one Nar-anon or Al-anon group. If one doesn’t seem to be a good fit for you, there may be another that is.

[Delilah1231]

Hi once removed,

---New update---

He has been in & out of psych wards since I last posted. His reasoning is that he needs medical adjustments to deal with his depression (+ substance abuse, anxiety, PTSD, etc.), but I believe it's because he is homeless (but pretends he is not).

Because I cannot bear to cut myself from him completely, I moved a boundary a bit to stay in touch through calls but not in person until he gains a form of stability - housing, employment, therapy program. Ever since then, he has tried holding on tighter - professing his love, his will to change & stay sober, how he can't live without me, etc. Part of me knows this is wishful thinking from both of us as he is unlikely to gain any stable footing for a while - months, if not years at least :/

it helps that youre pretty aware of tendencies that dont help.

I am definitely trying to stay more aware of them & what I can do to help myself out of the same cycle

i have lots of my own. a big one is coming on too strong in the early stages of a relationship.

Thanks for sharing. My codependency drove me to unhealthily attempt to control him: once even by monitoring his spending & allowance with his parents' permission nonetheless! But as any expert will tell you, addicts will spend any cash on hand for drugs - which he did & tried to hide..It got to the point where his parents & I gave up on that & just cut him off. Besides inadvertently enabling him (still giving him $), I got stressed from having this responsibility & seeing how f*cked up it is to have to monitor your partner's financials..Instead,I need someone capable enough to do that for themselves.

one of the things i have learned in my life, time and time again, is that doing these things, accepting these things, and working with these things, that make you feel uncomfortable, ultimately yield greater self control, and comfort.

in other words, the more you dont act on your urge to resolve things, to be in contact, to undo his blocking, the more control over these urges you ultimately gain...short term, and long term. it can be a little bit like a leap of faith. taking it builds your faith.

as i read your OP, there is not one particular move you need to make or not make that is key to either getting him back, or resolving your anxiety. there isnt the urgency of "this must be done".  

- I sure hope so I have been pushing myself to cope in healthier ways & praising myself for breaking bad habits which attempt to ease my short-term anxiety but do not resolve it in the long term. Coming onto this forum to share my story was one of those steps, & I am ever so grateful to have found this community.

the hard thing is that you love someone who is in a pretty bad way.

if theres a silver lining, its that sometimes substance abuse is intuitively easier to understand than BPD.

the fact is, that no matter how much work you do (and you should), substance abuse is a major road block, and one you have very little power over. it can make liars of honest and decent people. it can upend stable lives.

therapeutically speaking, its why it tends to be the primary focus before anything else.

i can tell you that tough love wont work. threats or ultimatums wont motivate him. increasing or decreasing your attachment wont motivate him.

on some level, its important to treat him as you might, say, a family member. to be loving, but to be firm, and self protective.

and to do that, its really critical to be in that sort of mental space where you can be consistent. that will require a certain balance when it comes to interacting with him.

this was written for family members but is highly relevant: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

- Yes..I was hoping that putting up this boundary of no in person contact would work in pushing him to improve - which he says has definitely has motivated him to - but I know it is very difficult to change when his BPD is untreated & he is not fully prepared to do so (cannot handle taking care of his basic needs, how can he accomplish the rest?). As much as I want to believe him, I sadly have to rationalize the unlikelihood of what he is promising. I have to keep telling myself "don't count on it" so that the disappointment does not hurt as much when he does fail  

- I really appreciate the link you shared - it was enlightening. I see that perhaps he is not really ready to change, rather he just does not want to lose me & is promising to do whatever I am asking just to keep me. As I understand it, if this is not what he truly wants, then he will likely resist subconsciously from feeling forced into something - which will build resentment - and come out in some other toxic way of venting (relapsing most likely).

What amplifies the pain right now is that I just finished a huge application for a great program yesterday & my birthday is next week. He made promises to celebrate it with me with gifts & surprises (which I doubt he truly has) - when I reminded him about the boundary (of him showing a form of stability), he reassured me that he would "get" something by then. When I told him to be mindful that he may not be able to & that we may possibly celebrate my birthday in person late (or not at all most likely) - he said he did not even want to consider it. I think this is his black & white thinking: he is putting all this pressure into creating an unlikely positive future through sheer will & does not want to accept failure & the potential consequences of it (losing me).

This is the second time he says he applied to DBT programs nearby - I do not know if he is being truthful - beyond that, I have rationally accepted that he will probably relapse again & again to cope with his emotional turmoil - as he has done in the past decade or so. As his mood can change very quickly in response to events, he can be on top of a mountain & fall to the bottom of a well if things do not go the way he wants them to. Instead of understanding that he can only control himself to occasionally unpredictable life events & having to be flexible to changes in our plans, he considers himself a victim of bad luck, poor treatment and ruminates with the belief that "a dark cloud" follows him.

It is painful because I know that truthfully, a part of me really does hope for a miracle, that he will suddenly achieve something soon so I can see him. The pain of not having him be who I need - a supportive and available partner - when I need him has smoldered the passion I previously had for him. Nonetheless, I still anxiously wait for his next call as he has left the hospital last night & cannot be reached (he & his phone are MIA). I cannot change the subconscious attachment I have to him but I am being more mindful & conscious of my actions in response to this. It has been a huge step to not see him (to avoid the sh*tstorm of being around him before he is consistently sober) to temporarily relieve my anxiety. Beyond the bad, I am remembering the good & desperately want to experience it again :'(

In the meantime, I am trying my best to hold onto this boundary because I do not want to let go of him (yet). Thank you for your support & kind words - it really does help.

[alterK]

You cannot make another person change. You can only change yourself. We all tend to keep going around in circles, hoping each time we get back to the beginning things will be different. They won't be. We have to learn different ways of thinking, feeling, relating--and this is never easy. But if we don't, we will never be able to break the patterns that cause us so much misery.

So my suggestion, Delilah, is, Work on yourself! It's hard, but it isn't as hopeless and frustrating as trying to get another person to break out of their destructive habits. Your ex is in a very difficult place. He obviously knows what he needs to do, but he doesn't know how, and the only way he can make progress is if he finds some way that works for him and has the courage to do it.

But you can help yourself. There is nothing wrong with that and nothing to feel guilty about. And actually, it is the only way you have any chance of helping him.

[SinisterComplex]

Yes..I was hoping that putting up this boundary of no in person contact would work in pushing him to improve.

So for future reference this mind set and thinking can become toxic as the thought process is a covert manipulation tactic. You are using a boundary to gain something with this setup. Boundaries are meant to be used to protect yourself nothing more nothing less. There is no hidden agenda of anything to gain from it.

The reason I bring this up is that when you apply boundaries this way they do not have staying power and they do not enforce respect from the other party. Why? Because at some point your intent will come out.

Now with that out of the way I am positive this is not your intent. This is where I would implore you to focus on outcome independence. Release the ideal of an investment in any particular outcome. Let go of the thought that you have any power or control over another's actions. Apply a boundary but be ready to cut bait if someone crosses that boundary. Where I am going with this is doing something without the expectation of a given outcome. Boundaries are for you, not for anyone else.

Hopefully this helps you.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Delilah1231]

Thank you alterK & SinisterComplex,

I have taken into consideration both your words of wisdom to get through this difficult time.

It has been difficult, but I have been focusing more on self-care and trying to heal myself by looking deeper into myself and why I cannot let go of this relationship (reading about codependency, emotional manipulation, attachment styles, etc.). Also, I will be applying to more graduate programs and another job opportunity in the next few weeks. I have reconnected with old friends & am trying to meet them more in person to regrow my healthier relationships.

What is especially difficult though, is that besides talking to my therapist - I have no one else I can share or understand how I feel about all this. My close friends and family do not approve at all of him and are tired of hearing about the chaos & drama that comes with him, so I have stopped bringing him up.

I came back to this forum now because I had not heard from him in the past few days.

To be honest SinisterComplex, you are absolutely right about a boundary not being respected due to an intent to force change onto another. Also, because it was extremely painful for me to not see him, it became increasingly difficult to hold up the boundary.

[Delilah1231]

In my attempt to update on this rollercoaster, here I go:

The day after I last posted (mid-January), I was very low. It had been nearly 3 weeks since I had seen him in person & then not hearing from him for 2 days (through phone when he had been calling every day) really broke me down. Regardless, I eventually pushed myself that Sunday to run the errands I have planned, as to try to stay busy & not linger in my sadness.

I don't know if I would it serendipity or a random stroke of luck, but on my way back home after completing all my errands, I ran into him..I was extremely taken aback..It felt like he had materialized out of my sheer desire to see him & I broke down crying. We both sobbed & shared how hard it had been for the both of us being apart for so long. He claimed he had been sober over the past 3 weeks & really really wanted to find stability for us to be together.

I have to admit - I could not let him go at that point, and in breaking my own boundary - I ended up spending the next 5 days with him. Because he did not have a stable place to stay, I had booked a room at a cheap hotel for us to stay together that one night, but I found myself renewing the stay over the next several days, because I did not want to let him go again.

It was also my birthday was that week, & I wanted to spend it with him (while ignoring my anxiety about reality he was in - he had no stable housing, money/employment & his clothes were filthy). The first 3 days were pretty blissful - unfortunately, I still had to work so I had to leave and come back only at night to spend with him, but in my mind, it was what I wanted. I think I was pretending things were okay, when I knew they truly were not.

Day 4 & 5 was when it turned bad. On that 4th night, it really began to wear me down being around him as a caretaker - covering all the expenses, getting him new clothes, have his current clothes washed, while still going to work..In a way I felt like his mother, which was exhausting

I was also frustrated that it seemed he was just lounging around all day waiting for me to come back - this was flattering & endearing for a bit, like a puppy waiting for its owner to return - but he is a grown adult! He didn't spend the time attending his therapy sessions (if he was ever even enrolled or attended at all), looking for jobs or reaching out to social welfare programs as I had recommended to him. I know I could not force him to change, but I had hoped he would be motivated now that he saw how much I was committed to being with him & reducing some stress for the time being by providing a safe place for us to stay together.

That night, I couldn't fall asleep while holding in all this frustration & he could tell I was upset. I couldn't sleep and when I saw it was 5am, I suddenly decided I should just go home instead of disturbing him by being up from moving around the room. When he saw that, he was upset & said he was leaving too. I immediately got scared (because I had no way of being in touch with him without his phone) & told him I just wanted him to rest peacefully. He said he couldn't without me there. We talked, stayed & fell asleep sometime in the early morning (while I still had work in the afternoon).

Before I left for work, he told me he would meet me after work at a designated time & spot (because I could not reach him otherwise). After work, I waited there for him & he did not show. Concerned, I called the hotel front desk to ask them if he was still in the room & if could they relay that I was looking for him. Turns out he had fallen asleep & without an alarm, he slept through our meeting time. If the front desk person had not gone to check on him, he would have continued to stay sleep.

From the lack of sleep & waiting out in the cold, I was pissed & started heading home. He called me from the front desk, explained & apologized, but I said I was tired of the bullsh*t & was going home. He calmly asked me to meet him back at the hotel to talk - when I said no, he said he would check out of the hotel then. Because I had already paid & could not get a refund, I told him he might as well stay & rest there. He adamantly said he would not stay there without me. After a few minutes, I calmed down & headed back near the hotel to meet him.

----Moments like this, I know I have every right to be upset, but it was difficult for me to reject him for failing to show up when he had stayed up the night before to comfort me, I was exhausted too, so I understood---

I was still upset & tried to move past it, but it was clear the tension was still there. I barely spoke & he started rambling to fill the silence. He told me he had bumped into a familiar face from his drug counseling group - which seemed to lift his mood. Strangely enough, his "friend" Adam was in the hotel lobby when we returned. I did not think much of it at the time, but Adam turned out to be more important than I realized later on.

[Delilah1231]

On that 5th night, besides me being upset that he did not show when he said he would - to which I told him that he was unreliable - This led back to an old argument about me branching out to other people when I found him unreliable, & he started to pick a fight with me saying he could not accept me doing that to him again. He often cycles back to old arguments & they never seem to get resolved because he cannot see my point of view, just that he was hurt & how wrong it was for me to have said or done something to cause that pain. He said he was leaving & instead of arguing back, I started to pack my things & got dressed. I decided it was better to go home than to argue with him over his feelings - sometimes we dont see eye to eye because I tend to be more of a rational - logical thinker. After he saw I was about to go, he said he was just upset about it being our last night at the hotel together & he didn't know how to cope with the distress of not knowing when we would see each other again. The past 3 weeks had been awful for me & I can only imagine how much pain it was for him on top of the stress of barely surviving without the basics out in the cold streets, so I could understand his sentiment.

He told me not to leave, saying it was not unsafe to go home so late (~ midnight). He said if I really wanted to go, he would accompany me to make sure I made it back safely. He got me a cup of ice water & proceeded to help to take off my shoes.

Upon seeing how unsure I was, he would give me some space to feel better & would be in the lobby for about an hour before returning. Unsure how to process his quick change of attitude while sleep deprived, I unpacked & tried to sleep. Two hours later, he was still not back & I was too anxious to sleep. I went to the lobby to look for him, but he was not there. I asked the front desk & they said he had left an hour ago after calling someone from their desk.

Suspicious that he might be out using again (after he said he would stay sober) due to our fight - his response to conflicts tends to be using substances to "calm" down or to "feel better" - I decided to head home once & for all. At that point, it was close to 3am & I called a car to take me back.

Once I got home, I felt less anxious being in a more familiar, safe space, but still worried since he had not contacted me. I tried to sleep, but kept waking up every few hours. In an attempt to ease my anxiety, whenever I woke up, I called the front desk to ask if he had returned.
---------------I am going to pause here for now because I feel like there is already a lot to unpack here, but there is definitely more to the story ---------