Conflicted about ending bpd relationship

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi,

Long story short..things with my bpd ex / bf has gotten really really bad and has made my life worse, but I can't seem to let him go. He struggles with substance abuse and said he was getting DBT treatment for his bpd, but at the same time he lies a lot about his circumstances.

He has drug court because he stole from his old job (to pay for drugs) and got arrested for it. I also got him arrested twice for stealing from me. After he stole from me, I said I wouldn't go back - but I did.

Last month, when I called the cops on him (2nd time) for not returning my money, he told them I assaulted him, which is not true. That night, we both got arrested. After that terrible experience, I told myself I wouldn't go back - but I did.

He is currently homeless and has been using again, although he lies about both those things. Sh*t the fan (again) when he showed up at my workplace asking for cash - my employers were disturbed and I may have lost my job from it.

He has shown up at my apt demanding to be let in to stay - to which my roommate has threatened to kick me out.

Due to all this craziness, my ability to focus on school as a college student has deteriorated. My mental health has also taken a dive.

Because he was always so jealous and always demanding my attention, I pulled away from friends / family and spending any time with guys that were potential threats to him, isolating myself and feeling worse for it.

Last night, I got fed up again because it seemed like he wasn't trying to improve his circumstances with the free support system he has through insurance (psychiatrist, therapist, social worker, drug counselor, programs, etc.). I told him he was taking me for granted and it seemed like having me wasn't motivating him to do better, but had him comfortable. He told me that he would be worse off without me.

I felt he was used to me helping him and accepting him through everything, so I told him not to call me back until he got a job or stable housing and that I would move forward on my own for now.

He responded with his usual breakup / last text where he said he loved me & to take care, before turning off his phone. Even though I am trying to stick to my boundary on top of the many others I had tried to set, I find myself panicking at the inability to contact him. In the past, he has tried to or has threatened to hurt himself (cutting, OD'ing). I was hoping my ultimatum would motivate him to improve, but instead, he has decided to just end it. I am also not sure if he turned off his phone to emotionally manipulate me or it is his way of cutting off ties completely..

My friends and family are all against this relationship and say that he is dragging me down with him - they warn me that it can get worse such as:
- I start to use substances
- getting an STD
- becoming homeless
- being physically harmed by him

Although I am understanding all the bad from this, I still struggle with not "rescuing" him. I feel that it was good I put my foot down because I wanted him to improve himself before coming back, but it seems he has given up and will not change now because the relationship is over. I can understand that he may have felt overwhelmed because his problems have stacked on so much that he can barely take care of himself in the basic ways - and instead of fighting for us, he has just accepted defeat.

I am trying to distract myself today by reading up on why I struggle so much on letting him go and what to do to ease the panic in me about this "end". We have broken up so many times before and I don't know if this is really the end, but I need some advice and someone to talk to about this. I feel like I am going crazy trying to repress my feelings. It is so easy to be told to move on, but extremely difficult when I am so emotionally attached to him.

I had met him when he was at the peak of his life & I have been holding onto the hope that he would get back there..unfortunately, he seems to regress more & more. The idea of moving on is painful even though it would be "healthier". I would greatly appreciate any words of wisdom but most importantly some support on this - my friends & family are tired of hearing about him and just say to cut him off. I would very much like to hear from people who have experienced similar situations because I am feeling very alone through all this.

Thanks for reading..hope to hear back from someone soon.

[Delilah1231]

Hi,

Long story short..things with my bpd ex / bf has gotten really really bad and has made my life worse, but I can't seem to let him go. He struggles with substance abuse and said he was getting DBT treatment for his bpd, but at the same time he lies a lot about his circumstances.

He has drug court because he stole from his old job (to pay for drugs) and got arrested for it. I also got him arrested twice for stealing from me. After he stole from me, I said I wouldn't go back - but I did.

Last month, when I called the cops on him (2nd time) for not returning my money, he told them I assaulted him, which is not true. That night, we both got arrested. After that terrible experience, I told myself I wouldn't go back - but I did.

He is currently homeless and has been using again, although he lies about both those things. Sh*t the fan (again) when he showed up at my workplace asking for cash - my employers were disturbed and I may have lost my job from it.

He has shown up at my apt demanding to be let in to stay - to which my roommate has threatened to kick me out.

Due to all this craziness, my ability to focus on school as a college student has deteriorated. My mental health has also taken a dive.

Because he was always so jealous and always demanding my attention, I pulled away from friends / family and spending any time with guys that were potential threats to him, isolating myself and feeling worse for it.

Last night, I got fed up again because it seemed like he wasn't trying to improve his circumstances with the free support system he has through insurance (psychiatrist, therapist, social worker, drug counselor, programs, etc.). I told him he was taking me for granted and it seemed like having me wasn't motivating him to do better, but had him comfortable. He told me that he would be worse off without me.

I felt he was used to me helping him and accepting him through everything, so I told him not to call me back until he got a job or stable housing and that I would move forward on my own for now.

He responded with his usual breakup / last text where he said he loved me & to take care, before turning off his phone. Even though I am trying to stick to my boundary on top of the many others I had tried to set, I find myself panicking at the inability to contact him. In the past, he has tried to or has threatened to hurt himself (cutting, OD'ing). I was hoping my ultimatum would motivate him to improve, but instead, he has decided to just end it. I am also not sure if he turned off his phone to emotionally manipulate me or it is his way of cutting off ties completely..

My friends and family are all against this relationship and say that he is dragging me down with him - they warn me that it can get worse such as:
- I start to use substances
- getting an STD
- becoming homeless
- being physically harmed by him

Although I am understanding all the bad from this, I still struggle with not "rescuing" him. I feel that it was good I put my foot down because I wanted him to improve himself before coming back, but it seems he has given up and will not change now because the relationship is over. I can understand that he may have felt overwhelmed because his problems have stacked on so much that he can barely take care of himself in the basic ways - and instead of fighting for us, he has just accepted defeat.

I am trying to distract myself today by reading up on why I struggle so much on letting him go and what to do to ease the panic in me about this "end". We have broken up so many times before and I don't know if this is really the end, but I need some advice and someone to talk to about this. I feel like I am going crazy trying to repress my feelings. It is so easy to be told to move on, but extremely difficult when I am so emotionally attached to him.

I had met him when he was at the peak of his life & I have been holding onto the hope that he would get back there..unfortunately, he seems to regress more & more. The idea of moving on is painful even though it would be "healthier". I would greatly appreciate any words of wisdom but most importantly some support on this - my friends & family are tired of hearing about him and just say to cut him off. I would very much like to hear from people who have experienced similar situations because I am feeling very alone through all this.

Thanks for reading..hope to hear back from someone soon.

[BigOof]

Although I am understanding all the bad from this, I still struggle with not "rescuing" him.

Do you know why you still want to rescue him? Have you spoken to a therapist about it?

[ThanksForPlaying]

I too am currently with someone who I met at the "peak of their life" and things have gotten steadily worse. Much of this is because I provide so much support and "saving" that keeps pwBPD from facing real consequences like jail, homelessness, hospitalization. It's hard.

Hugs.

[ForeverDad]

Time for a visit to The Bridge analogy.  (<---Click the link)

I worry that the professionals who tried to help you in the past have concluded that you're a "revolving door" victim.  What is that?  Where you the victim seek help when things are bad but then eventually you go right back to the mess.  Problem is, they will be less inclined to go out of their way to help you once they see this repeated pattern.

About that second visit where I played the recording and the officer warned to not to shrink back and withdraw my statement...

You will feel all sorts of emotions in the next days and weeks.  But don't fret overmuch.  You don't have to decide day by day to change your path.  You made a decision based in information, patterns and your increased knowledge overall of your family's circumstances.  Stick with it, you didn't make this decision lightly, you did it for a reason.  Here's some practical advice from my experience over 15 years ago...

Another piece of advice is that once you've called for help or made a report, you will be pressured to cancel or withdraw it.  Most likely the offender, but possibly too well-meaning but clueless friends or relatives.  I recall what the police officer told me when I made my first report (and she was thereafter charged with Threat of DV)...

When I made my police report about now-ex's Threat of DV, the officer warned me, he had seen this before, that dropping the matter would not make things better.

I've also commented that you'll get better response from officials if you follow through on your calls for help.  If you ponder the situation, you can imagine police getting a call to respond to your address and one remarking to the other, "Oh, I know that address.  No rush.  Ms Waffle always calls for help but then retracts her complaints later."  You don't want a reputation as a revolving door litigant.  If it is a serious matter, follow through on the process.

[Delilah1231]

Do you know why you still want to rescue him? Have you spoken to a therapist about it?

Yeah I am in therapy..We have discussed codependency & my need to be a caretaker. I do see now that I had been enabling him by helping him avoid the consequences of his actions..

I have a subconscious need to be a caretaker since I had been in that role since I was a child - it is now something I am unlearning so that I can be loved for who I am & not what I do for others.

In this case, I felt special because he needed me so much & I could provide that relief for him - I was the one who always understood him when everyone scorned him. Honestly, I still feel that way now, but I also know I cannot enable him or ruin my own future to "save" him.

[Delilah1231]

I too am currently with someone who I met at the "peak of their life" and things have gotten steadily worse. Much of this is because I provide so much support and "saving" that keeps pwBPD from facing real consequences like jail, homelessness, hospitalization. It's hard.

Hugs.

I have decided to set a firm boundary where I am taking a step back from rescuing him. I told him he cannot come to me for $ or a place to stay, but that I would be waiting for him when he showed improvement & stability..he said he understood but now he has blocked my number...I don't know if he is telling me to move on

[Delilah1231]

Time for a visit to The Bridge analogy.  (<---Click the link)

I worry that the professionals who tried to help you in the past have concluded that you're a "revolving door" victim.  What is that?  Where you the victim seek help when things are bad but then eventually you go right back to the mess.  Problem is, they will be less inclined to go out of their way to help you once they see this repeated pattern.

I've also commented that you'll get better response from officials if you follow through on your calls for help.  If you ponder the situation, you can imagine police getting a call to respond to your address and one remarking to the other, "Oh, I know that address.  No rush.  Ms Waffle always calls for help but then retracts her complaints later."  You don't want a reputation as a revolving door litigant.  If it is a serious matter, follow through on the process.

I understand what you mean. When I had filed my first police report against him for stealing, the officer told me to block him or else it would keep happening.

The 2nd time I called the police on him, that first officer showed up at the scene & remembered me. He basically said "I told you so".

I did not drop either charges on him - although he did return the $ both times after. So will face the criminal charges for it - he needs to see that I will & have held him accountable for his actions.

Regardless, I see what you mean. If I keep taking him back in the state that he is in, I am walking into the fire on my own & burning myself. People will stop trying to help or listen to it since I am doing it to myself.

[Delilah1231]

Hi,

Long story short..things with my bpd ex / bf has gotten really really bad and has made my life worse, but I can't seem to let him go. He struggles with substance abuse and said he was getting DBT treatment for his bpd, but at the same time he lies a lot about his circumstances.

He has drug court because he stole from his old job (to pay for drugs) and got arrested for it. I also got him arrested twice for stealing from me. After he stole from me, I said I wouldn't go back - but I did.

Last month, when I called the cops on him (2nd time) for not returning my money, he told them I assaulted him, which is not true. That night, we both got arrested. After that terrible experience, I told myself I wouldn't go back - but I did.

He is currently homeless and has been using again, although he lies about both those things. Sh*t the fan (again) when he showed up at my workplace asking for cash - my employers were disturbed and I may have lost my job from it.

He has shown up at my apt demanding to be let in to stay - to which my roommate has threatened to kick me out.

Due to all this craziness, my ability to focus on school as a college student has deteriorated. My mental health has also taken a dive.

Because he was always so jealous and always demanding my attention, I pulled away from friends / family and spending any time with guys that were potential threats to him, isolating myself and feeling worse for it.

Last night, I got fed up again because it seemed like he wasn't trying to improve his circumstances with the free support system he has through insurance (psychiatrist, therapist, social worker, drug counselor, programs, etc.). I told him he was taking me for granted and it seemed like having me wasn't motivating him to do better, but had him comfortable. He told me that he would be worse off without me.

I felt he was used to me helping him and accepting him through everything, so I told him not to call me back until he got a job or stable housing and that I would move forward on my own for now.

He responded with his usual breakup / last text where he said he loved me & to take care, before turning off his phone. Even though I am trying to stick to my boundary on top of the many others I had tried to set, I find myself panicking at the inability to contact him. In the past, he has tried to or has threatened to hurt himself (cutting, OD'ing). I was hoping my ultimatum would motivate him to improve, but instead, he has decided to just end it. I am also not sure if he turned off his phone to emotionally manipulate me or it is his way of cutting off ties completely..

My friends and family are all against this relationship and say that he is dragging me down with him - they warn me that it can get worse such as:
- I start to use substances
- getting an STD
- becoming homeless
- being physically harmed by him

Although I am understanding all the bad from this, I still struggle with not "rescuing" him. I feel that it was good I put my foot down because I wanted him to improve himself before coming back, but it seems he has given up and will not change now because the relationship is over. I can understand that he may have felt overwhelmed because his problems have stacked on so much that he can barely take care of himself in the basic ways - and instead of fighting for us, he has just accepted defeat.

I am trying to distract myself today by reading up on why I struggle so much on letting him go and what to do to ease the panic in me about this "end". We have broken up so many times before and I don't know if this is really the end, but I need some advice and someone to talk to about this. I feel like I am going crazy trying to repress my feelings. It is so easy to be told to move on, but extremely difficult when I am so emotionally attached to him.

I had met him when he was at the peak of his life & I have been holding onto the hope that he would get back there..unfortunately, he seems to regress more & more. The idea of moving on is painful even though it would be "healthier". I would greatly appreciate any words of wisdom but most importantly some support on this - my friends & family are tired of hearing about him and just say to cut him off. I would very much like to hear from people who have experienced similar situations because I am feeling very alone through all this.

Thanks for reading..hope to hear back from someone soon.

A new update:

I decided to set a firm boundary of taking a step back from rescuing him.

I called him last night to told him he cannot come to me for $ or a place to stay; he cannot show up at my workplace or apartment anymore. He said he understood & wouldn't show up (or else I could lose both).

I also told him I could not see him or call him until he made improvements to being stable (i.e. getting a job, stable housing, inpatient program, etc.), but that I would be waiting for him when he showed improvement & stability.

He said he understood but that he felt like we would drift apart more (fear of abandonment). I told him I was still here, but that I was taking a step back for him to do the work on his own (with his professional support system) but that I would be waiting for him.

He said he would call back when he had good news.

I tried calling him today to check in on him but I found that he has blocked me. I am not completely sure why & it's hurtful. He didn't even say why or that he was going to.

My therapist has said its a form of "punishment" to withhold himself because I put up a boundary he did not like; I think perhaps its his way of trying to get me to give in & put down the boundary. Either way, in the past when he blocked him, he was used to me chasing after him to overcome that "wall" (through crazy loops) to get through to him - in which he would be delighted to hear from me...

Can anyone share why they think he blocked me this time when he was the one who did not want to reduce contact but now has further diminished it himself? Is he trying to tell me to move on?

[SinisterComplex]

So...you have to live your life your way, but you do realize time is not something we ever get back right? What I am seeing here is that you do not value yourself and your time. Now before you take offense understand I am coming from a place of care, not malice. You are putting effort into something that isn't giving back. Remember the hero gets zero!

Who cares what he is thinking. Not your problem and not your responsibility. How about what are you going to do? Are you going to start living your life? Are you going to remain in a holding pattern for no good particular reason?

You have to wake up here and start living your life for you. Life isn't fair, but it is also what you make it. Right now you are making it appear that this is all you deserve. This is the best you can do. I highly doubt that. Someone who can have the patience and kindness that you do certainly is much better and more valuable than you are giving yourself credit for.

Now what you do with this relationship is entirely up to you. You know whats best for you. I would strongly urge you to start working on YOURSELF though. You can't worry about him or fix him. You have to fix yourself first.

Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[ForeverDad]

Who cares what he is thinking. Not your problem and not your responsibility. How about what are you going to do? Are you going to start living your life? Are you going to remain in a holding pattern for no good particular reason?

You have to wake up here and start living your life for you. Life isn't fair, but it is also what you make it. Right now you are making it appear that this is all you deserve. This is the best you can do.

In the old days this would be called "tough love".

He's not a two year old who will soon change his behavior.  This is a life-long pattern, the real him, his personality.  After years of professional support, what real tangible progress has he made.  Sure, in some ways, but years later he's still using and abusing you.

Therapy with serious personality disorders takes years.  You've seen him use those years, for what?  Is he truly on a path to recovery or is he just winging it, putting in just enough show effort to keep stringing you along?

While only you can decide which path you'll take, but in the past some here have commented, "Throw this fish back in the sea, catch another fish that is healthier, with fewer spines and less problematic."

I wonder, if you asked your therapist "what would you do if this were your life situation?" - and if he/she replied - can you guess the response?  (You may have to keep it hypothetical.)

[BigOof]

Block him, too. Spend the time you would waste on him doing some self-care!