The pain lingers

[Kaufmann]

I went no-contact for four months, and the pain didn't go away. Every day painful memories would hit me, so many memories of me learning that she was still lying to me and seeing another man. Every day I would feel the pain of rejection and feel anger towards her. After Christmas, I sent her a message on Facebook, just a "Hey, I hope you're doing well." I don't know why I did that; I think I feared that my no-contact was hurting her, and I wanted her to know that I don't hate her. I think I also hoped that this contact would reduce my pain, like she seemed to keep growing bigger and bigger in my imagination, and I didn't know how to stop it.

I know that I know that I know that I don't want to be in a relationship with her. She's all about herself; she's really mean to me. I know that my healing can only happen if I start to love myself. I'm trying. I'm going to therapy. I want to stop thinking about her. I want the pain to stop.

Also, I'm obsessed with her having sex with this other man. Every sexual thought I have goes back to an image her having sex with him. I feel sexually broken. Is this normal? When I try to have a healthy sexual thought, I think of them having sex. I don't know how to find any healing.

[ACycleWiser]

Also, I'm obsessed with her having sex with this other man. Every sexual thought I have goes back to an image her having sex with him. I feel sexually broken. Is this normal? When I try to have a healthy sexual thought, I think of them having sex. I don't know how to find any healing.

I wondered about this, but i think sex for you and sex for a BPD is different. It's intense for both parties, but i has a different use on each side. To you it may have felt that this was something special, unique, like a very special gift in which she totally surrendered herself to you. But on her side the intensity and perfect perfomance is needed to sway abandonment fears and bind you to her, meanwhile producing the hormones that temporary fills that BPD inner void and makes the in the moment connection. It's a drug.

Psychologically I almost compare it with a re-birth experience during idealization as it is so physically intense, together with the mirroring, for both sides. But we all know after birth from the comfy womb, things get real and the addiction starts wearing off. This is where non-bpds evolve to a state of deeper intimacy, for a BPD that is a no go.

And that will be similar in those new relationships too, so that sex was never "exclusive" to you, although it was suggested like that no doubt.

[Goosey]

Hang in there. It gets easier. I know it feels it never will my friend I was there believe you me. Lean on family, friends, a therapist. I needed lots of support. People will surprise you with their ability to lend an ear. Vent here, Lots of caring voices. Helped me heal.
   

[brighter future]

I wondered about this, but i think sex for you and sex for a BPD is different. It's intense for both parties, but i has a different use on each side. To you it may have felt that this was something special, unique, like a very special gift in which she totally surrendered herself to you. But on her side the intensity and perfect perfomance is needed to sway abandonment fears and bind you to her, meanwhile producing the hormones that temporary fills that BPD inner void and makes the in the moment connection. It's a drug.

My ex admitted to me that she used others before me for sex because it "gave her comfort in times of pain." According to her, it was different with me, and she didn't want things with me to be like the others. Funny thing is, she discarded me for the guy she was sleeping with after she left her ex-husband. She discarded this guy for me. I realized at that point things weren't really any different with me than they were with the others. It's a never ending cycle that I no longer want any part of.   

[rob66]

Instead of writing her asking her how she is, write her and tell her how YOU feel about her. We try to make excuses for our exwBPD based on their trauma histories and disorders. This is a good start because it shows that we have compassion, and despite how much we were hurt by their horrible behavior. However, there is still so much we need to let release about how WE feel; about how hurt WE were by their behavior. Their mental condition is not an excuse for their terrible behavior. I went no contact for 4 months with my ex, but, like you, the feelings and thoughts of her did not go away. It was only until I wrote her about two weeks ago, and let her know what a terrible person she is, that there was no excuse for her behavior (because she was intentional in how hurtful she was), that even if she didn't acknowledge her condition I did ... I laid it all on the line with her. My tone was neutral, but firm. I did not use any pejoratives or foul language (this is important). It was amazing how much of a release this was. In the two weeks since I sent that email, I have made the most progress in terms of my healing. It was as if a massive weight had been dropped. In terms of her and another guy, you need to stop that. That goes nowhere. Just understand that she is so incredibly broken and that should be enough for you.