GF of 5 yrs turned long distance,drunk cheated, asks for 1 yr to work on herself

[steviejitsu]

Hi,

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years. We met in college and were our first loves in our lives. We had a tumultuous 5 years, that gradually got better every year. We lived together on and off due to work, but in our 4th year, we moved to a new state by ourselves and had a fairly peaceful time, and even had stints of 2-3 months without fighting, and when we did, it wasn't so bad. She mentioned that after looking online, she thought she might have BPD. After looking into it myself too, I agreed.

Then, right before my GF had to move far away due to work, her mom got breast cancer. Everyone took it hard, but was hopeful as it was caught early.

During our long distance, we got in a heated argument about finances. We eventually found a compromise right before I visited her in her new place. But the damage from the long distance, her mom's cancer diagnosis, and financial argument had taken its toll and I felt some distance. But, I've felt distance like this before and learned to brush it off and just tried to wait for better days, which recently, tended to work.

But at a romantic dinner where we were high, I was thrown off when she said that one day in her life, she would like to be with someone else. I was like what? and just started crying in the restaurant. I was extra emotional due to being high. We were roadtripping, so she suggested we both stay at separate hotels. The next morning, I found out she called her therapist and drove back home 2 hours away. I drove home and talked with her. She clarified that she didn't mean what she said, was mostly high, and that she meant more like she was curious as we've only ever been with each other. That made more sense to me.

But she said that she hasn't been feeling well recently, has lost her sense of self, and couldn't tell herself apart from me. She asked for some time alone and after 30 minutes of understanding her, I agreed. I have enough experience where I know there's no point arguing otherwise.

So I kept my distance from her for 2 days while staying with her and flew back to my house. A week and a half later with minimum contact, I get a call from her where she's crying and scared and she says that she cheated on me. She says she wasn't feeling herself that morning, that her mom's cancer was really tough, but it doesn't excuse the fact of what happened. She is super apologetic, says it was due to her weakness, stupidity, insecurity etc. She never blames me remotely. The story goes that she went to a happy hour from her work. She didn't feel like socializing, so she mostly just stayed to herself. After people left, she just stayed by herself to drink a little at the bar. Someone approached her and started small talk and was interested in her and complimented her. She was really absorbing the compliments and eventually, made it to his apartment, he made dinner, went for a kiss, and the whole 9 yards. She said she regretted it in the middle and that she never engaged, just received.

She called me the morning after. I was shocked as she was super loyal the entire 5 years and I really trusted her. I still believe that she was super drunk and wasn't thinking straight, which she agrees with, but still wants to take full blame for.

Anyways, she says she'll do anything to repair the relationship. I say, it's possible that this is now out of our control, where we may not be able to repair the trust, that it'll be extremely hard, and possibly not worth it due to how painful any mistakes would be. The next time I talk to her, she says I've committed to working on myself so we can make this work but I need some time, probably a year(so she can experience every season). In the meantime, she says we should remain friends, she's tired of relationship in general. She says she's not looking for anyone else, that she's just tired of relationships right now.

After the betrayal, it's really hard for me to understand any of this, let alone give her a year to work on herself. But I do love her. I'm a really strong individual, but it's really been tough.

I'd like to ask here what your take is on this. I really saw our relationship getting better over the years and that's why I chose to stay and tolerate all the abuse.

She also said that I've been nothing but good to her, but she is 50/50 on our relationship working out. She acknowledges she needs help, has been going to therapy, I recommended DBT therapy which she says she'll look into.(I'm cautious to push further as I'm hoping she will seek DBT further on her own)


My concern is the long distance will make her start forgetting about me. I really saw her getting better until she cheated on me(which wasn't really about fighting with me?)

Do you think she's moved on and is just keeping me along? Or do you think I should just give her time, or do you think she's looking for me to help her heal?

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[steviejitsu]

So after a month of being "friends", we talk every other day at least, keeping it mostly casual. Talking sometimes about the past relationships and what we've learned from it.

She called my parents to wish them happy new years.

It doesn't seem she discarded me, but she's said and seems very ashamed of herself. She says she wakes up at night scared I'll leave her, and feeling ashamed and guilty.

I did say that she can work on herself, but I won't be waiting that long. I'll be trying to move on, as difficult as it would be. She said she understands, is very scared of that outcome, but still needs to work on herself.

[Cat Familiar]

How do you envision dealing with this breaking of trust which could be difficult to repair in a long distance relationship?

[steviejitsu]

It's definitely an uphill battle. We've "survived" long distance relationship in the past until we were living together again.

But this time, with the surprise cheating, I'm not sure either. But my plan is to join her in about 4 months, if we're able to fight for our relationship during the long distance.

The thing is, things were going so well for the first time in our 5 years, before financial problems, cancer, long distance, and now cheating entered the picture. So it went from gradually getting better and closer together for 5 years, and the last 2 months, just way down to the point where it seems she may have given up. But if you look at the past 5 years, there was an upward trajectory the whole time.

She really seems ashamed of herself and really scared to bring herself back to the table. But then again, it seems impossible to really know if I'm completely ignorant of how she really thinks.

[once removed]

But if you look at the past 5 years, there was an upward trajectory the whole time.

dont confuse this.

ever heard of the seven year itch? most married couples that divorce end around that time. ones that dont, are tested.

the two of you have faced a great deal of turbulence, and it has tested you. increasingly.

the thing about cheating is that it is, of course, something a couple can recover from, but it really depends, not only on the relationship, but the individuals. it also depends a great deal on how each of them go forward with it.

how committed are the two of you to resolving things?

[steviejitsu]

Yeah I've heard of the 7 year itch. I also see that there's a lot of stress from finances, cancer, long distance, that are weighing us down.

I talk to her daily still on a daily basis as "friends". She tells me that she is actively suppressing her emotions because it's too much to handle.

I'm not sure if I should give her space or push further... We both know she messed up, but she it seems she just shut down.

[steviejitsu]

Are there any resources for helping people that are suppressing feelings and choosing not to feel? She's told me that's what she's doing and I can see it on my own too.

[grumpydonut]

Are there any resources for helping people that are suppressing feelings and choosing not to feel? She's told me that's what she's doing and I can see it on my own too.

Yes, DBT. Not "feeling" is due to her base level shame. She was never allowed to feel when she was younger, abused or invalidated.

That said, do not so easily overlook the cheating. I could send you a five page document my ex sent me when she cheated on me, about how much she regretted it / it would never happen again / it's not who she is / she'd never do it again. 9 months later she left me for him after secretly continuing to see him the whole time.

That doesn't mean that your partner is the same. But be careful that you're not too readily accepting her words.

A borderlines actions are the truth. Not their words.

[steviejitsu]

I want to fully address the cheating after she goes through some DBT. But she says it was a one night stand with a stranger and she didn't exchange numbers.

Most of the material I'm reading online is on more of the dramatic emotions of BPD, which my gf has had a fair share of in the past. But now, she's gotten fairly quiet and is actively suppressing. Is there some keywords or articles more related to quiet BPD or where they shut down their emotions?

[once removed]

Yeah I've heard of the 7 year itch. I also see that there's a lot of stress from finances, cancer, long distance, that are weighing us down.

yes. i dont mean to minimize those things. arguments over finances are the number one relationship killer. any of the other things can be, just as much. theyre highly stressful events, and while those can sink any given relationship, stress is something people with bpd just dont do well.

regarding the infidelity specifically:

the important thing is the psychology of a relationship where there has been infidelity.

its a difficult, but not impossible thing to recover from.

it generally requires that one partner is allowed the space to air their grievances, their hurt, their pain, to ask for reassurance and accountability, and, generally, that the other partner will provide that.

its rare that it works out that way, and thats why most relationships dont recover from it.

it is easier to kick something under the rug, or to move past it, than it is to make a full accounting and change. that accountability can also be emotionally challenging and it can be easier to blame them than make a full accounting.

you have mixed messages (from her) regarding her willingness to be fully accountable, and to restore trust. at the same time, you likewise seem to have mixed feelings about the prospect.

i would suggest she can feel that and shes acting accordingly (defensively). its not to say youre wrong. far from it.

its, i think, to ask, what accountability and change realistically looks like to you. if she never cheats again, but is pretty invalidating about what she did, how would you fare?

the long distance is, likewise, a legitimate concern, for both of you. its harder to repair a relationship at long distance. long distance relationships statistically (hardly unanimously) dont work out. its something the two of you really will need to work on the same page at mending, where you may need to provide extra reassurance, when youre reasonably in self preservation mode.

these are all things that, i think to sustain the relationship, youre going to need to work to be patient with each other on, and realistic about each other on. how able to do that are you? how able is she?

[steviejitsu]

Thanks for the thoughtful response. I'm actually understanding what you are saying more as time goes on. It's been difficult and I can see how it takes a lot of honesty and willingness to sacrifice. Thanks again, I can tell you really thought about your response.