Divorce/Saving Relationship Dichotomy

[bugwaterguy]

Hello folks,

My wife is seeking divorce - I do not desire it.  I believe because we have two kids - problems we have will continue.

That being said - I want to be ready if divorce does come AND hold hope that changes in my behavior will lead to changes in the relationship for the better.

I feel like my wife is on her "best behavior" in anticipation of a divorce.  (My wife is undiagnosed, high-functioning, and has situational competence)
-she isn't engaging in typical blaming behaviors
-she is being clear about communication
-it feels like she is holding back many emotions - and she is in turmoil under the surface (I don't know exactly why I have this feeling, but I do)

Should I "look a gift horse in the mouth" or should be suspicious?  How should react?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Be very mindful and observant. Do you have a journal where you’re recording events and behavior?

[bugwaterguy]

Yes - I do have a journal.  I also have an appreciation journal to keep my thoughts from getting too negative.

[babyducks]

I feel like my wife is on her "best behavior" in anticipation of a divorce. 

Do you want to use this period of relative calm to start to rebuild a more functional relationship?

[bugwaterguy]

Do you want to use this period of relative calm to start to rebuild a more functional relationship?

Definitely - but I am not sure what steps I need to take to make that happen.  Any advice is appreciated.

I feel like she is closing herself off emotionally in anticipation of divorce.  That lack of connection hurts me too - and I understand there is little I can do about it.

She is spending a great deal of time at her mom's, out shopping, or isolated in our bedroom or in the tub.  

Here is what I am doing differently:
1. I am not trying to anticipate her needs.  I am doing things she asks, but I am waiting until she asks.
   -this seems minor, but last night while watching tv, she commented about if there was any of a particular cheese ball left.  I said yes.  In the past, if she just mentioned it, I would go get it for her.  Last night, she got it herself.
2. In any divorce proceedings, I will be waiting for her to make any first moves, and come up with solutions.  I will react to what she says, rather than taking the lead.
3. I am not checking in with her before I make minor purchases.  In the past, if I did not get her approval before buying anything, she would be upset.  I am concerned about our budget - because she is controlling of the finances.  And her income increased by $20,000/year in the past two months, so I know our budget is ok.
  (I think this income increase is why she is pushing for divorce now, we are making close to the same amount)
4.  I am not checking in with her before doing something for myself.  
   -again this seems minor, but last night I started watching a movie, that I knew she might want to watch, without checking with her first.  Normally I would check with her before watching something, in case it might be something she wanted to watch.  This led to me not watching things, because I was waiting for her - she prefers 9 hours of sleep, I am good with 6.  I would ask her if it was ok to watch it on my own, or if she wanted me to wait.  She often would say, "I don't know", so I would wait.
5.  I am stopping JADEing (justify, argue, defend, and explain).  I will make a statement - and leave it there, even if she refutes it.
  -along with this, I am working on being more validating.  I will not try to use logic to persuade her.  If she feels a certain way, I will agree with her feelings.  But I will not let her tell me what my feelings are.  My feelings are my own.
6.  I am not taking her attacks personally.  I understand the attacks are because of BPD, and are not true.
7.  When I feel myself becoming emotionally dysregulated, I will
  Pause
  Notice my feelings, body sensations, and physical body posture
  Half smile
  Cheerlead myself (I am doing the best I can)
8.  Before arriving home from work, I am affirming myself, and forcing myself to laugh out loud, and smile before I walk in the door.

Anything else I should be working on?

[WhatToDo47]

This list is very helpful. I am in a somewhat similar situation and will use this list to help guide me through. Thank you!

[olafinski]

Hi,
quite similar situation here. Unique off course as every and each one is, but a lot of similarities.

We are married for 15 years but basically from the start she was "packing my bags" at least once a month. I didn't realise she has BPD (undiagnosed, and most probably will remain like that...) until some 2 years ago. This helped me a lot as I was taking everything before personally. I managed to build up a good way of handling the episodes, even before I knew about BPD, and it fact it turned out (after I read a couple of books and joined this community) that ALL of what I am doing is what is recommended if you are trying to sustain a romantic relationship with BPD partner.

But lately I am more and more concerned about our little one. He is now 11, on the edge of puberty, and is becoming quite aware that something is not really right with his mom. I found a way to communicate with him about this without mentioning words BPD, crazy, mental etc, and it is helping a lot. I try (and mostly manage) to warn him when an episode is starting and he understands how to behave to avoid her anger totally. Anyways she mostly projects it towards her older son who lives with us (22yo) and me.

But her constant mentioning of divorce in front of our son has made me think about the possibility of a situation where she would "cross the line" that she herself will not be able to cross back - not sure how it works with BPD partners in this aspect, but it seems that such a possibility exists - and I realised that should we divorce, I am really afraid of letting our son go through adolescence living with her with me having every 2nd weekend and picking him up here and there during the week. I think that she might "write me off" cause I've seen her do that to people that were once close to her. And that would be catastrophic for our son because currently we are a really tight family and he is totally used to view us as a "trio". We spend a lot of time together and he is really strongly attached to me (our dynamic is a bit reversed, she is more of an "alfpha" and I am more of a "beta" so he sees me for like a friend than a strong authority.

And to get custody I would have to go through mental competence road which would totally destroy our relationship and she would never forgive me.

So it is kind of a loose - loose situation:
1) If we stay together, our little one will be exposed to this unstable family energy with a lot of tensions every now and then... also because of all this we are quite hectic and also I need to be "different" in order for it all to work... I am afraid he is starting to see me as weak because "mom is always rights". I am trying to make him understand the reasons for this in a subtle way, but it is hard, kids see what they see...
2) If we divorce, and I don't go pull the mental health issue, she will most probably get the custody and I will just get 2nd weekends and 2 visits during weekdays. She will off course say that "I can take him whenever I want" but in reality I think it will not work like that (perhaps I am wrong, but there is a good chance that I am not".

So it's a really really tough call.

Best,
Olafinski

[babyducks]

hello again bug,

I think you have a good approach to concentrate on making small, very small changes.   

my experience was that after a major push cycle - Go Away - I hate you, my partner took a long time to return to emotional baseline.    it almost felt to me like the push was a pressure release valve, and once the pressure was off it took a long time for her to reset.

I would suggest you continue the very small changes.    how do you think you could include some changes that might build trust?    or explore common ground?   as much as you want to grow your independence, I am guessing that you want to leave the door open for some connection with her.

my pwBPD was very very sensitive to small things.   once I got a new pair of glasses and the RX wasn't quite right.    She was pretty upset that week and when I finally asked her why she said it was because I was frowning at her all the time.   I of course said "I'm not frowning at you."   but in truth she was right, because my glasses were a little off I was squinting and frowning.     When I finally told that my new glasses weren't right she accepted that.     she construed the frown/squint as directed at her.

the same was true for what she saw as acts of kindness.    how close I sat to her was an indicator of how I felt about her.    what television program I watched was an indicator of how I felt about her.    If I forgot to take the trash out,  also an indicator of how I felt about her.

[bugwaterguy]

Hey babyducks,

I appreciate your wisdom.

how do you think you could include some changes that might build trust?   

In my opinion, she has been controlling of the finances - in a way that borders on financial abuse.  I have to account for every penny.  If I make a purchase without clearing it with her first - she gets angry or in tears.  She gets things for herself, but rarely for me and the kids.  She has said I don't care about the budget she works so hard on.

My plan is to take more ownership of the finances. I am severely underfunctioning in that area.  My hope is she will realize she can trust me.  If not, I will still build some skills.

I don't know what else she doesn't trust me about.  If I ask the question, she says she feels interrogated or that I should "just know".

   or explore common ground?   as much as you want to grow your independence, I am guessing that you want to leave the door open for some connection with her.

I am not sure how to explore common ground - we have a lot in common.  If I ask her if she wants to do something - she usually says "I don't know" - which to me is even worse than "no" because it leaves you in a place of limbo. (I think this connects to a lack of sense of self).  If I do it without her, she often gets upset for not asking her.  What I am trying to do now is just inform her of what I am doing, rather than asking.  If feels weird and selfish to do that.

I think we agree more than most couples.  And I usually have went along with what she says.  If there are multiple ways to do something, and none are clearly superior, I usually go along with what she says because I don't feel strongly.  I realize now that 25 years of doing this has reduced her ability to deal with conflict.

[babyducks]

pwBPD have marked deficits in executive function.    Which means that decision making and planning is often a problem.

Open ended questions like what do you want for dinner? or what would you like to do tomorrow night?   are beyond their processing capabilities.    They can do it but it's often harder.

Simple binary questions often produce better results.

I feel like Italian for dinner do you want something from xyz restaurant if I order now?   Is a much better question than what are we doing for dinner?

Tomorrow night seems like a good night to stream  XYZ or would Saturday be better?

The attempt is to frame things as yes/no or either / or questions.