personality types that don't trigger pwbpd?

[aero0421]

Hi all, I've been reflecting on what's gone wrong in my relationship with a woman who has BPD traits (not sure it's enough to diagnose her with the full disorder) and started to wonder about our compatibility.

Our relationship started out wonderful and turned tumultuous, and I can see quite clearly that she idealised me in an extreme way, and then flipped about a year later. Only later in researching did I discover the things she always spoke about (fear of abandonment etc) matched up with BPD.

I've for the most part assumed I trigger her because she deeply loves me/is attached to me, and therefore I scare her. She has said many times that I trigger her and cause her to lose her sense of self in a way that others do not, and she overthinks / becomes very unstable. She admits that this is always an issue for her, but with me it's particularly acute.

Before me, she was married to a man and had been with him for about 9 years. It seems that the first 5 years or so were good, and then things started falling apart. This man is very calm and unemotional, I suspect on the autism spectrum, and was completely submissive to her. It seems that these traits were a stabilising force that allowed her to sustain that relationship for as long as she did. Ultimately it left her feeling just okay, but not super happy, because the relationship stagnated (probably because he is so calm / doesn't have many goals for himself).

I, on the other hand, am an emotional, feel-y person. Particularly last year during the pandemic and due to some tough circumstances, I became very anxious myself and would overreact to her mood swings / argue with her a lot. This seems to have done permanent damage. She now says she does not feel like she can talk to me and is always scared I'm going to flip out on her, even though I haven't done so in many months. To her, it seems more so than love, the most important things she needs in a relationship are to feel understood and feel she can say whatever she wants without the other person having much of a reaction.

We've spent the past couple months debating whether to be together or not, and she recently decided to instead date someone else. This person seems to be a narcissist man -- very grandiose, arrogant, literally posts photos of himself on social media daily, etc. She admits he is "very self involved". But I've heard that narcissists are also fairly unemotional, and she does not seem to be triggered by him, at least for now.

I guess all this is to say: is it possible for someone with BPD traits to exhibit BPD in one relationship / become unstable, and then be able to sustain a relationship with someone else? I had always assumed it was because we were so close that I made her unstable. But I'm starting to re-think that. I obviously wish I could go back and change how I acted in 2020. I've been working on myself to be more calm and less reactive. But it feels like it might be too late. It kills me to think that the thing I had so deeply wished for (a stable relationship with her) for years, might be possible with someone else. We really do love each other so much, and when things are good between us, it's the happiest I've ever been in my life.

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[Cat Familiar]

That you are emotional, and it goes without saying that people with BPD are hyperemotional, undoubtedly stoked the fires of dysregulation more than would have happened with a partner who is unemotional.

Often in the literature you’ll see that people with BPD pair with codependents or caretakers as well as narcissists. Anecdotally I’ve frequently seen members here who diagnose themselves as being on the autism spectrum. (I think that probably also describes me.)

The less volatility there is in a relationship could account for greater stability. I observe so many members silently tolerating very abusive relationships to stay together for a variety of reasons: kids, finances, religion, etc.

[Notwendy]

There is no certain personality type that would avoid BPD behaviors in a relationship. The behaviors belong to the person with BPD- they can't be controlled by another person. The other person can diminish their own reactivity to them, but all of us bring who we are to every relationship, and so the behaviors come with the person.

In addition, the BPD behaviors are more evident in the closest of relationships. This is why pwBPD tend to hold it together in less intimate relationships. They may act fine with someone they know superficially. But romantic relationships are intimate and include the push/pull of BPD.

It kills me to think that the thing I had so deeply wished for (a stable relationship with her) for years, might be possible with someone else. It isn't. Your relationship- starting out with excitement and idealism and then devaluation is a typical pattern.  It's not likely to change with anyone else even if it looks like that at first, or from the outside.

If you are judging "we love each other" and the "happiest you've been" from the idealization stage, perhaps it helps to know this isn't a typical duration of a relationship with someone with BPD.

[aero0421]

Thanks so much for your insights. You've both given me some food for thought. I'm a relative newbie -- it wasn't until this past summer that I realised something was seriously wrong with my partner...).

Cat Familiar, that's very interesting on the pairings. Do you think its possible to control my emotions more, without stifling myself? I've always viewed communication as something that can be learned and improved upon, not set in stone.

Do people with BPD and narcissists typically work out? I assume the answer here is: it depends. But you seem knowledgeable and experienced so I'm wondering if you have a better sense than me.

NotWendy: Very good point. I noticed early on that she had a lot of friends, but really did not share her true feelings with even her best friends. She seems to save it all for romantic relationships

[Cat Familiar]

I don’t know that any pairings with people with BPD typically work out. And it’s such a slippery diagnosis—from having mild traits to being relatively unable to function in society.

As far as controlling your emotions without stifling yourself, that’s a question only you can answer.

I used to be far more expressive of my emotions, but over time it seemed burdensome. Far easier to be a sphinx.

[Couscous]

It’s a bit of a catch 22. Yes, you can use strategies to emotionally insulate yourself but by doing this habitually will also insulate yourself from your positive emotions.

[aero0421]

I'll have to do some thinking. Although I guess she's now dating this guy, so it's not like there's a decision to be made. I would say she is high-functioning, in that she has a successful career, tons of friends, seems "normal" to most people. She probably has 4 or 5 of the traits. This is part of why I wonder if I was the thing triggering her instability, and she might be able to sustain stability with someone else. Hurts to think about, but I'm trying to be realistic.

I do think that I could use some work with my communication in a healthy way. I don't think I'll ever be UNemotional, but I was a poor communicator and that's something I should work on regardless of this relationship. If there ever is a chance, I know I'd do things differently. As I'm sure a lot of us here can relate to, I had no clue going into it that she had these issues. I was treating her like a non-traumatized person and expecting fairness and logic. She was so inconsistent and I would react to it, get angry etc. What's strange is that it seems that when I would react in a sad way, ie crying, that was the most triggering for her. She took my pain as an affront. That's a dynamic I'm still struggling to understand.

Thanks again for your advice and for listening.

[Couscous]

This video might have some possible explanations for why she’s so triggered by your sadness: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1r6iNuxpLuQ

My BPD sister is highly triggered by displays of sadness and I suspect this is partly because my BPD mother uses her tears to manipulate people. I also think it might trigger feelings of shame in her too. She has also admitted to using this same tactic in order to manipulate my mother. My BPD brother believes that his wife uses her tears as nothing more than an attempt to manipulate him into feeling bad about how he treats her, which would also be an aversion to feelings of shame.

[once removed]

people with bpd traits are special needs.

in other words, they are highly sensitive, and highly needy.

while there is not a personality type that necessarily meshes best with bpd (thats all going to matter more couple to couple, individual to individual...its sort of like asking whether a personality type meshes best with OCD; too much unknown), people with bpd traits need an emotional rock and source of stability.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

as i read your OP, i think you are asking about two or three different things:

1. relationship longevity is not necessarily an indicator of a healthy relationship, or "success". everyone knows a couple who has been married for decades and hate each other.
2. neither, necessarily, is getting everything right when it comes to dating someone as highly sensitive as someone with bpd traits. whether a relationship (any) succeeds is far better indicated by whether the couple fundamentally has "the right stuff". whether they are compatible. whether they are able to resolve conflict. not a matter of how frequently one or the other is triggered. for example, there are lots of couples that fight a lot, more than average, but they resolve their conflict and maintain a stable, loving relationship. my ex and i fought a lot, and we didnt have that "right stuff". we had a lot of unresolvable conflict that built up, and we were both really needy people.
3. ideally, everyone learns from previous relationships, and does a little better in the next. relationships are a series of trying to figure out ourselves, trying to figure out ourselves in relation to others, and trying to figure others out. but lots of people carry baggage from failed relationship to failed relationship, and thats not unique to bpd.

the short answer to your last question is that no, generally speaking, one doesnt present with traits of borderline personality in one relationship, and not the next. personalities are largely formed in our teenage years. is it possible that the new relationship is a better fit in some ways? it is. given our limited knowledge, its very difficult to say whether thats the case. i would assume that the relationship and its dynamics are simply different, not necessarily better or worse. my own exs next relationship lasted longer than ours. from what i was privy to, it was pretty crazy, at least early on. worse? better? i couldnt say. definitely different.

youre on the Bettering/Reversing a breakup board, and im going to assume you want to reverse the breakup.

in order to do that, youre going to have to, in a detached way, understand what was fundamentally broken or unresolvable between the two of you, and how/whether or not those things can be fixed.

[aero0421]

My BPD sister is highly triggered by displays of sadness and I suspect this is partly because my BPD mother uses her tears to manipulate people. I also think it might trigger feelings of shame in her too. She has also admitted to using this same tactic in order to manipulate my mother. My BPD brother believes that his wife uses her tears as nothing more than an attempt to manipulate him into feeling bad about how he treats her, which would also be an aversion to feelings of shame.

Wow, this is spot on. I remember she once mentioned that her mother (who has a personality disorder) would use crying/tantrums to manipulate her. So I triggered that. It's striking to see how many common threads there are, once you know to look. I went into this very naive because no one I've been close to (that I know of) has had a disorder like this. For 2 years, I didn't even think to Google it.

[aero0421]

people with bpd traits are special needs.

youre on the Bettering/Reversing a breakup board, and im going to assume you want to reverse the breakup.

in order to do that, youre going to have to, in a detached way, understand what was fundamentally broken or unresolvable between the two of you, and how/whether or not those things can be fixed.

Thanks. This was a really thoughtful reply. I've had some distance from the relationship -- we initially broke up in April, she initiated contact in September, we spent a few months talking about whether we should be together, and we are now "friends" who talk daily. Compared to six months ago, I feel much more clear on where things went wrong. We had a lot of the "right stuff", such as  emotional and physical chemistry, common interests, a best friendship. But our communication was very off. I was a poor communicator going into it, and partnering with a pwbpd seems tough even for good communicators. Because of this, she felt like she couldn't talk to me and that I didn't understand her. I wasn't validating her, which after reading up from this site, seems to be very important. As to whether it can be fixed: I truly don't know! For now, we are taking some time to try and grow separately, while leaving the door open in the future. It feels impossible to know whether it can be fixed without trying it.