Painted Black after Calling the Cops on Suicide Attempt

[reader871]

Hi, I need to hear if there is any hope in navigating this situation.
I (24F) have been with my wonderful partner for two years. He has not been diagnosed BPD, and we generally have a stable, loving relationship; we moved in quickly because of the pandemic and generally live well together, we have a house together outside of our city, and we have a car together (he has purchased all of these things, as he is a decade older than me, but I have my own source of income and savings). We have regularly spoken about having children together; he tells me that I am the love of his life. However, five or six times over the course of our relationship, he has suddenly "broke" and broken up with me, where he yells and screams at me that he "never wants to see me again." These episodes usually involve me apologizing, and have never lasted more than a few days; they are also triggered by something very minor, often, and are incongruent with the way that he normally communicates with me (he almost never yells). They have involved threats of suicide before, and he had a prior suicide attempt in-front of an ex-girlfriend (with whom, I'm learning, these "breaks" also occurred). He also works an extremely high stress job as a corporate lawyer, and while he had taken off a year at the beginning of our relationship, he returned to it in 2021, and he works, regularly, 16 hours days. He does not want to do this, nor is he in a financial position to have to (like I said, we have no children. Our house and apartment are very small, paid off, and I am not dependent on him for money. He has no debt.) He says that he desires to quit his job and become a writer, which is another field that he is very much succeeding in; while less lucrative, he would be able to make a living in any way that he wants.

About three weeks ago, he had a similar break, over something very, very minor (not being able to find a seat by some writer friends at a bar, while I did find one--I invited him three times to come over, including to give up my seat, but he refused.) He began yelling at me that we were broken up, that "all of my selfish decision making has been revealed," that he never wants to speak to me again, and he sprinted away from me, and barricaded the door to his room with furniture. When I pushed past the barricade--I was attempting to have a calm conversation, and had given him multiple opportunities to do so, including more space to cool down--and began speaking with him, he attempted to jump out of the open window of our apartment building (we are on the twenty-third floor). I tackled him, he fought me off, and the bedroom was destroyed. He then attempted to run out of the building, as I followed him, screaming and crying barefoot in my pajamas.

I did not immediately call 911, but I called two men who are his close friends, and who live in our apartment building. They came and let us back into our apartment, and one of them stayed the night. We attempted to make an immediate plan for him to receive help, but he refused to go for two more days, stating that he needed to work. We allowed him to go to work the next day--he was insisting that he was going to lose his job if he didn't go, and he texted me during the day, again, that he never wanted to see me again--but when he returned home that evening, he said that he was going to book a hotel, that he would not tell anyone where it was, and that he was leaving in ten minutes. Believing he was going to go and finish the job, me and four other people called 911. He was held overnight, but for less than 24 hours; like I said, he is a corporate lawyer, and insisted that he was fine. The doctors called and interviewed me several times, where I told them the truth of what happened; he told me now that these interviews are what "kept him in." When he returned unexpectedly to the apartment, he began moving furniture, and screaming that my roommate and I had one month to move out. My roommate and I are both now moving out next week. I involved his family, who I have a close relationship with, and who support me and his friends, and who live by the house outside of the city.

He is now at our other house outside of the city, and says that the four of us--who called 911--are the problem, and that we betrayed him. He is insisting that his reaction is appropriate, and that we grovel and say that we would "never do something like that again." I am positive the hospital was traumatizing, and awful; however, I will not take back my decision, given that I am similarly traumatized by his suicide attempt, and should he ever attempt again in front of me, I would call 911 immediately. While he stands that his attempt was wrong, he stands by the rest of his behavior, including the explosion over the seating at the bar that triggered the whole event.

He was seeing a therapist prior to this, but he stopped in the month prior, because she went off of his insurance and he became paranoid she would "take his money." He refused to pay for others that I scheduled for him. He says he is seeing a therapist now, but I believe I have been "painted black," as the person who "wanted him locked up." He will only text with me, not talk on the phone; in our last conversation, I got angry, and I temporarily blocked his number, then unblocked it 12 hours later. I have continued to say that I love him and that I will be there for him if he wants to get help for this; he says that it is "us four" who are the problem and that he is "starting over" without us.

I truly, truly love this man, and I had been planning to spend the rest of my life with him. His family has been incredibly supportive of me, and of our relationship; they say that they have never seen him happier. I am taking a step back from him, believing that I have done all that I can to get him help (his family is involved in getting him psychiatric help, and I researched and called every single place both inside and outside of the city, preparing a document with options.) I am not sure when I should continue checking in, or if I can expect him to reach out when he "unpaints" me. I love him and I would be willing to work with him, and I do not want to let him go, but without a proper diagnosis or psychiatric intervention, I do not know what to expect. I am so grateful that other people know about these "breaks," now, and his suicidality; he has a habit of muttering to himself "I want to kill myself," and he has been doing that around me for months. All I want is for him to be happy. Any advice on how to navigate this situation would be much appreciated.

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[formflier]

I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of that...a very hard experience.

Please know that you did the right thing by calling authorities and telling the truth to doctors when they called.  Please also realize that there is no much use in trying to convince your partner that you did the right thing.

Can you give more details on what "a step back" means for the r/s?

Best,

FF

[reader871]

Thank you so much for your kind response.

Right now, we are not speaking (though I am not sure if he responded to me in the 12 hours I blocked his number; if he did, I'm almost positive that it was filled with vitriol). My own therapist advised that I should not speak to him again until he is on medication or seen by a psychiatrist. I texted him for four hours the other day before blocking him, during which time he just returned to the viewpoint that I am the "bad person who wanted him in the hospital," even though there were moments where I felt like I was breaking through his logic. While he feels that the attempt was unfair, he holds that the rest of the "break up" was fair, and that he would have "never called the cops" on someone in this situation (we very much attempted to not do that, until he left us with no choice).

I am also in-touch with his family, to see what his plan is.

I believe he is seeing a therapist once-a-week; if it is his old therapist, I called her and informed her of the situation (she recommended inpatient, which seems impossible to get him to because of his job). But I also believe that more intervention is required, given the severity of what happened, and that this is a pattern. I am worried about him lying to them, because I think honesty and a diagnosis would help him so much.

I miss him very much, and I love him very much. It is hard to not talk to him. He is posting on social media like everything is normal (which I can see even though he blocked me), and it hurts immensely. I want to reverse the split, but I don't know how. I don't want to set the standard that what he did was okay.

[mitten]

I unfortunately don't have much advice for you, but just wanted to say, wow, I can tell you're a great partner after reading your post. 

I used to say to myself when I was dating my uBPDw that the 50% or so of the good times we have make up for the 50% of bad times we have...   I'll say the bad times we have are nothing as severe as what you just experienced with the suicide attempt and the destruction and rage.  Even so it's extremely tiring in the long haul.  You've done all the right things it seems, now you just have to decide for yourself if you want to endure a lifetime of these cycles?   Do the good times really outweigh the bad times?   

[reader871]

Thank you so much--your comment made me tear up.

He is a really exceptional person. I think it would be worth it if he were able to recognize these episodes as episodes--rather than rational reactions--and to put in the work to be able to minimize their frequency. I don't know how likely it is that he would do that (In our last communication, he insisted that he has "reacted appropriately.")

[formflier]

  I think it would be worth it if he were able to 

Note the bold part.

I understand what you are saying, yet I also want to let you know that any value based life plan that has at the base of it a pwBPD "recognizing" or "doing" or (fill in the blank)... some thing is likely unwise.

Here is the thing...because then you have given away the power to make your life "worth it" or not...who has that power now?  The person who does or does not "recognize" (whatever).

Challenge:  Write another "worth it" statement but make it all about you and things you can control...(yes..leave pwBPD out of it)

Best,

FF

[mitten]

Great advice as always FF. 

The way I'd look at it is that you should expect nothing to change dramatically in your significant others BPD behavior, and then ask yourself if you want to live with that for the rest of your life.   BPD is engrained into their personality.  It's not going away, regardless of treatment.  Hopefully treatment can help with the suicide attempts, however. 

When I was dating my high functioning uBPDw, I saw some red flags for sure, but I dismissed them as immaturity or insecurity... thinking once we were married, had children, etc she would understand how committed I was to her and those red flags would go away.  Well, they didn't... they only got worse.  Because once you get married they don't try as hard to capture your love, because they feel a little more secure.  But never secure enough.  So intimacy dwindles until they want to try for kids... they no longer need to pretend to like your friends and family... so that strife becomes intensified... 

Given all this, since I learned about BPD 2 years ago, I've been able to make changes in how I respond that have helped the relationship.  It's still tiring and challenging on a daily basis.  But I've noticed improvement.  All relationships/marriages are hard and challenging to some degree.  But BPD is next level hard!

[mitten]

One more thing.  I can relate to your relationship in that you mentioned your partner is a highly successful corporate lawyer.  It's likely no one at work sees the side you see.  That is my experience at least.  My uBPDw is super attractive and successful at work (I work with her), she is highly respected.  This is admittedly something that attracted me to her and made me think that maybe I was the problem.  She seemed like a great catch so I was willing to ignore all the chaos.  Her reputation is strong so it's crazy how different she is around me, where she can barely keep a house clean or manage household finances or solve simple problems. 

[reader871]

Thank you so much for this amazing response.

I really want kids. And even if *I* could personally handle these episodes, it is very hard for me to imagine bringing a child into the world with this man if he stands by this behavior (which he currently does). I do not think a child could handle it, or understand. The amount of harm he has caused, and refuses to recognize, is enormous; I want to be with someone who actively works to reduce harm.

Both my roommate and I are moving out this weekend (she was one of the four who called 911), and we are devastated to leave our home.

[mitten]

So sorry you are going through.  But I'm impressed with how you're handling it! 

[Cat Familiar]

It’s very wise you are thinking ahead about the potential impact his behavior would have on kids. So many members end up here after having a couple of kids with their partners and seeing the devastating effects untreated BPD has on their children. By then, they have few options and what they can do to minimize harm is limited.

So many of us here have grown up with a parent with BPD and then went on to marry a spouse who has it…because it feels like *family*. 

[thankful person]

If you’re thinking about having kids with this man, you seriously need to imagine that he won’t change, and that some of his behaviour may get worse. My wife and I have two small children. I am working hard to keep things as stable as possible. But whilst I have worked with children for over 20 years and I am so confident parenting…I was not prepared for what parenting with my wife would be like. I worry all the time about the children’s mental health and what I need to do to help and protect them. Another thing is that my wife is jealous of my relationships with the children. I wish you all the best as you go  through this situation. Do you have a therapist? I think it would help for you to work through this with a professional, particularly looking at why you ended up in such a relationship and how to avoid repeating this pattern in future, if you do split up. You are not responsible for his happiness or mental health.

[reader871]

Thank you. I do have a very good therapist, who has helped me immensely during all of this. I also work with kids! Which I think makes me good at handling tantrums, but I do not want to handle them with my partner; I can absolutely see him being jealous of my relationships with my children.

I keep on oscillating between sadness and rage at his treatment of me. It's very hard. I am trying to channel it in healthy ways, but still.