Remembering the good and bad

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey everyone.

So it's been five weeks today of no contact. She hasn't seen or tried contacting me and I haven't her. I've been missing her again. Remembering some of the good times makes it hard. I have been trying lately to remember some of the bad times. It helps but it will hit me again a little later. Some of the bad times I remember are as follows.

One time when we got back together she started questioning me about my being hurt over our previous break-up because of some app on her phone. When I admitted I was she became angry like I had no right to my feelings and telling me I caused my own pain because I caused her to break-up with me. I backed off to keep the peace. Looking back I feel that was gaslighting and manipulative. I had to hide my true feelings a lot to keep the peace. It was like I wasn't entitled to my feelings. Abusive?

Another time we were having some struggles and she was telling me she was going to hang out with a friend again in a cemetery to see if they could see spirits on some camera. Even though I would tell her who I was hanging out with she often would just tell me 'a friend'. It made me feel like she was hiding something. Anyhow with the struggles we were having I finally told her my anxiety was really high wondering if she was going out with some guy and wondering if its a romantic interest. She told me she knew it was on my mind. She wouldn't tell me though. She kept telling me she was trying to help me with my anxiety and only told me whatever happens happens. This only fueled my anxiety. I finally left struggling with a lot of anxiety and probably close to a panic attack. The next day in a text she told me it wasn't a romantic interest and she was angry feeling like she had to answer to me. It made me feel like a jerk but then I also felt like she could have just reassured me the night before that it wasn't instead of watching me go into full anxiety.

Before she broke up with me before Thanksgiving she angrily brought up when I went to Thanksgiving dinner two years earlier with another girl and asked how she could even trust me. Funny thing is SHE broke up with ME then like always and told me to go live my life. She was furious that I went to Thanksgiving with another girl. Yet there are probably 5 or 6 times (that I know of) SHE broke up with ME and within a week was with another guy. The last guy she would break up with me and pull him in on a few occasions.

These are recent ones on my mind but there are several others as well. To her it's all me and I'm the horrible person though.

[Carguy]

Hey everyone.

So it's been five weeks today of no contact. She hasn't seen or tried contacting me and I haven't her. I've been missing her again. Remembering some of the good times makes it hard. I have been trying lately to remember some of the bad times. It helps but it will hit me again a little later. Some of the bad times I remember are as follows.

One time when we got back together she started questioning me about my being hurt over our previous break-up because of some app on her phone. When I admitted I was she became angry like I had no right to my feelings and telling me I caused my own pain because I caused her to break-up with me. I backed off to keep the peace. Looking back I feel that was gaslighting and manipulative. I had to hide my true feelings a lot to keep the peace. It was like I wasn't entitled to my feelings. Abusive?

Another time we were having some struggles and she was telling me she was going to hang out with a friend again in a cemetery to see if they could see spirits on some camera. Even though I would tell her who I was hanging out with she often would just tell me 'a friend'. It made me feel like she was hiding something. Anyhow with the struggles we were having I finally told her my anxiety was really high wondering if she was going out with some guy and wondering if its a romantic interest. She told me she knew it was on my mind. She wouldn't tell me though. She kept telling me she was trying to help me with my anxiety and only told me whatever happens happens. This only fueled my anxiety. I finally left struggling with a lot of anxiety and probably close to a panic attack. The next day in a text she told me it wasn't a romantic interest and she was angry feeling like she had to answer to me. It made me feel like a jerk but then I also felt like she could have just reassured me the night before that it wasn't instead of watching me go into full anxiety.

Before she broke up with me before Thanksgiving she angrily brought up when I went to Thanksgiving dinner two years earlier with another girl and asked how she could even trust me. Funny thing is SHE broke up with ME then like always and told me to go live my life. She was furious that I went to Thanksgiving with another girl. Yet there are probably 5 or 6 times (that I know of) SHE broke up with ME and within a week was with another guy. The last guy she would break up with me and pull him in on a few occasions.

These are recent ones on my mind but there are several others as well. To her it's all me and I'm the horrible person though.

[ACycleWiser]

These are recent ones on my mind but there are several others as well. To her it's all me and I'm the horrible person though.

That is an awful feeling, not being recognized in the hurt that was caused to you, and be made the scapegoat instead. your emotional reality is flat out denied, and within a relationship that soon makes you feel powerless.

It sets you up with an emotional catch-22, where you end up wishing they could see both ends of their behavior and acknowledge it. Since that is not possible, you keep trying to come up with a judgement purely on your own and you discover you are heavily splitting yourself over the good vs the bad, not able to reconcile it into a cohesive image either.

My therapist explained to me that you end up doing the emotional work of two people at the same time this way, and asked me... "Isn't that something incredibly exhausting to do?". Only then i realized that i had been doing this mental juggle for quite a long time, actually it all started out way back in my childhood. And that i didn't even make the link to it being a source of my exhaustion and subsequent emotional withdrawal.

So, i think its good to get a sense of what happened, but also be mindful that the process is near impossible to come to resolution, it is the sort of case that simply can't be proven in a court of emotional law, neither can it be disproven. In the end it can only be let go off, through acceptance of how you felt, feel and will feel about this.

[SinisterComplex]

Hey everyone.

So it's been five weeks today of no contact. She hasn't seen or tried contacting me and I haven't her. I've been missing her again. Remembering some of the good times makes it hard. I have been trying lately to remember some of the bad times. It helps but it will hit me again a little later. Some of the bad times I remember are as follows.

One time when we got back together she started questioning me about my being hurt over our previous break-up because of some app on her phone. When I admitted I was she became angry like I had no right to my feelings and telling me I caused my own pain because I caused her to break-up with me. I backed off to keep the peace. Looking back I feel that was gaslighting and manipulative. I had to hide my true feelings a lot to keep the peace. It was like I wasn't entitled to my feelings. Abusive?

Another time we were having some struggles and she was telling me she was going to hang out with a friend again in a cemetery to see if they could see spirits on some camera. Even though I would tell her who I was hanging out with she often would just tell me 'a friend'. It made me feel like she was hiding something. Anyhow with the struggles we were having I finally told her my anxiety was really high wondering if she was going out with some guy and wondering if its a romantic interest. She told me she knew it was on my mind. She wouldn't tell me though. She kept telling me she was trying to help me with my anxiety and only told me whatever happens happens. This only fueled my anxiety. I finally left struggling with a lot of anxiety and probably close to a panic attack. The next day in a text she told me it wasn't a romantic interest and she was angry feeling like she had to answer to me. It made me feel like a jerk but then I also felt like she could have just reassured me the night before that it wasn't instead of watching me go into full anxiety.

Before she broke up with me before Thanksgiving she angrily brought up when I went to Thanksgiving dinner two years earlier with another girl and asked how she could even trust me. Funny thing is SHE broke up with ME then like always and told me to go live my life. She was furious that I went to Thanksgiving with another girl. Yet there are probably 5 or 6 times (that I know of) SHE broke up with ME and within a week was with another guy. The last guy she would break up with me and pull him in on a few occasions.

These are recent ones on my mind but there are several others as well. To her it's all me and I'm the horrible person though.

So CG we have been over a lot previously. I am paying attention, but I am going to let you vent. If you need input from me...ask. You know the drill...this stuff takes time and nothing will make it any easier. I am here for you and the rest of the fam is as well.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[brighter future]

Carguy,

Like SC, I want to let you know that I'm still here and am following your story, my friend.

 I went through these same emotions 12 - 15 months ago and the months before that. The loneliness was really tough, especially during the holidays.  We've been broken up about 20+ months now.  What got my through that was staying away from her through NC even when she'd reach out. She's now working in a local grocery store that I shop at frequently. My best friend's wife was shopping in that store about a month ago. She told me that my ex stopped her and initiated a conversation, and my friend's wife wanted to let me know that my ex stated that she now worked in that store. That way I could be prepared if I ran into her there someday. I had to pick up some  items at that store last Friday. Low and behold, I saw my ex over in the bakery/deli section, so I turned around and went the other way. I saw her twice more before I left the store and managed to avoid her seeing me.  I've been at the point for quite a while where I just don't want to encounter her if I don't have to. That way it doesn't open the door for any communication. She still comes over on occasion if her man isn't around while she's visiting her parents that live next door to me. If and when she does that, I'm just very matter of fact with her, and she usually doesn't stick around long. She never will make any eye contact with me when she's talking.  At least the social media blips have stopped. I haven't had any of those in 9-10 months.

I  believe if you can stick to NC and get out of that unhealthy cycle with her, you'll really begin to heal. I was lonely and missed her terribly for months after we split.  Once I got my mind right, the loneliness was a lot better than the pain caused by the BPD relationship. As one of her own family members told me, "She would have made your life a living hell if you would have married her." I had to keep telling myself that over and over again. Now, nearly two years after the split, I can see things very clearly now.

Hang in there and keep us updated. Remember, keep up with the NC. Five weeks is a great milestone!  Like my therapist always told me, "When it comes to her, ignore...ignore...ignore!"  

[khibomsis]

Dear Carguy, I am still here too. I can remember my first ex-wife (CPSTD), thinking after the breakup, "it may be lonely here but it is peaceful" You can hear yourself think  

[Carguy]

Thank you guys. I feel like I needed to vent a little. Sometimes I have good memories come up but other times I start remembering the bad too. Thank you for the support! It has been a big help these last few years!

So Saturday I did a big grocery shopping trip and for some reason I kept having a feeling of running into her (she hasn't been working there since October when she messed up her knee. She was suppose to have surgery on it in December). I wrote it off as perhaps wishful thinking out of missing her or something like that.  I was facing my car loading the groceries into it when I heard someone drive by behind me. I looked over and it was her. She parked a little ways away and walked into the store and made sure to not look over at me at. I just thought whatever.

 I'm still confused on what I did that was so horribly wrong. The best I can figure is because she didn't see or hear from me at Thanksgiving she felt abandoned maybe and has convinced herself that I was out with another girl like she brought up a few weeks earlier about the Thanksgiving 2 years earlier).

I know with them feelings=fact and to understand what and why is futile. Even though I wasn't and didn't really do anything bad that I can see it appears she is back to very cold and ignoring like I've done something terrible. Like my T has taught me though, this is her stuff and not mine.

[Goosey]

Car guy I believe you will get to spot I am at in the future. It’s resignation to the reality of the situation.   I dwell little on the thoughts of what was and what is. I actually practice a exercise I read somewhere. If I get thinking sad or upset about it all I allow myself five minutes or so to think about it. Then I just say “that’s enough of that” and shut it off and go about my day(or night).     Mind you it took years to get to a point I can do this, just saying it is possible to feel less pain, it takes a while but it’s possible. My best wishes for you to get there.
   My ex just reached out. She is again in a money jamb. I made arrangements to expedite a payment toward our settlement to help her out. She seems to be the same financial mess she always was. I know I won’t Hear from her again till the cycle repeats. I am alarmed by the way she sounds, but I can’t say anything to her, it will just cause a ballistic response. She is very close to being paid out by me on the deal. I wonder how I will handle these situations when I owe her nothing. I know I will still provide. Just know I will. Ugh. I really feel for her, though I know I tried hard to get her help and was stymied at ever attempt.
   Wish she would keep a new partner and leave me alone. There is no reason for me to feel guilt. But I do.
     Hopefully she hits the lottery and moves far far away.
 Beside this I am kinda happier then I have been in years. Takes years to get some self respect back.

[ACycleWiser]

So it's been five weeks today of no contact. She hasn't seen or tried contacting me and I haven't her. I've been missing her again. Remembering some of the good times makes it hard. I have been trying lately to remember some of the bad times. It helps but it will hit me again a little later.

I think this is the hardest part in detaching from this relationship. There have been incredibly good times, and there have been incredibly bad times. And in between there just was a lot of confusion.

Having gotten some distance from it all, i am more and more convinced it was actually you that facilitated the good times. The BPDs internal turmoil, parentally induced self hatred and abandonment fear was temporarily calmed by your presence. They synchronized with your life as a way to regulate their emotions and personality confusion, it gave them a person in their life to live through and therefor they facilitated your feelings of self-worth. So that they too could feel worthy.

But a BPD person is in a continuous internal fight with their deeply buried narcissistic wounds. They loved the air of perfection that was all around during the idealisation period, but the moment you became a human instead of a fairy tale character, they too where faced with their human imperfection. And while we more or less have become accepting off our imperfection, for a BPD person it means the return of their own inner self-persecution, abandonment fears and the traumatic emotional dissociation they have towards themselves.

From that point on the BPD is increasingly splitting to cast of the imperfection. But because of the enmeshment, its not clear to whom this imperfection belongs, thus you and your BPD partner become triangulated by the disease itself. The disorder will blame themselves and guilts them to try and restore the perfection in themselves, next the disorder will blame you and try to guilt you in becoming perfect again. And so begins the cycle of push and pull, which is NOT fundamentally caused by abandonment or engulfment fears imo, it is the underlying narcissistic wound underneath it that has them in a grip so that they can only love themselves/you in a state of perceived perfection - an impossible state to continuously attain for a human, let alone a couple

That is also the main reason they split you black, as the only way out of the enmeshment chaos for them is to wholly cast off all the imperfections that both of you brought to the table.

Perhaps this gives you a bit of an idea what the good and bad times where all about. It was a search for a state of perfection that could never be.

[brighter future]

Like my T has taught me though, this is her stuff and not mine.

Good words to live by, Carguy. My T and some good friends told me the same thing. We all have to learn to stop owning their issues. We can't control what they think or what they do. It took me a long time to get that through my thick head, and I literally drove myself crazy at times sitting around and over analyzing. Now, I'm at peace with it and flat out don't give AF. I still do think of her from time to time, but the emotional pain is gone. Like Goosey said, you will get to that point. Keep on venting if you need to, and we will listen. Stick with the NC.