New baby, long term NC... this never stops being hard

[Clouds46]

Became a mother a few months ago to a beautiful baby.  I have been long term NC with my uBPD mother.  When my mother found out I was pregnant, she acted like I was obligated to reconnect with her and like she had ownership rights to my baby (despite never taking accountability or in any way curtailing the many toxic and abusive behaviors which led to the NC in the first place).  For the most part, I ignored it.  I see well through her behaviors at this point and as I have been diagnosed with PTSD I was afraid that the stress of trying to deal with her could jeopardize the pregnancy.  Nonetheless, I held out hope that perhaps her desire to know her grandchild and years of NC could move her to show even a small modicum of respect for my boundaries so we could at least have an infrequent, arms-length relationship in which she could visit with my child a few times a year.  I did feel sad/guilty about the prospect of not letting her meet my child and going through motherhood without a mother.

But, a number of shameless/self-absorbed/intrusive/manipulative/inflammatory actions surrounding my child's birth, including while I was recovering from surgery in the hospital, put the nail in that figurative coffin.  I don't think I need to tell that story to this board because you all know how it goes.

While these actions triggered depression for me during my already challenging postpartum days, in a way, they were a blessing because of the clarity they gave me.  My mother will always be toxic and feel entitled to be toxic.  She'll never be honest with herself about her behavior or feel any empathy for what she's caused me because she always has to be the victim in her own story.  I can't show up for my own child in the way my child deserves if I continue to engage with that toxic dynamic which takes so much from me.  I don't have a logical reason to believe my child is missing out on a benefit from a relationship with my mother, because my mother abused me when I was a child, compulsively badmouths me and my family to others (including children), and only shows me time and time again that she is unwilling to change.

The consequences of my decision though, have not been easy.  I have an adult sibling who is completely enmeshed with my mother and lives with her.  My sibling refuses to even meet my baby, at great heartache to me, because my mother has convinced my sibling that it would be some kind of betrayal of her.  My mother's efforts to intrude into my life and access my child never stop.  Among other ways, she has been trying to get to us through my husband and in-laws.  My husband, while feeling uncomfortable and pressured to be polite to her, supports me.  My in-laws don't really understand and somewhat buy her victim act and false claims to have no idea why I cut her off.  Occasionally people guilt me for not allowing her access because "she's [my] mother". 

All the while, I still live with the sadness, nightmares, pervasive negative self-image distortions, and intrusive bad memories.  I am so sad that I don't have a mother to share in the joy of my new baby, or to help me out at all.  I still worry every day that I'm too damaged to be the mother my child deserves.  I am putting all my energy every day into trying to make sure my child never feels what I felt.  Having my mother in my life was unbearable, but not having her either is a sorrow that never ends.

Whatever you have... words of advice, commiseration, etc., any of it's welcome.

[Goldcrest]

I just really, really feel for you. I never had a child because my mother's damage left me doubting myself at every turn and full of self hate in my younger years. I knew I would be bringing the baby up on my own as my partner didn't want children and my mother would probably find a way to take the baby away from me. You are doing the right thing for you and your baby. Well done. You are keeping your baby safe from a toxic family. 

I know how hard it is to go no contact. I have done it for bouts throughout my life but gone back and regretted it. I am currently on the precipice again because my mother is wrecking everything I have left in my life including my marriage. You need nothing from her and she only brings pain to your life. It is so painful to know that people readily believe the lies and distortions from a BPD but won't for one minute consider the truth that comes from our mouths.

I repeat...You are doing the right thing by you and your baby. Well done.

[Methuen]

Clouds 46 I am sorry for your loss.  The loss of a grandma to your baby (and a mom to you) the way your friends have grandma's for their baby.  We can relate.

You mention that your mom's behavior after the birth of your baby brought clarity for you.  It sounds like you have fully accepted the situation, and are now grieving it.

Allow yourself to let the grief come out.  It helps.

As for the "she's your mother" line, I can relate as I got the biblical "must honour your mother" line.  People can say these things, because they don't have our lived experience, and have not walked in our shoes.  If they had, they wouldn't say it.  They mean well, they just have no clue.  It's hard to fault a person for ignorance because they haven't our lived experience.  It's just hard to observe people act as an authority when they are so unknowing.  I never reply to these comments, but change the subject.  No explanation could make them understand if they haven't lived it, and I don't feel comfortable telling my truth about my mother when it's not what other people see.  She's different to them than to me, so I choose to keep this information to myself, and just remind myself that "my truth is mine, and nobody can take that away from me".  But the "she's your mother" line hurts a lot, because it's a reminder of the mother we don't have.

Thankfully, grief is temporary, and generally lessens or changes over time.  We are adaptable.  We are resilient.  And we are stronger than we think.

We keep going through these spells where our feelings of loss, helplessness, intense frustration, or other emotions, are triggered.  At the time it feels horrible.  But this too shall pass. Until the next time.

Apart from my H and 2 adults kids, and ubpd mom, I have almost no family.  H has no family left apart from 1 disordered sister (both his parents have passed).  Our best friends became our chosen family.  They became our children's "godparents".  Then they moved away!  But they remained our chosen family over 25 years (with 1-2 dedicated quality visits a year, sometimes including road trips together). I would recommend "chosen family" as a healthy way to fill the void.  Our children as adults remain connected to our "chosen" family.

It's hard.  Allow yourself to grieve.  Adaptation will happen if you allow it, and allow yourself to eventually move on when you are ready.

We do get through it.  But, you are right...it is a sorrow that never ends.  Just know that you have lots of company, and are not alone in this.

 

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi Clouds46,

My heart goes out to you. I also wanted to say congratulations for your beautiful baby!

I can only talk from experience so here goes... Having my daughter is the reason I first realized something was wrong with my uBPDm. I remember feeling all that love and feeling of wanting to protect this beautiful, vulnerable little human being cooing in my arms and thinking : I don't feel I've ever received such love and I don't think I've ever felt such love either.

Everyday, it heals me a little bit more to become the mother I never had, but always wished I had have. My daughter is 3 now and I can tell from how my daughter always contradicts me (), that she is not scared of me like I was scared of my mother. She is not withdrawn like I was.  She is a happy little girl, not afraid to tell me what she wants/needs. And I will go on a limb here saying that I know you will find it healing too.

It's absolutely doable. I've been taking care of both my children by myself now, with absolutely no family help. It is not easy, but it is absolutely doable.

You will be a wonderful mother. And try not to be too hard on yourself (I know I tend to be), you are not your mother. You got this. And your mother presence would honestly just make it much harder for you. Trust yourself.

Hugs

[madeline7]

Congrats on becoming a Mother! I won't go into detail, but let you know that I admire your strength and wisdom. My uBPDm acted out when I was in active labor and later my enabler Dad bullied me when I wanted to set boundaries. I continued a tumultuous relationship with them for years but I made a vow to be a good parent and have a healthy relationship with my husband. I learned from her what NOT to do. And let me tell you, it can work. You can and will be a wonderful parent. You can stop the cycle of toxic behavior. I have 2 amazing grown children, and a happy marriage. What I don't have is a nurturing Mother, never had.And that's sad. But my uBPDM's legacy will end with her. I am still working on healing myself, but I did not pass on the BS to my kids. And you are so much wiser at your age than I was. I have no doubt that you will be a great parent. Enjoy your beautiful baby!