Unblocked... What does this mean?

[Deep Blue]

It’s been 4 months since the end of my relationship with my BPDex. The last time we spoke was 2 months ago over text, where I attempted to reconnect, but was met with a stonewall response. She responded very quickly, but told me to keep moving forward like herself. No contact since then.

This morning, while on Instagram, I see her profile as a suggested user. She unblocked me. Why? This means she had to go into her blocked users list, and consciously unblock me. Besides this, nothing else has happened. She hasn’t texted me, hasn’t requested to follow my account, nothing...

I’m confused, sad, anxious... What does she want? Why now? What is she thinking? What is going on? Is this some sort of game or test?

Since our confrontational, painful break up, I’ve wanted to have a meaningful, honest conversation with her. This unblocking thing is making me think she is going to initiate contact sometime soon, but I think it’s also possible that it could mean nothing since she hasn’t reached out or done anything beyond unblocking me thus far.

What do you think? Why is this happening? What is the most likely reason she unblocked me? Any thoughts or suggestions on what to do or what not to do are greatly appreciated.

Deep Blue

[ILMBPDC]

It took my ex about 3 1/2 months to re-initiate contact.  Actually his first contact, out of the blue, was at 13 weeks, to the day. I responded but was extremely brief and non-emotional. Then 2 weeks later he shows up at a work party (we used to work together and he knew the person retiring). We were very civil and actually had a nice conversation. 3 days later he messaged me apologizing for showing up at the party and I took that opportunity to say the things I had been wanting to say to him. He asked if we could try and be friends. I said yes. Within 2 weeks we were sleeping together again and 6 weeks after that, I was back on this board looking for support.

My story isn't unique. A lot of pwBPD go back to their exes for comfort or emotional validation. It doesn't mean they have changed or changed their mind about you.

Since our confrontational, painful break up, I’ve wanted to have a meaningful, honest conversation with her.

You know, you might have the opportunity to get things off your chest. But it will really only be for your benefit. Most pwBPD just can't seem to understand how their actions affect others. And a lot don't seem to care much either. My point is that getting things off your chest is fine but if you are expecting to change her mind or "fix" her, you are wasting your breath.

This unblocking thing is making me think she is going to initiate contact sometime soon, but I think it’s also possible that it could mean nothing since she hasn’t reached out or done anything beyond unblocking me thus far.

What do you think? Why is this happening? What is the most likely reason she unblocked me? Any thoughts or suggestions on what to do or what not to do are greatly appreciated.

One thing I have learned is we really don't know what's going on in their mind and speculation is futile. When my ex broke NC I spent literally days here on this board overthinking and trying to figure out what he meant by it before I even responded to him. I drove myself nearly insane worrying about it.

Who knows why she unblocked you?  She may have been sentimental. She may be having issues in her current relationship and was thinking about reconnecting with you for comfort. She may have decided she was being extreme in blocking you and just wanted to see what you were up to.

Frankly, I would just take it day by day. Don't react. Don't break NC. If she does contact you then you can decide what to do (though I recommend not taking the bait, obviously you can do what you wish).

[Deep Blue]

Hey ILMBPDC,

Thank you for taking the time to respond. You are probably right. Trying to speculate her reasoning is most likely futile. I just can’t stop my mind from racing now. This illness and the maddening dance that surrounds it is overwhelming. It’d be better if she just flat out said what her intentions are rather than dropping these indecipherable actions.

[ILMBPDC]

Thank you for taking the time to respond. You are probably right. Trying to speculate her reasoning is most likely futile. I just can’t stop my mind from racing now. This illness and the maddening dance that surrounds it is overwhelming. It’d be better if she just flat out said what her intentions are rather than dropping these indecipherable actions.

Right?  That's a big reason I am working on just trying to take it one day at a time...one hour at a time.  I'm an analyzer, a planner and so I tend to overthink stuff. By forcing myself to remain mindful and not try to "predict" what's happening, I find myself feeling less crazy and chaotic. Its nice.

Try and find something to take your mind off her, to distract yourself. A hobby, a book, a movie, call a friend, join a meetup group, clean the house...anything where you can get her out of your head for a bit. I actually scheduled something for literally every single evening when I was still ruminating about him.

There are a lot of online things to do if you don't want to go out - I personally use meetup.com a lot to find things to do - attend meetings of interest, do trivia, take a class or lecture or webinar. Pretty much anything. Now, I'm so used to occupying my time with other things that its become relatively easy for me to find something else to do when my brain starts spinning.

[once removed]

ive done this (blocked and unblocked) many times myself. it may be more common than you think.

people block to put up a high wall. they generally unblock (sometimes) when they feel that wall is no longer necessary.

there are some possibilities here.

1. it could mean she intends to reach out
2. it could mean she wanted to look at your social media/was curious and having you blocked makes that difficult
3. it could be as simple as she doesnt like having a long list of blocked people. thats usually why i do it.
4. it could mean some of the ice has thawed

it could mean none of those things, or something else.

what i wouldnt do is jump to conclusions, or at least act on them if you do. just as often as people unblock someone, i frequently see the person thats unblocked decide that its an open door to walk through, and then they get blocked again.

id be anxious and wondering about it too. i think the important thing, for now, is to sit with it.

[ACycleWiser]

Hey Deep Blue,

I think what you are describing is the perfect example of us having to theorize every possible outcome within a BPD relationship, even on the level of the most simple actions our exBPD undertakes.

It sounds like she is open to more attention, but what that means is always a great mystery and your guess is as good as mine.

[Deep Blue]

what i wouldnt do is jump to conclusions, or at least act on them if you do. just as often as people unblock someone, i frequently see the person thats unblocked decide that its an open door to walk through, and then they get blocked again.

I think this is probably the best course of action. Not reacting also seems to be the best option at covering the most options when I think about it.

If she truly is interested in reconnecting, I'd only do so if she is taking action to treat her maladaptive behaviors and showing some degree of accountability. She will reach out if she wants and do things properly. If this unblocking is some inviting tactic where she expects me to contact her, then I'm still just a validating object in her mind, which is a role I do not want to play into.

On the other extreme, if this is nothing more than an attempt for her to see if she still has me wrapped around her finger, then my lack of response will not feed into that. (. I suppose I am still wrapped around her finger to an extent if I'm here posting about and giving this situation so much thought)

Regardless of the reasons, I will heed everyone's input and stick to no contact. If she does end up reaching out, I'll probably make a post about it to get some input.

[SinisterComplex]

I think this is probably the best course of action. Not reacting also seems to be the best option at covering the most options when I think about it.

If she truly is interested in reconnecting, I'd only do so if she is taking action to treat her maladaptive behaviors and showing some degree of accountability. She will reach out if she wants and do things properly. If this unblocking is some inviting tactic where she expects me to contact her, then I'm still just a validating object in her mind, which is a role I do not want to play into.

On the other extreme, if this is nothing more than an attempt for her to see if she still has me wrapped around her finger, then my lack of response will not feed into that. (. I suppose I am still wrapped around her finger to an extent if I'm here posting about and giving this situation so much thought)

Regardless of the reasons, I will heed everyone's input and stick to no contact. If she does end up reaching out, I'll probably make a post about it to get some input.

Everyone else seems to have you covered here. I just wanted to point something out to you though. Just because you are doesn't mean you are wrapped around her finger or anything of the sort. You are still healing. At the beginning I told you this was going to take time. You are still not out of the woods yet. And we are here to help you. Don't feel ashamed...you come here as much as you need to. Vent, update us, etc. 

Keep up the no contact and let her come to you. However, be ok with it if you do not speak again as well. This is all about healing you and having healthier mind sets.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Deep Blue]

Everyone else seems to have you covered here. I just wanted to point something out to you though. Just because you are doesn't mean you are wrapped around her finger or anything of the sort. You are still healing. At the beginning I told you this was going to take time. You are still not out of the woods yet. And we are here to help you. Don't feel ashamed...you come here as much as you need to. Vent, update us, etc.  

Keep up the no contact and let her come to you. However, be ok with it if you do not speak again as well. This is all about healing you and having healthier mind sets.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Hey SC,

I really appreciate you following my posts since day 1 and offering advice time and time again.

It's been difficult navigating this experience. I am going to be actively tracking my emotions and thoughts from this. I am being cautious of feeling a sense of hope right now. I've read countless articles and watched countless videos regarding BPD and relationships with people with BPD, and I know about h00vering (how come the site doesn't allow me to use two o's when spelling this?) and how these push/pull cycles work. Even so, I find my brain generating hopeful ideas and wanting to cling to the idea that it could all work out.

I just have to control my actions and keep my focus on my responsibilities and personal health. I am proud of where I am (for the most part) during this post breakup time. If this unblocking is just a mind game from her, I won't allow it to derail the progress I've made.

[grumpydonut]

One thing I have learned is we really don't know what's going on in their mind and speculation is futile.

100% this.

Another thing I learned, is that most of us who date BPDs are over analytical and try to find meaning in things. This can be adaptive in many aspects of life, but is 100% maladaptive when applied to trying to understand the borderline mind. Most of what they do doesn't make sense, because they have a mental illness.

[SinisterComplex]

Hey SC,

I really appreciate you following my posts since day 1 and offering advice time and time again.

It's been difficult navigating this experience. I am going to be actively tracking my emotions and thoughts from this. I am being cautious of feeling a sense of hope right now. I've read countless articles and watched countless videos regarding BPD and relationships with people with BPD, and I know about h00vering (how come the site doesn't allow me to use two o's when spelling this?) and how these push/pull cycles work. Even so, I find my brain generating hopeful ideas and wanting to cling to the idea that it could all work out.

I just have to control my actions and keep my focus on my responsibilities and personal health. I am proud of where I am (for the most part) during this post breakup time. If this unblocking is just a mind game from her, I won't allow it to derail the progress I've made.

So DB what is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Why do I say that? "My brain generating hopeful ideas and wanting to cling to the idea that it could all work out."

So I am going to go Jean Claude Van Damme here and to tell you to not get Van Damme'd...yeah I copped that from his corny Tostitos commercial. Corny joke from a corny commercial...oh god I need to stop I'm in vintage form here. Ha.  Sorry...my point was to use humor as a means to convey how foolish our minds can be and how blind our emotions can make us to the truths that are right in front of us. 

You keep on working on YOU and you build yourself up to where what someone else does doesn't really affect you. Build that confidence up and let the good people come your way and better opportunities will follow...relationships and other things in life in general.

Cheers and best wishes to you DB.

-SC-

[once removed]

I know about h00vering (how come the site doesn't allow me to use two o's when spelling this?)

its a misleading slang term that tends to obscure what is going on more than help explain it. more here (just replace the you know what word): www.bpdfamily.org/2010/09/bpd-news-is-it-charm-or-is-it.html



for example, it would be a big mistake to construe unblocking as an attempt to reconcile the relationship, though it happens more often than not.

but i digress.

when my ex and i broke up, i remember crying the hardest ive ever cried, and begging God, not even to bring her back, necessarily. just for me to hear from her. just something. anything. i believed it would mean that i meant something to her and in that moment, i desperately needed that.

eventually the point came when she sent me a friend request on facebook. it had been a while since we broke up. i dont remember exactly what my reaction was; it was probably similar to yours. some hours later, it had been retracted. some months later, i got another request. similarly, within a few hours, it was retracted.

its not all that easy to send a friend request on facebook. its possible. ive actually accidentally "pocket friend requested" people before, though they were strangers. i think the odds that my ex sent me two friend requests by accident are pretty slim.

bpd is actually pretty understandable. there are entire articles, entire books on the subject, and experts that speak to it. understanding it is, ostensibly, why we came here. the problem is that a lot of us tend to invoke more meaning in something when theres a pretty reliable human nature explanation. in our anxiety, or our woundedness, we assign mental illness to things that fit pretty neatly under the spectrum of human nature.

my own theory is that my ex felt terrible about how our relationship ended, and she wanted to mend that fence. im not certain about the reason. it could have been because she missed me. it could have been because her relationship was going badly. it could have been to feel better about herself and how things ended - which, again, is human nature.

regardless, i think she was intimidated. i think she probably thought i hated her and would let her have it if given the chance. i wouldnt have, not by that point, but i dont blame her for thinking that given how things ended.

so she tested the waters. maybe she wanted to talk to me but couldnt bring herself to do it. its possible she hoped that i would wonder what was up and contact her. i dont really know. but i believe she was giving herself plausible deniability. i knew her well enough to know that. people with bpd traits are very self conscious and fearful of the reactions of others, especially when the stakes are so high.

the crux of bpd is that sort of fear, and acting around it. its believing other people hate you, or use you, or will hurt you, and still yearning for them in some way, whatever that way is, however that way applies.

If this unblocking is just a mind game from her

your ex is no more sitting there trying to figure out how to spin you than mine was. shes spinning herself, and that confuses you.

bpd is a lack of interpersonal skills, a lack of knowing and clearly communicating your needs, a lack of healthy approaches when it comes to communicating needs and getting them met, and a lack of impulse control. its a weakness. its mental illness. its not jedi mind tricks.

but that is kind of the crux of human nature. instead of healthily clarifying our needs we send out messages, or we do certain things, expecting people to read our minds. and thats true, especially, for someone with bpd traits.

it is possible, Deep Blue, that in unblocking you, she is inviting you to reach out. i say that, because while that is very, very rarely the case, i know people who have done it. again, human nature is a crazy thing. i know a gal (not bpd) who unblocked an ex because she hoped he would reach out on her birthday. i asked that gal, who, incidentally, had told me she had ultimately unblocked almost all of her exes, whether if the others had reached out to her, she would have blocked them again, and she told me "about 90%".

people do some nutty stuff. in navigating life, its really important not to react to other peoples nutty stuff. its important to be firm in our own endeavors. it would be pretty nutty in and of itself to read into an unblocking and determine "she clearly wants me to tell her happy birthday". and yet that gal told me she checked her phone all day hoping for it.

my point? there are any number of reasons your ex unblocked you. it may be any number of things tossed out, or it may be that she was simply clearing out her blocked list. i think the surest is simply that she no longer feels the need to have you blocked. that you can read into. that you can know with a pretty reasonable certainty.

beyond that, its just speculation.