Future relationship success ?

[B1987]

Hi all

I'm still in the process of working through the pain and confusion of being discarded by my bpd-ex of 4 years.

I still miss her dearly but am starting to feel stronger and am seeing things for how they really were and coming to terms with how dysfunctional she was. I am even at the point where I'd like to see who else is out there and want to start dating again.

But I'm finding things daunting after my last relationship and wondered if anyone could share any post-bpd relationship successes? How did you start dating again? How did you meet your next partner after your bpd ex? Things like that.

I guess I'd just like some positive assurance that there is love after bpd. I'd love to experience the good times I had with my bpd ex with someone with a healthier outlook who actually appreciates me for me.

Thanks, guys!

[ACycleWiser]

I guess I'd just like some positive assurance that there is love after bpd. I'd love to experience the good times I had with my bpd ex with someone with a healthier outlook who actually appreciates me for me.

There will be real love in your life. The thing is we didn't really have a good idea of what real love was all about, did we?

And i think finding love begins with the internal voyage of redefining love. What do we really desire? Is it infatuation followed by an in-depth character murder? Or is it a more realistic love that grows and requires a bit more work in the beginning but a whole lot less as the relationship deepens.

I think the reason i ended up with my ex is that i was in a rush. I didn't want to be alone, i secretly felt unloved. And suddenly there is someone who rushes into your life and seemingly without any effort installs a relationship for her and you. It seemed like NO foundation was needed and that it all went by itself, there was a perfect understanding already - which afterwards was only due to mirroring. Later in the relationship you start to see that this common foundation was and never will be built, cause there is less and less compromise possible beyond the honeymoon phase.

So we got to redefine our starting point. We need to love ourselves first. You can't rush things. And we need to contemplate how a good relationship should feel ahead of seeking one. Do we want a drug? Or do we want something healthier? And are we aware enough of our and others needs to not step into another codependency trap. Do we even have the skills to recognize emotional abuse, cause we seem to have exposed ourselves to that with some pretty thick blindfolds on. What is within our control and what not in a relationship?

You have to be confident on those questions first i think and it's process you optionally can walk through with a therapist too.

[WhatToDo47]

That is beautifully said. I am in that process right now. Therapy helps a lot, as does talking to friends and family who are in healthy, stable, long term relationships.

[B1987]

Yes, I agree, that was beautifully said. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I am definitely looking for something less intense and healthier and have a better ‘Red flag’ radar now. In fact, some of the things I found appealing about my ex (the love bombing, idolisation etc) are things I would think twice about early on when dating.

Thanks again for replying

[ILMBPDC]

I am definitely looking for something less intense and healthier and have a better ‘Red flag’ radar now. In fact, some of the things I found appealing about my ex (the love bombing, idolisation etc) are things I would think twice about early on when dating.

I've said the same before as well - as I look back on my relationship with Mr BPD, I see much more clearly the things I should have been wary of and now I know not to ignore red flags and that things like love bombing are red flags as well..

The other major piece of this is that I need to learn to love myself - I need to learn to be a whole person outside a relationship. I've also been working on learning what a true, healthy relationship actually looks like - I don't think I have ever had one myself and my parents set a horribly dysfunctional example.  I'm learning that relationships are about two whole, healthy people who are not codependent - but interdependent.

I feel like I might be ready to start testing the waters again soon.

[valet]

depends on how you want to define success. people tend to live long lives with many different types of relationships. I think personally, though nothing has really stuck on a 'forever' level, I've certainly had more 'normal' relationships that behaved and ended naturally/amicably, without tons of drama, bridge burning, immaturity, etc. no relationship is ever going to be perfectly healthy. there will always be things that come up. I'd say success is just learning to deal with those things with respect, first and foremost, and whatever decisions that get made in light of that are just how things go sometimes.

truth be told, relationships are daunting and should be taken seriously. I don't think it's a mistake or unrealistic to adopt that approach, as long as it doesn't turn into some obsessive fear that stifles your ability to seek them. I think what happens with a lot of members here is that their dysfunctional relationship feels like a dream at first. it doesn't behave in ways that more typical relationships do, so we don't treat it like one. we let our expectations erode, we make excuses for things, we don't take the time to center ourselves and focus on what makes things really work because all we want is that dream back.

so yeah, some success in the way of taking it seriously, and understanding what it is all about... but not success in the way that something has worked out in the long run. and really, I am ok with that.

[B1987]

Thank you, valet. They are some really good points.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi B1987,

I haven't started dating yet and don't feel that I'm very ready yet. One thing I am doing though is noticing that I am becoming much healthier in my other relationships: at work, with my children, with my friends. I feel strongly that as we become healthier in those relationships, learning to be truthful and maintain boundaries, as well as in learning to communicate better, then we will be practicing the healthy skills needed for a potential dating relationship down the road. If we don't take time to value ourselves and grow, then we'll repeat the cycle, something I want to avoid.

Wools

[brighter future]

It took me about 13 or 14 months to even want to begin dating again. Most importantly, I had a lot of emotional baggage of my own to unpack before I started seeing someone. It wouldn't have been fair to involve someone else in all of the mess following the breakup with my BPD ex. I was a mess emotionally, and I didn't want someone new to be my rebound. My ex went to someone else immediately after our split.

I'm not sure about your age. I'm in my mid 40's now with a child, and I have found that it's a lot harder to date than it was when I was in my teens and 20's and prior to getting married years ago. Plus, the majority of my friends are married. Sometimes you feel like a 5th wheel hanging out with a bunch of married people when you are a single adult. My therapist suggested that I give a reputable dating site a try, so I joined one a year ago this coming February. As you probably know, these sites group you together according to comment interests, etc. Over the course of 4-5 months, I chatted with with around 8-10 different women (actually met two of them in person). Some seemed to be very nice and had to together, while with some it was very obvious that they were just looking for someone to take care of them (very needy). I met the girl I'm with now the middle of July 2021. She has a child the same age as my child, and we have similar interests and similar outlooks on life for most things. Unlike my ex, she has a college degree with a good, stable job and owns her own home. We've been together for six months now, and there is none of the up and down/push pull behavior from her that I had with my ex-g/f. She's been very straightforward with me so far. By comparison, the bizarre push/pull behavior started within 3-4 weeks after I started dating my ex. I'll take consistency any day over that mess.

There is love and happiness after BPD. You just have to give yourself some time to heal afterwards and apply the things you've learned about yourself and what what went wrong to the future. Just remember that we all heal and move forward at different paces.  Best of luck to you.

[B1987]

Thank you for the replies. I am 34 and most of my friends are now married and have children so I've noticed it's slightly more difficult to socialise a meet people.

brighter future - what you described is exactly what I've love to experience - a relationship with consistency and with someone who has a more positive outlook than my ex.

I'm at the stage now where I don't pine for my ex anymore, I miss her but recognise the incompatibility we had and have now moved forward where I do not feel I need her to fill the void. I would love to meet someone though who I can be excited to see and share some good times together with (without the crazy drama, ).