Mom died, and now my sister is at it again

[KayakMom]

Hi, I'm a new member. I've stayed relatively clear of my sister with BPD for several years. But now that our Mom died, we are interacting. I naively thought we'd be able to go through pictures and the house together, but I got clobbered with false accusations and hateful messages.

My other siblings indulge her and excuse her behavior because "shes having a hard time". But I'm always her target, not them. And I'm heartbroken about  getting no sympathy or support.

[Couscous]

I’m sorry for your loss and for the lack of support from your siblings. It’s a double blow for sure.

It’s just too hard for them to resist the temptation to throw you under the bus in order to avoid becoming targets themselves. For some inexplicable reason dysfunctional families have a need to protect the most toxic family member/s. Try to seek out support from outside your family.

Sending you hugs. 

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi KayakMom

I just wanted to drop by to say sorry for your loss.

Couscous is right that a lot of the borderline dynamic is other family member doing excuses for them, especially if it can keep them out of the abuse themselves. If you are lucky, they simply don't meddle in the relationship, if you are not they downright abuse you too. Not a healthy dynamic to be sure and I am sorry you have to deal with this kind of treatment, in what is probably already a challenge.

Do you plan on keeping her in your life moving forward or to go back to a low contact basis?

[KayakMom]

Hi Riv3rw0lf,
Great question about whether to stop interacting with my sister or not. I'm really wrestling with it.

I dont like the idea of never seeing her kids again, and getting excluded from weddings etc, and I want family for my own daughter so she doesnt feel disconnected. It was so much easier when mom was alive because we could all sortof maintain connection through mom. But now I wonder if its possible to keep up relationships with her kids (teens now) without keeping up a relationship with her.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Teenagers nowadays usually use Facebook, Messenger, WhatsApp or Instagram and have cell phone, so I don't see why not?

If they are teens, then they can most likely keep in contact with you directly.

Unless their mother tends to control who they can talk to and see. From my experience, both extremes are possible with BPD, i.e. smothering and/or completely neglecting, not caring and leaving the child to fend for themselves.

What is your sister like? Do you fear retaliation if you do end up contacting their children directly?

[Couscous]

My BPD brother would dangle access to his kids like a carrot on a stick, and regrettably, I put up with way, way too much for far too long before he finally turned one of my nieces against me, and then forbade me from having contact with the other.

But I have come to see this as a blessing in disguise as my niece has picked up on the toxic behaviors modeled by her father, so I am actually relieved to not have to expose my kids to her (as well as my brother’s and enabler sister’s) toxic influence. It seems like they were under the impression that I was too codependent to ever walk away, and that they had me over a barrel. But they were mistaken. 

Now I am seeing more and more how when you belong to a toxic family, who needs enemies? I’ve been “detoxing” over the last year or so, and now any thought of spending any time in the viper pit, just so that I can pretend that I belong to a family, sends shivers down my spine.

[KayakMom]

Wow, Couscous, I'm impressed with and inspired by your bravery and transformation. How long do you think you were doubtful or in pain about it?

I am still scared of being alienated. Even though when I list horrible things my sister has done and said to me, its ludicrous. Any of them should be deal breakers. And the list of nice things is not very long. A final goodbye to her feels extreme. I feel like the bad guy and fear I might regret excluding myself. (shes already written me an email saying shes so confused and has no idea why i'm not responding to her and shes so hurt by it. No acknowledgment of her recent horrible behavior. I'm both mad, and sucked back in.)

[KayakMom]

Hi Riv3rW0lf,
Such a good point you make.
I know my sister is conducting a major distortion campaign to convince her kids that I'm the mean one and shes the victim, same as shes been doing with her Ex. (even though she is the one who had the affair).

And my sister has accused me of betrayal and unrepairable trauma because I commented on her ex's FB post about his mother's death.

So if her kids mention to her that they have contact with me then I'm sure there will be major passive aggressive drama for them.

I confess that needling her in that way sounds kind of fun, like proving that she can't exclude me completely, but that is unskillful behavior. Its hard to be the one who takes all the punches but doesn;t throw any.




Unless their mother tends to control who they can talk to and see. From my experience, both extremes are possible with BPD, i.e. smothering and/or completely neglecting, not caring and leaving the child to fend for themselves.

What is your sister like? Do you fear retaliation if you do end up contacting their children directly?

[Riv3rW0lf]

I guess the next question would be : why do you want to be in relationship with your nephews/nieces and how important is it to you?

I personally don't have a close relationship with my niece and nephew and, don't get me wrong, they are family and I like them, but it's just not that important to me for some reasons. I don't feel a need to be close to them, but this is all very personal.

I think, if one decided to stay within the "vipers nest" as couscous put it, it helps to have identified the needs behind this decision and boundaries you will have to put in place.

If it is, like you said, to throw a punch yourself (and I truly get it, I also have those moments where I just want to scream at uBPDm), then I can tell you straight away you will lose the fight. I don't think anyone that is healthy and sane can win with a person with BPD. Distanciation and hard boundaries are much more effective it seems, that a full frontal assault.

[Couscous]

Wow, Couscous, I'm impressed with and inspired by your bravery and transformation. How long do you think you were doubtful or in pain about it?

After I understood that what I was dealing with was not only BPD, but that I had also been scapegoated, I no longer had any doubts about what I needed to do. This past Thanksgiving was the first holiday that I did not spend with my siblings and the day before was brutal (anticipation anxiety was firing an all cylinders), but Thanksgiving Day itself kept me busy and we had a pleasant, stress-free celebration free of passive aggression, sarcasm, put-downs, backhanded compliments, pouting, sulking etc, etc. Christmas was a walk in the park by comparison and now I can’t imagine ever having any desire to spend another holiday with them again. There is still some sadness to be sure, but it seems to be lessening.

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you hearing how your siblings are enabling your sister mistreating you after your mother died. I am in a similar situation with my sister and brother after the death of my mother, as other family members and family friends enable how my brother and sister abuse me. Know that the enablers, often called flying monkeys, have personal interests in enabling your sister. What do you think those interests could be?

[KayakMom]

Hi Zachira,
I know what the motivations are to enable my BPD sister. She is effusively praising of people who enable her. She tells them they're the only ones who get it and that they're her super best friend and hero, and she lays it on thick with puppydog eyes and snuggles (actual physical snuggles). My brothers eat that up. She either has heroes she lavishes with praise, or enemies.

What are the personal interests of your flying monkeys? (thats totally what they are, right from wizard of Oz).

[KayakMom]

Zachira, Riv3eW0lf and couscous, I am so grateful for your responses. I'm in tears every time I read your comments. Its so amazing for me to get support on this. Thank you so much.