Possible to support spouse and deal with my own codependency?

[FirstSteps]

I've been married to my wife for 16 years, and we have two teens - 15 and 13. For many years, she has self-diagnosed herself with C-PTSD, which made perfect sense for a long time, though I now realize is likely not the full picture.  

I've got a long story like everyone here I'm sure, but, in short, we've all started therapy this fall.  And my journey is really identifying my codependent tendencies - seeing how much I've helped create the dysfunctional family system we're all in.

At the same time, I'm also learning a lot about BPD and embracing the almost clinical patience and consistency it seems to take to support someone suffering from it.

This is the point I get completely overwhelmed.  I have no idea how to face her fury (we are currently separated within the house though this could change in an hour) while setting my own boundaries and being calm and consistent and not either falling into abject apologizing or start arguing her feelings.

Does anyone have any experience with this?  I'm thinking I just got to get my own house in order first but that feels like I'm giving up on her too.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi FirstSteps, welcome to the group -- glad you found us 

Two teens, huh? My husband also has a 13 year old & 15 year old, and their mom has many BPD traits. So, you have a full plate, to be sure!

Good to hear you are getting therapy. Are the kids also in therapy? Is your wife? If so, does she seem compliant with the T, and accepting of the T's input?

It would be a tall order for anyone who recently "discovered" BPD to juggle all these pieces you mention: facing her rage while setting calm, consistent personal boundaries, without "falling off either side of the horse", whether too apologetic or too argumentative. Oh, and parenting teens.

What I notice, though, is you have awareness and acceptance that you have played a role in your family's dynamics, and you want to change.

It's ok to make one change at a time, and it doesn't have to be the biggest thing, to start. Marathoners start by running shorter distances -- nobody runs a marathon for their first race ever.

We can walk you through practicing some new tools and skills in one or two areas, to "build those muscles"; then, as you gain confidence and familiarity, you can tackle other challenge areas.

It's ok to not fix everything at once. You have a great start and are motivated. Let's do this one step at a time.

As you think back on the challenges in your marriage, what are some of the "big" ones? You mentioned her rage.

Now, what are some of the smaller ones, that are still kinda BPD-ish? Maybe 3-ish of each for starters.

And to your final thought, about getting your own house in order -- again, I hear your desire to make things right, to do the work and fix things. You know how on airplanes, they always say in the safety trainings that you have to put on your own oxygen mask first, before you help those around you? That is a big part of having a better relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD). As "selfish" as it sounds, we really are in no position to start making things better unless we take care of ourselves first.

So, that being said, I'm curious if there are some things you do to chill and decompress -- hiking? Reading? Music? I wonder what it would be like if you took even just 5 minutes tonight or tomorrow, just for you, to recharge.

Looking forward to hearing back, and again, welcome;

kells76

[alterK]

Hi First! Kells, you've put down some excellent thoughts, that I can only agree with.

FirstSteps, you have given some outline of what is obviously a complicated situation, and there isn't any magic wand anyone can wave that will solve it with one wonderful, blinding flash of light. We can only take one step at a time, and your posting here was a good one.

You are considering the need to work on yourself, and that's really the only place anyone can start. We have to begin to forgive ourselves for our mistakes and start moving forward, hoping that if we change our own behavior that may result in improvement of our family situation. Patience is a helpful ingredient.

Kells' suggestion that you do what's necessary to take care of yourself is also a good one. You need to have a place to stand and feel safe. Do you want to talk about any more details?

[15years]

Hi FirstSteps,

On this forum there is a lot of people with experience in reflecting on bpd, and also a lot of beginners like me. It's funny because we are not beginners in experiencing life with a person who might have bpd, but we're beginner in learning about bpd and trying to change our lives by doing something different, it's like stepping out of the roller coaster at least briefly as often as we can, and maybe the picture gets clearer everytime (reminder to myself too: expect backlashes too).

I've been with my wife 15 years and maybe two months ago started to accept that she actually do have problems that are affecting me more than what would be considered "my own fault", while still being aware that I'm not all innocent. The biggest change to my circumstances since this shift in thought has been that I more and more often trust my reality when I'm away from her at work, even if we're in the middle of a difficult situation. I'm also noticing I can contain my reality more often when I'm with her. I still walk on eggshells most of the time but trust that circumstances could change for the better and not for the worse.

There are also things that feel more difficult now, like accepting that she isn't this all knowing person who I can look up to. And I sometimes do miss being naive and miss enjoying the good times in a way I feel I can't anymore. But I also know that I was forced to wake up because of the situation getting worse.

I also have a hard time facing her fury, but it helps to not take things too personally. The worst kinds of situation is when she's making some sort of ultimatum or making me choose between two bad alternatives. But if one bad alternative is that she's mad at me, then I think I could take it. She will try to push my buttons and that is hard.

I have noticed that even if I don't remember most of the great advice I get, some lines stick in my head and I can come to think of them while being in the middle of the emotional roller coaster ride. I've been seeing a mental health professional, reading peoples stories and advice on this forum and articles about bpd, have been watching youtube videos on bpd, starting to be more open with people in real life and lately starting to post on this forum. Everything contributes to my journey. It still feel hopelessness more than I can live with but I feel hope. I consider divorce but think that either way it's an important development and I'm not anymore just eagerly waiting to get old and die   true story!  

[FirstSteps]

First, thank you to all three for your responses!  I have been searching for a long time for a place that fit what I was going through - it means so much just to get this affirmation.

I very much get that I have to take care of myself first.  So hard, especially with her aggressively ignoring me and writing long emails detailing separation but then looking so so tortured when she does come at me a couple times a day.

I will think about the "lesser" behaviors - right now it's a muddle since I'm being ignored and then dealing with rage.  Probably to do with control and micromanaging.  And her inability to talk about my family without insults.  And the fact she has isolated to the point she won't go to the store by herself. 

I'm actually going to therapy today, and I have a checklist of self-care actions that range from the very basic (make my bed) to meditating and seeing people.  Hard first steps, actually.

Also, both kids are in therapy.  My daughter was in two traumatic events in the fall, which led to her being hospitalized.  Underlying all that was her relationship with her mother and the family system I helped create.  Both are remarkably solid right now but I'm very worried about them long term.

And right now, I'm in the very hard point where she may actually be leaving.  But she has no place to go (she is not employed, and she feels very alone in the US - she is from Sweden).  I am alternating between relief at the quiet yet dread that the family is disintegrating.  I'm also afraid of getting roped back in but I just can't quit the thought that with patience and boundaries, we could have at least a basically functioning family for the kids.  Anyway, I'm really having trouble with it.

@15years - thanks so much for your perspective.  Right now, I feel like I'm 3 months too late.  Though really I did start my separation process about 3 or 4 months ago and it's led to this.